Another blog – Whyhaveanaffair – and its impact

I have been following, albeit intermittently, another blog – whyhaveanaffair. It has been incredibly interesting and illuminaating. It is written by a MM who had an affair, with comments by his W. They are working to repair and keep their marriage. There is another blogger who comments often, betrayalsurvivor1981, on this blog and she has raised some very interesting points to me that I would like to post here – full credit to her, to the other bloggers and whyhaveanaffair’s blog.

As most of my readers know, I spent a lot of time wondering what my xMM’s W was thinking immediately after d-day. This blog answers a lot of those questions. But the posting on “hysterical bonding” rocked my world. I didn’t understand it. I spent a lot of time ruminating whether MM and his W were sleeping together/having sex, after d-day and if so, why would SHE do it, how could HE do it. I also understand that all affairs are different, just as people are different, situations are different and while we can find comfort and education in other people’s trials and tribulations, we need to learn from our singular mistakes, triumphs, heartbreaks and loves.

I would like to share my exchanges with the bloggers as I found their insights quite poignant – and of course I would love to respond. 🙂

The posting was “Hysterical bonding”:
ME:Thanks, betrayalsurvivor1981 and mr and mrs. Yes, my “about me” is outdated. I haven’t thought to change it. The blog is always evolving, just like me. I think that the writing/blogging helps get through some sticky, unhappy times. Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story.How you came to where you are now. You are right. My xMM is now my BF – or at least we are now publically a couple after all of the years of being hidden. I’m sure that our story is not much different than the story of Mr.’s friend who married his AP. Sometimes marriages are irretrievably broken but no one walks away until something forces the issues. Like pergatory. We can all drift there forever. There are a million reasons why people have affairs, why those affairs end, perpetuate, fizzle, explode or morph into something more, or die. Do not judge unless you walk a mile in that person’s shoes. Easier said than done, right? And don’t forget that the blogging is a snapshot. Not everyone writes everything. It is a place to vent. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I a villain? A hero? A good person or bad? All of the above to a mullitude of people. But if you ask the questions, I would happily tell. We all hope to learn from each other. That’s why we are hear in the blogging world. Not to condemn. But to learn and for some catharsis. Yes, please read my blog. But understand that I too bleed, hurt, love, care and didn’t go into an affair with the hopes of destroying anyone’s marriage. And my last thought of the day, it is alway easier to make the “Other” woman/man the villain, yet we are not the ones who took the vows; we are not the ones who broke those vows. We are oftentimes not the crazies that the Married man/woman portray us to be, yet we are often the scapegoats. You know why? Because the BS doesn’t always want to know the truth or they really really want to believe their spouse. I KNOW what I did, how I behaved and I KNOW what my MM told his W. I KNOW the lies he told her. He asked me to corroborate them. He lied to his W after d-day telling her I called when I didn’t, telling her I emailed, texted when I didn’t. But my relationship was with him, not with her. The flaw in their marriage wasn’t me. It was between them and their inability to end their marriage and walk away after it had died (or rightlyfully before it had started.) Ask away. I have a milion questions for you!
Happy Valentine’s day!!

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 14, 2013 at 11:58 pm
(“…I definitely appreciate more the ones from supportive people like yourself. We feel like you’re a friend (albeit at a distance !) and we both appreciate your support and friendship.”) – from whyhaveanaffair 2/9/13
Because of this “cyber-friendship,” I feel comfortable responding to Susan on your blog, Mr. and Mrs. B (as I haven’t started my own blog – yet).
___________________________________
From Susan: (“Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story. How you came to where you are now.”)
Susan, firstly I want to thank you for your interest in my story. EVERY human being on the face on this planet has a right to his/her opinions & beliefs. Therefore, I want to assure you in advance that my post is NOT aimed to try and vilify you. However, my beliefs and opinions – like yours – are ROCK SOLID and FIRM! Buckle your seatbelts, sweetheart, because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

I am an African American grandma. In 1981 my physically and mentally abusive serial-cheating husband deserted his family. On every DDay prior to the final affair that resulted in his leaving, I received from him the usual begging and pleading for my forgiveness, and promises that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. After fathering an OC (a baby girl) with one of his affair partners, he left me for yet another affair partner (not the OC’s mother) whom he later married. He left me pregnant with our third child (a girl), as well as our 2-years-old and 1-year-old sons. Having EXTREMELY low self-esteem at that time in my life (and therefore not realizing that I was actually better off for him leaving), I was absolutely devastated and ashamed. (My parents were happily and solidly married for nearly forty years until my father died in 1995, and divorce made me feel like the “black sheep” of the family [no pun intended]. My mother is also now deceased.)

Despite all the negative things that had occurred in my marriage, I loved the ground my husband walked on, and I literally wanted to die after he abandoned us. In fact, I attempted suicide when my husband abandoned us, and it landed me in the hospital for over a week. Although my devastating grief could maybe EXPLAIN such a reckless act, NOTHING can ever EXCUSE it – mainly because I was PREGNANT! (She is now a very healthy 31-yr-old businesswoman. ) When I think of the damage my selfish act could’ve done to my unborn child, even though I survived the suicide attempt; as well as the devastating legacy I would’ve foisted upon our 2 baby sons had my attempt succeeded – all because of my heartache over my children’s serial-cheating father, coupled with my excessively low self-esteem – I am STILL ashamed to this day and will never COMPLETELY forgive myself! However, I am now a “tough-as-nails” BETRAYAL SURVIVOR, and sincerely GRATEFUL to have lived to see my 4 (so far) grandkids!

As a divorced mother I worked full time as an administrative assistant and raised my kids. They are now 31, 33 and 34; all have attended college; my sons are married with children of their own; my daughter is an unmarried (by her choice) and childless businesswoman (“you go, girl!” ); and all of them are successful. My three children’s half-sister (the OC) is a magnificent woman who is 32 and married with an adorable son, and my children love and have been very close to their sister for many years. She’s also one of my Facebook “friends.” (Twenty years ago her mother called me and apologized for having slept with my husband, and I accepted her apology. I NEVER blamed my children’s sister, because human beings have absolutely no control over the circumstances of our births. The adultery was committed by her father and mother, NOT by the innocent child!)

Although my children love their father (of course they do, because he is their father, after all, and always will be), they have told me (AND him) several times through the years that they DON’T RESPECT him, due to his past behavior toward me and his betrayal and abandonment of me AND them. My children have told me (AND their father) that they love AND respect me, and hold me in high regard for how I survived the life-shattering heartbreak and calamity that was forced upon me by their father’s actions back then.

It wasn’t easy raising three children alone by a long shot (I remarried after they were grown), but with God’s grace those childrearing years were the very best times of my life! (BTW, my children’s father -– my ex-husband -– who left me for wife #2, is now with wife #4. Go figure.)
____________________________________
Susan, I’m a church pastor’s daughter (my father is deceased), and a Christian. I said I’m a Christian – NOT Christ! I have so many faults you could fill an encyclopedia with them! Absolutely NO human being – those who have lived on this earth and are no longer alive; those of us who are currently alive; and those who have yet to be born – are perfect! (For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23) I’m a firm believer that people have a right to live our lives as we see fit – so long as we do not encroach upon someone’s else’s life – which is EXACTLY what affairs do!

