Posts Tagged ‘soul mate’

Another blog – Whyhaveanaffair – and its impact

June 3, 2013

blowing-a-dandelionI have been following, albeit intermittently, another blog – whyhaveanaffair. It has been incredibly interesting and illuminaating. It is written by a MM who had an affair, with comments by his W. They are working to repair and keep their marriage. There is another blogger who comments often, betrayalsurvivor1981, on this blog and she has raised some very interesting points to me that I would like to post here – full credit to her, to the other bloggers and whyhaveanaffair’s blog.

As most of my readers know, I spent a lot of time wondering what my xMM’s W was thinking immediately after d-day. This blog answers a lot of those questions. But the posting on “hysterical bonding” rocked my world. I didn’t understand it. I spent a lot of time ruminating whether MM and his W were sleeping together/having sex, after d-day and if so, why would SHE do it, how could HE do it. I also understand that all affairs are different, just as people are different, situations are different and while we can find comfort and education in other people’s trials and tribulations, we need to learn from our singular mistakes, triumphs, heartbreaks and loves.

I would like to share my exchanges with the bloggers as I found their insights quite poignant – and of course I would love to respond. 🙂

The posting was “Hysterical bonding”:
ME:Thanks, betrayalsurvivor1981 and mr and mrs. Yes, my “about me” is outdated. I haven’t thought to change it. The blog is always evolving, just like me. I think that the writing/blogging helps get through some sticky, unhappy times. Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story.How you came to where you are now. You are right. My xMM is now my BF – or at least we are now publically a couple after all of the years of being hidden. I’m sure that our story is not much different than the story of Mr.’s friend who married his AP. Sometimes marriages are irretrievably broken but no one walks away until something forces the issues. Like pergatory. We can all drift there forever. There are a million reasons why people have affairs, why those affairs end, perpetuate, fizzle, explode or morph into something more, or die. Do not judge unless you walk a mile in that person’s shoes. Easier said than done, right? And don’t forget that the blogging is a snapshot. Not everyone writes everything. It is a place to vent. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I a villain? A hero? A good person or bad? All of the above to a mullitude of people. But if you ask the questions, I would happily tell. We all hope to learn from each other. That’s why we are hear in the blogging world. Not to condemn. But to learn and for some catharsis. Yes, please read my blog. But understand that I too bleed, hurt, love, care and didn’t go into an affair with the hopes of destroying anyone’s marriage. And my last thought of the day, it is alway easier to make the “Other” woman/man the villain, yet we are not the ones who took the vows; we are not the ones who broke those vows. We are oftentimes not the crazies that the Married man/woman portray us to be, yet we are often the scapegoats. You know why? Because the BS doesn’t always want to know the truth or they really really want to believe their spouse. I KNOW what I did, how I behaved and I KNOW what my MM told his W. I KNOW the lies he told her. He asked me to corroborate them. He lied to his W after d-day telling her I called when I didn’t, telling her I emailed, texted when I didn’t. But my relationship was with him, not with her. The flaw in their marriage wasn’t me. It was between them and their inability to end their marriage and walk away after it had died (or rightlyfully before it had started.) Ask away. I have a milion questions for you!
Happy Valentine’s day!!

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 14, 2013 at 11:58 pm
(“…I definitely appreciate more the ones from supportive people like yourself. We feel like you’re a friend (albeit at a distance !) and we both appreciate your support and friendship.”) – from whyhaveanaffair 2/9/13
Because of this “cyber-friendship,” I feel comfortable responding to Susan on your blog, Mr. and Mrs. B (as I haven’t started my own blog – yet).
___________________________________
From Susan: (“Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story. How you came to where you are now.”)
Susan, firstly I want to thank you for your interest in my story. EVERY human being on the face on this planet has a right to his/her opinions & beliefs. Therefore, I want to assure you in advance that my post is NOT aimed to try and vilify you. However, my beliefs and opinions – like yours – are ROCK SOLID and FIRM! Buckle your seatbelts, sweetheart, because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

I am an African American grandma. In 1981 my physically and mentally abusive serial-cheating husband deserted his family. On every DDay prior to the final affair that resulted in his leaving, I received from him the usual begging and pleading for my forgiveness, and promises that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. After fathering an OC (a baby girl) with one of his affair partners, he left me for yet another affair partner (not the OC’s mother) whom he later married. He left me pregnant with our third child (a girl), as well as our 2-years-old and 1-year-old sons. Having EXTREMELY low self-esteem at that time in my life (and therefore not realizing that I was actually better off for him leaving), I was absolutely devastated and ashamed. (My parents were happily and solidly married for nearly forty years until my father died in 1995, and divorce made me feel like the “black sheep” of the family [no pun intended]. My mother is also now deceased.)

Despite all the negative things that had occurred in my marriage, I loved the ground my husband walked on, and I literally wanted to die after he abandoned us. In fact, I attempted suicide when my husband abandoned us, and it landed me in the hospital for over a week. Although my devastating grief could maybe EXPLAIN such a reckless act, NOTHING can ever EXCUSE it – mainly because I was PREGNANT! (She is now a very healthy 31-yr-old businesswoman. ) When I think of the damage my selfish act could’ve done to my unborn child, even though I survived the suicide attempt; as well as the devastating legacy I would’ve foisted upon our 2 baby sons had my attempt succeeded – all because of my heartache over my children’s serial-cheating father, coupled with my excessively low self-esteem – I am STILL ashamed to this day and will never COMPLETELY forgive myself! However, I am now a “tough-as-nails” BETRAYAL SURVIVOR, and sincerely GRATEFUL to have lived to see my 4 (so far) grandkids!

As a divorced mother I worked full time as an administrative assistant and raised my kids. They are now 31, 33 and 34; all have attended college; my sons are married with children of their own; my daughter is an unmarried (by her choice) and childless businesswoman (“you go, girl!” ); and all of them are successful. My three children’s half-sister (the OC) is a magnificent woman who is 32 and married with an adorable son, and my children love and have been very close to their sister for many years. She’s also one of my Facebook “friends.” (Twenty years ago her mother called me and apologized for having slept with my husband, and I accepted her apology. I NEVER blamed my children’s sister, because human beings have absolutely no control over the circumstances of our births. The adultery was committed by her father and mother, NOT by the innocent child!)

Although my children love their father (of course they do, because he is their father, after all, and always will be), they have told me (AND him) several times through the years that they DON’T RESPECT him, due to his past behavior toward me and his betrayal and abandonment of me AND them. My children have told me (AND their father) that they love AND respect me, and hold me in high regard for how I survived the life-shattering heartbreak and calamity that was forced upon me by their father’s actions back then.

It wasn’t easy raising three children alone by a long shot (I remarried after they were grown), but with God’s grace those childrearing years were the very best times of my life! (BTW, my children’s father -– my ex-husband -– who left me for wife #2, is now with wife #4. Go figure.)
____________________________________
Susan, I’m a church pastor’s daughter (my father is deceased), and a Christian. I said I’m a Christian – NOT Christ! I have so many faults you could fill an encyclopedia with them! Absolutely NO human being – those who have lived on this earth and are no longer alive; those of us who are currently alive; and those who have yet to be born – are perfect! (For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23) I’m a firm believer that people have a right to live our lives as we see fit – so long as we do not encroach upon someone’s else’s life – which is EXACTLY what affairs do!

From Susan: (“But understand that I…didn’t go into an affair with the hopes of destroying anyone’s marriage.”)
This is an example of what separates adults from children. “I didn’t MEAN to do it, Mommy,” (when a child has been caught in wrongdoing); “I never intended for anybody to get hurt, Pops,” (when a child’s folly causes harm in ways the child could have never foreseen); is behavior that is – childish. As adults, we are responsible for our actions, and adults know that engaging in extramarital affairs is wrong. Therefore, any pain and devastation that occur – directly or indirectly – related to an affair is the fault of BOTH the CH/CW AND the OW/OM!

From Susan: (“…It is always easier to make the “Other” woman/man the villain, yet we are not the ones who took the vows; we are not the ones who broke those vows.”)
This is a common “AP” fallacy that must be addressed. There is no way ANYONE involved in an affair has “clean hands.” The OW who has an EA/PA/BOTH with a MM is with someone who DOESN’T belong to her; and the OM who has an EA/PA/BOTH with a MW is with someone who DOESN’T belong to him. It doesn’t matter that the AP didn’t take vows with the Betrayed Spouse. It doesn’t matter that the marriage had vulnerabilities, as EVERY marriage has vulnerabilities. That doesn’t give the CH/OW or CW/OM carte blanche to be with each other! If the owners of a house, for example, are away and the front/back/garage door has been left unlocked, any person who enters that house unauthorizedly will be guilty of a felony, punishable by law. It doesn’t matter that the house was vulnerable. If a car is parked anywhere, unlocked and even with the keys in the ignition, any person who enters that car unauthorizedly and drives away is guilty of felony. It doesn’t matter that the car was vulnerable. People argue that other PEOPLE don’t BELONG to anybody. As a Christian, my beliefs dispute that argument based on 1 Corinthians 7:3-4: “A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife.”

