Posts Tagged ‘second best’

Time is of the Essence

February 8, 2013

I can’t believe that it is 2013.

Date difference from Dec 9, 2009 to Feb 7, 2013

The total number of days between Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 and Thursday, February 7th, 2013 is1,156 days.

This is equal to exactly 3 years, 1 month, and 29 days.

This does not include the end date, so it’s accurate if you’re measuring your age in days, or the total days between the start and end date.  But if you want the duration of an event that includes both the starting date and the ending date, then it would actually be1,157 days.

1,156 days is equal to 165 weeks and 1 day.

The total time span from 2009-12-09 to 2013-02-07 is 27,744 hours.

This is equivalent to 1,664,640 minutes.

You can also convert 1,156 days to 99,878,400 seconds.

Today is 2/7/2013 and 12/9/2009 is exactly 1156 days before today

D-Day to today.  An eternity.  3 years.  Yesterday.  A lifetime. A blink of an eye.  Life as you know it will never be the same.

And yet –

Life continues.  Just ask 2P, AOW, RBM and me.  3 years.  I can’t believe it.  Our lives have moved into a pattern.  The “high” of the affair is gone and has been replaced by “normalcy.”  We’ve had colds, the flu, lost jobs, gotten new jobs, fought, dealt with his kids, my kids, transitioned a kid to college, to high school, to middle school, through punishments, over-drafts, tax refunds, weight gain, weight loss, P90x, weight watchers, peri-menopause, menopause, his parents, my parents.

And yet –

There is the endless, acrimonious relationship with his ex W and my ex H.  The squabbling over vacation days, after school activities, cheerleading, trumpet lessons, karate, tutors, camp.  It never ends.  But I guess that’s what life is all about.

Or is it.

Sometimes I miss the affair.  The excitement, the passion, the secrecy.  Sometimes I wish I were alone.  Sometimes I wish I were with someone else.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t responsible for another human being when I find it difficult enough to be responsible for myself, my kids and my dog.  Sometimes I wish my life had gone in a different direction.  In fact, often lately I’ve been wishing that.  Yes, I know that wishing doesn’t make it so, but there are days when I feel that’s all I have.   That, and a glass of wine.

Valentine’s day is coming soon.  I hate Valentine’s day with the expectations of love, flowers and chocolate.  Being with that perfect someone.  While xMM/BF and I are together, we still dont’ live together and haven’t been able to do anything about the distance.  This year I’m having a biopsy on February 13, so BF is coming to me on the 12th and leaving the morning of the 14th.  He wasn’t originally going to be with me those days as he has a conference in Florida.  He was supposed to have his kids from the 12th-13th.  But then I made the appointment.  So he started by telling me that my scheduling of the appointment wasn’t very convenient.  Are you kidding me???  Then he said that he would come to me after he took his kids to school (I’m a 3 1/2 hour drive and my appointment is at 8:30am.)  I told him not to come.  I don’t really want him here.  I didn’t ask him to come; I didn’t schedule my appointment for a “mutually convenient time” because I’m only concerned about what fits my schedule for this.  But we were going to be able to spend the 14th together.  Now he would like to go out to dinner on the 13th.  The night perpetually reserved for the OW or OM.  (And not to mention that my biopsy is going to last about 2- 2 1/2 hours in the morning and I may not be in a festive mood, plus I have my kid.)  So I’m a bit unhappy about this.  I know it sounds stupid and petulant but I was the OW for so long that either I celebrate this stupid Hallmark holiday ON THE DAY or I don’t.

BF has a married male friend, married 15 years.  He had an affair several years ago and has been on a dating web site for married people to meet and have an affair.  This friend’s wife had an affair many years ago.  The friend knows but never confronted her.  He’s unhappily married and would like to get a divorce after their kids leave the house.  The day before Thanksgiving, he found some texts on his wife’s phone from another man, and confronted her.  She’s been having an affair.  They’re going to get divorced.  Until they’re not.  Now he’s not sure; now he says, he loves his wife; now he says, those years of sexless living together were stressed induced; now he’s freezing his membership to the online dating site that his wife knows nothing about.  Now, I think he’s a fool.  Worse, my BF/xMM thinks he’s a fool.  REALLY???  Perhaps this is wrong of me, but I don’t think he has a leg to stand on.  He thinks the couple should get divorced – they hate each other and have for years, but the wife’s affair seems to be holding them together.  Until it doesn’t.  But my BF/xMM stayed after HIS affair was discovered, to try and work things out.  I can’t help but ruminate from time to time, what would have happened if his wife hadn’t wanted to push for the divorce.  I think this couple should get a divorce because they both want it, they are both unhappy and have both found happiness outside of their marriage.  Move on already.

