Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Life goes on.  We read.  We write.  We’re happy.  We hurt.  And yet, we’re lucky enough to wake up in the morning – no matter the emotional condition.  We agonize over that.  We ache for what could have, should have been, but isn’t or isn’t what we thought, what we wanted, what we imagined.  Be careful what you wish you for.  I no longer have enough fingers to count the number of times I’ve thought it, said it and felt it.

I started this post a month ago, and as I’ve re-read the following, it is relevant today too, so I’ll keep it and add from there.

——————–

So here I am.  3/17/2011.  A year ago today, MM was with his (ex) wife, back from a weekend in Mexico, celebrating her 40th birthday because the spa certificate wasn’t good enough for her and she had posted pictures of her “awesome 40th” on Facebook extolling the great time they had; MM sent me emails during the weekend talking about how much sleep he was getting as he hadn’t been feeling well during the week (liar); MM and I had plans to get together unbeknownst to anyone but us — the first time since 12/4/09 on 3/18/10.  And let’s not forget that he couldn’t see me or speak with me, publicly that is, while he was “working through things.”  It still burns me to think about that.  At what point will I be able to let it go?  Will I ever be able to let it go?  I don’t know the answer to that.

So, a year ago tomorrow, MM and I were meeting at a diner halfway between where he lives and where I live.  He wasn’t wearing his wedding band for the first time ever with me (ah, the fucking ring 😉 ) and despite all the water under the bridge, it felt like no time had passed.  I burned with anger, with passion, with resolve.  I wanted to slap him, kiss him, kill him, make love to him.  The day after our meeting, he told his wife that he wanted to separate.  She agreed.  He felt guilty.  I can relive every second, every feeling, every thought as if it were yesterday.  Yet it a year ago.

Tomorrow, MM/BF is coming to my town and bringing his kids, for the weekend.  Quite the dichotomy.  I was speaking to MM/BF’s son this evening and he asked me when I was going to be his step mother.  He told me that he would like that very much.  He thinks that I’m nice.  That was sweet.  I told him that I think he’s nice too.  I can’t answer his question.

————————-

MM/BF has been having panic attacks lately.  About money, life, stress, work, etc.  Bad enough that when he was here, the attack was so bad that we went to the emergency room of a local hospital.  Nothing like sitting in a psych ward on a Sunday.  He walked out with a couple of prescriptions and with a warning to see his doctor. 

Yes, the stress of the past year has gotten to him.  In fact, the stress of the past 45 years has finally caught up with him.  No big surprise.  I confess that I find it difficult to garner sympathy for someone having a panic attack.  Why can’t you just “psych yourself out of it?”  I know that’s not possible, but I wonder about it none the less.

The stress:  about getting fired, getting caught, getting hired, getting fired, getting divorced.  Boo hoo.  I’ve been under a lot of stress too and haven’t had panic attacks.  Why not?  Where do they come from?  Why can’t he control them?  Why do I always have to be the strong one?  Why do I have to take care of everything?

MM/BF came to my town, with his kids, for most of their spring break.  I got to see first hand, for an extended period of time, how he deals with life.  Quite interesting to say the least.  I was the one that disciplined his kids; I was the one that made the daily decisions – what to do, where to go, what to eat, when to bathe, etc., etc.  As for his kids – MM/BF and I had a long, painful conversation.  What I said to him was – you moved out in December 2010, your kids did not become this way in 4 months.  You had 11 years in the same house with them and your now ex-w.  Where were you as a father?  Where were you as a parent?  What were you doing?  What were you thinking about?  It wasn’t a good conversation.  He cried.  I didn’t comfort him.  We all live with the choices and decisions we make.  Luckily with children, every day is a chance to change and make a difference.  Why didn’t it bother him that he didn’t have a co-parent or a partner to help him parent?  Why did he completely abdicate control?  If your wife was spanking the kids and you didn’t approve, why did you allow it to happen, no matter how often or infrequently?  Why didn’t you stop her?  Why did you just shrug your shoulders and look the other way?  Parenting is hard work and while rewarding, isn’t always fun.  You don’t get to be “uncle daddy” and think that everything is going to be okay.

I sat his kids down, with my younger kid as there was some fighting going on.  We had a “talk it out” that I conducted in a fairly strict or rigid way – giving everyone a chance to speak, to not speak over the other person and for all of us to come up with a solution.  It was successful. 

MM/BF told his shrink that he had spent his adult life and his parenting life married to someone who was not an adult, someone who could never have controlled the situation and done what I had done.  Enough bashing of the ex-w.  What I want to know is — where was he?  What was he doing? 

I don’t want to be a parent to his kids.  It’s exhausting enough parenting my own as a single mother.  It’s hard enough stressing out about work (or lack thereof), my ex’s bad behavior, unemployment without worrying about him.  I’m tired.

MM/BF and I are in the same niche industry.  He recently applied for a job that I would have liked to apply for.  I gratuitously told him to go ahead, even though he has a job and I don’t.  Without thinking about how this would really effect me, he went ahead and applied.  I have vacillated about submitting my own application.  I spoke to him about it and he told me to apply and that he didn’t mind.  I don’t see a good outcome out of that application.  In fact, the only positive outcome I see is for him not to get the job.  If we both applied and I got it, he would resent me; if he got, I would resent him.  If I don’t apply and he gets it, I will forever wonder – what if.  It’s not a good position to be in.  I’m losing sleep over it.  What if? 

Would have, should have, could have. 

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Bat out of Hell

I’m exhausted.  It has been a long week.  A long couple of weeks.  I’m stressed out about finding work and earning a living.  My job has been eliminated and now I’m facing working as 100% commission driven or finding another employee/employer job.  I’ve been networking, setting up meetings, sending out my resume, posting for jobs, calling people.  I’m not sleeping so well.  I’m eating, for the first time ever, from nerves.  My exercise routine is off.  I’m not making or returning social calls and am a bit freaked out.  Not to mention that the kids are back in school and we have yet to find a comfortable routine.  My ex is delinquent and refusing to meet his child support obligations for no reason but spite.  The list is endless.  Like my stress.

MM is still unemployed.  MM is still living at home with his W, MIL and kids.  The sale of MM’s house is still pending bank approval.  MM is in the same position today as he was in April.  6 months have come and gone.  And he’s still no where.  I want to scream at him, I want to hold him, I want to cut him loose, I want to be with him.  One of my comments mentioned that what we all seek is clarity.  True.

It is also true that what I seek is action.  I hate the purgatory.  Isn’t that the problem with no contact?  What is he thinking?  And we all answer that in whatever way suits us best.  How could his W take him back?  Again, we answer that in ways that please us.  But it is all speculation.  There is nothing definitive.  Will he call?  Should I call?  Should I delete the old emails?  Should I block his number?  Did he block my number?  What if I move on and then he wants to be with me?  What if I wait for him and he never leaves his W for me?  It is the inaction that kills me.  It is the lack of answers that eats at my very being.  It is the lack of definite movement in any direction that galls me.  And what I hate is the indecision it causes in me. 

I’m focused on the end game – what I want, where I want to be.  Weakness, as I have so often said, is not an option in my life.  It is insufferable.  My older daughter said to me the other day the reason she doesn’t like MM is that he doesn’t ever seem to do anything to help himself; that he waits for me to fix everything for him.  She wonders why, if I can be strong and take care of things that I do, why can’t he.  I was driving my younger child to a friend’s house last weekend.  She was listening to her ipod and I was on the phone with MM.  I thought she wasn’t listening (which was a pretty good bet since both earphones were in and I could hear the music through them).  When I was done she said that she knew I was talking to MM because I talk to him like he’s a child – explaining things to him, giving him advice, helping with all the issues in his life.  She said that I have children and he’s not one of them.  Out of the mouth of babes.  She’s right.

MM was deposed a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently there weren’t any questions that were out of bounds.  Everything was fair game.  From what does he say when he hangs up the phone with me (“I love you”), to the first time we had sex (in a hotel on a business trip, after a couple of drinks), to whether we have a connection (which he said we do), to whether he and his W have a “story book marriage” (a lie, he said, written to appease her and to get back into the house to see his kids.  Yeah, a horror story book).  It seemed ridiculous and a waste of money.  The only thing that was solved was his W’s curiosity about me, about him, about “us.”

