Posts Tagged ‘soulmate’

Another blog – Whyhaveanaffair – and its impact

June 3, 2013

blowing-a-dandelionI have been following, albeit intermittently, another blog – whyhaveanaffair. It has been incredibly interesting and illuminaating. It is written by a MM who had an affair, with comments by his W. They are working to repair and keep their marriage. There is another blogger who comments often, betrayalsurvivor1981, on this blog and she has raised some very interesting points to me that I would like to post here – full credit to her, to the other bloggers and whyhaveanaffair’s blog.

As most of my readers know, I spent a lot of time wondering what my xMM’s W was thinking immediately after d-day. This blog answers a lot of those questions. But the posting on “hysterical bonding” rocked my world. I didn’t understand it. I spent a lot of time ruminating whether MM and his W were sleeping together/having sex, after d-day and if so, why would SHE do it, how could HE do it. I also understand that all affairs are different, just as people are different, situations are different and while we can find comfort and education in other people’s trials and tribulations, we need to learn from our singular mistakes, triumphs, heartbreaks and loves.

I would like to share my exchanges with the bloggers as I found their insights quite poignant – and of course I would love to respond. 🙂

The posting was “Hysterical bonding”:
ME:Thanks, betrayalsurvivor1981 and mr and mrs. Yes, my “about me” is outdated. I haven’t thought to change it. The blog is always evolving, just like me. I think that the writing/blogging helps get through some sticky, unhappy times. Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story.How you came to where you are now. You are right. My xMM is now my BF – or at least we are now publically a couple after all of the years of being hidden. I’m sure that our story is not much different than the story of Mr.’s friend who married his AP. Sometimes marriages are irretrievably broken but no one walks away until something forces the issues. Like pergatory. We can all drift there forever. There are a million reasons why people have affairs, why those affairs end, perpetuate, fizzle, explode or morph into something more, or die. Do not judge unless you walk a mile in that person’s shoes. Easier said than done, right? And don’t forget that the blogging is a snapshot. Not everyone writes everything. It is a place to vent. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I a villain? A hero? A good person or bad? All of the above to a mullitude of people. But if you ask the questions, I would happily tell. We all hope to learn from each other. That’s why we are hear in the blogging world. Not to condemn. But to learn and for some catharsis. Yes, please read my blog. But understand that I too bleed, hurt, love, care and didn’t go into an affair with the hopes of destroying anyone’s marriage. And my last thought of the day, it is alway easier to make the “Other” woman/man the villain, yet we are not the ones who took the vows; we are not the ones who broke those vows. We are oftentimes not the crazies that the Married man/woman portray us to be, yet we are often the scapegoats. You know why? Because the BS doesn’t always want to know the truth or they really really want to believe their spouse. I KNOW what I did, how I behaved and I KNOW what my MM told his W. I KNOW the lies he told her. He asked me to corroborate them. He lied to his W after d-day telling her I called when I didn’t, telling her I emailed, texted when I didn’t. But my relationship was with him, not with her. The flaw in their marriage wasn’t me. It was between them and their inability to end their marriage and walk away after it had died (or rightlyfully before it had started.) Ask away. I have a milion questions for you!
Happy Valentine’s day!!

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 14, 2013 at 11:58 pm
(“…I definitely appreciate more the ones from supportive people like yourself. We feel like you’re a friend (albeit at a distance !) and we both appreciate your support and friendship.”) – from whyhaveanaffair 2/9/13
Because of this “cyber-friendship,” I feel comfortable responding to Susan on your blog, Mr. and Mrs. B (as I haven’t started my own blog – yet).
___________________________________
From Susan: (“Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story. How you came to where you are now.”)
Susan, firstly I want to thank you for your interest in my story. EVERY human being on the face on this planet has a right to his/her opinions & beliefs. Therefore, I want to assure you in advance that my post is NOT aimed to try and vilify you. However, my beliefs and opinions – like yours – are ROCK SOLID and FIRM! Buckle your seatbelts, sweetheart, because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