From Susan: (“But understand that I…didn’t go into an affair with the hopes of destroying anyone’s marriage.”)
This is an example of what separates adults from children. “I didn’t MEAN to do it, Mommy,” (when a child has been caught in wrongdoing); “I never intended for anybody to get hurt, Pops,” (when a child’s folly causes harm in ways the child could have never foreseen); is behavior that is – childish. As adults, we are responsible for our actions, and adults know that engaging in extramarital affairs is wrong. Therefore, any pain and devastation that occur – directly or indirectly – related to an affair is the fault of BOTH the CH/CW AND the OW/OM!

From Susan: (“…It is always easier to make the “Other” woman/man the villain, yet we are not the ones who took the vows; we are not the ones who broke those vows.”)
This is a common “AP” fallacy that must be addressed. There is no way ANYONE involved in an affair has “clean hands.” The OW who has an EA/PA/BOTH with a MM is with someone who DOESN’T belong to her; and the OM who has an EA/PA/BOTH with a MW is with someone who DOESN’T belong to him. It doesn’t matter that the AP didn’t take vows with the Betrayed Spouse. It doesn’t matter that the marriage had vulnerabilities, as EVERY marriage has vulnerabilities. That doesn’t give the CH/OW or CW/OM carte blanche to be with each other! If the owners of a house, for example, are away and the front/back/garage door has been left unlocked, any person who enters that house unauthorizedly will be guilty of a felony, punishable by law. It doesn’t matter that the house was vulnerable. If a car is parked anywhere, unlocked and even with the keys in the ignition, any person who enters that car unauthorizedly and drives away is guilty of felony. It doesn’t matter that the car was vulnerable. People argue that other PEOPLE don’t BELONG to anybody. As a Christian, my beliefs dispute that argument based on 1 Corinthians 7:3-4: “A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife.”

From Susan: (“We are oftentimes not the crazies that the Married man/woman portray us to be, yet we are often the scapegoats. You know why? Because the BS doesn’t always want to know the truth or they really really want to believe their spouse.”)
There is something that I firmly disagree with: the tendency for ONLY the OW to be branded as the homewrecker! BOTH the CH AND the OW, or the CW AND the OM, are EQUAL homewreckers! The MM wrecked his own home, and his AP participated in it. The MW wrecked her own home, and her AP participated in it. As for the BS not wanting to know the truth: Seriously, Susan? “Other” women are NOTORIOUS for believing ANYTHING the MM says about his Wife, even though – in MOST cases – the OW has NEVER EVER met the W personally! What married man is going to walk up to a woman and say, “Hey baby, I’m deeply in love with my wife, we have a great sex life, and I’m never going to leave her for any THING, any BODY, or any REASON. But, you sure look good to me, Sugar. How about giving me some of that?” That man will find himself picking up his teeth after being slapped into next week by the woman he propositioned in that ridiculous manner. Married Men know EXACTLY the time-worn clichés that work with Other Women, and OWs continue to fall for the lies every single day!

From Susan: (“I KNOW what I did, how I behaved and I KNOW what my MM told his W. I KNOW the lies he told her. He asked me to corroborate them. He lied to his W after d-day telling her I called when I didn’t, telling her I emailed, texted when I didn’t. But my relationship was with him, not with her.”)
You’re right about that, Susan, your relationship was/is with him – a LIAR and a CHEAT (by your own description above). He did NOT stop being a liar and a cheat when the divorce papers were signed. Please don’t fool yourself, Susan. (I have read your ENTIRE blog, by the way.)

From Susan: (“It was between them and their inability to end their marriage and walk away after it had died [or rightfully before it had started].”)
Who has the right to decide if “rightfully” a marriage should not have started? What about if a mass killer should have “rightfully” been born? Should Adolf Hitler, Timothy McVeigh, Aileen Wuournos, Charles Manson, or Adam Lanza (to name a VERY VERY few) “rightfully” should not have been conceived and born because of the murder and absolute devastation their existence would cause? The “that marriage should never have happened in the first place” is yet another argument used to justify and affair, and it DOESN’T HOLD WATER.

I honor marriage and I detest divorce, whether affair-related or not. However, I am fully aware that there ARE times when divorce is the BEST thing for the wife and/or husband in a doomed marriage. (Please see my comments on the blog of “Bad Husband” http://www.affairturmoil.wordpress.com ) Although I didn’t realize it over thirty years ago, through the years I HAVE realized that my divorce from my first husband ended up being the BEST thing to have happened to me AND our children with regard to my marriage, because, as I stated above, he was also PHYSICALLY abusive. Who knows when one of his beatings may have resulted in serious injury or even death to me or to one of our children?

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 15, 2013 at 1:59 am
(My comment is continuing here, Susan, because I was granted more time on this computer. The “gods” are looking out for me today! )

There certainly ARE marriages that have “died” and need to be buried. But, it is COWARDLY for the husband and/or wife in that “dead” marriage to enter into an extramarital affair with someone WITHOUT FIRST HAVING OBTAINED A DIVORCE! Married men are NOTORIOUS for “having their cake and eating it, too.” They want “out” of their “unhappy” marriages, yet MOST of them are the first ones on their knees on DDay, begging and pleading for the wife’s forgiveness, and promising to high heaven that they will spend the rest of their lives making it up to the wife. Often, it is the Betrayed Spouse who decides that she (or he, if the cheater was the wife) can no longer live with someone who committed the most egregious offense possible against their spouse. (From your “Time is of the Essence” 2/8/13 post: “But my BF/xMM stayed after HIS affair was discovered, to try and work things out. I can’t help but ruminate from time to time, what would have happened if his wife hadn’t wanted to push for the divorce.”)

In closing, I’ll say this:
Susan, it is NEVER a CONTEST between the Wife and the Other Woman! Nobody “wins” when it comes to affairs. (From your “And the winner is” 1/6/10 post: “After all of this, you know what? He chose her. He didn’t choose me. So I guess she wins. What’s the prize? An emasculated, castrated unhappy man, in love with someone else for 3 years; fucking someone else for 2 1/2 years; sending her emails about loving her, missing her, wanting to be with her. Even if he doesn’t tell [his wife] everything or only tells her some of it, or shockingly lies about our affair, what is she thinking? What does she get? His honesty? His loyalty? His fidelity? His love? His companionship? Is she letting him sleep in her bed? In her house? Under her roof? Are they eating their meals together? Doesn’t she want to smack him? I do. What I really want to know is who wins? Her? MM? Me?”)

[Please read “Debunking the myths of infidelity: revisited” 12/29/12 @ http://www.rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com

Susan says:
February 15, 2013 at 1:20 pm
Betrayalsurvivor1981 – Thank you so much for your response. I didn’t want you to think that I wouldn’t respond. I would like to give you the proper response, however, but US/east coast time is pushing me to work. Honestly, your story is one of strength and courage. And one I admire. I am a firm believe in the adage that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and you certainly live it. I’ll be back. And I would certainly love to share your comments on my blog.