So, his W is dating.  She seems to be a serial monogomist.  It is her 3rd serious boyfriend since they decided to get divorced.  Funny that she was so allegedly concerned about MM giving her STD’s from sleeping with me and yet she has been attempting to fuck her way to happiness.  She spends all of her energy trying to go out and be with her current beau.  How do I know all this?  Because he emailed MM about getting phone calls from a blocked number.  Neither MM nor I would have called this person, nor did we know he existed.  Of course the email unleashed an investigation by MM and after looking at cell phone bills, saw the existence of his W’s serial monogamy.  Good for her.  She’s happy.  Fucking a different guy every couple of months.  And spending tens of thousands of dollars asking MM about me.  Yeah.  Happy.  Not.

I’m angry too.  I’m angry that MM tells me what his W is doing, where she’s going, what she says, what his MIL is doing, saying and how she’s behaving.  MM and his W don’t have a parenting agreement in place, because they are living in the same house.  He’s afraid that every time he’s not with his kids a/k/a – being with me – that he’s going to get less and less time with his kids when the divorce is final.  The reality is that he’s going to get every other weekend and 1 night during the week.  Maybe 2.  Maybe not.  Then they are going to split vacations, holidays, etc.  Get the fuck over it!!!  MM has been unemployed since mid-June and spends 7 days a week with his kids, unless he’s with me.  He doesn’t go out with friends, unless I encourage him.  And now that the school year is underway, and while he’s unemployed, he has decided that it is best for him that he come to my town during the week.  Well, that isn’t exactly what is best for me.  And what I hear is that: (1)  W went out tonight and had so much perfume on that the house still smells of it hours later. (2) W has a business meeting 20  minutes from home and is going to stay at a hotel since the morning meetings start early – of course she’s going to be with her boyfriend. (3) W spent $150 on Zappos, $140 at TJ Maxx, $200 at Target and we don’t have enough money to pay the mortgage.  (4) W says she’s going to the supermarket yet is gone for hours – obviously she’s with her boyfriend.  And on and on and on.  I erupted and told him that I don’t care.  That I’m not interested.  That I don’t want to know.  That he should find someone else to talk to about his W.  I’m not the right person for it.  I didn’t share the gory details of my divorce with MM.  It wasn’t his business.  I don’t want to know the details about his divorce.  I want him to move out to the house.  I want him to have a parenting agreement in place.  I’m getting to the end of my rope.  I would prefer to not be with him while this is going on than live through it anymore.  I don’t have any spare energy to fix his problems anymore.  I don’t want to do it.  I can’t afford it – emotionally, financially, time-wise.

I can’t make any more decisions.  I’m tired.  I would like to be in a relationship with someone that lives in my town, but I like not being constrained all the time.  I’m jealous that his W has a boyfriend that lives 15-30 minutes away and that MM and I live 4 hours from each other.  I’m angry that he’s not working, that he’s not making any money, that he can’t take care of me, that he’s so needy, that he’s self-centered. 

I’m angry with myself that I broke no-contact.  I’m angry that I didn’t follow my gut and let this relationship die the death it needed to.  I’m angry that I love him and want to be with him.  I’m angry that I can’t let the past go, that I replay in my mind the hurt he caused me from December through March, the trips he took with W to prove to her that I wasn’t important to him or that she was. I’m angry that I have no interest in being monogamous.  I’m angry that I took the easy way out.  For all of the OW who think that no-contact is cruel, it is the best thing for you.  Embrace it and move on with your lives.  If it were meant to be, it would have been.  Take control of your lives.  Your future is yours for the taking. 

Here’s your chance:  Fly be free.  Or run like a bat out of hell!!!!!  You’re lucky and don’t even know it.

Oh Baby, you’re the only thing in this whole world
That’s pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
There’s always gonna be some light
But I gotta get out
I gotta break it out now
Before the final crack of dawn
So we gotta make the most of our one night together
When it’s over you know
We’ll both be so alone

Like a bat out of hell
I’ll be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone when the morning comes
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And moonlight’s shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you

I’m gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver black phantom bike
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry
And we’re all about to see the light
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole
Everything is stunted and lost
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing’s ever worth the cost

And I know that I’m damned if I never get out
And maybe I’m damned if I do
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I’d rather be damned with you
Well, If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night with you
. . .

Like a bat out of hell
I’ll be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone when the morning comes
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And moonlight’s shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you

“Bat out of Hell” by Meatloaf

Easy bake Oven

I’ve had a lot to say lately.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading, commenting, thinking and writing.  The blogging community has been very good to me.  It has been a place to publicly vent, to display, solicit and begin to heal.  I have found it to be immeasurably comforting.

I don’t know why, 4 months after MM told me he was getting divorced, 4 months after he came to my town and slept over in my home, in my bed, 4 months after he was able to be with me publicly, 4 months after he started telling people that he was getting divorced, that I’ve been all consumed with the posts, with the bloggers and with writing.  I wonder, subconsciously, what’s going on with me. 

I struggle with how I got to be where I am on September 4, 2010.  Where was I on September 4, 2009?  2008?  Seems a bit blurry.  And did I ever, for a moment, think that THIS is where I would be?  Not in a million years.

I’m frustrated, sad, angry, frightened.  I think about words like “love,” “soul mate,” “other woman,” “married man,”  “discovery day,”  “no contact” and the list is endless.  Worse, sometimes is that it is all-consuming.  I don’t understand how the affair can take up so much of my time.  It’s like damned sink-hole or bottomless abyss.  And yet – my life is so substantially different on September 4, 2010 than it was on September 4, 2009.  And I’m not always sure it is for the better. 

I don’t know what it is that I’m seeking from the other bloggers, the other opinions, the other players in this shitty triangle.  Some small way to move on with my life.  Believe it or not, I envy those who have been able to withstand “no contact” until contact becomes a memory.  I envy those who have committed to their spouses, post affair, and are able to close the door to the life they had or could have had with their “other.”  I feel like I am in limbo – neither the girlfriend or the OW.  I liked being the OW.  It defined our relationship.  There were not expectations.  He had his W at the end of the day, and whatever I did or who I did it with, was never MM’s business.  I had a life that didn’t include him, that didn’t revolve around whether he could come to see me, what time he would leave and whether or not I should make plans.  UGH!  I hate that part of me.  The part that wants to see him at all cost.  The part that refuses to make plans “just in case” he is free.  For goodness sake, be  with me or not.  Commit to me or don’t.  Spend real time with me or go fuck yourself.  Simple.  Easy.  Not.

I got an email from a friend of mine telling me that she has a nice guy to fix me up with.  My best friend has a guy that she wants to introduce me to.  I have a great guy in my own town that wants to see me, that I keep turning away.  For what?  Would I have done that a year ago?  6 months ago?  Or 269 days ago? 8 months and 26 days ago?  6,456 hours ago?  387,360 minutes ago? Or 23,241,600 seconds ago?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love

Seasons of love. Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out,
Tho’ the story never ends
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!

Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love.

“Seasons of Love,” Rent the Musical, music and lyrics by Jonathan Larson.

When I was a little girl I had an Easy Bake Oven.  I remember how neat it was to make the mini cakes, pies, cookies, etc.  It cooked under a lightbulb.  (Wasn’t my mother concerned with salmonella?)  I don’t remember them tasting great, but the idea of them was huge and wonderful.  When my children were old enough I got an Easy Bake Oven for them.  We baked those min cakes.  And you know what? 

 They tasted like shit.

Venting & Gremlins

I need to vent or I’m never going to be able to quiet the gremlins in my head.