I am an African American grandma. In 1981 my physically and mentally abusive serial-cheating husband deserted his family. On every DDay prior to the final affair that resulted in his leaving, I received from him the usual begging and pleading for my forgiveness, and promises that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. After fathering an OC (a baby girl) with one of his affair partners, he left me for yet another affair partner (not the OC’s mother) whom he later married. He left me pregnant with our third child (a girl), as well as our 2-years-old and 1-year-old sons. Having EXTREMELY low self-esteem at that time in my life (and therefore not realizing that I was actually better off for him leaving), I was absolutely devastated and ashamed. (My parents were happily and solidly married for nearly forty years until my father died in 1995, and divorce made me feel like the “black sheep” of the family [no pun intended]. My mother is also now deceased.)

Despite all the negative things that had occurred in my marriage, I loved the ground my husband walked on, and I literally wanted to die after he abandoned us. In fact, I attempted suicide when my husband abandoned us, and it landed me in the hospital for over a week. Although my devastating grief could maybe EXPLAIN such a reckless act, NOTHING can ever EXCUSE it – mainly because I was PREGNANT! (She is now a very healthy 31-yr-old businesswoman. ) When I think of the damage my selfish act could’ve done to my unborn child, even though I survived the suicide attempt; as well as the devastating legacy I would’ve foisted upon our 2 baby sons had my attempt succeeded – all because of my heartache over my children’s serial-cheating father, coupled with my excessively low self-esteem – I am STILL ashamed to this day and will never COMPLETELY forgive myself! However, I am now a “tough-as-nails” BETRAYAL SURVIVOR, and sincerely GRATEFUL to have lived to see my 4 (so far) grandkids!

As a divorced mother I worked full time as an administrative assistant and raised my kids. They are now 31, 33 and 34; all have attended college; my sons are married with children of their own; my daughter is an unmarried (by her choice) and childless businesswoman (“you go, girl!” ); and all of them are successful. My three children’s half-sister (the OC) is a magnificent woman who is 32 and married with an adorable son, and my children love and have been very close to their sister for many years. She’s also one of my Facebook “friends.” (Twenty years ago her mother called me and apologized for having slept with my husband, and I accepted her apology. I NEVER blamed my children’s sister, because human beings have absolutely no control over the circumstances of our births. The adultery was committed by her father and mother, NOT by the innocent child!)

Although my children love their father (of course they do, because he is their father, after all, and always will be), they have told me (AND him) several times through the years that they DON’T RESPECT him, due to his past behavior toward me and his betrayal and abandonment of me AND them. My children have told me (AND their father) that they love AND respect me, and hold me in high regard for how I survived the life-shattering heartbreak and calamity that was forced upon me by their father’s actions back then.

It wasn’t easy raising three children alone by a long shot (I remarried after they were grown), but with God’s grace those childrearing years were the very best times of my life! (BTW, my children’s father -– my ex-husband -– who left me for wife #2, is now with wife #4. Go figure.)
____________________________________
Susan, I’m a church pastor’s daughter (my father is deceased), and a Christian. I said I’m a Christian – NOT Christ! I have so many faults you could fill an encyclopedia with them! Absolutely NO human being – those who have lived on this earth and are no longer alive; those of us who are currently alive; and those who have yet to be born – are perfect! (For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23) I’m a firm believer that people have a right to live our lives as we see fit – so long as we do not encroach upon someone’s else’s life – which is EXACTLY what affairs do!

From Susan: (“But understand that I…didn’t go into an affair with the hopes of destroying anyone’s marriage.”)
This is an example of what separates adults from children. “I didn’t MEAN to do it, Mommy,” (when a child has been caught in wrongdoing); “I never intended for anybody to get hurt, Pops,” (when a child’s folly causes harm in ways the child could have never foreseen); is behavior that is – childish. As adults, we are responsible for our actions, and adults know that engaging in extramarital affairs is wrong. Therefore, any pain and devastation that occur – directly or indirectly – related to an affair is the fault of BOTH the CH/CW AND the OW/OM!