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 16, 2013 at 5:15 pm
Thanks, Susan, for your quick “mini-response.” (I know you were on your way to work and that, of course, is a huge priority. We gotta pay our bills, right? ) Also, thank you for your statement concerning my story, and for honoring me with your request to share my comments on your blog.

I’m an “optimistic skeptic” (now THAT’S an oxymoron, if there ever was one!). I welcome the compliment of your using my comments on your blog, with the following requests (that I’m sure you already know, but being an “optimistic skeptic” I must say this anyway: please be sure to notate me as the author of any of my comments you use; and I ask that “creative editing” not be used when quoting me. (I studied journalism in college, and I know the “tricks of the trade.” )

Again, thank you for your interest, and I look forward to your “proper response” (as you worded it above).

———–
So – Holy cow! Some of the things that betrayalsurvivor said knocked me down. I don’t agree with everything, but it was certainly informative and from a completely different perspective from mine. And funny how we have some similarities in our stories. 😉
I had an affair for a selfish reason – it was something I needed at that time in my life. I was ending my marriage and craved physical and emotional intimacy with someone, anyone. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive so while my children and I do not have physical scars, we carry around the motional ones – not readily visible or easily discussed. It was hard to end my marriage after 17 years, and yes, my parents are still married after 50 years. It was what I thought marriage was about – a life long commitment to someone I loved, admired, respected and wanted to grow old with. Unfortunately, that wasn’t my ex. I probably never should have married him, but then I wouldn’t have my kids.

While betraylsurvivor quotes the bible and whose body belongs to whom, I find that beautiful in a perfect world. Unfortunately, most of us don’t live there. We live here. Sometimes in our own miserable hell. So what MM does/doesn’t do – his vows are not my vows. Yeah, if a MM tells an OW it’s just a fuck, likely she may not be “up” for it (pun intended), but there are plenty of OW/OM who don’t care. Do I believe that MM/MW are liars when they enter into affairs?? You betcha!! But then there are people who are weak, who are trapped – from every direction. Who can’t make a decision, an action without someone telling them, approving it. My MM should have ended his marriage for all the right reasons instead of because he had an affair. It was shitty for all concerned. And the ripple effect continues. Retribution, for sure.

A couple of months ago, I spent a long weekend with my BF/xMM and his parents – just the 4 of us. And if you’ve read all of my blog, then you know that his xW, made him call his parents after d-day, confess his affair, spend 2+ weeks with his parents in exile and then try to repair his broken marriage at the direction of his parents. xMM/BF and I have now been together, openly, for 3 years. It was time to address the elephant in the room. So I did. And BF’s mother said – that he believes and has consistently maintained that he and I are soul-mates. Yeah. Not so difficult. But a lousy way to start. I wish that we had met after he had divorced his xW, but perhaps without me, he never would have. Perhaps without me, he would have stayed in his emotionally abusive relationship with an asbergers narcissistic woman, solely responsible for the financial and emotional needs of his children. What a lousy way to live.

As to knowing he lied to xW – yeah, it concerns me. Once a liar, always a liar is a popular theory. But my BF isn’t Is there trust? Do I trust him? Yes, I do. If I don’t, then we have nothing. And to be fair, there are times when I don’t. I hate those moments. The re-reading the old emails, the chats; replaying the memories, the conversations, the feelings. And this time of year particularly galls me – as xW’s birthday has come and gone – It was after d-day, March, 2010 when he was telling me how much he loves me, needs me, misses me, wants to be with me and is going to separate from his xW after d-day, that he took her to the Carribean for her birthday, texting me all weekend that he was fighting a cold and getting lots of sleep. (The other day I was leafing through some books in his house and found the receipt for Bubba Gumps in Cancun, March 2010 and got pissed off all over again.)

Lastly, a lot of the MM/MW who have cheated haven’t had “love affairs.” They have had a physical indiscretion. I’m not saying one is better or worse. Being physicallly intimate with someone other than your spouse is difficult for the BS, but being emotially cheated on must be worse. So the spouse LOOKING for it, in my humble opinion, is worse than the one who isn’t. The spouse who falls in love or becomes emotionally attached to someone other than their spouse is in an entirely different category than the one night stand. But, like the rest of this blog, that’s just my opinion.

Don’t know why it took me so long to write, edit and post this entry. Been busy. With life. And the hurt and the anger, fade over time and are replaced by other feelings. And life has a regular rhythm – good, bad, ugly, beautiful. Thank goodness.

D-Day + 3 +730 days

733 Days

= 17592 Hours
= 1055520 Minutes
= 63331200 Seconds

 It has been 2 years and 3 days since my D-Day of December 9, 2009.  I remember every single second of it, like childbirth.  Where I was, what I was doing, the blood pounding in my head and throughout my body, and how time stood still.  It was like a slow motion movie, where life continued on around me, but I was frozen, in my own cocoon.  Part of the picture yet completely removed.  I remember coming across another blogger who had put a clock app on his iPhone (RBM 🙂 ) that showed how much time had elapsed since he had entered the realm of no-contact; and another blogger (AOW) who had a running calendar of days since d-day, no contact, last kiss, etc.  I felt that I was ‘healing’ when I could no longer remember those critical days and the amount of time that had elapsed.  After all, we say that time heals all wounds.  But does it?  Do you ever forget?  I remember asking another blogger (TVExplorer) if you ever really get over it and he simply replied that you think about it less and less.  Not really the answer I was looking for.  And who would have thought that 733 days after my d-day I would have the answer. 

This time of year depresses me.  I think it always had.  The forced joviality, happiness, togetherness.  The expectations put on making everything “just so” with family and friends.  Nothing ever lives up to those expectations or re-adjusted childhood memories.  Does Disney have a license on brainwashing?  I was one of the “lucky ones” that had d-day further ruin my December holiday time.  My xMM’s w called me on 12/9 to share with me her new found knowledge; xMM called me on 12/14 to tell me of his exile and then we silently slipped into no-contact.  Holiday parties, Christmas, xMM’s birthday – all came and went – with no-contact.  And that was 2 years ago. 

What I learned after the fact still hurts me and still makes me angry.  xMM wrote a confessional letter to his w about all of the horrible things he did (me) and how much he loved her, their life, how much he needed her, and would work tirelessly to restore her trust in him; how MM was the one who blocked me from his Facebook page, his cell phone, his home phone, his other social networking sites (but, he would whine, that he didn’t have a choice); how MM was berated over and over, but was “allowed” to return to the loving fold of his w on 12/26, his birthday; the marriage counseling, the trip to the Caribbean, staying in the hotel he and I always stayed in . . . The list seems to go on and on and on. 

Why can’t I let it go?  There are days when I’m fine and I don’t think about anything having to do with the past, and then . . .**THWACK** something reminds me (like Christmas) and the pain, anger and hurt are there again.

This will be our second “outed” December together.  Last year, xMM went to Florida with his kids, to his parents’ house.  I was only allowed to meet them for a quick bite the day before they left.  MM wanted everything to be “just right” and once again, took all of the advice as to how to make that happen from others.  This year, we’re going to spend Christmas and his birthday together – all of us – kids included – at his house.