From Susan: (“We are oftentimes not the crazies that the Married man/woman portray us to be, yet we are often the scapegoats. You know why? Because the BS doesn’t always want to know the truth or they really really want to believe their spouse.”)
There is something that I firmly disagree with: the tendency for ONLY the OW to be branded as the homewrecker! BOTH the CH AND the OW, or the CW AND the OM, are EQUAL homewreckers! The MM wrecked his own home, and his AP participated in it. The MW wrecked her own home, and her AP participated in it. As for the BS not wanting to know the truth: Seriously, Susan? “Other” women are NOTORIOUS for believing ANYTHING the MM says about his Wife, even though – in MOST cases – the OW has NEVER EVER met the W personally! What married man is going to walk up to a woman and say, “Hey baby, I’m deeply in love with my wife, we have a great sex life, and I’m never going to leave her for any THING, any BODY, or any REASON. But, you sure look good to me, Sugar. How about giving me some of that?” That man will find himself picking up his teeth after being slapped into next week by the woman he propositioned in that ridiculous manner. Married Men know EXACTLY the time-worn clichés that work with Other Women, and OWs continue to fall for the lies every single day!

From Susan: (“I KNOW what I did, how I behaved and I KNOW what my MM told his W. I KNOW the lies he told her. He asked me to corroborate them. He lied to his W after d-day telling her I called when I didn’t, telling her I emailed, texted when I didn’t. But my relationship was with him, not with her.”)
You’re right about that, Susan, your relationship was/is with him – a LIAR and a CHEAT (by your own description above). He did NOT stop being a liar and a cheat when the divorce papers were signed. Please don’t fool yourself, Susan. (I have read your ENTIRE blog, by the way.)

From Susan: (“It was between them and their inability to end their marriage and walk away after it had died [or rightfully before it had started].”)
Who has the right to decide if “rightfully” a marriage should not have started? What about if a mass killer should have “rightfully” been born? Should Adolf Hitler, Timothy McVeigh, Aileen Wuournos, Charles Manson, or Adam Lanza (to name a VERY VERY few) “rightfully” should not have been conceived and born because of the murder and absolute devastation their existence would cause? The “that marriage should never have happened in the first place” is yet another argument used to justify and affair, and it DOESN’T HOLD WATER.

I honor marriage and I detest divorce, whether affair-related or not. However, I am fully aware that there ARE times when divorce is the BEST thing for the wife and/or husband in a doomed marriage. (Please see my comments on the blog of “Bad Husband” http://www.affairturmoil.wordpress.com ) Although I didn’t realize it over thirty years ago, through the years I HAVE realized that my divorce from my first husband ended up being the BEST thing to have happened to me AND our children with regard to my marriage, because, as I stated above, he was also PHYSICALLY abusive. Who knows when one of his beatings may have resulted in serious injury or even death to me or to one of our children?

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 15, 2013 at 1:59 am
(My comment is continuing here, Susan, because I was granted more time on this computer. The “gods” are looking out for me today! )

There certainly ARE marriages that have “died” and need to be buried. But, it is COWARDLY for the husband and/or wife in that “dead” marriage to enter into an extramarital affair with someone WITHOUT FIRST HAVING OBTAINED A DIVORCE! Married men are NOTORIOUS for “having their cake and eating it, too.” They want “out” of their “unhappy” marriages, yet MOST of them are the first ones on their knees on DDay, begging and pleading for the wife’s forgiveness, and promising to high heaven that they will spend the rest of their lives making it up to the wife. Often, it is the Betrayed Spouse who decides that she (or he, if the cheater was the wife) can no longer live with someone who committed the most egregious offense possible against their spouse. (From your “Time is of the Essence” 2/8/13 post: “But my BF/xMM stayed after HIS affair was discovered, to try and work things out. I can’t help but ruminate from time to time, what would have happened if his wife hadn’t wanted to push for the divorce.”)

In closing, I’ll say this:
Susan, it is NEVER a CONTEST between the Wife and the Other Woman! Nobody “wins” when it comes to affairs. (From your “And the winner is” 1/6/10 post: “After all of this, you know what? He chose her. He didn’t choose me. So I guess she wins. What’s the prize? An emasculated, castrated unhappy man, in love with someone else for 3 years; fucking someone else for 2 1/2 years; sending her emails about loving her, missing her, wanting to be with her. Even if he doesn’t tell [his wife] everything or only tells her some of it, or shockingly lies about our affair, what is she thinking? What does she get? His honesty? His loyalty? His fidelity? His love? His companionship? Is she letting him sleep in her bed? In her house? Under her roof? Are they eating their meals together? Doesn’t she want to smack him? I do. What I really want to know is who wins? Her? MM? Me?”)

[Please read “Debunking the myths of infidelity: revisited” 12/29/12 @ http://www.rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com

Susan says:
February 15, 2013 at 1:20 pm
Betrayalsurvivor1981 – Thank you so much for your response. I didn’t want you to think that I wouldn’t respond. I would like to give you the proper response, however, but US/east coast time is pushing me to work. Honestly, your story is one of strength and courage. And one I admire. I am a firm believe in the adage that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and you certainly live it. I’ll be back. And I would certainly love to share your comments on my blog.

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 16, 2013 at 5:15 pm
Thanks, Susan, for your quick “mini-response.” (I know you were on your way to work and that, of course, is a huge priority. We gotta pay our bills, right? ) Also, thank you for your statement concerning my story, and for honoring me with your request to share my comments on your blog.

I’m an “optimistic skeptic” (now THAT’S an oxymoron, if there ever was one!). I welcome the compliment of your using my comments on your blog, with the following requests (that I’m sure you already know, but being an “optimistic skeptic” I must say this anyway: please be sure to notate me as the author of any of my comments you use; and I ask that “creative editing” not be used when quoting me. (I studied journalism in college, and I know the “tricks of the trade.” )

Again, thank you for your interest, and I look forward to your “proper response” (as you worded it above).

———–
So – Holy cow! Some of the things that betrayalsurvivor said knocked me down. I don’t agree with everything, but it was certainly informative and from a completely different perspective from mine. And funny how we have some similarities in our stories. 😉
I had an affair for a selfish reason – it was something I needed at that time in my life. I was ending my marriage and craved physical and emotional intimacy with someone, anyone. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive so while my children and I do not have physical scars, we carry around the motional ones – not readily visible or easily discussed. It was hard to end my marriage after 17 years, and yes, my parents are still married after 50 years. It was what I thought marriage was about – a life long commitment to someone I loved, admired, respected and wanted to grow old with. Unfortunately, that wasn’t my ex. I probably never should have married him, but then I wouldn’t have my kids.

While betraylsurvivor quotes the bible and whose body belongs to whom, I find that beautiful in a perfect world. Unfortunately, most of us don’t live there. We live here. Sometimes in our own miserable hell. So what MM does/doesn’t do – his vows are not my vows. Yeah, if a MM tells an OW it’s just a fuck, likely she may not be “up” for it (pun intended), but there are plenty of OW/OM who don’t care. Do I believe that MM/MW are liars when they enter into affairs?? You betcha!! But then there are people who are weak, who are trapped – from every direction. Who can’t make a decision, an action without someone telling them, approving it. My MM should have ended his marriage for all the right reasons instead of because he had an affair. It was shitty for all concerned. And the ripple effect continues. Retribution, for sure.

A couple of months ago, I spent a long weekend with my BF/xMM and his parents – just the 4 of us. And if you’ve read all of my blog, then you know that his xW, made him call his parents after d-day, confess his affair, spend 2+ weeks with his parents in exile and then try to repair his broken marriage at the direction of his parents. xMM/BF and I have now been together, openly, for 3 years. It was time to address the elephant in the room. So I did. And BF’s mother said – that he believes and has consistently maintained that he and I are soul-mates. Yeah. Not so difficult. But a lousy way to start. I wish that we had met after he had divorced his xW, but perhaps without me, he never would have. Perhaps without me, he would have stayed in his emotionally abusive relationship with an asbergers narcissistic woman, solely responsible for the financial and emotional needs of his children. What a lousy way to live.