From Susan: (“…It is always easier to make the “Other” woman/man the villain, yet we are not the ones who took the vows; we are not the ones who broke those vows.”)
This is a common “AP” fallacy that must be addressed. There is no way ANYONE involved in an affair has “clean hands.” The OW who has an EA/PA/BOTH with a MM is with someone who DOESN’T belong to her; and the OM who has an EA/PA/BOTH with a MW is with someone who DOESN’T belong to him. It doesn’t matter that the AP didn’t take vows with the Betrayed Spouse. It doesn’t matter that the marriage had vulnerabilities, as EVERY marriage has vulnerabilities. That doesn’t give the CH/OW or CW/OM carte blanche to be with each other! If the owners of a house, for example, are away and the front/back/garage door has been left unlocked, any person who enters that house unauthorizedly will be guilty of a felony, punishable by law. It doesn’t matter that the house was vulnerable. If a car is parked anywhere, unlocked and even with the keys in the ignition, any person who enters that car unauthorizedly and drives away is guilty of felony. It doesn’t matter that the car was vulnerable. People argue that other PEOPLE don’t BELONG to anybody. As a Christian, my beliefs dispute that argument based on 1 Corinthians 7:3-4: “A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife.”

From Susan: (“We are oftentimes not the crazies that the Married man/woman portray us to be, yet we are often the scapegoats. You know why? Because the BS doesn’t always want to know the truth or they really really want to believe their spouse.”)
There is something that I firmly disagree with: the tendency for ONLY the OW to be branded as the homewrecker! BOTH the CH AND the OW, or the CW AND the OM, are EQUAL homewreckers! The MM wrecked his own home, and his AP participated in it. The MW wrecked her own home, and her AP participated in it. As for the BS not wanting to know the truth: Seriously, Susan? “Other” women are NOTORIOUS for believing ANYTHING the MM says about his Wife, even though – in MOST cases – the OW has NEVER EVER met the W personally! What married man is going to walk up to a woman and say, “Hey baby, I’m deeply in love with my wife, we have a great sex life, and I’m never going to leave her for any THING, any BODY, or any REASON. But, you sure look good to me, Sugar. How about giving me some of that?” That man will find himself picking up his teeth after being slapped into next week by the woman he propositioned in that ridiculous manner. Married Men know EXACTLY the time-worn clichés that work with Other Women, and OWs continue to fall for the lies every single day!

From Susan: (“I KNOW what I did, how I behaved and I KNOW what my MM told his W. I KNOW the lies he told her. He asked me to corroborate them. He lied to his W after d-day telling her I called when I didn’t, telling her I emailed, texted when I didn’t. But my relationship was with him, not with her.”)
You’re right about that, Susan, your relationship was/is with him – a LIAR and a CHEAT (by your own description above). He did NOT stop being a liar and a cheat when the divorce papers were signed. Please don’t fool yourself, Susan. (I have read your ENTIRE blog, by the way.)

From Susan: (“It was between them and their inability to end their marriage and walk away after it had died [or rightfully before it had started].”)
Who has the right to decide if “rightfully” a marriage should not have started? What about if a mass killer should have “rightfully” been born? Should Adolf Hitler, Timothy McVeigh, Aileen Wuournos, Charles Manson, or Adam Lanza (to name a VERY VERY few) “rightfully” should not have been conceived and born because of the murder and absolute devastation their existence would cause? The “that marriage should never have happened in the first place” is yet another argument used to justify and affair, and it DOESN’T HOLD WATER.

I honor marriage and I detest divorce, whether affair-related or not. However, I am fully aware that there ARE times when divorce is the BEST thing for the wife and/or husband in a doomed marriage. (Please see my comments on the blog of “Bad Husband” http://www.affairturmoil.wordpress.com ) Although I didn’t realize it over thirty years ago, through the years I HAVE realized that my divorce from my first husband ended up being the BEST thing to have happened to me AND our children with regard to my marriage, because, as I stated above, he was also PHYSICALLY abusive. Who knows when one of his beatings may have resulted in serious injury or even death to me or to one of our children?