We had talked about “the tree” this year.  One of the symbols of his married life that haunted me and over which I would obsess.  Did they buy the tree, did they decorate the tree, was it a perfect little family time fit for a Hallmark card all the while he would text me, call me, email me.  This year his children were hurt that their mother (now the x-W) bought a tree without them, but with her new BF.  I spoke to my BF/xMM and offerred to join them for the tree buying, decorating escapade and xMM didn’t say anything to me until this past Friday, that they were going tree shopping on Sunday, which they did.  Needless to say, I was hurt.  I don’t want to speak to him.  So I haven’t.  The fucking tree.  Now I’m going to hate the fucking tree because I’m so good at transferrance.

So 2 years, 0 months and 3 days after D-day, the answer is . . . drumroll, please . . .

To Delete or Not Delete? That is the Question

I haven’t written for quite some time.  I have continued to read (AOW, 2P, RBM, SS, Morgan, etc.)  I have been most taken by the comments and blogs that relive the affair, d-day, no-contact, recovery, failure, and on the cycle goes.  The ‘aha’ moment came for me when someone wrote that the writing causes us to continually relive the pain and prevents us from moving on and away.  Likewise, in order to get past the pain, we need to relive it and all of the unanswered and unanswerable questions that we have.

Unlike so many of my blogging friends, I have been unable to delete the old emails or shut down the pseudonym accounts.  I have not been able to delete the ‘saved chats’ that Google stores up.  I have not been able to throw away the hand written, but unsent, letters to MM during the period of no-contact.  I never shut down my blog and on occasion, I read my old posts.

Unlike so many of my blogging friends, my MM and his w are divorced and he and I are a “couple.”  It has been almost 2 years (22 days shy of the full 2 years) since that D-Day, December 9, 2009 – since I got the email from MM’s W saying “Hi – I know about you and my husband.”  It has been a long road.  MM and I talked at length, about my need to get past the pain of no-contact, about his efforts to “work on his marriage” during that time, taking his w to mexico for her birthday, to his company’s holiday party, to posting pictures of her on his Facebook page while telling me he loved me, needed me, wanted to be with me but that I should be patient.  There are times when my anger, to this day, is larger than life, and all I want to do is beat him up – so I yell, storm off, get sullen.  And he lets me.  He says he understands. 

What I have learned from MM is that when caught between a rock and a hard place, most MM will retreat into the familiar, the comfort zone rather than jump off a cliff.  The fear that no one will be standing there waiting to catch them is paralyzing.  When I asked my ex-H for a divorce, I came to the realization that I would rather be alone and poor for the rest of my life than spend one more minute with him.  And mind you, we had a perfectly comfortable life – 2 homes, 2 beautiful children in private school, 3 cars, luxurious vacations several times a year, savings accounts, material objects galore.  Yet I wasn’t happy.  It didn’t make me happy.  It was financially comfortable, but ever day I woke up I felt like I had sold my soul.  I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t getting any younger.  I wasn’t setting a good example for my children.  I was a lousy role model.  The discomfort had to end.  And so I ended it.  MM could have stayed in his loveless, sexless, miserable marriage forever.  It was comfortable.  (Sound familiar 2P?)  As a funny anecdote, MM, a/k/a my boyfriend and I were having a silly disagreement and I offhandedly told him that if he continued what he was doing there would be no sex.  To which he replied that was no threat, in fact he could go years without it and had the history to prove it.  While that was funny, it was also quite telling and ultimately very sad.  Why would anyone want to live like that?

I have a dear friend who is dying of cancer.  It is heartbreaking to watch the disease eat this vibrant, beautiful woman up leaving little more than a shell.  We were out to lunch and she was telling me about what a burden her husband has become and how incapable he is of taking care of her, helping her, supporting her.  He doesn’t even go with her to doctor appointments.  He’s not working.  He has locked himself in the master bedroom; she sleeps downstairs.  He wont cook, clean or help with the household.  She spends as much time out of the house as possible – going to the gym, out to the lunch, to the movies, out of town, with friends.  I asked her why she doesn’t tell her H to get out.  The fire burned in her eyes when she told me that she has told him to get out, that she filed for divorce 2 times, but didn’t follow through, and as she looked at me across the table told me she would rather be alone than have him in her home but is now too weak to move him out.  Of course I offered to pack his shit and throw him out for her.  She laughed and said he was too heavy for me.  I told her to come to me and my older kid offered to give up her room for her.  She’s not going to leave now.  But how sad for her.  She doesn’t get a do-over at the end, to be happy.

BF (f/k/a MM) and I were having dinner a couple of weeks ago.  We were talking about his kids, his ex-w and a problem at school.  He stopped and said that most people refer to the “fog of the affair” yet when he reviews his life to date, he feels that the fog was his marriage – his self-deception was his life with his ex-W.  It is difficult for him to come these realizations; the musings frighten him.  He punishes himself for losing those years and wonders what he was thinking.  His ex-W has been wonderfully obliging – consistently proving him right.  She has trespassed on his property (having his landlord open the door to his house so she could find “some papers”); she forged his name on legal documents; she refuses to take her kids to therapist appointments, help them with their homework, encourage attendance at school.  She has proved him right at every turn.  He has told me horrible stories of her past behavior when they were married.  – She was fired from a job when she was pregnant, yet never revealed the reason.  Imagine how egregious her actions must have been that a company believed they had a stronger case in firing her, than a pregnant woman would have against her former employers.  (Needless to say she never sued them.) – She changed a neighbor’s home listing on-line, never telling them, giving her an ‘edge’ in the marketplace.  The stories are incredible.  Yet, if it weren’t for me, for our ‘affair’, he would have done nothing.  He just simply shut himself down.

We had dinner with some of his college friend his past summer.  They live in Germany now.  The wife said some very interesting things.  She said that no one liked MM’s ex-W yet didn’t want to say anything to him – after all, it was his choice, they were his friends and they would support him (or not).  The second thing was that when she heard he had an affair she thought – good for him and that he’s really not capable of having an affair, whoever the AP is, means more than that to him.  MM/BF was stunned.  Everyone but him knew about his ex-W, but no one told him; everyone knew that he wasn’t capable of having affair yet he believes that he was wrong.  Worse, was that he was weak and would have done nothing to extricate himself from a life in which he was simply going through the motions.

So, almost 2 years after d-day, BF and his kids are coming to my town to celebrate Thanksgiving with me and my kids. 

Now, if only I could hit that stupid delete button.

Happily ever after. . . What the . . .?

As a single mother, I find that I have a different perspective on things.  What I want, what I am willing to settle for, what I need, what I want for my children.  While these seem like basic things, when you do them alone, all the time, they take on different importance.

I always felt, and certainly always told my friends, that even when I was married, I was a single mother.  I worked a full time job (outside the home), and then had to deal with the kids – homework, baths, cleaning up their rooms,  food shopping, making dinner, laundry, doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, lessons, after school activities.  The list was endless.  Except when it wasn’t.  When a bulb blew out in the kitchen, my ex-husband would run to the store to get a new one and change it.  (Of course he was eager to get out of the house so he could get high in the car.  Did he really think that I couldn’t smell it?)  When the car insurance was due, he would pay it.  When the pipe in the kitchen leaked, he would get a plumber.  When there was no milk at 11:00 pm, he would run to the store to buy a carton.  (See light bulb excuse.)  But all that notwithstanding, that meant that I didn’t have to do it.  Maybe being responsible for 99.99% was difficult, but there are days when being responsible for 100% is close to impossible.