For the past 3 years, the last 2 weeks of August I have vacationed with my children and my best friend and her family at a national park.  This year MM joined us.  Without his children.  I’m not allowed to meet them.  Which has made me angry beyond all compare and then secretly relieved.  I invited him for a week.  But he came for both.  I couldn’t bring myself to tell him not to come.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  It was horrible.  Long story short – he has been so uncomfortable in his own skin, with the discovery of our affair, the divorce, losing his job – that he’s difficult to be around.  I wanted to have some “alone” time with my kids and with my friend but MM didn’t see that we needed that.  It was a lot.  Too much time.  It would have been better if it had been just me and him.  It was too big of an indoctrination.  More than I wanted or was able to tolerate.  Funny thing – he would tell you that he had a great time.  How wonderful we were, how lovely my friends were, how gracious my children.  Yet every time he was not around, all anyone did was complain.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t wait to get home.  I couldn’t wait for everyone to go their separate ways.

It has now been more than a week since we’ve been back at our respective homes.  This past week my current job came to end; the job I was interviewing for and, according to the head hunter, was going to get since they were doing my background check (a costly undertaking), went to someone else (gotta love “the good ‘ole boys network”) and I had to study for and take state licensing exams so I can start my next career as a commission broker in the financial services business – 100% draw against commission, or as I like to say – incurring debt, rather than making money.  I’m actually thinking of applying for unemployment until I make some money, but my hands are tied while I wait for my home equity line of credit to come through.  Don’t you just wish you were me?  Ha ha ha ha ha ha.   (Thankfully I passed the tests!)  So, as the holiday weekend approaches, I have talked to MM about getting together.  No, he still doesn’t have a job.  No, he still doesn’t have his own apartment.  Yes, he’s still living under the same roof as his wife and mother-in-law; yes, he’s still eating dinner as a loving, nuclear family;  yes, they are all driving in the same car to see their kid’s sports games; yes, he’s still upset when he marinates the chicken and his wife took the kids to the mall to go shopping without telling him.  I took my pre-test yesterday, but he didn’t have time to talk to me because his lawyer forwarded on his wife’s lawyer’s counter-proposal to his settlement proposal.  Yeah, no time to say – how are you doing?  How are things going for you?  Are you freaked out about not having a job?  Are you stressed out about not having an income?  Today, although scheduled to take the state licensing exam next week, I went today as a “walk-in” and was able to take the test.  Although I told him earlier today, he never wished me luck and called me 3 times and texted me asking me where I was.  When I finally spoke to him, after 5:15, the first thing he asked me was where I had been all day.  I couldn’t believe it!  Dumbass!  I was fuming.  Of course, that engendered a dozen texts:  I miss you; I love you; I ache for you:  I wish we were together;  I knew you would pass the test;  I can’t wait to talk to you later; blah blah fucking blah! 

When we spoke this afternoon, I told him that I needed to know what his intentions were for the weekend since I didn’t have my kids on Saturday night and if he wasn’t coming to see me,  I would make plans.  When we finally spoke this evening he said, that he could stay over Sunday night.  I went ballistic!  I told him not to come.  He told me that he was going to spend Saturday night with his kids, he wants to give them some stability and spend as much time as possible with them and that I shouldn’t ask him to pick between me and his kids.  I told him not to come.  Don’t show up at 5pm Sunday evening and leave at 10:00 am Monday morning.  Go fuck someone else.  Be with me affirmatively or don’t be with me at all.  I’m not a convenience.  You want to be with your kids, be with your kids.  There is nothing stable about your life or their lives at this point.  What you are doing by eating dinner together is lying to them; by driving in the same car and pretending to be a nuclear family is lying to them.  You are not a nuclear family.  Things are radically different and are going to get even more different!  Unless you are a nuclear family.  Are you??????  I told him that I”m not a booty call.  Be with me or don’t be with me.  Spend time with me or don’t, but don’t fucking dare come to see me AFTER everything else – after you go for your run, after your W goes for her run, after you take you kid to whatever activity, after you lift weights, after you take your other kid for a haircut . . . etc., etc.  I’m not an after thought.  Period.  End of story. 

And it gets more incredible.  He told me that I didn’t understand what he was going through.  OH REALLY?!?!?!?!  I went through a divorce that lasted almost 3 years and depleted my entire savings account.  In fact, my matrimonial attorneys sued me for the remainder of my legal fees (after paying more than I paid for my HOME to them!!!!)  And my ex-husband is insane and a drug addict and an abuser, to boot.  I lost my job too.  I have no income.  I am the sole supporter of my family and now am facing unemployment.  Oh really.  I don’t know what you’re going through? I’m so fucking sorry for you pathetic little life.  He couldn’t even remember to call me to wish me luck on my test today and actually called and sent me texts asking me where I was?!?!?!  When I asked, the other night how one of his kids did at a sports event, he told me had posted pictures on Facebook.  That was his fucking answer!  Are you kidding???  Are you serious???? I remember to ask about your kid, but you couldn’t remember to wish me luck because even though I told you where I was going, you couldn’t remember, because . . . . why?  It wasn’t important to you?  It isn’t your life? 

Ooooooooh, it feels good to vent.  I’m so angry I could scream.  So, after he told me that he doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t want to engage, that I can’t see where he’s coming from, I told him not to come to see me this weekend.  If my plans changed, I would let him know.  But the gremlins are marching through my head.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Maybe they’ll come and visit me this weekend.

Anyone else free this weekend?

 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury . . .

It’s been almost 2 months since my last post but I have been thinking about writing for weeks. 

It’s an interesting thing to think about – what happens when MM gets divorced, ends his marriage and winds up with OW.  Is that what she really wanted?  In the harsh light of day, is he really the one that she wants?  If she could go back to the starting board and erase everything, would she pick him again?  Would he pick her?  And what do you do with all that water under the bridge?  With the hurt feelings?  With the betrayal?  With the months of no contact?  With his efforts to reconcile with his W?  When he was more interested in holding on to his life, his wife than to you?  Where losing you was maybe not ideal, but was ultimately bearable?

My MM’s divorce is proceeding.  It feels like it is taking forever.  I have been privy to every little nuance.  I know more than I ever wanted to know.  (Actually, I want to know it all – every single last detail.  What I have come to learn about myself is that there are things I should know, things I should speculate about and things that I should never know.)  Once I know something, I can’t get it out of my mind.  It’s like that absurd instruction the judge gives the jury in those stupid legal-eagle movies:  “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please disregard what the witness just said.”  ARE YOU INSANE?  How can you ever un-hear something?  Un-see something?  Un-feel something?  And what do you do with that knowledge once you have it?

My MM retained a lawyer in May, AFTER his W retained her lawyer.  He thought it would be amicable, that they could reach an agreement as to visitation, equitably/evenly divide their assets and move on.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  Yes, friends, he must be one of the stupidest humans alive.  His W is rip, roaring angry!  She is going to take him to the cleaners and doesn’t care who she hurts along the way.  When they “discussed” their divorce, initially, his W said that it would be lovely if for Christmas we could have a little blended family – her, him, their kids, her mother, me, my kids.  HA HA HA HA.  I had pains in my stomach from laughing.  Not MM.  He thought she was serious.  Dumbass.  So now she’s out to extract a pound of flesh.  The letters fly fast and furious from her lawyer to his about not “dissipating marital assets” on his girlfriend (me), not inviting to me his home when she’s away or she’ll get a restraining order; that he shouldn’t introduce me to his kids (which he hasn’t but which is setting her brain on fire just contemplating it), where he’s thinking of living once the divorce is final and the impact on their parenting arrangement, and the list goes on.  He, meanwhile, is living in their basement, sleeping on the pull-out sofa.  Tonight he was angry.  Why?  Because his W and her mother took the kids shopping and he had marinated chicken to barbecue for dinner tonight for everyone.  Boo fucking hoo.  Why would you be having dinner with your soon-to-be-ex-W and her mother?  How often do you have these lovely “family” dinners?  Does that seem odd to anyone else but me?  When my ex and I agreed to divorce, and had retained lawyers, I don’t think that we “broke bread” together afterwards.  Dumbass.