Which brings me to my absolute and utter disbelief when I read that another blogger on this site, the first one I read and found comfort, advice, solace, compassion, understanding from, TV Explorer, was getting divorced.  His wife couldn’t take it anymore.  She couldn’t get past the affair no matter what.  WOW!  I was blown away.  I didn’t see that coming at all.  Or maybe, deep down it’s inevitable.  So maybe, even without the now ex W pushing for the divorce, it would have just eventually happened.   And maybe BF would be with someone else instead of me.  Maybe I wouldn’t have waited.  But isn’t that always what a good OW does?  She waits – for the hidden text, the secretive email, the hurried phone call, the last minute plans, celebrating holidays on the day before or the day after because the day of is reserved for the wife.

Happy Day Before Valentine’s Day.

heart

D-Day + 3 +730 days

December 12, 2011

733 Days

= 17592 Hours
= 1055520 Minutes
= 63331200 Seconds

 It has been 2 years and 3 days since my D-Day of December 9, 2009.  I remember every single second of it, like childbirth.  Where I was, what I was doing, the blood pounding in my head and throughout my body, and how time stood still.  It was like a slow motion movie, where life continued on around me, but I was frozen, in my own cocoon.  Part of the picture yet completely removed.  I remember coming across another blogger who had put a clock app on his iPhone (RBM 🙂 ) that showed how much time had elapsed since he had entered the realm of no-contact; and another blogger (AOW) who had a running calendar of days since d-day, no contact, last kiss, etc.  I felt that I was ‘healing’ when I could no longer remember those critical days and the amount of time that had elapsed.  After all, we say that time heals all wounds.  But does it?  Do you ever forget?  I remember asking another blogger (TVExplorer) if you ever really get over it and he simply replied that you think about it less and less.  Not really the answer I was looking for.  And who would have thought that 733 days after my d-day I would have the answer. 

This time of year depresses me.  I think it always had.  The forced joviality, happiness, togetherness.  The expectations put on making everything “just so” with family and friends.  Nothing ever lives up to those expectations or re-adjusted childhood memories.  Does Disney have a license on brainwashing?  I was one of the “lucky ones” that had d-day further ruin my December holiday time.  My xMM’s w called me on 12/9 to share with me her new found knowledge; xMM called me on 12/14 to tell me of his exile and then we silently slipped into no-contact.  Holiday parties, Christmas, xMM’s birthday – all came and went – with no-contact.  And that was 2 years ago. 

What I learned after the fact still hurts me and still makes me angry.  xMM wrote a confessional letter to his w about all of the horrible things he did (me) and how much he loved her, their life, how much he needed her, and would work tirelessly to restore her trust in him; how MM was the one who blocked me from his Facebook page, his cell phone, his home phone, his other social networking sites (but, he would whine, that he didn’t have a choice); how MM was berated over and over, but was “allowed” to return to the loving fold of his w on 12/26, his birthday; the marriage counseling, the trip to the Caribbean, staying in the hotel he and I always stayed in . . . The list seems to go on and on and on. 

Why can’t I let it go?  There are days when I’m fine and I don’t think about anything having to do with the past, and then . . .**THWACK** something reminds me (like Christmas) and the pain, anger and hurt are there again.

This will be our second “outed” December together.  Last year, xMM went to Florida with his kids, to his parents’ house.  I was only allowed to meet them for a quick bite the day before they left.  MM wanted everything to be “just right” and once again, took all of the advice as to how to make that happen from others.  This year, we’re going to spend Christmas and his birthday together – all of us – kids included – at his house.