As to knowing he lied to xW – yeah, it concerns me. Once a liar, always a liar is a popular theory. But my BF isn’t Is there trust? Do I trust him? Yes, I do. If I don’t, then we have nothing. And to be fair, there are times when I don’t. I hate those moments. The re-reading the old emails, the chats; replaying the memories, the conversations, the feelings. And this time of year particularly galls me – as xW’s birthday has come and gone – It was after d-day, March, 2010 when he was telling me how much he loves me, needs me, misses me, wants to be with me and is going to separate from his xW after d-day, that he took her to the Carribean for her birthday, texting me all weekend that he was fighting a cold and getting lots of sleep. (The other day I was leafing through some books in his house and found the receipt for Bubba Gumps in Cancun, March 2010 and got pissed off all over again.)

Lastly, a lot of the MM/MW who have cheated haven’t had “love affairs.” They have had a physical indiscretion. I’m not saying one is better or worse. Being physicallly intimate with someone other than your spouse is difficult for the BS, but being emotially cheated on must be worse. So the spouse LOOKING for it, in my humble opinion, is worse than the one who isn’t. The spouse who falls in love or becomes emotionally attached to someone other than their spouse is in an entirely different category than the one night stand. But, like the rest of this blog, that’s just my opinion.

Don’t know why it took me so long to write, edit and post this entry. Been busy. With life. And the hurt and the anger, fade over time and are replaced by other feelings. And life has a regular rhythm – good, bad, ugly, beautiful. Thank goodness.

Happily ever after. . . What the . . .?

May 25, 2011

As a single mother, I find that I have a different perspective on things.  What I want, what I am willing to settle for, what I need, what I want for my children.  While these seem like basic things, when you do them alone, all the time, they take on different importance.

I always felt, and certainly always told my friends, that even when I was married, I was a single mother.  I worked a full time job (outside the home), and then had to deal with the kids – homework, baths, cleaning up their rooms,  food shopping, making dinner, laundry, doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, lessons, after school activities.  The list was endless.  Except when it wasn’t.  When a bulb blew out in the kitchen, my ex-husband would run to the store to get a new one and change it.  (Of course he was eager to get out of the house so he could get high in the car.  Did he really think that I couldn’t smell it?)  When the car insurance was due, he would pay it.  When the pipe in the kitchen leaked, he would get a plumber.  When there was no milk at 11:00 pm, he would run to the store to buy a carton.  (See light bulb excuse.)  But all that notwithstanding, that meant that I didn’t have to do it.  Maybe being responsible for 99.99% was difficult, but there are days when being responsible for 100% is close to impossible.

I spent last Sunday with my younger daughter and a friend of mine going shopping.  I can’t afford to buy anything for anyone since I am now starting my 8th month of unemployment despite all efforts to get a job and starting my own business has been rough going, to say the least.  But child number 2 needed new sneakers, a dress, and generally some things to make her feel normal.  My girlfriend picked us up from the train station and en route to the outlet mall (where else) she called her husband to remind him to go food shopping.  She had left the list on the counter, but needed to add a case of Gatorade.  The call was on speaker and they discussed what he would buy for dinner and perhaps grill when she got home.  Hmmm, dinner was not even on my radar at 11:45am.  She hung up with her husband, looked at me with tears in her eyes, bemoaning the plight of being a single mother and how hard SHE has it.  HUH???  It’s a good thing I love her or I might be writing this post from jail, although I’m hard pressed to believe that a true jury of my peers (SINGLE MOTHERS) would ever convict me.  I tried to tell her that as difficult as she thought she had things, she has a job and she has a partner, someone willing to help out, maybe not to the extent she wanted, but from my vantage point, any help is a lot of help.  She complained about the fact that if she hadn’t written the shopping list, he wouldn’t know what to buy.  (So what?!?!?!)  That if she didn’t tell him which store to go to, he would go to the “other one.”  (Again, so what?!?!?!)  That, worst of all, if she didn’t call in an hour, he would be taking a nap and get to the store late.  (Really?  That’s worth complaining about??  He’s going to make sure he gets to the store because he certainly doesn’t want to incur her wrath.) 

On the up-side, she has his co-parenting (he was one the that took their kid to their afternoon game so she could go shopping); she has his pay check (directly deposited into their joint checking account); she has help around the house (as limited as she might think it is); she has his company at night, on weekends, on vacations, at the soccer field, at the parent teacher conferences, when she’s sick, on her birthday, etc., etc.  And yet . . . she complains often.  And seems unhappy in her marriage.  And talks about the lack of sex.   Crying over lunch the other day, she told me that at least she has her husband, who loves her and will never leave her.  How does she know that?  Why is she so confident of that?  I was surprised.  And a bit jealous.  Happily ever after is not what it sounds like to me.

Things with my ex-MM/BF have been pretty good lately – normal, almost.  The distance is difficult sometimes, the same stupid issues pop up and out of my mouth, but what I’ve come to see is that, as a single mother, there are other people who have plenty to say about things that are none of their business. 

My children, for example, feel that they are entitled to say anything they want about anything they want.  They like him; they don’t like him; he annoys them, they annoy him; they want him to come over, they don’t want him to come over; the list is endless and impossible to follow for any rhyme or reason.  The worst part is they like to share their negative feelings with my mother.  While I’m close with my mother, after years and years of therapy, I recognize her for what she is what her weaknesses are.  I have spent most of my life acting or reacting to my mother, seeking her approval.  I dated boys she thought were nice to please her and dated boys she hated to spite her.  As an adult she never really liked my more serious boyfriends.  My ex-husband, being a sociopathic narcissist was charming and my parents initially liked him.  When they no longer liked him, I stayed married to him.  When my parents told me to divorce him, I stayed longer, to spite them.  And in the end, ended up hurting myself.  Not the smartest thing to do, but healthy that I now see it for what it was. 

So my mother has had plenty to say about ex-MM/BF.  He’s not rich.  Well, my ex-husband makes a boat load of money (thanks to me) – should I have stayed with him?  My ex-MM/BF lives too far away.  Well, that’s an issue sometimes, but that’s MY problem, not hers.  x-MM/BF’s kids have problems/issues and they shouldn’t be my issues.  Well, I love my kids to death, but when someone lives in glass houses they shouldn’t throw stones.  But, he is kind, he’s gentle, he’s decent.  He’s kind to my children, my friends, my parents.  He’s decent and welcoming to everyone in my life.  He is not mean, cruel, judgemental, divisive, selfish, narcissistic, hurtful.  And yes, we fight.  And yes there’s some hurt still there that needs to be worked on.  But BF bought my daughter a birthday present 2 weeks before her birthday, after thinking about it for weeks and well ahead of my purchase (which I have still to make.)  BF bakes cookies with my younger daughter because she asks him, and he’s never too tired to do it.  He walks the dog without me asking; fixes the clogged drain without me asking; changes the light bulb without me asking; buys milk without me asking.

After 46 years, my mother asked me if she could fix me up with the son of a friend of hers.  He just got divorced.  He’s supposedly good-looking, smart, rich, etc.  She asked me this after having spent a weekend with me and x-MM/BF.  Really mom???  Are you kidding???  And as an aside, that never happened.

So, full circle once again.  Where was I May 10, 2010?  I have to go back and re-read what I wrote because I’m so good at forgetting so many things that hurt me.  So after reading and reading (which put me in a horrible mood) a year ago, xMM came to my town, after his w retained a divorce attorney, to see me and spend a weekend with me, to be seen in public with me as a couple, not a secret.  I was excited.  I was hurt.  Interesting how the re-reading makes all of those feelings come alive again, swirling around in my head and my heart.  It’s difficult to believe that it has been more than a year that we have a been a “public couple.”  And yet, there are plenty of people we know that don’t know about us.  There are times when I get angry that he tells people we’re together and angry when he doesn’t say anything.  It is all a constant discussion.  As he left the business that we were in together, there are still people who don’t even know that he got divorced, let alone that we’re together.  And the feedback has been mixed.  Some of my work “friends” have told me that while he’s a nice guy, he’s not really the one for me; and some have said that they knew all along that he is my soul-mate, my “meant to be.”  I don’t share the hesitant comments with him.  That would just be hurtful.