For all those MM out there who whine about the depreciating value of their homes and why now isn’t a good time to sell or leave their wives for the women that they love (OW), my MM and his W are doing a short sale and that seems to be moving along.  Of course, once the house is sold, he has no where to live.  And I’m a 4 hour drive.  And he doesn’t want to be that far from his kids (who I haven’t met).  Unlike some of my fellow Florence Nightingale OW, I don’t feel the overwhelming need to rescue him.  In fact, what I need is for him to stand on his own 2 feet.  I want a partner.  Not another child.  I want someone who can contribute to my life and make it better.  Not someone who is going to suck me dry.

MM lost his job a couple of months ago and although he’s been looking, his search has been unsuccessful.  (Are all you OW getting more jealous by the second?  😉 )  It would be funny if his W has to pay him support/maintenance until he finds something.  The downside is, that he has no income.  And letters from his W’s lawyer cautioning him about spending marital assets on me.  So, when we are together, I pay.  He is appreciative and talks often about how he will repay me.  I’m resentful.  He’s a drain.  He’s a drag.  He’s an anchor.  (Yes, AO1, I have my own.)  I’ve thought about that often.  I want to be with someone who elevates me, doesn’t suffocate me, contributes and doesn’t always take.  It is hard to run, let alone walk, with this heavy boulder around my ankle.  He talks about taking care of me, about doing things for me.  It is sweet.  It is talk.  Actions speak louder than words.  I have borne witness to his actions and his words over the past 9 months, not to mention the 2 1/2 years before that too.  Words are low on my totem pole of Love Languages.  “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please disregard what the witness just said.”  Even judges find words to be meaningless.

So, I’m floundering a bit these days.  I know that the shit-hit-the-fan with MM and his W because of our affair.  I believe that MM needed to divorce his W years ago, when we first met, and talked about his marriage and mine.  I don’t like thinking that any of this is FOR me or BECAUSE of me.  MM needs to own his behavior, take responsiblity for his actions and decisions, as does his W.  We can’t spend our entire lives being reactive and passive.  Or worse – weak.  There is nothing I abhor more than the weakness.  I have said to MM that he needs to stop seeing himself as a victim and he told me that he sees himself as a villain, the perpetrator of the bad.  WOW!  That seems inconsistent with his whoa-is-me attitude.  The heavy sighing, the depression, the fatigue.  I’m running out of patience.  I have my own problems and issues these days, but never, once did I just sit back and feel put-upon, sorry for myself and completely helpless.  It is exhausting to deal with someone like that.  I don’t know how much more I have in me.  In fact, I’m glad that he lives far away.  The sex is great, but the rest of it . . .   When I was in college the joke was:  A great woman turns into a pizza after a sex.  I like mine with onions and sausage.  🙂

One of the comments from my last post was to put down everything I like/don’t like about MM.

OK, Here’s my list:
What I like about MM:
1. That he looks at me like I’m the most amazing, beautiful, smart, wonderful, sexy, incredible person in the world and there isn’t anything I can’t accomplish when he looks at me like that.

2. Sex

3.  He’s funny, smart, knowledgeable, kind

4.  Sex

What I don’t like about MM:

1.  He’s self-absorbed (Is that temporary or permanent)

2.  He’s sarcastic

3.  He’s needy, weak, spineless, gutless; a passenger in his own life

4.  He lives 200 miles away and his kids have a lot of emotional and learning issues (are they genetic or environmental; will they go away with proper help or are they here to stay)

5.  He’s a creature of habit

What do I do with that list?  What do I do with the thoughts swirling around in my head about them.  Do the good things outweigh the bad things?  Are the bad things insurmountable?  Do I want to live with them?  Would I choose them?  I remember back in November I was ending my relationship with MM and then ****KABOOM**** everything exploded.  I needed answers, closure, my ego in tact.  It was a horrible time.  All of a sudden I found myself  wanting someone that didn’t want me, regardless of how I initially felt.  That part seemed irrelevant.  It was all about my ego.  Now what?  What do I do?  Where do I go?  What do I think? 

Hey, uh huh huh
Hey, uh huh huh

What I like about you, you hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one, wanna come over tonight, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you

What I like about you, you really know how to dance
When you go up, down, jump around, think about true romance, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you (3x)

What I like about you, you keep me warm at night
Never wanna’ let you go, know you make me feel alright, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you (2x)
That’s what I like about you (whispered) (4x)

The Romantics

I’m thinking about having pizza for dinner tonight.

Reminiscing

Another year come and gone.  My birthday was 2 weeks ago – Friday.  While not a horrible number (turned 46), I didn’t take it well.  Closer to 50 than to 40, thinking about what I want, where I want to be, where I’m headed, my own mortality.  I don’t know why I took this so badly.  But I did.

MM came to my town for my birthday/for his job.  He’s been very good about doing the traveling so that we can see each other.  He came into town on Thursday late morning and we spent some time together before he had to go to his meetings.  That evening my younger kid was with her father and my older kid had some plans.  We went up to my roof deck in the evening for cocktails and talked about “us.”  What the long term future goals are.  It makes me a little queasy to think about that. 

I sat down the other day and re-read some of my posts.  Wow.  The hurt, the pain, the anger, the betrayal.  The recounting of the conversations, the pseudonym email names, texts.  His inability to call me, talk to me, email me.  His foray into marriage counseling, his no contact – “however comma” – email to me; his w’s marriage wall posts; his trip to the Caribbean for his w’s birthday.  All of it.  And like a horror movie, it all comes flooding back.  How do you get over it?  Do you get over it?  Do you bury it and revisit it at some later point?  I don’t know what you do.  The damage is done.  And it is quite severe.  The trust is broken.  And hard to repair. 

In one of the posts, I recounted that MM told my friend to send his regards to me and when she asked him why he doesn’t tell me himself, he says that he can’t call me and that it’s a long story.  Hmmm, was there a gag over his mouth?  Were his fingers broken so he couldn’t dial the phone?  Was he incarcerated without access to any form of communication?  Can’t???  What the hell did that mean?  That he would be punished for disobeying someone’s (a/k/a his w’s) rules?  And what would that punishment have been?  Yelling?  Fighting?  No more sex?  I’m perplexed when I think about it.  And angry.

“I hurt you and I am sorry.  However comma I love my wife and I love my family. I need to work on repairing the severe damage I have done to my family.  Please respect that.”  I didn’t delete that email.  It wouldn’t matter if I did.  The words are burned into my brain.  However comma.  It still makes me want to choke him.  I don’t care who dictated it.  I don’t care who wrote it.  I care that it came from his email address, to me.  Do I think that he clicked the send button?  I don’t care.  I care that he sanctioned it.  I care that he went to marriage counseling to  . . . do what?  Save his marriage?  End his marriage?  Work on figuring out what happened?  Or to appease his w and go back to the way things were.  I remember back in March, when I was in his town, and we were going to see each other, but his w found and he asked her if she wanted him to cancel meeting me, and she said yes, and so, he cancelled.  I remember him telling me that she wanted him to move away.  To leave the industry that we work in, and to move to another state.

I remember how I felt being disconnected from him on the social networking sites, from his email, cell phone, home phone.  And when I think about that, the pain is there.  Less raw, but still there.

I started this post on June 23 and have picked it up again this evening.  I’m in a bad place tonight.  MM is still getting divorced; still telling me he loves me, still coming to see him.  That is until we spoke today.  MM got fired this past Thursday.  It was nothing he did, per se, just a resurrection of the mess that followed him from his last company (where we worked together.)  Of course I have plenty to say and believe that he is more than partly responsible, but at this point we’ve discussed it a million times, hind sight is 20/20, etc.  He came to see me this past weekend and stayed until Tuesday morning.  He went to see his divorce lawyer today to see what could be done about speeding things up a bit, and discussed the inequity of the fact that he has no “alone” time with the kids as his W is always home, except when she’s out on a date and for him to see me, he has to come to my town.  The lawyer told him that he needs to spend as much time with the kids as possible if he thinks there is going to be any sort of custody fight.  This means that he wont be coming to see me anytime soon.  Which of course, resulted in me being more than a bit angry.  Things are the way they are (he’s living in the basement, his mother-in-law is living in their home without contributing anything financially, and he’s the babysitter when his w is out on dates) because he did nothing!  Because he’s a passenger in his own damn life.  So, as he and I discussed numerous times, both of my kids are away for the next 7-8 weeks, he has no apartment, now no job and we wont see each other until his kids go for a couple of weeks to see his parents in Florida.  And he tells me that he needs to “lay low” since his W is working and essentially supporting him now.  Lay low?!?!?!  Are you that big of an ass?  (That’s a rhetorical question, of course.)  I could barely contain myself.  And the worst part, was we had this conversation about an hour before a hugely important interview that I was going on.  He told me to not be angry, not think about this because he wanted me to have a good interview, blah blah blah.  I told him that it wasn’t his concern what I did or how I handled anything as I had managed, quite successfully, over the past 46 years without him, or his concern.