We had talked about “the tree” this year.  One of the symbols of his married life that haunted me and over which I would obsess.  Did they buy the tree, did they decorate the tree, was it a perfect little family time fit for a Hallmark card all the while he would text me, call me, email me.  This year his children were hurt that their mother (now the x-W) bought a tree without them, but with her new BF.  I spoke to my BF/xMM and offerred to join them for the tree buying, decorating escapade and xMM didn’t say anything to me until this past Friday, that they were going tree shopping on Sunday, which they did.  Needless to say, I was hurt.  I don’t want to speak to him.  So I haven’t.  The fucking tree.  Now I’m going to hate the fucking tree because I’m so good at transferrance.

So 2 years, 0 months and 3 days after D-day, the answer is . . . drumroll, please . . .

What’s love got to do with it?

January 9, 2011

I have been reading blogs and blogging and thinking almost all day.  I’m blue.  Maybe it’s PMS.  Maybe it’s not.  I read this quote and had to (re)post it.  Seems to sum up a lot of what we all feel.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  ~Neil Gaiman

It’s Done – Part 3

January 8, 2011

MM signed his final divorce agreement Wednesday, January 5, 2011.   Another date I can add into the timeline of my past 12 1/2 months.

12/4/09 – the last time MM and I made love

12/9/09 – DD

12/10/09 – MM exiled to Florida

[I subsequently learned: 12/12/09 – MM emailing W and writing letter about what a horrible thing he did (and then sharing it with me, looking for ME to help him out of his own words being used against him during divorce proceedings):

I have committed adultery and carried on an adulterous affair.  I can’t imagine your pain.  I am intensely sorry and I now realize how incredibly horrible I was to do this.  But I am not a loser.  If you sincerely believe that I am a loser and was never a good person, then we should consider ending our marriage.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to try and deal with this with you in order to try and repair our marriage.  While I understand that you need time to deal with your pain and anger, I think that we need to get into counseling as soon as possible if we are going to have a chance to make things right.  I don’t think it is enough to get advice from friends and family members or to just reflect on things ourselves.  Professional counselors have training and experience and have helped plenty of people in our situation.  I would like to come home, find a place to stay, and go to counseling with you as soon as possible.
I hope you will give this some consideration.  I love you and I want to prove to you that you can love and trust me.  I also want to make sure that the kids are shielded from what goes on between you and me.

I hope you mean that I need to prove that I know that I messed up and that I will never do this again.  To prove that I love you and recognize the severity of what I did.  I don’t understand you wanting me to prove that I am worth it.  We have been together for almost 14 years.  This was a horrible thing, but it was isolated and stupid and it will never happen again.  If you don’t see my worth as a person who has made a terrible, selfish mistake, but who is a good person, then there are other problems.  I really think that a counselor could help us with this, and the sooner the better.  I would be willing to come up just for the counseling and leave afterward.

I love you.

12/14/09 – the last time MM and I spoke

[12/14/09 – I since learned of the letter that MM wrote W explaining his “bad behavior” and how it was horrible and selfish and will never happen again.  How he loves his w, how they have a “story book” marriage, how he is so sorry and will spend the rest of his life making up for his affair.]

12/28/09 – the last instant message from MM telling me he missed me and was sorry that he hurt me. 

1/12/10 – the “However comma” no contact email from MM and his W

1/26/10 – We spoke — I called to tell him that he was embarrassing me publicly. 

2/5/10 – or thereabouts – after he asked me to travel with him, took his W;

[I since learned: 2/15/10- went to FL with his W and kids and fucked his w in FL for the first time in 14 years]

3/10 – we agreed to see each other, w found out, forbid it and told him they should leave the state;

3/10 – MM took his W to the Caribbean for her birthday and sent me emails telling me how much sleep he got over the weekend and how he couldn’t wait to see me

3/10 – saw MM midway between his state and mine and it was if no time had passed; he resolved to end his marriage.

4/10 – I told MM that I was done with him finally.  He told me he loved me, when his W came home from her vacation he was leaving her.

4/10 – W came home, they had dinner and she raised divorce and he agreed.

. . . . And they are off to the races.