Mother’s day was a couple of weekends ago, already.  xMM/BF wanted to see his son’s little league game on Saturday at 2pm.  He told me days before that he wanted to come and spend the weekend, then refused to talk about plans for the weekend when he learned of the game and passive/aggressively let me know that he was meeting his friend for drinks on Friday evening.  I don’t care that he wanted to see the game, I care that he couldn’t come clean about it at the time he learned of it.  Worse, he was talking about coming to my town after the game.  He wouldn’t get to me until 8pm at the earliest.  I finally relented and said that I would rather spend some time with him than no time.  Until Friday when his friend invited him to a basketball game and he told me he wanted to go – worse – he said “forgive me for wanting to go.”  I told him that after all we had discussed I was more than disappointed that he wasn’t coming to see me; incensed by his rude remark and that I would see him in a couple of weeks.  The fighting was mean and vicious.  In a calmer moment, I told him to go to the game, it was a playoff game.  I also told him not to come to see me after the game or the following day.  He came anyway.  I was furious and I was happy.

He climbed into bed with me on Sunday morning, looked me in the eye and said that he wants to make this permanent, that he wants to marry me and that we should get engaged.  If I’ve told him once, I’ve told him a thousand times that I don’t want to get married again.  My last marriage was horrible.  We have a good thing.  Why fuck it up by getting married?

He told his kids that we’re going to get married some day.  I have avoided discussing this with my kids.  They don’t want me to get married.  And they don’t want me to marry him.  While I hear what they’re saying, I don’t care all that much.  I’ve spent too much of my life acting/reacting to what others say and worrying what others think.  This time, no matter what I do, it will be my decision.

x-MM/BF and I had our tarot cards read this weekend.  I love doing that kind of stuff (although I’m ashamed to admit it).   He went to the bathroom and the card reader looked at me and said that she saw I was unsure – should I be with him or not be with him and that I was leaning towards the latter.  I was surprised.  How did she know?  I know what you’re thinking – you can read/see anything you want when you listen to these “fortune tellers.”  And no, she hasn’t won the lottery with her ‘gift.’  Hmmm, food for thought.  Then during BF’s card reading, she said that she was surprised we weren’t engaged yet.  WTF???  Happily ever after?  Are you kidding?

Without trust, there is no Intimacy

February 16, 2011

It’s been about a month or so since last I wrote.  Funny how time flies or stands still depending on where you are.  I remember when I was in the thick of my affair, the time I spent with MM would fly by, yet days would drag until we saw each other next.  Time seemed to stand completely still after d-day.  Every minute that I didn’t hear from him seemed a lifetime, ever day an eternity, until a week had gone by, a month.

My ex-MM/BF took his 10 year old daughter to her school’s father-daughter dance 2 weeks ago.  He was talking to one of the other fathers while the girls “group danced” with each other.  The other father said to him that it was probably the biggest collection of people in one room who couldn’t stand their spouses but were too lazy to do anything about it.  MM told me that he responded, rather superciliously, that he found that sad and that he replied that he was determined to not be one of them.  My, how well he can re-write history!  My oh my, how willing he was to be one of them!  How sad and depressed he was when he realized that he wasn’t going to be one of them!  He then pondered aloud to this father, how sad it would be to live such an unfulfilling life and what do these people do when they are empty-nesters.  I speculated that they’ve already lived such separate lives to that point, that nothing much changes. 

We talked about a man that we know who has been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, who refers to his wife as a room-mate.  Yup, that’s what happens.  That guy goes out to dinner with “colleagues” and friends all the time and leaves the “Mrs.” at home.  And when he is home, he’s having a bottle of wine, a cigar, a glass of cognac and TV.  I have no doubt that he’s had a number of affairs and may have even been in love with a few of them, but always returned home, to his empty, hollow, life.  Why?  I recently read another blogger’s posting and he hit the nail on the head when he said “comfortably numb” is the existence you have.  I think that’s sad.  I’ve always thought that was sad.  It goes hand in hand with the notion that “inaction is as much a choice as action.”

Of course my marriage was not anywhere close to “comfortably numb.”  It was excruciating  and coming to the decision that I would rather be alone and poor, than spend 1 more second with him was  a difficult but necessary one.  My AFFAIRS made my marriage “bearable” or “comfortably numb.”  Maybe that’s what they do – make a mediocre or bad situation tolerable.  Without those affairs, what does everyone have?  A spouse that they don’t much care for?  That they are no longer, if ever, connected to?  Someone they married at a time in their lives because that was the “right thing” to do and what everyone else expected?  What lessons do we teach our children?  I, for one, would never take the moral high ground.  The one thing I can say for sure is that when I cheated on my ex-H, it made me feel alive, loved, wanted, beautiful, desirable.  It was an escape from the rotten marriage.  It “enabled” me to continue in it because all of my needs were being met elsewhere and my ex-h made a good living. 

As the OW, my affair helped me get over a bad period in my life – ending my marriage.  What happened was I hadn’t expected to fall in love with my MM, just use him for sex, use him for the way he made me feel and then move on.

My ex-MM/BF and I were driving from his home to my home on Saturday.  I was so tired, I had to close my eyes.  We were talking about his unfailing need to “always do right” by everyone, that he’s a pleaser and I was so sick and tired of this conversation that I told him:  Yeah, you wanted to do right by everyone but me.  And he replied:  By everyone but ME.  I was surprised to hear him say that.  He then said, that today, he is a completely different person than he was a year + ago.  He then said, through therapy, counseling, reading and me, he has changed.  But then he said something to the effect that if his ex-W hadn’t found his blackberry with all of our texts, it is possible that we wouldn’t be together now as he had been incapable of “hurting” anyone, but that he couldn’t fathom that everyone could in fact survive and thrive if he ended his marriage.  Funny, I reminded him that at our last in person conversation before d-day, I told him that I was done with our relationship, yes, I would let it peter out, but having signed my divorce papers I was going to focus on meeting someone who was available to me – that essentially MM had served his purposes and I was done.  He then asked if we could be friends, to which I laughed and said no.  He then told me that he loves me, wants to be with me but his kids are young, his house is “under water,” he’s unemployed (we all know the drill and litany of excuses).  I told him that I didn’t care what his excuses were and that if I were around when he sorted everything out, then I would be there and if not, too bad for him.  He asked me what he should do.  He asked me whether I was asking him to leave his wife.  I said – I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I’m GOING to do.  Then, 4 days later, we’re chatting on Skype, he’s wearing headphones so he can’t hear anything around him, and loudly proclaims that he loves me, misses me and can’t wait to see me.  “Unbeknownst to him” his mother in law is in the hall eavesdropping, tells her daughter that she suspects MM is having an affair and then . . . we’re off to the races.  I told MM as we were driving in the car, that he exploded his life.  He couldn’t be honest with his W then, or the year before, or the year before that and tell her that he wanted to leave, that he was in love with someone else, BUT he didn’t want to lose me and knew that I was preparing to leave him.  So, he swallowed a grenade.  ****Kaboom****  Shit flew everywhere and decisions were made that didn’t involve him.  In his fear at what he had done, he retreated.  And yet, he was never remorseful.  Yes, he wrote that letter.  Yes, he told me we couldn’t speak.  Yes, he “unfriended” me.  Yes, he took my call.  Yes, he called me and called me and emailed me and told me he loves.  Until . . .

Well, here we are today.  I’ve read lots of my cyber friends’ blogs talking about deleting emails, texts, etc., from their x-MM/MW/AP and while I have even given that advice, CAN’T DO IT.  And I read them, re-read them and re-re-read them.  Will someone come to my home and press “delete”?  The worst part is how horrible I feel when I read them.  How stupid I feel.  How used.  And the list goes on.  The worst part is how they conjure up the hurt all over again.  The unanswered questions, the pleading, fighting, suppressed anger.  I’m right there all over again.  Like deja vu.  🙂

So – flash forward to Valentine’s Day.  And yes, I’ve read everyone else’s accounting.  Man, I burn for you all.  My anger is raw, unrestrained for you all.  When will I stop seeing myself as the “OW” but as the girlfriend?  The significant other?  The partner?  And maybe, if I can tolerate it, the wife?

We went to an “intimacy workshop” for couples.  And it wasn’t about sex, but about connecting, becoming and staying more connected.  The class was given by someone ex-MM/BF knows as a Dojo but who is schooled in other far east schoolings and his partner happens to be a tantra goddess.  What he said was without trust you can’t have intimacy.  I froze.  The “exercise” was to look into your partner’s eyes and radiate the feelings of love you have. I leaned over and asked my ex-MM/BF: “Does Sensei know about us? How we met?  How we came to be?  Where you were?  Where you’ve come from?”  And he said:  Yes.  Trust.  So elusive.  A word we all throw around without thinking.  TRUST.  Do I trust him?  That’s HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I re-re-read my old emails between me and MM, the word “trust” comes up all the time.  After d-day, the texts and emails talk about “trust” – specifically – do I trust him to do the right thing by me?  Do I trust that we are ‘meant to be?’; do I trust that our love is strong enough to get over the obstacles that might confront us? 