I spent last Sunday with my younger daughter and a friend of mine going shopping.  I can’t afford to buy anything for anyone since I am now starting my 8th month of unemployment despite all efforts to get a job and starting my own business has been rough going, to say the least.  But child number 2 needed new sneakers, a dress, and generally some things to make her feel normal.  My girlfriend picked us up from the train station and en route to the outlet mall (where else) she called her husband to remind him to go food shopping.  She had left the list on the counter, but needed to add a case of Gatorade.  The call was on speaker and they discussed what he would buy for dinner and perhaps grill when she got home.  Hmmm, dinner was not even on my radar at 11:45am.  She hung up with her husband, looked at me with tears in her eyes, bemoaning the plight of being a single mother and how hard SHE has it.  HUH???  It’s a good thing I love her or I might be writing this post from jail, although I’m hard pressed to believe that a true jury of my peers (SINGLE MOTHERS) would ever convict me.  I tried to tell her that as difficult as she thought she had things, she has a job and she has a partner, someone willing to help out, maybe not to the extent she wanted, but from my vantage point, any help is a lot of help.  She complained about the fact that if she hadn’t written the shopping list, he wouldn’t know what to buy.  (So what?!?!?!)  That if she didn’t tell him which store to go to, he would go to the “other one.”  (Again, so what?!?!?!)  That, worst of all, if she didn’t call in an hour, he would be taking a nap and get to the store late.  (Really?  That’s worth complaining about??  He’s going to make sure he gets to the store because he certainly doesn’t want to incur her wrath.) 

On the up-side, she has his co-parenting (he was one the that took their kid to their afternoon game so she could go shopping); she has his pay check (directly deposited into their joint checking account); she has help around the house (as limited as she might think it is); she has his company at night, on weekends, on vacations, at the soccer field, at the parent teacher conferences, when she’s sick, on her birthday, etc., etc.  And yet . . . she complains often.  And seems unhappy in her marriage.  And talks about the lack of sex.   Crying over lunch the other day, she told me that at least she has her husband, who loves her and will never leave her.  How does she know that?  Why is she so confident of that?  I was surprised.  And a bit jealous.  Happily ever after is not what it sounds like to me.

Things with my ex-MM/BF have been pretty good lately – normal, almost.  The distance is difficult sometimes, the same stupid issues pop up and out of my mouth, but what I’ve come to see is that, as a single mother, there are other people who have plenty to say about things that are none of their business. 

My children, for example, feel that they are entitled to say anything they want about anything they want.  They like him; they don’t like him; he annoys them, they annoy him; they want him to come over, they don’t want him to come over; the list is endless and impossible to follow for any rhyme or reason.  The worst part is they like to share their negative feelings with my mother.  While I’m close with my mother, after years and years of therapy, I recognize her for what she is what her weaknesses are.  I have spent most of my life acting or reacting to my mother, seeking her approval.  I dated boys she thought were nice to please her and dated boys she hated to spite her.  As an adult she never really liked my more serious boyfriends.  My ex-husband, being a sociopathic narcissist was charming and my parents initially liked him.  When they no longer liked him, I stayed married to him.  When my parents told me to divorce him, I stayed longer, to spite them.  And in the end, ended up hurting myself.  Not the smartest thing to do, but healthy that I now see it for what it was. 

So my mother has had plenty to say about ex-MM/BF.  He’s not rich.  Well, my ex-husband makes a boat load of money (thanks to me) – should I have stayed with him?  My ex-MM/BF lives too far away.  Well, that’s an issue sometimes, but that’s MY problem, not hers.  x-MM/BF’s kids have problems/issues and they shouldn’t be my issues.  Well, I love my kids to death, but when someone lives in glass houses they shouldn’t throw stones.  But, he is kind, he’s gentle, he’s decent.  He’s kind to my children, my friends, my parents.  He’s decent and welcoming to everyone in my life.  He is not mean, cruel, judgemental, divisive, selfish, narcissistic, hurtful.  And yes, we fight.  And yes there’s some hurt still there that needs to be worked on.  But BF bought my daughter a birthday present 2 weeks before her birthday, after thinking about it for weeks and well ahead of my purchase (which I have still to make.)  BF bakes cookies with my younger daughter because she asks him, and he’s never too tired to do it.  He walks the dog without me asking; fixes the clogged drain without me asking; changes the light bulb without me asking; buys milk without me asking.

After 46 years, my mother asked me if she could fix me up with the son of a friend of hers.  He just got divorced.  He’s supposedly good-looking, smart, rich, etc.  She asked me this after having spent a weekend with me and x-MM/BF.  Really mom???  Are you kidding???  And as an aside, that never happened.

So, full circle once again.  Where was I May 10, 2010?  I have to go back and re-read what I wrote because I’m so good at forgetting so many things that hurt me.  So after reading and reading (which put me in a horrible mood) a year ago, xMM came to my town, after his w retained a divorce attorney, to see me and spend a weekend with me, to be seen in public with me as a couple, not a secret.  I was excited.  I was hurt.  Interesting how the re-reading makes all of those feelings come alive again, swirling around in my head and my heart.  It’s difficult to believe that it has been more than a year that we have a been a “public couple.”  And yet, there are plenty of people we know that don’t know about us.  There are times when I get angry that he tells people we’re together and angry when he doesn’t say anything.  It is all a constant discussion.  As he left the business that we were in together, there are still people who don’t even know that he got divorced, let alone that we’re together.  And the feedback has been mixed.  Some of my work “friends” have told me that while he’s a nice guy, he’s not really the one for me; and some have said that they knew all along that he is my soul-mate, my “meant to be.”  I don’t share the hesitant comments with him.  That would just be hurtful.

Mother’s day was a couple of weekends ago, already.  xMM/BF wanted to see his son’s little league game on Saturday at 2pm.  He told me days before that he wanted to come and spend the weekend, then refused to talk about plans for the weekend when he learned of the game and passive/aggressively let me know that he was meeting his friend for drinks on Friday evening.  I don’t care that he wanted to see the game, I care that he couldn’t come clean about it at the time he learned of it.  Worse, he was talking about coming to my town after the game.  He wouldn’t get to me until 8pm at the earliest.  I finally relented and said that I would rather spend some time with him than no time.  Until Friday when his friend invited him to a basketball game and he told me he wanted to go – worse – he said “forgive me for wanting to go.”  I told him that after all we had discussed I was more than disappointed that he wasn’t coming to see me; incensed by his rude remark and that I would see him in a couple of weeks.  The fighting was mean and vicious.  In a calmer moment, I told him to go to the game, it was a playoff game.  I also told him not to come to see me after the game or the following day.  He came anyway.  I was furious and I was happy.

He climbed into bed with me on Sunday morning, looked me in the eye and said that he wants to make this permanent, that he wants to marry me and that we should get engaged.  If I’ve told him once, I’ve told him a thousand times that I don’t want to get married again.  My last marriage was horrible.  We have a good thing.  Why fuck it up by getting married?