On January 5, 2010 I eulogized MM in my blog.  It was cathartic.  A year later, MM eulogized his marriage to me.  I went to see him on 1/4 and spent the night.  It was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back.  He had to be in court at 8:30 am.  Papers were signed and the divorce is final.  It will be entered by the court in 3 months.  I couldn’t wait for him to be done as I had to get home to pick up my kids from school.  He commented that ex-W wore skinny jeans and big black boots to court and looked like a “$3 hooker.”  Funny to think about.  He wore a jacket, pants and button down shirt.  I told him that in my opinion it epitomized their differences.  She could finally be who she is as, as could he.

I told one of my dear friends that the divorce was final and he asked me how much longer before I ended the relationship.  I laughed, but the thought has crossed my mind.  Where do we go from here.  There’s a lot of water under the bridge.  And when I try to discuss it, MM says:  I don’t want to talk about that now; I don’t want to think about that now.  He’s a perfect Scarlett O’Hara.  Does that make me Rhett Butler?

(Un)Happy Holidays

December 29, 2010

I hate this time of year.  The forced joviality.  The “what are you doing for Christmas?”  “what are you doing for New Year’s?”  And if you don’t have an answer, you feel like a loser, like shit, like the other woman/other man in an affair.

MM is in Florida with his parents, kids, sister and her family.  He called me this evening  . . . from the garage, because it was allegedly so noisy in the house that he couldn’t hear himself speak.  During our conversation he threw out the garbage for his brother-in-law, told me he was shivering and then had his father come out to tell him that the movie they were planning to watch was going to start.  Hmmmm.  Why wouldn’t his father say, we’re waiting for you, son, to watch the movie, are you going to be much longer on the phone with your girlfriend?  Why wouldn’t he call me from the living room?  The guest room – and close the door?  The den?  Am I forever relegated to being the OTHER WOMAN?  Being talked to in secret???  From the garage????? Been there for 3 years; done that.  Year 4: Fuck him.

I think, as I say good-bye to 2010, there are a lot of decisions that I need to make and nothing more urgent than what I’m going to do with MM.  I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.  I’m sad, lost, confused.  I love him and I hate him at the same time.  I hate myself for loving him.  I hate myself for wanting to be with him.  The worst part for me is that it is undefinable.  Why him?  How did I end up here?  Will the feeling of being the OW ever go away?  Can we ever have a normal relationship?  Will I/he ever be accepted? 

Lots to think about in the New Year.  Lots of decisions to make. 

Hey, I’m not getting any younger and no, Virginia there is no such thing as Santa Claus.  Lies, lies and more lies.

Ho fucking ho, ho, ho.

What’s Worth Fighting For?

December 20, 2010

MM has an interim separation agreement and is working on the first draft of his final divorce agreement.  He had conciliation (like mediation) and court last week and he and his soon-to-be-ex-wife reached an agreement.  I can’t believe it.  A little more than a  year ago, (376 days ago, but who’s counting) as I’ve been blogging, was d-day; 12/14/09 was the last day we spoke until January 21, 2010.  I can’t believe what has transpired in a year.  I can’t believe when I think of that time, it STILL takes my breath away and I can’t breathe.  I still can’t believe the hurt and yet, MM had conciliation on Monday, December 13 and then drove 4 hours to come to see me.  We were together on 12/14 and I thought about where we were last year . . . but I said nothing.

We’ve been talking about Christmas and New Year’s eve.  He has agreed with his w that she would have the kids for Thanksgiving and he would have them for Christmas – starting Christmas eve through the end of the week.  He has asked me to bring my kids to his state for the Christmas.  I’ve waffled about it especially because my kids are tepid to cold on the idea.  He called me Wednesday, after his shrink appointment, to tell me that his therapist thinks it’s not a good idea.  There is certainly a part of me that agrees but I was angry.  We talked about it and I got angrier.  We decided to wait until we were together this past weekend to discuss it further.  He had mentioned, as I previously blogged, that he was considering going to his parents in Florida for either Christmas or New Year’s which engendered some bad feelings from me.  I tried, unsuccessfully to keep them at bay.  The reason:  historically MM, his W and kids would go to Florida from the day after Christmas (which happens to be his birthday) until New Year’s day.  Since 2007 we have emailed, texted, spoke while he was there and I was in my hometown.  Last year, he was “exiled” to Florida – without w or kids for 2 or 3 weeks (we still haven’t talked about what happened, and not sure when/if we will) and yet, he couldn’t/didn’t speak, email or text me while he was there.  I emailed him; I texted him.  My phone was blocked; my emails were blocked.  I want to vomit when I think about that time and how I felt. 