So – where is all this rambling going.  I don’t know.  I see all of his weaknesses, his inability to decide, his inability to be pro-active, strong, his inability to be affirmative, all magnified 1000x.  He cried the other night – great sobs – over the mess that his life has become — no job, no family, no kids.  And I wanted to smack him.  Your life has been a mess for years.  It is now just overt.  No more sweeping things under the rug; everything is out in the open.  Like his facebook profile picture that his mother made him post – the happy nuclear family – without the adulteress other woman in the photo – everyone smiling happily for the camera.  What a fucking joke.  Except I’m not laughing. 

So as the summer is about to kick off, I held off making plans since MM and I anticipated spending time together.  Again, he has let me down, and like the pathetic OW,  I’m second best.  Still.  I didn’t take care of myself first.  (Anotherother1 – are you paying attention).  Like Florence Nightingale, I’ve been there to comfort MM over the loss of his family (who is that, by the way?  His w?), his job, his kids and yet when both of my kids left, there was no time for me to be sad, because MM was crying.  When my work situation changed dramatically, there was no time to discuss it, because, well . . . it wasn’t about him.  Well – hell no.  This isn’t going to work out.  This isn’t for me.  This is what I feared most.  That all the things I knew about MM were one day going to fall 100% to me.  I used to think, after we would spend a couple of days together on the road, that I was glad that he was going back to his W, that she was going to have deal with his crap and not me.  Now look at how good she has it.  She has the king size bed to herself, since her husband is sleeping in the basement.  Her mother has the guest room.  And whenever she wants to go out and get laid she has her husband at home as the babysitter, since his girlfriend lives in another state and his lawyer said he shouldn’t visit her.  She comes and goes as she pleases, lives in a lovely, big house with a pool.  Her husband loves to vacuum, go food shopping, do laundry and clean the kitchen and take the kids to all of their activities, all the time.

And me?  No plans. . . . . yet.

Friday night it was late
I was walking you home
we got down to the gate
and I was dreaming of the night
would it turn out right
how to tell you girl
I want to build my world around you
tell you that it’s true
I wanna make you understand
I’m talking about a life time plan.
That’s the way it began
we were hand in hand
Glen Miller’s Band was better than before
We yelled and screamed for more
and the porter too
made us dance across the room
it ended it all too soon
and on the way back home
I promised you, you’ll never be alone.
Hurry don’t be late,
I can hardly wait
I said to myself when we’re old
we’ll go dancing in the dark
walking through the park and reminiscing
(Barry Manilow)

Response: It’s all about Me

MM talks about marrying me all the time.  This isn’t a new conversation but the urgency is new.  I have told him a million times that I don’t want to get married again.  I have more than enough reasons to feel that way.  My 19 year marriage (which includes the 2 years it took get divorced) was not a good foundation.  It was difficult to get out of, something I never should have done in the first instance and to be honest, I like not being married.  I fear all the traps of marriage – complacency, boredom, taking the other person for granted, the bickering, fighting, and no sex.  I’m not going to have any more children and there doesn’t seem to be any tax advantage to being married anymore.  I have my insurance, my own 401(k), my own home, my own car, my own life.  I would, however, like a partner.  MM NEEDS to be married.  He NEEDS to be taken care of.  He NEEDS to know that he is half of a relationship.  I worry as we enter into the next phase of our relationship, that he may not be enough for me.  That his passivity will grow old and tedious.  My fear is that our differences, which are nice when we live apart, will break us apart when we live together. 

As a single mother, full time worker, I thought, that during my marriage I was responsible for everything.  There were some things that I didn’t do, because I didn’t like to — like taking care of the car, worrying about auto/homeowner’s insurance, anything in the house that needed fixing/maintenance; and taking care of the finances.  I have since learned the thrill of something as small as going to the hardware store, buying  the right bulb, and then putting it in.  Or of comparing auto insurances to make sure that I got the best rate.  MM hasn’t been on his own since college.  He can’t be.  I don’t think that he would survive.

He wants to wear my ring.  I told him I would buy him a ring he could wear.  I can’t imagine getting married again.  I don’t want to mother his children, I don’t want to mother him, I don’t want to run interference for him and his parents.  I want someone who will be my equal.  Not my boss, not my task master, not my slave driver, but someone who will be equally capable of doing those things for me.  And I doubt that MM can do them.  Yes, he can do laundry, clean the kitchen, take out the trash, but in the emotional department, he’s so needy it frightens me.  I call it weakness.

As he stood there being chastised by his w, by his mother, by his “friends” about his affair, me, whatever you call it, he thought a million things and said nothing.  He said nothing.  He told me his thoughts.  But to them – he said nothing.  Again, the thought that crossed through my mind was – who is he protecting. 

This swirled around in my head and a couple of days ago, I called him on it.  I told him that he needs to defend me.  If he wants to be with me, then he  has to start to defending me.  I asked him why he said nothing and he told me that he feels his w needs to take her share of the responsibility for the downfall fo their marriage and her comments about me were directed at him and had nothing to do with me.  ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?!?  I told him that I didn’t give a shit about him, her, their marriage, why it failed.  What I cared about and care about is ME.  He should not permit people to say horrible things about me, if he loves me.  I pity the person that would throw a barb at someone I love.  I wouldn’t stand there silently, like my 10 year, muttering and cursing in my head. 

The conversation circled to MM’s parents.  They don’t call him to see how he’s doing;  they call his w.  When he told his father that his W had retained a lawyer, his father responded that he was glad that W took his advice, finally.  MM was aghast and his father responded — what would you do if it were your daughter?  Again, MM said nothing.  He stood by silently.  He relayed this story and I told him 3 things:  (1) Unless your parents can apologize to me and treat me like the good person that I am, I don’t want to meet them, see them or have a relationship with them; (2) W is NOT their daughter, YOU are their son; and (3)  they have no respect for you.  He said NOTHING.  WHY NOT?!?!?!

I have a married “friend” who I’ve been emailing and we’ve developed an amazing, honest, open relationship.  His marriage is difficult now and certainly my life – is complicated, messy, confusing.  I asked him the other day why he isn’t honest and open with his wife the way he is with me and what would happen to our respective relationships if we were to be completely open/honest now.

He wrote:

I think in the proper setting, if we shared (the thoughts that we have expressed in many of) these emails with our respective partners it would change the relationships for the better. 
 
To some extent, I have started doing that.  As you know, the results have been mixed, but my execution has been shoddy.  However, there are signs that things are a little better.  As you have said, we probably need a safe haven for the heavier issues.  I withhold because I am judged.  I withhold because it prevents conflict.  I withhold because I want to be intimate.  I am not withholding as much anymore and it’s hurting and it’s helping. 
 
I understand your not sharing your shit with MM when you were going through your divorce because he was with someone else and could not be there for you fully (only at his convenience).  Why else?  Were you overthinking it?  Maybe you withheld because you simply wanted to enjoy the moment(s) with him.  He was your escape.  You did not want to rehash the issues that were swirling around you.  You did not need him to be that person.  It seems like you are no longer withholding.  It seems like you are moving to a healthier place.
 
You are supporting him.  You are there.  You are waiting for him to step-up.  He needs to find someone else to work through the shit; and when he is with you, he needs to be with you.  He needs to set it all aside and work on making you happy.  Work on understanding why he is with you and, to a large extent, prove that he wants to be with you.