Funny, that word.  Trust.

I had affairs during my marriage.  Trust.  I needed those affairs because I had a shitty marriage.  I needed those affairs to help me get over the humps of my life.  Some were emotional.  Some were physical.  And some were both.  I had this last affair with MM because I needed HIM.  Trust.  He had an affair.  Trust.  He sent me a no contact letter.  Trust?  And we talked about trusting each other, trusting our feelings, etc.  Trust.  It’s something we always talk about but something that’s so elusive/

MM and I fell in love during the tenure of his marriage.  Trust

He followed the wishes of his “now ex-W” and there was no contact.  Trust

He hurt me.  Trust

I wonder if I can get past it.

We spoke last night.  I’ve been writing this post for days – starting and stopping; reading and re-reading it and my old emails, chats, texts, etc.  It puts me in a horrible mood.  I’m afraid to hit the “delete” button and don’t know why.  And I told him that last night.  What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me.  What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist.  His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it.  I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to.  You’re an adult, I told him, act like one.  If your parents can’t be respectful of you, what is it you hope to get from them?  And if you can’t defend me to them, then I don’t want a relationship with you.  I refuse to be a secret.  And make no mistake, I told him, I wont stick around.

And here we are today.  Trust?

Good-bye 2010. Don’t let the door knob hit you . . .

December 30, 2010

To all of my cyber friends –

While this has been a horrible year for me, and yes, I cried again tonight over all the mistakes I’ve made and all the fears I have for tomorrow  – all the “should haves, could haves, would haves”  – I am thankful for all of you.  You are all my silver lining to my rain cloud.  The past year + 22 days was unimaginable to me in 2009, 2008 and earlier, yet here we all are.  I hope, for all of us, that 2011 will bring some peace, some respite from the pain.  I, for one, know that not being alone has been healing and cathartic.  To find a world out there of people who understand me, my pain and my experience,  selfishly makes me feel better.  I am thankful to you all.  I read your blogs and I know you read mine.  I could not have made it without you, and that’s the truth.

My wish for 2011 for all of US (non-denominationally):

God, grant us the…
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless

Happy New Year to all of my friends.  Without you, I would not have made it and for that, I am thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.

As my father would say:  Good bye 2010, don’t let the door knob hit you, where the good Lord split you.  🙂

–Susan

D-Day + 1

December 10, 2010

D-day + 1. 

366 days later.

365 days ago:

MM went to Florida to “stay” with his parents to think about his bad behavior and how he would feel if he were divorced.  He was punished.  His w punished him when she found out about us.  She punished me when she found out about us. 

I spoke with MM the day after d-day – what should he do, what should he say, what he was telling w about me, about us, about our relationship. 

I told him not to go to Florida.  He went. 

I told him to speak to a lawyer so he would have a realistic idea of what “being divorced” was all about it.  He went to Florida and didn’t call a lawyer. 

He told me the lies he was telling his W about our relationship and asked me, that should she call me again, to corroborate them.  He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer and she didn’t call me again. 

He called me 4 days later and then he didn’t call me again.

He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer; he asked me to lie for him; he disconnected me on Facebook, business networks; he blocked my cell phone & telephone numbers, my ip address from his computer. 

He asked me to be patient.  He told me he missed me. 

He came home; took his w to his company’s holiday party and stayed in the hotel we always stayed at; took his family to Florida in February and fucked his wife for the first time ever; and called me and texted me and told me that he loves me, misses me, needs me. 

He went to marriage counseling; he told me he was trying to reconcile/to fix things at home, to fix things with everyone – but me.

He & his w sent me an email telling me that “I’m sorry I hurt you.  However comma I love my wife and my family.”

He made plans to be with me then took his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 3 days before our meeting. 

He didn’t want to hurt anyone.  He hurt me.

366 days after d-day and MM is getting divorced. 

366 days after d-day MM went to the police to file a complaint against his w for menacing and threatening to hurt him.

366 days after d-day, MM’s w has herpes.

366 days after d-day MM has a new home that he calls “ours.”

366 days after d-day MM and I have spent my birthday together, Thanksgiving together and have planned to spend Christmas and New Year’s together.

366 days after d-day, MM isn’t wearing a wedding band.

366 days after d-day I feel that there are some issues that we still need to address; that there are still questions and unresolved hurt; that I’m still owed some apologies.

366 days after d-day is completely different than I thought it was going to be the day after d-day.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

October 26, 2010

For all the OW out there, what you THINK you want is a fantasy. The reality is not what you want.  It’s always more of the same. 

What we think:  Be a good OW and he will love me more; want to be with me more; will leave his W for me.  The big question is WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS???  It’s not about him!!  It’s about you!!! What do YOU want?  What will make YOU happy?  Who gives a shit about him!!  How do we all come to lose ourselves in the process?  Why do we think what he wants matters???  For goodness sakes ladies, enough of the self pity. 

There are several truths:
1.  Be careful what you wish for

2. Life is long

3.  The grass is NOT always greener on the other side

4.  Be true to yourself, first and foremost.

For all the OW out there in the midst of “no contact” or pining away for their MM – hear me loud and clear –he is human, he is fallible, he is not what you think he is.  All the secrets you kept from him, during the course of your relationship, were kept for a reason – because he couldn’t be there for you.  Not just because he was/is married, but because he is incapable of being there for you.  He is selfish.  He is is egomaniacal.  He is all about himself.  It was not about you.  It was never about you.  It was about him; his needs; his wants; his desires.  And you fulfilled every last one.  Did you ever once let him know what you were REALLY thinking?  REALLY feeling?  What you really want?  Did you get into bed without shaving your legs?  Without brushing your teeth?  Did you take off your make up?  Did you wear your “comfortable” under garments?  Were you ever your REAL self???  Ever?????  If I were a betting woman, I would say, I don’t think so.  Did you lose your temper?  Did you chastise?  Did you NOT apologize????  I doubt it.  I am a very good OW.  I’m a great OW.  I won.  I got my MM to leave his W or maybe his W got him to leave her.  But what you all think and hope for, isn’t the reality of the situation. It is never as good as we imagine it.  Never, ever, ever.

The final truth, take a lesson from your MM:

4. Fantasy is far better than reality.

“Why” is a crooked letter

October 26, 2010

You know how there are times when all you want to do is vent, scream at the top of your lungs, drink a bottle of wine, eat a pint of ice cream, sit in front of the TV but something inside you stops you from doing that.  And you do the responsible thing.  Get up, go to work, make dinner, do laundry, smile, exchange pleasantries.  And you feel like tearing your hair out.  Or ripping his face off.  But you don’t.

I have read a number of posts where the entries have talked about deleting MM’s old emails and how cathartic it was.  I have read them enviously.  I can’t do it.  I couldn’t block his phone and I can’t delete the old emails.  I like to re-read them.  Especially the ones that burn my butt.  I don’t know why.  I have most of our emails from all the pseudonym email addresses.  In the throws of the affair, I used to love to read them over.  The ones telling me how much he loves me, misses me, aches for me.  How I complete him, am his soul mate.  After d-day, and his bullshit no contact email, there were no emails for a while.  I called him towards the end of January to tell him how angry I was that he blocked me on facebook but refused to call him and refused to email him.  If he wanted to speak to me, he could call me.  If he wanted to email me, I would think about responding.   That ended our “no contact” but the pseudonym email addresses persisted.  I didn’t want to call him because I did not want to be portrayed as the crazy OW, and have some sort of restraining order against me.  That wasn’t me.  You don’t want to talk to me, I’m not calling.  That doesn’t mean I wont answer the phone. 

So today, I was looking through some emails.  My favorite is the “However comma I love my wife.”  But then, like a detective, I looked through some more.  The email from him, out of the blue, after we had talked that simply said “IMY”  (I miss you).  The date on that was February 13.  Was that before or after he went to down south with his W and kids to see his parents, while he was “trying to figure everything out” so “we shouldn’t talk that week.”  I found the emails where we talked about making plans to see each other.  Then a few intermittent emails, because he was sick.   Sunday night he writes to tell me that he got a lot of rest over the weekend, but now I know that he went to the Caribbean with his W for her birthday that weekend.  Must be why I got an email at 10:30 am and then not another one until 9:30 pm (when he got home.)   I was able to get angry all over again. 