Finally, we are able to be together on his birthday and on New Year’s and he’s talking to me about FLORIDA!!!!!!  He’s telling me that he agrees with his therapist and Christmas isn’t good so he’s going to Florida!!!!  No discussion about his birthday, no discussion about meeting his kids, no discussion about how we’re going to do that.  Oh yeah – he thinks that sometime in January he’s going to bring his kids to my home and stay for the weekend.  That’s how he is going to introduce us.  ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?!  I wanted to slap him.  I wanted to use his head for baseball practice.  I wanted him to leave; to walk away from me; to never see him again.  And for some reason, my brain lacked a filter and I told him that.  I am angry and hurt.  My kids know him.  He stays in my apartment, he’s vacationed with us, he spent Thanksgiving with us and his kids know what about me?  Nothing.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  He said that his therapist said that the kids would feel badly if they saw that he had a relationship with my kids.  I cut him off and told him that he has no relationship with my kids – they know him, they tolerate his presence, they can co-exist but he doesn’t have a “relationship” with either one of them.  It wasn’t nice of me to say, but it is true.  It was also mean and hurtful for me to say it.  He said to me later, in a quiet voice, that he would like to have a relationship with my kids and would I help him develop one.  It broke my heart.  I felt that I had won, but at the price of being vicious and cruel.  Sometimes I don’t know when to stop myself. 

He told me that we only get one chance to make a good impression with his kids and he wants to do it the right way.  I told him, that no matter what he hopes, I have no illusion that between his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her mother, that the kids will not want to be around me, will not respect me and will forever think of me as the reason why their parents got divorced.  I’m the whore, the bad guy, the reason.  I also told him that his reluctance to introduce me or talk to his kids about me, makes me wonder whether he and I are going to have a relationship down the road.  The biggest reason not to introduce someone to your kids (and believe me I researched this up the ying yang) is that they might not be there in 6 months.  Where the hell am I going?  If I stuck around this long, where am I going to be in 6 months or a year from now?  My best friend asked me today if I thought that I was going to marry MM, that there is no doubt in her mind that he wants to marry me, be with me forever, but I have never said the same about him.  Why is that?  Am I scared to do it or do I think that “marriage” and “forever” are best left for fairy tales?  Meeting his kids puts me in the “forever” category.  I get that.  It’s not that I’ve wanted to meet them as much as I’ve wanted MM to ASK me to meet them, to beg me to meet them, to set up a meeting without me nagging.  It’s not the same when you have to ask. 

I know that things haven’t been ideal and now we are here – the holiday season – again.  What I want is to get rid of the bad memories that are plaguing me this time of year.  So many have blogged about the holidays – when you are the “other” you don’t get that time.  Now I’m not the “other,” I’m actually the partner and I still feel like the “other.”  While I don’t think that this is a good time to meet his kids, I want to have been asked.  I wanted him to want me to meet them.  I’m angry or sad that whether he did or didn’t, he said nothing until I pushed him.

I spoke to MM tonight.  He has his kids.  They’re both sick.  His soon-t0-be-ex-wife has enrolled them in an after school program for 2 days a week at an exorbitant cost of over $1000/month.  Now they’re sick.  MM picked them up this afternoon and brought them to his house.  He was whining that the kids are “home sick” and the home is going to be sold in less than a month.  His daughter complained that the tree wasn’t big enough and not as big as the one that “mom got.”  The ornaments are the old ones, and mom got new ones.  So MM is sad. Depressed.  And lucky me, he shares it.  That’s a bit tongue in cheek – I’m glad he shares it but angry that he thinks I can be sympathetic all the time.  It taps me out.  It’s taking its toll on me.  I can’t listen to it all the time.  I don’t want to hear it anymore.  I’m tired.  The fight that we always have is that he sees the glass as half empty and I see it as half full.  You chose how you live your life.  You can choose to be happy or to be sad.  He seems to make a choice that sucks the life out of me.  I’m tired.  Tired of always being on the receiving end of his questioning, his gloom, his sadness.  I want him to call me and say, while today was hard, it was worthwhile; that he’s excited about the future, as difficult as it’s going to be.  As Dr. Kelso (“Scrubs”) said: Nothing worth having is easy.  And as Andrew Carnegie is accredited with saying: Anything in life worth having, is worth working for. 