He told his kids that we’re going to get married some day.  I have avoided discussing this with my kids.  They don’t want me to get married.  And they don’t want me to marry him.  While I hear what they’re saying, I don’t care all that much.  I’ve spent too much of my life acting/reacting to what others say and worrying what others think.  This time, no matter what I do, it will be my decision.

x-MM/BF and I had our tarot cards read this weekend.  I love doing that kind of stuff (although I’m ashamed to admit it).   He went to the bathroom and the card reader looked at me and said that she saw I was unsure – should I be with him or not be with him and that I was leaning towards the latter.  I was surprised.  How did she know?  I know what you’re thinking – you can read/see anything you want when you listen to these “fortune tellers.”  And no, she hasn’t won the lottery with her ‘gift.’  Hmmm, food for thought.  Then during BF’s card reading, she said that she was surprised we weren’t engaged yet.  WTF???  Happily ever after?  Are you kidding?

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Life goes on.  We read.  We write.  We’re happy.  We hurt.  And yet, we’re lucky enough to wake up in the morning – no matter the emotional condition.  We agonize over that.  We ache for what could have, should have been, but isn’t or isn’t what we thought, what we wanted, what we imagined.  Be careful what you wish you for.  I no longer have enough fingers to count the number of times I’ve thought it, said it and felt it.

I started this post a month ago, and as I’ve re-read the following, it is relevant today too, so I’ll keep it and add from there.

——————–

So here I am.  3/17/2011.  A year ago today, MM was with his (ex) wife, back from a weekend in Mexico, celebrating her 40th birthday because the spa certificate wasn’t good enough for her and she had posted pictures of her “awesome 40th” on Facebook extolling the great time they had; MM sent me emails during the weekend talking about how much sleep he was getting as he hadn’t been feeling well during the week (liar); MM and I had plans to get together unbeknownst to anyone but us — the first time since 12/4/09 on 3/18/10.  And let’s not forget that he couldn’t see me or speak with me, publicly that is, while he was “working through things.”  It still burns me to think about that.  At what point will I be able to let it go?  Will I ever be able to let it go?  I don’t know the answer to that.

So, a year ago tomorrow, MM and I were meeting at a diner halfway between where he lives and where I live.  He wasn’t wearing his wedding band for the first time ever with me (ah, the fucking ring 😉 ) and despite all the water under the bridge, it felt like no time had passed.  I burned with anger, with passion, with resolve.  I wanted to slap him, kiss him, kill him, make love to him.  The day after our meeting, he told his wife that he wanted to separate.  She agreed.  He felt guilty.  I can relive every second, every feeling, every thought as if it were yesterday.  Yet it a year ago.

Tomorrow, MM/BF is coming to my town and bringing his kids, for the weekend.  Quite the dichotomy.  I was speaking to MM/BF’s son this evening and he asked me when I was going to be his step mother.  He told me that he would like that very much.  He thinks that I’m nice.  That was sweet.  I told him that I think he’s nice too.  I can’t answer his question.

————————-

MM/BF has been having panic attacks lately.  About money, life, stress, work, etc.  Bad enough that when he was here, the attack was so bad that we went to the emergency room of a local hospital.  Nothing like sitting in a psych ward on a Sunday.  He walked out with a couple of prescriptions and with a warning to see his doctor. 

Yes, the stress of the past year has gotten to him.  In fact, the stress of the past 45 years has finally caught up with him.  No big surprise.  I confess that I find it difficult to garner sympathy for someone having a panic attack.  Why can’t you just “psych yourself out of it?”  I know that’s not possible, but I wonder about it none the less.

The stress:  about getting fired, getting caught, getting hired, getting fired, getting divorced.  Boo hoo.  I’ve been under a lot of stress too and haven’t had panic attacks.  Why not?  Where do they come from?  Why can’t he control them?  Why do I always have to be the strong one?  Why do I have to take care of everything?

MM/BF came to my town, with his kids, for most of their spring break.  I got to see first hand, for an extended period of time, how he deals with life.  Quite interesting to say the least.  I was the one that disciplined his kids; I was the one that made the daily decisions – what to do, where to go, what to eat, when to bathe, etc., etc.  As for his kids – MM/BF and I had a long, painful conversation.  What I said to him was – you moved out in December 2010, your kids did not become this way in 4 months.  You had 11 years in the same house with them and your now ex-w.  Where were you as a father?  Where were you as a parent?  What were you doing?  What were you thinking about?  It wasn’t a good conversation.  He cried.  I didn’t comfort him.  We all live with the choices and decisions we make.  Luckily with children, every day is a chance to change and make a difference.  Why didn’t it bother him that he didn’t have a co-parent or a partner to help him parent?  Why did he completely abdicate control?  If your wife was spanking the kids and you didn’t approve, why did you allow it to happen, no matter how often or infrequently?  Why didn’t you stop her?  Why did you just shrug your shoulders and look the other way?  Parenting is hard work and while rewarding, isn’t always fun.  You don’t get to be “uncle daddy” and think that everything is going to be okay.

I sat his kids down, with my younger kid as there was some fighting going on.  We had a “talk it out” that I conducted in a fairly strict or rigid way – giving everyone a chance to speak, to not speak over the other person and for all of us to come up with a solution.  It was successful. 

MM/BF told his shrink that he had spent his adult life and his parenting life married to someone who was not an adult, someone who could never have controlled the situation and done what I had done.  Enough bashing of the ex-w.  What I want to know is — where was he?  What was he doing? 

I don’t want to be a parent to his kids.  It’s exhausting enough parenting my own as a single mother.  It’s hard enough stressing out about work (or lack thereof), my ex’s bad behavior, unemployment without worrying about him.  I’m tired.

MM/BF and I are in the same niche industry.  He recently applied for a job that I would have liked to apply for.  I gratuitously told him to go ahead, even though he has a job and I don’t.  Without thinking about how this would really effect me, he went ahead and applied.  I have vacillated about submitting my own application.  I spoke to him about it and he told me to apply and that he didn’t mind.  I don’t see a good outcome out of that application.  In fact, the only positive outcome I see is for him not to get the job.  If we both applied and I got it, he would resent me; if he got, I would resent him.  If I don’t apply and he gets it, I will forever wonder – what if.  It’s not a good position to be in.  I’m losing sleep over it.  What if? 

Would have, should have, could have. 

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Without trust, there is no Intimacy

It’s been about a month or so since last I wrote.  Funny how time flies or stands still depending on where you are.  I remember when I was in the thick of my affair, the time I spent with MM would fly by, yet days would drag until we saw each other next.  Time seemed to stand completely still after d-day.  Every minute that I didn’t hear from him seemed a lifetime, ever day an eternity, until a week had gone by, a month.