I saw MM this weekend.  We were talking about funny names.  And he told me that when he was at a resort, he saw someone with a funny name tag.  When I asked him what resort, he said he didn’t want to tell me because I would get angry.  OH HOW RIGHT HE WAS!!!  I told him that I didn’t find anything funny about that time.  That I didn’t want him to raise that fucking weekend trip to me ever again.  That what was “funny” was that he has apologized to everyone but me and that I want a fucking apology.  That what I find “funny” is that he doesn’t ask about who I was dating, seeing, screwing, but that he should rest assured that I wasn’t sitting home, holding my blackberry waiting for it to buzz.  Because, “however comma” I was working on my future. 

Oh, I feel the blood boil, and the anger course through my veins.  Will it ever stop?  I told MM this past weekend, that I need to get it out of my system.  He treated me like I was disposable.  (In fact, I used those very words in an email to him.)  He wrote, in an email, that he was concerned that I shouldn’t hate him for the way he treated me during those months when he was “working on his marriage” and “going to marriage counseling” all the while telling his W that I am his soul mate but telling me that he is in MARRIAGE counseling!!!!  Why else does one go to marriage counseling except to work on their marriage.

Then I found the email where he told me that he told his W, and she agreed, that they should separate.  He was “physically” sick. 

I grew tired of looking at those emails and skipped to the ones that he has since sent me under his real name.  My favorite, as of late, is the 7 page email he sent to his W while in exile immediately after d-day.  I liked reading her email to him, attached to his string of apologies – telling her he loves her, wants her, needs her and their life and how after knowing each other for almost x-teen years he can’t imagine his life without her –  commanding him to write the email (which he obliged her with) and what it should say.  I liked how he referred to our love affair as a “stupid indiscretion” and something he would never do again.  How she yammered on about how he put his marriage at risk by getting involved with another woman, how he jeopardized her health and risked getting STDs, how she was hurt that he told me that he loved me “very much”.   What amazed me as I read (and of course, got angry) was that he never told her to go fuck herself.  He never told her the truth.  He never said to her “You’re right.  I was dishonest with you.  I should have left years ago, but I couldn’t.  Now I’ve met someone else, someone I love deeply, someone I believe is my soul mate.  I’m sorry I hurt YOU, however comma I’m leaving you.”  Why couldn’t he do that?  What was he thinking? 

Why?  Why?  Why?  Will I ever stop asking why?  Will I ever let it go?  Am I capable of letting it go?

When I was a little girl, and I would ask my parents “why”, they would oftentimes give me the non-answer:  “Y is a crooked letter.”  I never understood that it was a diversion, not an answer, never an answer.  Why is a crooked letter.

One last Breath

October 14, 2010

Yesterday I told my MM that I’m not happy.  Specifically, I told him that he isn’t making me happy.  I was so angry that I was seething.  (Ironically, I haven’t been this angry in ages, yet every time I write about him, it is because I’m angry.)  He went to look at apartments today.  While that should be making me happy – so we can finally have a place to be together, and he wont always have to come to my town – it made me angry WHERE he was looking.  We had discussed that we didn’t think it prudent that he and his soon-2B-exW live in the same town, on top of each other.  She will likely have primary custody.  She also said that she is going to stay in the same town where they currently live and the kids will go to the same school(s).  That being said, he lives in an area where there are towns 5, 10, 15 minutes away that are familiar to his kids and close enough but not too close, where getting to/from school/activities will be fine.  He raised this.  Not me.  I agreed.  Today – he’s looking in the same town as his soon-2B-ex.  I flipped.  For the simple reason that this is what he does – says one thing and does something else.  He’s been interviewing for a job that he got that will be 100% commission.  I don’t think he should take it.  For solid, definable, legitimate, well thought out reasons.  He’s taking it.  I told him, that it’s not my life.  He should live where it is most convenient for him, his kids, his W and if it works for me then fine.  And if not, not.

He told me that his realtor told him that his W is close to signing a lease for an apartment/house/condo.  I was shocked.  The house hasn’t been sold and if she moves out she certainly can’t take the kids with her.  And there’s not parenting schedule/agreement.  She’s close and he just started to look.  Defines who and what he is.  Passive.

He told me that he doesn’t think that I’ve been supportive.  I thought my head was going to explode.  I have been the singularly most supportive person of him.  What I told him was that quite the opposite – not only has he not been supportive of me, but he hasn’t been there for me and that he’s selfish.  And that perhaps we shouldn’t see each other anymore.  It knocked the wind out of his sails.  I’m concerned that I said it, that I meant it and that I haven’t felt comfortable with my retraction. 

I was yelling at him – about the fact that while I have no income, he hasn’t paid for anything (and not to sound ridiculous, his unemployment benefits are almost double mine).  He said that he drove 4 hours to see me and that I was angry that he didn’t stay.  I countered that I was angry that he didn’t tell me in advance that he couldn’t stay longer so I would not have changed my plans.  And that the prior time we got together, I drove 4 hours to see him, AND paid for the hotel, despite the fact that I own my home and pay a mortgage.  He paid for dinner.  Who gives a shit.  He asked me to join him and the realtor to look at places and I rejected that out of hand and he never would have done that – he would have joined me.  I told him that in order for me to “join him” I would have to make 2 days worth of child care arrangements, meals, dog-care arrangement and that unlike him, I’m a single mother with no other adult in my home.  I don’t get to go to the gym, even at the ungodly hour of 6:15 am because then there is no one home to wake the kids, get them ready for school, make lunch and take the little one to school.  I don’t get to “go for a run” at 2:00 pm on Saturday when I have my kids (1 of which I have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year as she is completely estranged from her father – not complaining, I love her and would cut out my heart for her, just stating a fact) because they have activities, responsibilities, etc. and if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t happen.  So, “joining him” at 2pm to look at apartments in the middle of the week, doesn’t work.  Of course we went round and round until there was nothing left to say.  Unfortunately, this is a discussion we’ve had in the past and I have no doubt, one that we will have again.  When he apologized, he said:  I guess I’m just a terrible person.  I told him that was a cop-out thing to say.  I added, bitchily, that if that’s the case, he could write me a 10 page apology letter telling me why he’s a terrible person, like he did for his W.  I told him that I didn’t buy it.  He just needed to take off his blinders and stop being so self absorbed.  LOL.  Let’s see the likelihood of that happening.

MM’s W has been incredibly aggressive with their divorce schedule.  She hired expensive lawyers, despite the fact that there are no assets and has spent in excess of $30,000 – almost half of it on her credit card.  A couple of weeks ago her lawyers deposed MM.  Most of the deposition was focused on his relationship with me – how we met, the first time we were together, how often we saw each other, whether he had been with anyone else.  She told him this weekend that she figured since he was under oath, it would be good time to find out the details of his life.  Sounds fairly sick to me.  I have read other blogs about the betrayed spouse learning details of the affair and none of it ends nicely.  To what avail?  Is it going to undo the past?  Is it going to make things as they were before?  Or are you going to replay the stories in your head over and over and over.  I certainly fall into the latter category.  One blogger posted that since the discovery of her husband’s affair she has found herself physically ill.  I can imagine.  And she posts that she and her husband are doing well, reconciling and moving forward with their marriage.  If that were truly the case (and hope for her sake that it is), then why is she sick?  Why can’t she get past it?  Would she have been better off not knowing the details that she does and replaying a silent movie in her head over and over.  We all think that we want to know, but the adage “ignorance is bliss” is true.  What we don’t know can’t hurt us.  I don’t want to know.  I want to know every last detail.  I can’t always reconcile those competing thoughts.

MM confides everything in me.  As I was walking into the supermarket last night, he called to tell me that he had planned to go to his class last night but his W stormed into the house, told him she was going out and then promptly left him with the kids.  Not my problem.  Of course she’s simply confirming for him, that our affair was justified, that he’s moving in the right direction, as long as it is away from her.  I should send her a thank-you note.  Of course I should have sent one years ago.  Being the self centered narcissist that she is, the affair was easy – for all concerned. He could text me 100s of times a day when he was home, because she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  We could travel/go anywhere we wanted and she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  Her husband was absent and she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  And then has the nerve to be the outraged betrayed spouse.  At  what point, if ever, will she take responsiblity for her failed marriage.  The affair was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back; the camel was the dysfunctional, miserable, sexless, selfish marriage.  For as angry as I’ve gotten with MM over the past couple of months, one of the many things that he’s committed to is not recreating his marriage or past relationships.  Having meaningful discussions and arguments, resolving issues and moving on, not letting things fester is something that he’s never donle before.  While new and discomforting, he’s willing to do it.  Fighting, arguing, disagreeing, doesn’t mean that you dont dislike someone or that you don’t love them anymore.  It’s  a revelation to him. 