Where do I fit in?

D-Day + 1

December 10, 2010

D-day + 1. 

366 days later.

365 days ago:

MM went to Florida to “stay” with his parents to think about his bad behavior and how he would feel if he were divorced.  He was punished.  His w punished him when she found out about us.  She punished me when she found out about us. 

I spoke with MM the day after d-day – what should he do, what should he say, what he was telling w about me, about us, about our relationship. 

I told him not to go to Florida.  He went. 

I told him to speak to a lawyer so he would have a realistic idea of what “being divorced” was all about it.  He went to Florida and didn’t call a lawyer. 

He told me the lies he was telling his W about our relationship and asked me, that should she call me again, to corroborate them.  He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer and she didn’t call me again. 

He called me 4 days later and then he didn’t call me again.

He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer; he asked me to lie for him; he disconnected me on Facebook, business networks; he blocked my cell phone & telephone numbers, my ip address from his computer. 

He asked me to be patient.  He told me he missed me. 

He came home; took his w to his company’s holiday party and stayed in the hotel we always stayed at; took his family to Florida in February and fucked his wife for the first time ever; and called me and texted me and told me that he loves me, misses me, needs me. 

He went to marriage counseling; he told me he was trying to reconcile/to fix things at home, to fix things with everyone – but me.

He & his w sent me an email telling me that “I’m sorry I hurt you.  However comma I love my wife and my family.”

He made plans to be with me then took his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 3 days before our meeting. 

He didn’t want to hurt anyone.  He hurt me.

366 days after d-day and MM is getting divorced. 

366 days after d-day MM went to the police to file a complaint against his w for menacing and threatening to hurt him.

366 days after d-day, MM’s w has herpes.

366 days after d-day MM has a new home that he calls “ours.”

366 days after d-day MM and I have spent my birthday together, Thanksgiving together and have planned to spend Christmas and New Year’s together.

366 days after d-day, MM isn’t wearing a wedding band.

366 days after d-day I feel that there are some issues that we still need to address; that there are still questions and unresolved hurt; that I’m still owed some apologies.

366 days after d-day is completely different than I thought it was going to be the day after d-day.

D-Day Revisted or The more things change . . .

December 8, 2010

On December 9, 2009 at 7:06 pm I received the following text: 

“Hi — I know about you and my husband. – Wife”

It feels like yesterday and it has been a year.  A long, miserable, shitty year.  I have gone back,  on the eve of my anniversary to re-read, from the beginning, some of my posts.  The pain was excruciating.  I remember it like it was yesterday and yet it was 364 days ago.  The anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the feeling like a fool, the feeling of being betrayed and not chosen.  After 364 days, our outward labels have changed, but sometimes I feel as if that’s all that has changed. 

Where we were and where we are:

1.  MM & w living “happily ever after” in their lovely 3000 sq. ft. home with in ground pool, mother-in-law, 2 children, dog and all the while MM was 3 years into a love affair – emotionally and physically.

Today:  MM has rented a house.  I helped him settle in this past weekend.  He’s not moving in yet, because his stupid wife filed a motion for temporary support and a visitation schedule while they are still living under the same roof.  The advice he got from everyone (including me) was to stay put until after they have their conciliation/mediation meeting and until after the date for the motion is heard.  There will be nothing to decide at that time.  She’s stupid.

2.  MM’s w was obsessed with the details of our relationship – how often we made love/fucked/had sex; did he wear a condom; how selfish he was to have strayed outside his marriage and put his darling wife at risk for STDs.  So, she got tested for STDs.  The tests of course came back clean.

Today:  MM told me that when his w was at work, he wanted to clear out the remainder of his things from the master bedroom/bathroom and found a prescription that his W had for Valtrax.  I didn’t know what it was and he briefly explained and I looked it up on the internet, that it is for genital herpes.  Uproariously funny!  She has herpes.  Oh, life is rich.  I have a friend who says “the world is round”.  I love that.  Of course, I said to MM, should I go and get tested for STDs.  It was a bit tongue in cheek, but it was a stab at the fact that he was fucking his w in February.