I wrote:

You can sum up why you withhold in one thought:  because if you told the truth, maybe she/he wouldn’t like/love it/me/us.  And once the words are out, you can’t take them back.  The children’s rhyme about sticks and stones is completely off the mark.  It is the words that can hurt you and from which it is difficult, if not impossible to heal.  
 
It is rare that you can be completely open and honest with someone.  It is when you have nothing to lose that it is easiest.  We could be honest with each other because it didn’t matter, in the grand scheme of our respective lives, what we thought (initially).  There was nothing to lose and nothing really to gain.  You’re married and I’m in a messy situation.  We weren’t looking for something as high staked as love, being loved, being valued, cherished, admired, adored.  Just someone to talk to. (Quite the reason & season).  So there was no guile.  No deceit.  If I liked you, then that was fine.  And if not, that would be fine too.  That’s why you keep saying it would be easier if I were dumb.  Because when people date or have some kind of investment in the future, they are cautious, they only want to show their best side.  Why is that?  Because the other side isn’t so nice and maybe if that side were visible, then the relationship wouldn’t happen/wouldn’t succeed and would fail.  Like the saying that you don’t really know someone until after you’re married.  Why is that?  

I’m sad for you that you haven’t shared with your family the extent to which we’ve become friends.  I understand why that has to be, but wouldn’t it be great if you could share some of the things we’ve discussed?  I tell my kids about you and my friends of course.  But I haven’t shared with MM the extent to which we’ve become friends.  I don’t think it’s any of his business.  Or that he’s entitled to all those parts of my life.  He knows nothing about what I did during the time we weren’t speaking.  He hasn’t really asked.  So I withhold.  To protect myself.  Isn’t that why you withhold, in the bottom analysis?

So MM must withhold for the same reasons.  He says nothing/withholds because: (1) he doesn’t want to hurt anyone (present company excluded); (2) he’s afraid of how people (i.e., his W, mother-in-law, mother, father, friends — again, NOT me) will see him — he doesn’t want to be judged.  Yet, he tells me.  But he doesn’t defend me.  He shares his outrage with me.  Yet tells me it’s not about me.  He tells me he is depressed, he is hurt, he is angry.  Yet he does nothing to take care of himself.  Or me. 

I have always maintained my confusion about MM, about whether I love/loved him; whether I wanted him or whether it was my ego at not being chosen when the affair was discovered.  I thought over the years that I was glad that his W had to deal with his daily shit and not me.  I blogged more about my ego than about my feelings.  I blogged that I was breaking up with MM, I was getting ready to move on in December when our affair was discovered and it changed the tenor of our relationship, the tenor of my feelings, the ability to control things the way I want them.  I wanted to be the one to end the relationship.  Not him.  Not his W. I was pulling away from him — physically and emotionally.

This morning I woke up feeling guilty.  Guilty that MM exploded his life and ever since, has been a passive passenger allowing the shitstorm to swirl around him, while he was helplessly caught in the middle.  Guilty that he has put all of his eggs in my basket.  (To hear him say that if it weren’t for me, he would still be in his marriage, makes me queasy.  Worse, his W wouldn’t allow that.)  Nauseous that he wants to marry me.  I like him.  I even love him.  I like that he lives 4 hours away.  I like that I don’t see him every day.  I’m not so happy when he talks about getting a place together.  I don’t want to support him – financially.  I want him to pay for his own home.  I want him to pick up the tab.  I want him to DO for me.  I think I’m entitled to that.  And if it’s not going to come from him, I’m going to find it somewhere else. 

I don’t think that MM would reconcile with his W, although I’ve been surprised to find I was wrong before.  It’s not that I don’t think he wouldn’t come back to her, with his tail between his legs, if it doesn’t “work out” with us; it’s that I don’t think she would ever take him back.  She’s a narcissist.  Her ego is so bruised and damaged that the only thing she knows how to do is move on.  She’s not a nurturer.  She’s not warm.  She’s not kind.  She’s not gracious.  She’s my ex husband.  She’s not emotionally devastated by the affair or the end of her marriage.  She’s embarrassed.  She’s humiliated that she has to go to school as a single mother, that she’s not half of a couple (regardless of the penis on the other end).  She and MM were perfect together.  Neither one cared about the other – except by title:  MY wife, MY husband, OUR home, OUR kids, etc.  Proprietary.  Comfortable.  And they both did their own things and went their own ways because the one thing they never were was friends.  They were room-mates.  She was happy with her life, like my ex was happy with his life – beautiful home, beautiful wife (:-) ); beautiful kids, etc.  She was in a similar boat.  It wasn’t about more than the trappings.  Because underneath the shell, it was empty.  She didn’t notice because she didn’t care.

I’ve questioned whether I’m his sloppy second.  I haven’t really talked about whether I’m settling when it comes to him.  All of my friends who know him, know me have said that he’s good for now.  He’s good for me because he’s the opposite of my ex.  He’s a good transition guy.  He’s not the right guy for me in the long run.  And that all the little noises in my head that make me question the relationship should have their own bull-horns.  I should listen to those voices.

So while it is romantic to think about the MM “picking” the OW, it’s not what anyone imagines it to be.  Thinking about “our” place; wondering about relationships with each other’s kids; taking vacations together; planning a future together, etc. is exciting but feels more than a bit unreal.  The explosion of the affair was cataclysmic.  There is a lot of debris all over the place.  It is difficult to clean it up.  I’m wondering if it is impossible.  I’m wondering if that’s what I want to do.  After all, it’s all about me.

 

Time, touch, acts . . .

The 5 love languages, is a book by Gary Chapman.

Time – quality

Touch – more than just sex (Although I’m sure that ranks fairly highs. 🙂 )

Acts (of service) – Actions speak louder than words

Words (of Affirmation) – actions don’t always speak louder than words

Gifts – more than the tangible gift, but the thought behind it.

I admit that I haven’t read the book.  I’ve looked at the site and very good friend of mine has talked to me about it at length.  The truth is, it is common sense.  In order to make a relationship work, survive or recover, Dr. Chapman talks about finding out what your partner’s “love language” is and fulfilling it.  What is your primary love language?  What, in order of preference, would you put the 5 love languages?  Figuring this out and discussing this with my friend, has given me tremendous insight into who I am, what I want and what is really important to me.

I’ve been seeing MM on a fairly regular basis.  We try to see each other on weekends, we speak and email and text regularly.  I saw MM a couple of  weeks ago and I mentioned the “5 love languages” book and he was shocked.  He told me that a friend of his gave him the book to read in January.  He read it.  His W refused to read.  Why did he read it?  What was he looking for in January?  Why if he was telling his W, his marriage counselor and his friends that I was his soul mate, I was the one that made him happy, would he read a book about “fixing” his marriage?  I didn’t ask him that, but thought it.  What he said was that he thought the book was interesting and posed some thought provoking ideas.  But at the bottom of all of it, was the that the relationship or marriage had to have some foundation, something that was worth fixing, saving in the first instance, or else it was theoretical.  I guess he was telling me that his marriage did not have that foundation.   He mentioned, that after he read the book, he gave it to his W, yet she didn’t read it.  He seemed bothered by that.  Why?  Why would he care what she did/didn’t do, read/didn’t read.  He was looking to find out “who he is”  “what he want(ed)”  where he wants/ed to be.  So whether she read it or not seems irrelevant.  Yet he was perturbed.

We spoke about what we each think our primary “love language” is.  We seem to be on the same page.  I guess that’s good. 

MM met with his lawyer a couple of  weeks ago.  Finally.  He likes her.  Thinks she’s smart, has been doing this for a long time and is pleased with the selection.  He filed an answer to his w’s complaint and filed a counter-claim, suing her for divorce.  Although it is just a formality.  He alleged irreconcilable differences.  His w alleged that and “cruel and inhuman” treatment.  Why would she do that?  Why wouldn’t she allege adultery?  And funny, the date she alleged for the cruel and inhuman treatment was 2 days before she discovered his affair.  Was that just sloppy lawyering?  MM seems to think so.  Funny – in his state, you need to have proof of physical acts of abuse and he would never have done that.  Quite the opposite – she has exhibited those traits.  There’s some thought that the allegations will go for child support/custody, but nothing more. 