Amazingly, after d-day, MM’s W was obsessed with whether he wore a condom and getting STDs.  Of course he didn’t wear a condom and STDs was not an issue – for either of us.  That notwithstanding, she insisted on getting tested.  I can’t imagine what she was thinking.  The last time they had sex was October 2008.  The time before that, April 2008.  The time before that – sometime in 2007.  If she caught an STD, it would have manifested well before January or February 2010, unless she were fucking someone else.  In fact, since they’ve decided to divorce, she’s posted “fuck-me” bikini clad photos on match.com and has bed hopped from guy to guy.  It appears that she now has someone who she’s been screwing since June but he’s not the first, the second or even the 3rd. And she likes to sleep over, and return home at 4:00am.   As happily married as she claimed to be (according to MM, the morning of d-day she told her mother that she had never been happier with he life and marriage) she hasn’t spent a minute “mourning” the end of her marriage.  She has been to busy trying to find a “boyfriend.”  Funny thing was she kept telling MM that she was going out with “the girls” and coming home at 4:00 am.  Naively, he assumed that was true.  Her entire life she never had any friends – neither male nor female – and now, all of sudden she has a posse.  And MM was gullible enough to believe her.  In fact, after d-day, she called HIS friends, his parents, his sisters – and told him that was because she didn’t have any friends.  How very pathetic.  And now, given an opportunity to make friends, develop meaningful relationships, she is simply 1000% focused on getting a boyfriend.  MM told me a story that years ago, they lived on cul-de-sac.  Most of the husbands were friends and most of the women were friends.  They would have bbq’s together, take yoga classes, golf, etc.  While MM was included, his W was NEVER included.  He asked her to try to make an effort and so she went to a yoga class with them once.  They never asked her again.  She said that MM wouldn’t understand since it was a “girl thing” and that women for the most part, are bitches.  One of the neighbors that he would run with, every morning, had a 40th birthday party.  EVERYONE on the block was invited except them.  Speaks volumes, doesn’t it?  Meanwhile during their separation, MM has gone to concerts with friends, dinners with friends, drinks with friends as well as spend time with me and my friends and his friends.  How sad and lonely for his soon-2B-ex.

A little ranting, a little raving makes me feel a little better.  Struggling like everyone else to find the right answers, to move forward with my life, not backwards.  And to be happy.  I was reading someone else’s blog this week and he talked about Passion.  Aren’t we all looking for that passion – that special something that lights a fire in you.  I remember telling my older daughter that was what I wanted for her — to find something that she was passionate about, that burned a fire in her, that she craved to do and that fulfilled her.  She has found that something.  Lucky her.

I thought I found it, but now am not sure.

I love this Creed song, One last Breath and it has been playing in my head lately.  Captures some of what I’ve been feeling:

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe

One Last Breath, by Creed.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury . . .

August 30, 2010

It’s been almost 2 months since my last post but I have been thinking about writing for weeks. 

It’s an interesting thing to think about – what happens when MM gets divorced, ends his marriage and winds up with OW.  Is that what she really wanted?  In the harsh light of day, is he really the one that she wants?  If she could go back to the starting board and erase everything, would she pick him again?  Would he pick her?  And what do you do with all that water under the bridge?  With the hurt feelings?  With the betrayal?  With the months of no contact?  With his efforts to reconcile with his W?  When he was more interested in holding on to his life, his wife than to you?  Where losing you was maybe not ideal, but was ultimately bearable?

My MM’s divorce is proceeding.  It feels like it is taking forever.  I have been privy to every little nuance.  I know more than I ever wanted to know.  (Actually, I want to know it all – every single last detail.  What I have come to learn about myself is that there are things I should know, things I should speculate about and things that I should never know.)  Once I know something, I can’t get it out of my mind.  It’s like that absurd instruction the judge gives the jury in those stupid legal-eagle movies:  “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please disregard what the witness just said.”  ARE YOU INSANE?  How can you ever un-hear something?  Un-see something?  Un-feel something?  And what do you do with that knowledge once you have it?

My MM retained a lawyer in May, AFTER his W retained her lawyer.  He thought it would be amicable, that they could reach an agreement as to visitation, equitably/evenly divide their assets and move on.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  Yes, friends, he must be one of the stupidest humans alive.  His W is rip, roaring angry!  She is going to take him to the cleaners and doesn’t care who she hurts along the way.  When they “discussed” their divorce, initially, his W said that it would be lovely if for Christmas we could have a little blended family – her, him, their kids, her mother, me, my kids.  HA HA HA HA.  I had pains in my stomach from laughing.  Not MM.  He thought she was serious.  Dumbass.  So now she’s out to extract a pound of flesh.  The letters fly fast and furious from her lawyer to his about not “dissipating marital assets” on his girlfriend (me), not inviting to me his home when she’s away or she’ll get a restraining order; that he shouldn’t introduce me to his kids (which he hasn’t but which is setting her brain on fire just contemplating it), where he’s thinking of living once the divorce is final and the impact on their parenting arrangement, and the list goes on.  He, meanwhile, is living in their basement, sleeping on the pull-out sofa.  Tonight he was angry.  Why?  Because his W and her mother took the kids shopping and he had marinated chicken to barbecue for dinner tonight for everyone.  Boo fucking hoo.  Why would you be having dinner with your soon-to-be-ex-W and her mother?  How often do you have these lovely “family” dinners?  Does that seem odd to anyone else but me?  When my ex and I agreed to divorce, and had retained lawyers, I don’t think that we “broke bread” together afterwards.  Dumbass.

For all those MM out there who whine about the depreciating value of their homes and why now isn’t a good time to sell or leave their wives for the women that they love (OW), my MM and his W are doing a short sale and that seems to be moving along.  Of course, once the house is sold, he has no where to live.  And I’m a 4 hour drive.  And he doesn’t want to be that far from his kids (who I haven’t met).  Unlike some of my fellow Florence Nightingale OW, I don’t feel the overwhelming need to rescue him.  In fact, what I need is for him to stand on his own 2 feet.  I want a partner.  Not another child.  I want someone who can contribute to my life and make it better.  Not someone who is going to suck me dry.

MM lost his job a couple of months ago and although he’s been looking, his search has been unsuccessful.  (Are all you OW getting more jealous by the second?  😉 )  It would be funny if his W has to pay him support/maintenance until he finds something.  The downside is, that he has no income.  And letters from his W’s lawyer cautioning him about spending marital assets on me.  So, when we are together, I pay.  He is appreciative and talks often about how he will repay me.  I’m resentful.  He’s a drain.  He’s a drag.  He’s an anchor.  (Yes, AO1, I have my own.)  I’ve thought about that often.  I want to be with someone who elevates me, doesn’t suffocate me, contributes and doesn’t always take.  It is hard to run, let alone walk, with this heavy boulder around my ankle.  He talks about taking care of me, about doing things for me.  It is sweet.  It is talk.  Actions speak louder than words.  I have borne witness to his actions and his words over the past 9 months, not to mention the 2 1/2 years before that too.  Words are low on my totem pole of Love Languages.  “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please disregard what the witness just said.”  Even judges find words to be meaningless.

So, I’m floundering a bit these days.  I know that the shit-hit-the-fan with MM and his W because of our affair.  I believe that MM needed to divorce his W years ago, when we first met, and talked about his marriage and mine.  I don’t like thinking that any of this is FOR me or BECAUSE of me.  MM needs to own his behavior, take responsiblity for his actions and decisions, as does his W.  We can’t spend our entire lives being reactive and passive.  Or worse – weak.  There is nothing I abhor more than the weakness.  I have said to MM that he needs to stop seeing himself as a victim and he told me that he sees himself as a villain, the perpetrator of the bad.  WOW!  That seems inconsistent with his whoa-is-me attitude.  The heavy sighing, the depression, the fatigue.  I’m running out of patience.  I have my own problems and issues these days, but never, once did I just sit back and feel put-upon, sorry for myself and completely helpless.  It is exhausting to deal with someone like that.  I don’t know how much more I have in me.  In fact, I’m glad that he lives far away.  The sex is great, but the rest of it . . .   When I was in college the joke was:  A great woman turns into a pizza after a sex.  I like mine with onions and sausage.  🙂

One of the comments from my last post was to put down everything I like/don’t like about MM.

OK, Here’s my list:
What I like about MM:
1. That he looks at me like I’m the most amazing, beautiful, smart, wonderful, sexy, incredible person in the world and there isn’t anything I can’t accomplish when he looks at me like that.