3.  I hadn’t met his kids or the rest of his family

Today:  I still haven’t met his kids.  I still haven’t met the rest of his family.

4.  We didn’t spend the holidays or other important events together.

Today:  MM spent Thanksgiving with me, my kids, my parents.  It was an agreement that he made with his W – she would have them for Thanksgiving this year and he would have them for Christmas – from 12/24 at 10:00 pm through the week.  He invited me and my kids to spend Christmas with him and the following day is his birthday.  We haven’t spent the holiday/birthday together.  I put off seeing a friend from California so that we could be together for Christmas and New Year’s – not the entire week but days/nights during the last 10 days of the year.  MM told me this weekend that he may take his kids to Florida to see his parents during part of that time and then yesterday he asked what would I prefer – Christmas OR New Year’s?  I thought my head was going to explode!  I blew off a friend of mine so that we could be together and he was blowing me off!  I could not have been angrier with myself. 

And then it got better.  How, you must be wondering, could it get any better.  MM told me that w suggested they have Christmas morning together – so that the kids could “come down the stairs” and they could open their presents together – like one-big-happy-family.  While I don’t think that’s a good idea for a million different reasons, he told me that it’s not about him and w but about the kids and Christmas and that if that would make them happy, then he didn’t care if is W was leaving 5 minutes later to “fuck her boyfriend,” he would do this for his kids.  OF course, he was supposed to have his kids, in his new home for Christmas morning.  He had invited me and my kids to join them.  Like a fool, I already mentioned this to my kids.

Then:  Second best. 

Today:  Second best.

Then:  Stupid and self-delusional

Today:  Stupid and self-delusional

Funny how the more things change the more they stay the same.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

October 26, 2010

For all the OW out there, what you THINK you want is a fantasy. The reality is not what you want.  It’s always more of the same. 

What we think:  Be a good OW and he will love me more; want to be with me more; will leave his W for me.  The big question is WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS???  It’s not about him!!  It’s about you!!! What do YOU want?  What will make YOU happy?  Who gives a shit about him!!  How do we all come to lose ourselves in the process?  Why do we think what he wants matters???  For goodness sakes ladies, enough of the self pity. 

There are several truths:
1.  Be careful what you wish for

2. Life is long

3.  The grass is NOT always greener on the other side

4.  Be true to yourself, first and foremost.

For all the OW out there in the midst of “no contact” or pining away for their MM – hear me loud and clear –he is human, he is fallible, he is not what you think he is.  All the secrets you kept from him, during the course of your relationship, were kept for a reason – because he couldn’t be there for you.  Not just because he was/is married, but because he is incapable of being there for you.  He is selfish.  He is is egomaniacal.  He is all about himself.  It was not about you.  It was never about you.  It was about him; his needs; his wants; his desires.  And you fulfilled every last one.  Did you ever once let him know what you were REALLY thinking?  REALLY feeling?  What you really want?  Did you get into bed without shaving your legs?  Without brushing your teeth?  Did you take off your make up?  Did you wear your “comfortable” under garments?  Were you ever your REAL self???  Ever?????  If I were a betting woman, I would say, I don’t think so.  Did you lose your temper?  Did you chastise?  Did you NOT apologize????  I doubt it.  I am a very good OW.  I’m a great OW.  I won.  I got my MM to leave his W or maybe his W got him to leave her.  But what you all think and hope for, isn’t the reality of the situation. It is never as good as we imagine it.  Never, ever, ever.

The final truth, take a lesson from your MM:

4. Fantasy is far better than reality.

“Why” is a crooked letter

October 26, 2010

You know how there are times when all you want to do is vent, scream at the top of your lungs, drink a bottle of wine, eat a pint of ice cream, sit in front of the TV but something inside you stops you from doing that.  And you do the responsible thing.  Get up, go to work, make dinner, do laundry, smile, exchange pleasantries.  And you feel like tearing your hair out.  Or ripping his face off.  But you don’t.