My ex-MM/BF took his 10 year old daughter to her school’s father-daughter dance 2 weeks ago.  He was talking to one of the other fathers while the girls “group danced” with each other.  The other father said to him that it was probably the biggest collection of people in one room who couldn’t stand their spouses but were too lazy to do anything about it.  MM told me that he responded, rather superciliously, that he found that sad and that he replied that he was determined to not be one of them.  My, how well he can re-write history!  My oh my, how willing he was to be one of them!  How sad and depressed he was when he realized that he wasn’t going to be one of them!  He then pondered aloud to this father, how sad it would be to live such an unfulfilling life and what do these people do when they are empty-nesters.  I speculated that they’ve already lived such separate lives to that point, that nothing much changes. 

We talked about a man that we know who has been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, who refers to his wife as a room-mate.  Yup, that’s what happens.  That guy goes out to dinner with “colleagues” and friends all the time and leaves the “Mrs.” at home.  And when he is home, he’s having a bottle of wine, a cigar, a glass of cognac and TV.  I have no doubt that he’s had a number of affairs and may have even been in love with a few of them, but always returned home, to his empty, hollow, life.  Why?  I recently read another blogger’s posting and he hit the nail on the head when he said “comfortably numb” is the existence you have.  I think that’s sad.  I’ve always thought that was sad.  It goes hand in hand with the notion that “inaction is as much a choice as action.”

Of course my marriage was not anywhere close to “comfortably numb.”  It was excruciating  and coming to the decision that I would rather be alone and poor, than spend 1 more second with him was  a difficult but necessary one.  My AFFAIRS made my marriage “bearable” or “comfortably numb.”  Maybe that’s what they do – make a mediocre or bad situation tolerable.  Without those affairs, what does everyone have?  A spouse that they don’t much care for?  That they are no longer, if ever, connected to?  Someone they married at a time in their lives because that was the “right thing” to do and what everyone else expected?  What lessons do we teach our children?  I, for one, would never take the moral high ground.  The one thing I can say for sure is that when I cheated on my ex-H, it made me feel alive, loved, wanted, beautiful, desirable.  It was an escape from the rotten marriage.  It “enabled” me to continue in it because all of my needs were being met elsewhere and my ex-h made a good living. 

As the OW, my affair helped me get over a bad period in my life – ending my marriage.  What happened was I hadn’t expected to fall in love with my MM, just use him for sex, use him for the way he made me feel and then move on.

My ex-MM/BF and I were driving from his home to my home on Saturday.  I was so tired, I had to close my eyes.  We were talking about his unfailing need to “always do right” by everyone, that he’s a pleaser and I was so sick and tired of this conversation that I told him:  Yeah, you wanted to do right by everyone but me.  And he replied:  By everyone but ME.  I was surprised to hear him say that.  He then said, that today, he is a completely different person than he was a year + ago.  He then said, through therapy, counseling, reading and me, he has changed.  But then he said something to the effect that if his ex-W hadn’t found his blackberry with all of our texts, it is possible that we wouldn’t be together now as he had been incapable of “hurting” anyone, but that he couldn’t fathom that everyone could in fact survive and thrive if he ended his marriage.  Funny, I reminded him that at our last in person conversation before d-day, I told him that I was done with our relationship, yes, I would let it peter out, but having signed my divorce papers I was going to focus on meeting someone who was available to me – that essentially MM had served his purposes and I was done.  He then asked if we could be friends, to which I laughed and said no.  He then told me that he loves me, wants to be with me but his kids are young, his house is “under water,” he’s unemployed (we all know the drill and litany of excuses).  I told him that I didn’t care what his excuses were and that if I were around when he sorted everything out, then I would be there and if not, too bad for him.  He asked me what he should do.  He asked me whether I was asking him to leave his wife.  I said – I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I’m GOING to do.  Then, 4 days later, we’re chatting on Skype, he’s wearing headphones so he can’t hear anything around him, and loudly proclaims that he loves me, misses me and can’t wait to see me.  “Unbeknownst to him” his mother in law is in the hall eavesdropping, tells her daughter that she suspects MM is having an affair and then . . . we’re off to the races.  I told MM as we were driving in the car, that he exploded his life.  He couldn’t be honest with his W then, or the year before, or the year before that and tell her that he wanted to leave, that he was in love with someone else, BUT he didn’t want to lose me and knew that I was preparing to leave him.  So, he swallowed a grenade.  ****Kaboom****  Shit flew everywhere and decisions were made that didn’t involve him.  In his fear at what he had done, he retreated.  And yet, he was never remorseful.  Yes, he wrote that letter.  Yes, he told me we couldn’t speak.  Yes, he “unfriended” me.  Yes, he took my call.  Yes, he called me and called me and emailed me and told me he loves.  Until . . .

Well, here we are today.  I’ve read lots of my cyber friends’ blogs talking about deleting emails, texts, etc., from their x-MM/MW/AP and while I have even given that advice, CAN’T DO IT.  And I read them, re-read them and re-re-read them.  Will someone come to my home and press “delete”?  The worst part is how horrible I feel when I read them.  How stupid I feel.  How used.  And the list goes on.  The worst part is how they conjure up the hurt all over again.  The unanswered questions, the pleading, fighting, suppressed anger.  I’m right there all over again.  Like deja vu.  🙂

So – flash forward to Valentine’s Day.  And yes, I’ve read everyone else’s accounting.  Man, I burn for you all.  My anger is raw, unrestrained for you all.  When will I stop seeing myself as the “OW” but as the girlfriend?  The significant other?  The partner?  And maybe, if I can tolerate it, the wife?

We went to an “intimacy workshop” for couples.  And it wasn’t about sex, but about connecting, becoming and staying more connected.  The class was given by someone ex-MM/BF knows as a Dojo but who is schooled in other far east schoolings and his partner happens to be a tantra goddess.  What he said was without trust you can’t have intimacy.  I froze.  The “exercise” was to look into your partner’s eyes and radiate the feelings of love you have. I leaned over and asked my ex-MM/BF: “Does Sensei know about us? How we met?  How we came to be?  Where you were?  Where you’ve come from?”  And he said:  Yes.  Trust.  So elusive.  A word we all throw around without thinking.  TRUST.  Do I trust him?  That’s HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I re-re-read my old emails between me and MM, the word “trust” comes up all the time.  After d-day, the texts and emails talk about “trust” – specifically – do I trust him to do the right thing by me?  Do I trust that we are ‘meant to be?’; do I trust that our love is strong enough to get over the obstacles that might confront us? 

Funny, that word.  Trust.

I had affairs during my marriage.  Trust.  I needed those affairs because I had a shitty marriage.  I needed those affairs to help me get over the humps of my life.  Some were emotional.  Some were physical.  And some were both.  I had this last affair with MM because I needed HIM.  Trust.  He had an affair.  Trust.  He sent me a no contact letter.  Trust?  And we talked about trusting each other, trusting our feelings, etc.  Trust.  It’s something we always talk about but something that’s so elusive/

MM and I fell in love during the tenure of his marriage.  Trust

He followed the wishes of his “now ex-W” and there was no contact.  Trust

He hurt me.  Trust

I wonder if I can get past it.

We spoke last night.  I’ve been writing this post for days – starting and stopping; reading and re-reading it and my old emails, chats, texts, etc.  It puts me in a horrible mood.  I’m afraid to hit the “delete” button and don’t know why.  And I told him that last night.  What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me.  What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist.  His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it.  I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to.  You’re an adult, I told him, act like one.  If your parents can’t be respectful of you, what is it you hope to get from them?  And if you can’t defend me to them, then I don’t want a relationship with you.  I refuse to be a secret.  And make no mistake, I told him, I wont stick around.