He shared some of the things he learned from his attorney with w.  I asked him what he was thinking?  And he said, that he just thought some of it was interesting.  Is he for real?  Or is he in denial?  I’m at a loss at this point that his foolishness seems to know no bounds.  I told him that whatever he thought he had, whatever he wished he had didn’t exist and probably never existed.  He has to protect himself, his kids and whatever will remain of his assets in the same manner that his w is looking out for number 1.  I don’t fault her for that in the least.  I think it is as it should be.  I fault him for living in some stupid haze, some world of make believe that if he wishes things, they will be so.  Fool.  Don’t all of us OW learn that lesson pretty early on – wishing doesn’t make it so.

I am not quite sure where this is going.  I’m frustrated by his behavior.  I’m frustrated when he talks to me about all the things that have to get done.  I’m frustrated when he talks about being sad, depressed.  I’m angry when he talks about what his w is doing, saying, when he sends me her emails and asks me for help responding.  I’m furious when he tells me hasn’t heard from the bank about his mortgage and then tells me his w called and found out what’s going on.  I’m angriest when I sit back and think – if his w hadn’t asked him for the divorce when she came back  from her vacation, whether he would have, as he told me, have gone through with asking.  I’m the sloppy second.  I’m not the one he chose.  I’m just the one still here.  That makes me a fool.  That makes me cautious, withholding, untrusting.  That makes me the OW in an affair.

I saw MM this past weekend.  I drove to his town.  We stayed in a hotel.  He’s still living in the basement of his house so there’s no place we can stay together.  I sent him an email a couple of months ago – about what I felt about him, what I thought it meant to love someone.  He shared that with his friend who gave him the “5 love languages.”  His friend said, after reading it, why aren’t you with her?  Why aren’t you driving to get her and be with her?  That’s a good question.  Why didn’t he?  Why did he still have a million excuses?  Why was he incapable of picking me?

What I have thought is that his behavior has caused me to be cautious.  To not really “give myself” to him.  To keep things about me hidden.  During our relationship, I didn’t share some very important personal things with him.  He didn’t get to know those things.  They were reserved for real friends; for those people that would answer my call when they were at dinner, sitting on the sofa, watching tv.  Not for someone who would be doing those things with his wife and would click “ignore” if my call should come at an inopportune time.  I understood that and kept him at arms length.  It is why I’ve questioned my feelings for him.  Do I love him?  Am I in love with him?  Or – is it simply the sex.  Is it being adored/loved by someone, being looked at that way, like I’m the most beautiful, the smartest, the most incredible person in the world.  Am I in love with being loved and adored or am I in love with him?  I don’t now what the answer is.

MM and his w need to arrive at a parenting schedule for their kids.  Right now it is “catch as catch can.”  Not very organized.  W has refused to have this conversation with him; and has sent an email, ghost written by her lawyer, to MM about what she thinks would be best.  Needless to say, he doesn’t agree.  Right now, she will go out on Friday night, he will be with the kids, he will take the kids to their activities on Saturday and wont be free until late afternoon.  Then it starts over on Sunday.  It is difficult on a number of levels but MM and I live a 4 hour car ride away from each other.  It’s OK to make that drive if you have 2 days, but tough to do for dinner.  I understand also, that MM has focused much of his attention and his affection on his kids in an almost unnatural way.  Since there hasn’t been a healthy adult relationship, he has focused all of his attention on his kids.  Too much.  All the time.  I get it.  I did that.  But at some point you realize that you need to take care of yourself too.  You can’t cause your kids to feel responsible for your happiness.  You need to find that for yourself.  I don’t want to spend all of time “teaching” MM what to do.  I question whether he could be my partner, my equal.

MM’s w is doing on-line dating.  She’s on line all the time.  She’s also amassed a group of angry women – women scorned in some way by their boyfriend, husband, lover and they spend a lot of time bashing men.  I don’t really understand that mentality.  I also don’t really understand what her hurry is to date.  Certainly she’s angry, she’s hurt, she’s bruised.  Why wouldn’t she want to take some time to stop, look around, heal and then move on.  It seems diabolical.  I understand just about all of her behavior except that.  She reminds me of my ex-husband.  Neither one of them were emotionally hurt – they were egotistically hurt.  Neither one of them are capable of doing anything for anyone except themselves, they are used to having others do it for them, so now – they are single mindedly focused on themselves, at all costs.  It is very sad, lonely and empty. 

I’m still the OW.  I haven’t met any of his friends, yet they all know about me.  How is that?  Either his W made him call them and tell them when she found out, OR she called them to tell them, because, as she said, she has no friends of her own.  She blames him for the state of their marriage, their lives, their financial problems, because, as she says he was the one fucking someone else for the past 3 years.  He tells me he finds that crass of her to say, and untrue.  He wasn’t “fucking” someone else, he fell in love with someone else.  Does he tell her that?  What do you think?  Of course not.  He stands there, silently, saying nothing and allowing himself to be chastised.  I am coming to the end of my rope.  Be with me, or don’t be with me.  Defend me and stop apologizing for me.  Stop being a victim, stop being a passenger in your own life.  If you can’t do that now, it will only get harder as time goes by.  And the clock is tick tick ticking.

Where do I go?

I saw MM this past week 2x.  We had a great time.  We golfed, made love, made love, slept and then got to do it all over again the next day.  We had a wonderful business meeting on Wednesday evening and on Thursday I walked with MM to his W’s lawyer’s office where he picked up the complaint that his W filed against him for divorce.  Despite the conversations they’ve had about preserving whatever little assets they have, and being co-petitioners, she borrowed almost $8,000 from her mother and sued him for divorce.  Asking for the sun, the moon and the sky.  Of course, he’s freaked out.  About the demand (unrealistic and ungrantable as it may be) and the cost of an attorney and how litigation will take whatever little money they have.  He watched me go through a horrible, acrimonious divorce, but at a minimum, I could “afford” it.  (Even though it ate through my savings, for me, it was worth every penny.)  He’s freaked out. 

I spoke to him on Monday about seeing him this weekend – I offered to drive to his town.  He gave me a non-answer and on Friday, at 4:30 told me that if I still wanted to make the drive, he would like to see me from 3:00 pm on Saturday until 9:00 am on Sunday because his W was going to be spending the day with some of her new-found man-hating friends on Sunday.  I didn’t even answer him.  Until today.  When I answered, I told him – forget it.  I asked him to spend the weekend  with me; I was free from Friday until Monday morning and he said nothing until he found out his w had plans.  If he’s going to see me out of spite, I don’t want to see him.  If he’s going to be reactive to her, don’t see me.  I’m an affirmative choice, a first choice or else I’m no choice.  I asked him: What if you were the one with plans on Sunday and not her?  What if you were the one that made plans on mother’s day and not her?  What if you were the one that had a date last Friday and not her?  Are you going to spend the rest of your life babysitting for her?  Being shit on by her?  Am I going to take a back seat to her?  The answer to the last question is – NO.  Not in this fucking lifetime, my friend. 

He’s meeting with his lawyer on Tuesday.  I get that he’s anxious.  But for goodness sake, stop being a doormat.  The most interesting thing is that he lives in a state where you can get a no-fault divorce – a divorce on irreconcilable differences, irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.  Incredibly, his w sued him and alleged no fault and in the alternative pled “cruel and inhuman treatment” (the most common “fault” divorce grounds) and did not allege adultery.  I wonder why she did that.  My ex accused me of adultery with someone who he named (not MM) and someone who I wasn’t having even sleeping with. The most incredible thing is that I live in state where adultery is a ground for divorce AND a CRIME.  I’m surprised that she didn’t allege those grounds.  MM is hung up on the cruel and abusive treatment ground.  I told him that it is nothing and if that if anyone has grounds to plead that, it is him.  She hit him, she pushed him into the wall, she yelled at him and exiled him and he did nothing.  When I think about those times, it makes my blood boil.  When I think about what he did, what he put up with, that he said nothing, did nothing, it makes me angry.  It makes me so angry that I wonder sometimes, when I think of it, whether I’ll be able to get over it.  Whether I’ll be able to look at him and think better of him. 