I have read a number of posts where the entries have talked about deleting MM’s old emails and how cathartic it was.  I have read them enviously.  I can’t do it.  I couldn’t block his phone and I can’t delete the old emails.  I like to re-read them.  Especially the ones that burn my butt.  I don’t know why.  I have most of our emails from all the pseudonym email addresses.  In the throws of the affair, I used to love to read them over.  The ones telling me how much he loves me, misses me, aches for me.  How I complete him, am his soul mate.  After d-day, and his bullshit no contact email, there were no emails for a while.  I called him towards the end of January to tell him how angry I was that he blocked me on facebook but refused to call him and refused to email him.  If he wanted to speak to me, he could call me.  If he wanted to email me, I would think about responding.   That ended our “no contact” but the pseudonym email addresses persisted.  I didn’t want to call him because I did not want to be portrayed as the crazy OW, and have some sort of restraining order against me.  That wasn’t me.  You don’t want to talk to me, I’m not calling.  That doesn’t mean I wont answer the phone. 

So today, I was looking through some emails.  My favorite is the “However comma I love my wife.”  But then, like a detective, I looked through some more.  The email from him, out of the blue, after we had talked that simply said “IMY”  (I miss you).  The date on that was February 13.  Was that before or after he went to down south with his W and kids to see his parents, while he was “trying to figure everything out” so “we shouldn’t talk that week.”  I found the emails where we talked about making plans to see each other.  Then a few intermittent emails, because he was sick.   Sunday night he writes to tell me that he got a lot of rest over the weekend, but now I know that he went to the Caribbean with his W for her birthday that weekend.  Must be why I got an email at 10:30 am and then not another one until 9:30 pm (when he got home.)   I was able to get angry all over again. 

I saw MM this weekend.  We were talking about funny names.  And he told me that when he was at a resort, he saw someone with a funny name tag.  When I asked him what resort, he said he didn’t want to tell me because I would get angry.  OH HOW RIGHT HE WAS!!!  I told him that I didn’t find anything funny about that time.  That I didn’t want him to raise that fucking weekend trip to me ever again.  That what was “funny” was that he has apologized to everyone but me and that I want a fucking apology.  That what I find “funny” is that he doesn’t ask about who I was dating, seeing, screwing, but that he should rest assured that I wasn’t sitting home, holding my blackberry waiting for it to buzz.  Because, “however comma” I was working on my future. 

Oh, I feel the blood boil, and the anger course through my veins.  Will it ever stop?  I told MM this past weekend, that I need to get it out of my system.  He treated me like I was disposable.  (In fact, I used those very words in an email to him.)  He wrote, in an email, that he was concerned that I shouldn’t hate him for the way he treated me during those months when he was “working on his marriage” and “going to marriage counseling” all the while telling his W that I am his soul mate but telling me that he is in MARRIAGE counseling!!!!  Why else does one go to marriage counseling except to work on their marriage.

Then I found the email where he told me that he told his W, and she agreed, that they should separate.  He was “physically” sick. 

I grew tired of looking at those emails and skipped to the ones that he has since sent me under his real name.  My favorite, as of late, is the 7 page email he sent to his W while in exile immediately after d-day.  I liked reading her email to him, attached to his string of apologies – telling her he loves her, wants her, needs her and their life and how after knowing each other for almost x-teen years he can’t imagine his life without her –  commanding him to write the email (which he obliged her with) and what it should say.  I liked how he referred to our love affair as a “stupid indiscretion” and something he would never do again.  How she yammered on about how he put his marriage at risk by getting involved with another woman, how he jeopardized her health and risked getting STDs, how she was hurt that he told me that he loved me “very much”.   What amazed me as I read (and of course, got angry) was that he never told her to go fuck herself.  He never told her the truth.  He never said to her “You’re right.  I was dishonest with you.  I should have left years ago, but I couldn’t.  Now I’ve met someone else, someone I love deeply, someone I believe is my soul mate.  I’m sorry I hurt YOU, however comma I’m leaving you.”  Why couldn’t he do that?  What was he thinking? 

Why?  Why?  Why?  Will I ever stop asking why?  Will I ever let it go?  Am I capable of letting it go?

When I was a little girl, and I would ask my parents “why”, they would oftentimes give me the non-answer:  “Y is a crooked letter.”  I never understood that it was a diversion, not an answer, never an answer.  Why is a crooked letter.