And here we are today.  Trust?

What’s love got to do with it?

I have been reading blogs and blogging and thinking almost all day.  I’m blue.  Maybe it’s PMS.  Maybe it’s not.  I read this quote and had to (re)post it.  Seems to sum up a lot of what we all feel.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  ~Neil Gaiman

It’s Done – Part 3

MM signed his final divorce agreement Wednesday, January 5, 2011.   Another date I can add into the timeline of my past 12 1/2 months.

12/4/09 – the last time MM and I made love

12/9/09 – DD

12/10/09 – MM exiled to Florida

[I subsequently learned: 12/12/09 – MM emailing W and writing letter about what a horrible thing he did (and then sharing it with me, looking for ME to help him out of his own words being used against him during divorce proceedings):

I have committed adultery and carried on an adulterous affair.  I can’t imagine your pain.  I am intensely sorry and I now realize how incredibly horrible I was to do this.  But I am not a loser.  If you sincerely believe that I am a loser and was never a good person, then we should consider ending our marriage.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to try and deal with this with you in order to try and repair our marriage.  While I understand that you need time to deal with your pain and anger, I think that we need to get into counseling as soon as possible if we are going to have a chance to make things right.  I don’t think it is enough to get advice from friends and family members or to just reflect on things ourselves.  Professional counselors have training and experience and have helped plenty of people in our situation.  I would like to come home, find a place to stay, and go to counseling with you as soon as possible.
I hope you will give this some consideration.  I love you and I want to prove to you that you can love and trust me.  I also want to make sure that the kids are shielded from what goes on between you and me.

I hope you mean that I need to prove that I know that I messed up and that I will never do this again.  To prove that I love you and recognize the severity of what I did.  I don’t understand you wanting me to prove that I am worth it.  We have been together for almost 14 years.  This was a horrible thing, but it was isolated and stupid and it will never happen again.  If you don’t see my worth as a person who has made a terrible, selfish mistake, but who is a good person, then there are other problems.  I really think that a counselor could help us with this, and the sooner the better.  I would be willing to come up just for the counseling and leave afterward.

I love you.

12/14/09 – the last time MM and I spoke

[12/14/09 – I since learned of the letter that MM wrote W explaining his “bad behavior” and how it was horrible and selfish and will never happen again.  How he loves his w, how they have a “story book” marriage, how he is so sorry and will spend the rest of his life making up for his affair.]

12/28/09 – the last instant message from MM telling me he missed me and was sorry that he hurt me. 

1/12/10 – the “However comma” no contact email from MM and his W

1/26/10 – We spoke — I called to tell him that he was embarrassing me publicly. 

2/5/10 – or thereabouts – after he asked me to travel with him, took his W;

[I since learned: 2/15/10- went to FL with his W and kids and fucked his w in FL for the first time in 14 years]

3/10 – we agreed to see each other, w found out, forbid it and told him they should leave the state;

3/10 – MM took his W to the Caribbean for her birthday and sent me emails telling me how much sleep he got over the weekend and how he couldn’t wait to see me

3/10 – saw MM midway between his state and mine and it was if no time had passed; he resolved to end his marriage.

4/10 – I told MM that I was done with him finally.  He told me he loved me, when his W came home from her vacation he was leaving her.

4/10 – W came home, they had dinner and she raised divorce and he agreed.

. . . . And they are off to the races.

On January 5, 2010 I eulogized MM in my blog.  It was cathartic.  A year later, MM eulogized his marriage to me.  I went to see him on 1/4 and spent the night.  It was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back.  He had to be in court at 8:30 am.  Papers were signed and the divorce is final.  It will be entered by the court in 3 months.  I couldn’t wait for him to be done as I had to get home to pick up my kids from school.  He commented that ex-W wore skinny jeans and big black boots to court and looked like a “$3 hooker.”  Funny to think about.  He wore a jacket, pants and button down shirt.  I told him that in my opinion it epitomized their differences.  She could finally be who she is as, as could he.

I told one of my dear friends that the divorce was final and he asked me how much longer before I ended the relationship.  I laughed, but the thought has crossed my mind.  Where do we go from here.  There’s a lot of water under the bridge.  And when I try to discuss it, MM says:  I don’t want to talk about that now; I don’t want to think about that now.  He’s a perfect Scarlett O’Hara.  Does that make me Rhett Butler?

Good-bye 2010. Don’t let the door knob hit you . . .

To all of my cyber friends –

While this has been a horrible year for me, and yes, I cried again tonight over all the mistakes I’ve made and all the fears I have for tomorrow  – all the “should haves, could haves, would haves”  – I am thankful for all of you.  You are all my silver lining to my rain cloud.  The past year + 22 days was unimaginable to me in 2009, 2008 and earlier, yet here we all are.  I hope, for all of us, that 2011 will bring some peace, some respite from the pain.  I, for one, know that not being alone has been healing and cathartic.  To find a world out there of people who understand me, my pain and my experience,  selfishly makes me feel better.  I am thankful to you all.  I read your blogs and I know you read mine.  I could not have made it without you, and that’s the truth.

My wish for 2011 for all of US (non-denominationally):

God, grant us the…

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless

Happy New Year to all of my friends.  Without you, I would not have made it and for that, I am thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.

As my father would say:  Good bye 2010, don’t let the door knob hit you, where the good Lord split you.  🙂

–Susan

(Un)Happy Holidays

I hate this time of year.  The forced joviality.  The “what are you doing for Christmas?”  “what are you doing for New Year’s?”  And if you don’t have an answer, you feel like a loser, like shit, like the other woman/other man in an affair.

MM is in Florida with his parents, kids, sister and her family.  He called me this evening  . . . from the garage, because it was allegedly so noisy in the house that he couldn’t hear himself speak.  During our conversation he threw out the garbage for his brother-in-law, told me he was shivering and then had his father come out to tell him that the movie they were planning to watch was going to start.  Hmmmm.  Why wouldn’t his father say, we’re waiting for you, son, to watch the movie, are you going to be much longer on the phone with your girlfriend?  Why wouldn’t he call me from the living room?  The guest room – and close the door?  The den?  Am I forever relegated to being the OTHER WOMAN?  Being talked to in secret???  From the garage????? Been there for 3 years; done that.  Year 4: Fuck him.

I think, as I say good-bye to 2010, there are a lot of decisions that I need to make and nothing more urgent than what I’m going to do with MM.  I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.  I’m sad, lost, confused.  I love him and I hate him at the same time.  I hate myself for loving him.  I hate myself for wanting to be with him.  The worst part for me is that it is undefinable.  Why him?  How did I end up here?  Will the feeling of being the OW ever go away?  Can we ever have a normal relationship?  Will I/he ever be accepted? 

Lots to think about in the New Year.  Lots of decisions to make. 

Hey, I’m not getting any younger and no, Virginia there is no such thing as Santa Claus.  Lies, lies and more lies.

Ho fucking ho, ho, ho.