It is that ultimate question: did he pick me or did he simply allow his w to decide.  In my heart I think it is the latter.  In my heart, as I think that it is the latter, it will not be good for a future relationship with him.  Because I don’t want to think, as I’ve written relentlessly, that he didn’t choose me.  I want to be chosen, not a fall back, not a second.  If his W hadn’t asked for the divorce, would he have?  If she hadn’t filed/sued him for divorce, what would he have done?  I know the answers but I don’t like thinking about them.  I’m good at self deceit but only for a limited period of time.

As I face the future, I’m concerned – about his neediness; about my lack of trust; about his remorse; about my anger; about his guilt; and finally about my intolerance and impatience.

Where do I go?  What do I do?

Where do I go?
Follow the river
Where do I go?
Follow the gulls

Where is the something?
Where is the someone?
That tells me why I live and die

Where do I go?
Follow the children
Where do I go?
Follow their smiles

Is there an answer
In their sweet faces?
That tells me why I live and die

Follow the wind song
Follow the thunder
Follow the neon in young lovers’ eyes

Down to the gutter
Up to the glitter
Into the city
Where the truth lies

Where do I go?
Follow my heartbeat
Where do I go?
Follow my hand

Where will they lead me?
And will I ever
Discover why I live and die?

Why do I live?
Why do I die?
Tell my why
Tell me where
Tell my why
Tell me why

Hair; Macdermot, Galt; Rado, James; Ragni, Gerome

It’s Done, Part deux

How do I feel is a big question. 

I never asked him to leave his wife for a number of reasons.  I didn’t want to hear him say no and I didn’t want to hear him say yes.  I kept myself emotionally distant and found many reasons why not to be with him.  I could have stayed as the “other woman” forever, through other relationships, through another partnership.  I don’t know why I felt that way.  I was able to be more objective and critical than one would expect.  We’re very different, he and I.  He’s very much my opposite.  I think he takes a lot of strength and courage from me.  He’s learned a lot from me and I have learned from him.  The friends that I’ve discussed him & the affair with think I should re-evaluate.  More specifically, they think, in the long run, he’s not for me.  I’ve talked about competition – I couldn’t stand the idea of losing.  I told him, the last time we were together, on December 4, 2009, that I was going to move on.  I wasn’t emailing him quickly or returning his calls.  I was finding reasons to not travel to see him.  But when his wife found out about us, he cut me out completely.  Of course she told him to do it, but still, it was horrible.  I was stunned.  And what I thought about, over and over was the idea that I would lose.  Why wouldn’t he pick me?  That’s what went through my mind.  Not the endless thoughts that my life was over but that I was going to lose.  I hate losing.  Like you can’t even begin to imagine.  I’m all about the competition.  It doesn’t even matter what the prize is at the end. 

It took me months to think about what I felt and to even tell anyone about my feelings.  And I wonder if my feelings grew because the relationship was over, because I had lost and I could romantacise it and it was safe to say things, because I wouldn’t have to commit to anything.  (I think that maybe I’m not good at committing either.) 

I started the relationship for selfish reasons.  He was in love with me for a long time before anything happened.  I knew it and didn’t care.  I liked being loved like that.  It was obvious to everyone.  I was going through a horrible time with my divorce and this guy loved me – thought I was smart, funny, kind, beautiful on and on.  My ex told me and treated me like I was garbage.  Quite a dichotomy.
 
If a married person doesn’t leave for the “other” person in an affair within the first 6 months, they don’t leave.  I didn’t expect him to leave.  We talked about all the reasons why he couldn’t do it.  That was fine.  It made me bitchy from time to time.  I dated.  I flirted.  I wasn’t always alone.  I didn’t tell him.  Ever.  He had some funny rules about that.  I heard them.  No one makes rules for me like that.  I hate that.  It suffocates me.  So, I’m confused, to say the least.  I blogged, I cried, I moved on.  I tried to move on.
 
He said some mean things to me and wrote some cruel emails to me when we weren’t allowed to speak to each other.  I knew the genesis of them and the reasons for them coming to me, but we didn’t speak to each other for 2 months.  Not a word.  Not an email – except the ones his wife drafted to me.  He unfriended me on everything, blocked my phone numbers, emails, etc.  I’m sure you can imagine.  So – psychologically I started to move on.  This, now, blows my mind.  How do I feel?  I’m confused.  I’m distrusting.  I’m not really sure.

So,  I went to see him a couple of weeks ago in his town.  We stayed at a lovely hotel.  It was the first time that we touched since December 4, 2009.  All of time and space disappeared.  It was incredible to see him.  To hold him.  To touch him.  To be held and touched by him.  It was as if no time had passed.  He cried.  I wanted to hold him.  And then I wanted to slap him.  Why was he crying if he was with me.

Why?  MM is struggling with his demons – about his “failed” marriage, raising his children, having a relationship with someone far away, his parents, siblings, etc.  He’s sad.  I understand.  I’m impatient.  I should be more supportive.  I’m very supportive.  I’m impatient.  I loathe self pity.  I hate myself for wallowing in it, when I’m there.  His wife retained a lawyer.  It made him sad.  His wife is on match.com.  It made him sad. (She’s a narcissist.)  She wrote that she’s “separated”.  It made him sad.  She asked for the divorce.  Poor, pitiful, victimized him.  Snap out of it.  Are you kidding!!  I understand.  I told him to talk to a lawyer in December.  He didn’t.  I told him to speak to his wife, years ago, about how unhappy he was.  He didn’t.  He’s the ultimate passive.  He hurt me in December – when he turned his back on me because he was freaked out at having been “caught”, again in January – when he wrote me a horrible, cold email (“However comma”), February – when he was going to try and work things out in his mind without me and then took his family to Florida the week we weren’t speaking, and in March – when he was bullied into taking his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 2 days before he was going to see me and not telling me before/after he went, but I found out about it.  How could he tell me that he loves me and treat me like that?  How could he tell me, that when the shit hit the fan, that he was concerned about doing right by everyone – and everyone didn’t include me?  How could he tell me that he wants to spend his life with me, and treat me like that?  How could he think that I forgive him so quickly?  I don’t.  When I think about it, I want to kill him.  He has a long road to hoe and my sympathy sometimes is not forthcoming. 

He told me that he felt horrible when his wife told him that he caused her pain.  Guess what?  He hasn’t said that to me.  Or apologized to me.  I guess I’ll get over that.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  What I understand about MM is that he’s weak and I’m strong.  Ultimately, I’m afraid that I might destroy him. 

Or worse, that I will trust him and he will hurt me.
 
So I’m confused.  There’s a lot to think about.  I withheld plenty from him – emotionally and personally.  I didn’t talk to him when my divorce got really horrible and ugly.  I retreated and said nothing.  I didn’t want him to see me cry.  That’s reserved for the friends who will be there at a moments notice.  For someone that can make me feel better or simply just be there.  And he wasn’t that person, because he was married to someone else.  Where do I go with that.  If I were to trust him, would I be making a mistake?  Should I?  Am I capable of that? 

He’s sleeping in the basement.  He’s not wearing his wedding band.  They told the kids that they are getting divorced.  He came to my town last weekend to be with me.  We slept in my bed, held hands, walked the dog, bought ice cream, watched tv.  We talked.  It was really incredible to just be normal.  To not be a secret. 

I’ve yelled at him a number of times.  I’m angry still and hurt still.  I can’t help but bring up the time when we weren’t speaking.  The time that he took his wife to the Caribbean and not me; that he talked to mutual friends and not me; that his life continued without me.  He hopes that his mother will like me.  He can’t wait to introduce me to his friends.  He’s excited and happy to be able to tell people that he loves me, freely and honestly.  I’m reserved.  I’m wary.  I’m concerned.  I’m nervous.  I’m afraid.  I’m not sure.  Affairs are one thing.  Relationships are something else.  How do you move from being a secret to not being a secret?  From being second, to being first?  From being a friend, to being a partner?

There is so much to talk about.  So many issues to discuss.  So much time ahead of us.  It’s scary.  It’s exciting.