2. Sex

3.  He’s funny, smart, knowledgeable, kind

4.  Sex

What I don’t like about MM:

1.  He’s self-absorbed (Is that temporary or permanent)

2.  He’s sarcastic

3.  He’s needy, weak, spineless, gutless; a passenger in his own life

4.  He lives 200 miles away and his kids have a lot of emotional and learning issues (are they genetic or environmental; will they go away with proper help or are they here to stay)

5.  He’s a creature of habit

What do I do with that list?  What do I do with the thoughts swirling around in my head about them.  Do the good things outweigh the bad things?  Are the bad things insurmountable?  Do I want to live with them?  Would I choose them?  I remember back in November I was ending my relationship with MM and then ****KABOOM**** everything exploded.  I needed answers, closure, my ego in tact.  It was a horrible time.  All of a sudden I found myself  wanting someone that didn’t want me, regardless of how I initially felt.  That part seemed irrelevant.  It was all about my ego.  Now what?  What do I do?  Where do I go?  What do I think? 

Hey, uh huh huh
Hey, uh huh huh

What I like about you, you hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one, wanna come over tonight, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you

What I like about you, you really know how to dance
When you go up, down, jump around, think about true romance, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you (3x)

What I like about you, you keep me warm at night
Never wanna’ let you go, know you make me feel alright, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you (2x)
That’s what I like about you (whispered) (4x)

The Romantics

I’m thinking about having pizza for dinner tonight.

Reminiscing

July 1, 2010

Another year come and gone.  My birthday was 2 weeks ago – Friday.  While not a horrible number (turned 46), I didn’t take it well.  Closer to 50 than to 40, thinking about what I want, where I want to be, where I’m headed, my own mortality.  I don’t know why I took this so badly.  But I did.

MM came to my town for my birthday/for his job.  He’s been very good about doing the traveling so that we can see each other.  He came into town on Thursday late morning and we spent some time together before he had to go to his meetings.  That evening my younger kid was with her father and my older kid had some plans.  We went up to my roof deck in the evening for cocktails and talked about “us.”  What the long term future goals are.  It makes me a little queasy to think about that. 

I sat down the other day and re-read some of my posts.  Wow.  The hurt, the pain, the anger, the betrayal.  The recounting of the conversations, the pseudonym email names, texts.  His inability to call me, talk to me, email me.  His foray into marriage counseling, his no contact – “however comma” – email to me; his w’s marriage wall posts; his trip to the Caribbean for his w’s birthday.  All of it.  And like a horror movie, it all comes flooding back.  How do you get over it?  Do you get over it?  Do you bury it and revisit it at some later point?  I don’t know what you do.  The damage is done.  And it is quite severe.  The trust is broken.  And hard to repair. 

In one of the posts, I recounted that MM told my friend to send his regards to me and when she asked him why he doesn’t tell me himself, he says that he can’t call me and that it’s a long story.  Hmmm, was there a gag over his mouth?  Were his fingers broken so he couldn’t dial the phone?  Was he incarcerated without access to any form of communication?  Can’t???  What the hell did that mean?  That he would be punished for disobeying someone’s (a/k/a his w’s) rules?  And what would that punishment have been?  Yelling?  Fighting?  No more sex?  I’m perplexed when I think about it.  And angry.

“I hurt you and I am sorry.  However comma I love my wife and I love my family. I need to work on repairing the severe damage I have done to my family.  Please respect that.”  I didn’t delete that email.  It wouldn’t matter if I did.  The words are burned into my brain.  However comma.  It still makes me want to choke him.  I don’t care who dictated it.  I don’t care who wrote it.  I care that it came from his email address, to me.  Do I think that he clicked the send button?  I don’t care.  I care that he sanctioned it.  I care that he went to marriage counseling to  . . . do what?  Save his marriage?  End his marriage?  Work on figuring out what happened?  Or to appease his w and go back to the way things were.  I remember back in March, when I was in his town, and we were going to see each other, but his w found and he asked her if she wanted him to cancel meeting me, and she said yes, and so, he cancelled.  I remember him telling me that she wanted him to move away.  To leave the industry that we work in, and to move to another state.

I remember how I felt being disconnected from him on the social networking sites, from his email, cell phone, home phone.  And when I think about that, the pain is there.  Less raw, but still there.

I started this post on June 23 and have picked it up again this evening.  I’m in a bad place tonight.  MM is still getting divorced; still telling me he loves me, still coming to see him.  That is until we spoke today.  MM got fired this past Thursday.  It was nothing he did, per se, just a resurrection of the mess that followed him from his last company (where we worked together.)  Of course I have plenty to say and believe that he is more than partly responsible, but at this point we’ve discussed it a million times, hind sight is 20/20, etc.  He came to see me this past weekend and stayed until Tuesday morning.  He went to see his divorce lawyer today to see what could be done about speeding things up a bit, and discussed the inequity of the fact that he has no “alone” time with the kids as his W is always home, except when she’s out on a date and for him to see me, he has to come to my town.  The lawyer told him that he needs to spend as much time with the kids as possible if he thinks there is going to be any sort of custody fight.  This means that he wont be coming to see me anytime soon.  Which of course, resulted in me being more than a bit angry.  Things are the way they are (he’s living in the basement, his mother-in-law is living in their home without contributing anything financially, and he’s the babysitter when his w is out on dates) because he did nothing!  Because he’s a passenger in his own damn life.  So, as he and I discussed numerous times, both of my kids are away for the next 7-8 weeks, he has no apartment, now no job and we wont see each other until his kids go for a couple of weeks to see his parents in Florida.  And he tells me that he needs to “lay low” since his W is working and essentially supporting him now.  Lay low?!?!?!  Are you that big of an ass?  (That’s a rhetorical question, of course.)  I could barely contain myself.  And the worst part, was we had this conversation about an hour before a hugely important interview that I was going on.  He told me to not be angry, not think about this because he wanted me to have a good interview, blah blah blah.  I told him that it wasn’t his concern what I did or how I handled anything as I had managed, quite successfully, over the past 46 years without him, or his concern.

So – where is all this rambling going.  I don’t know.  I see all of his weaknesses, his inability to decide, his inability to be pro-active, strong, his inability to be affirmative, all magnified 1000x.  He cried the other night – great sobs – over the mess that his life has become — no job, no family, no kids.  And I wanted to smack him.  Your life has been a mess for years.  It is now just overt.  No more sweeping things under the rug; everything is out in the open.  Like his facebook profile picture that his mother made him post – the happy nuclear family – without the adulteress other woman in the photo – everyone smiling happily for the camera.  What a fucking joke.  Except I’m not laughing. 

So as the summer is about to kick off, I held off making plans since MM and I anticipated spending time together.  Again, he has let me down, and like the pathetic OW,  I’m second best.  Still.  I didn’t take care of myself first.  (Anotherother1 – are you paying attention).  Like Florence Nightingale, I’ve been there to comfort MM over the loss of his family (who is that, by the way?  His w?), his job, his kids and yet when both of my kids left, there was no time for me to be sad, because MM was crying.  When my work situation changed dramatically, there was no time to discuss it, because, well . . . it wasn’t about him.  Well – hell no.  This isn’t going to work out.  This isn’t for me.  This is what I feared most.  That all the things I knew about MM were one day going to fall 100% to me.  I used to think, after we would spend a couple of days together on the road, that I was glad that he was going back to his W, that she was going to have deal with his crap and not me.  Now look at how good she has it.  She has the king size bed to herself, since her husband is sleeping in the basement.  Her mother has the guest room.  And whenever she wants to go out and get laid she has her husband at home as the babysitter, since his girlfriend lives in another state and his lawyer said he shouldn’t visit her.  She comes and goes as she pleases, lives in a lovely, big house with a pool.  Her husband loves to vacuum, go food shopping, do laundry and clean the kitchen and take the kids to all of their activities, all the time.

And me?  No plans. . . . . yet.

Friday night it was late
I was walking you home
we got down to the gate
and I was dreaming of the night
would it turn out right
how to tell you girl
I want to build my world around you
tell you that it’s true
I wanna make you understand
I’m talking about a life time plan.
That’s the way it began
we were hand in hand
Glen Miller’s Band was better than before
We yelled and screamed for more
and the porter too
made us dance across the room
it ended it all too soon
and on the way back home
I promised you, you’ll never be alone.
Hurry don’t be late,
I can hardly wait
I said to myself when we’re old
we’ll go dancing in the dark
walking through the park and reminiscing
(Barry Manilow)