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 15, 2013 at 1:59 am
(My comment is continuing here, Susan, because I was granted more time on this computer. The “gods” are looking out for me today! )

There certainly ARE marriages that have “died” and need to be buried. But, it is COWARDLY for the husband and/or wife in that “dead” marriage to enter into an extramarital affair with someone WITHOUT FIRST HAVING OBTAINED A DIVORCE! Married men are NOTORIOUS for “having their cake and eating it, too.” They want “out” of their “unhappy” marriages, yet MOST of them are the first ones on their knees on DDay, begging and pleading for the wife’s forgiveness, and promising to high heaven that they will spend the rest of their lives making it up to the wife. Often, it is the Betrayed Spouse who decides that she (or he, if the cheater was the wife) can no longer live with someone who committed the most egregious offense possible against their spouse. (From your “Time is of the Essence” 2/8/13 post: “But my BF/xMM stayed after HIS affair was discovered, to try and work things out. I can’t help but ruminate from time to time, what would have happened if his wife hadn’t wanted to push for the divorce.”)

In closing, I’ll say this:
Susan, it is NEVER a CONTEST between the Wife and the Other Woman! Nobody “wins” when it comes to affairs. (From your “And the winner is” 1/6/10 post: “After all of this, you know what? He chose her. He didn’t choose me. So I guess she wins. What’s the prize? An emasculated, castrated unhappy man, in love with someone else for 3 years; fucking someone else for 2 1/2 years; sending her emails about loving her, missing her, wanting to be with her. Even if he doesn’t tell [his wife] everything or only tells her some of it, or shockingly lies about our affair, what is she thinking? What does she get? His honesty? His loyalty? His fidelity? His love? His companionship? Is she letting him sleep in her bed? In her house? Under her roof? Are they eating their meals together? Doesn’t she want to smack him? I do. What I really want to know is who wins? Her? MM? Me?”)

[Please read “Debunking the myths of infidelity: revisited” 12/29/12 @ http://www.rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com

Susan says:
February 15, 2013 at 1:20 pm
Betrayalsurvivor1981 – Thank you so much for your response. I didn’t want you to think that I wouldn’t respond. I would like to give you the proper response, however, but US/east coast time is pushing me to work. Honestly, your story is one of strength and courage. And one I admire. I am a firm believe in the adage that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and you certainly live it. I’ll be back. And I would certainly love to share your comments on my blog.

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 16, 2013 at 5:15 pm
Thanks, Susan, for your quick “mini-response.” (I know you were on your way to work and that, of course, is a huge priority. We gotta pay our bills, right? ) Also, thank you for your statement concerning my story, and for honoring me with your request to share my comments on your blog.

I’m an “optimistic skeptic” (now THAT’S an oxymoron, if there ever was one!). I welcome the compliment of your using my comments on your blog, with the following requests (that I’m sure you already know, but being an “optimistic skeptic” I must say this anyway: please be sure to notate me as the author of any of my comments you use; and I ask that “creative editing” not be used when quoting me. (I studied journalism in college, and I know the “tricks of the trade.” )

Again, thank you for your interest, and I look forward to your “proper response” (as you worded it above).

———–
So – Holy cow! Some of the things that betrayalsurvivor said knocked me down. I don’t agree with everything, but it was certainly informative and from a completely different perspective from mine. And funny how we have some similarities in our stories. 😉
I had an affair for a selfish reason – it was something I needed at that time in my life. I was ending my marriage and craved physical and emotional intimacy with someone, anyone. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive so while my children and I do not have physical scars, we carry around the motional ones – not readily visible or easily discussed. It was hard to end my marriage after 17 years, and yes, my parents are still married after 50 years. It was what I thought marriage was about – a life long commitment to someone I loved, admired, respected and wanted to grow old with. Unfortunately, that wasn’t my ex. I probably never should have married him, but then I wouldn’t have my kids.

While betraylsurvivor quotes the bible and whose body belongs to whom, I find that beautiful in a perfect world. Unfortunately, most of us don’t live there. We live here. Sometimes in our own miserable hell. So what MM does/doesn’t do – his vows are not my vows. Yeah, if a MM tells an OW it’s just a fuck, likely she may not be “up” for it (pun intended), but there are plenty of OW/OM who don’t care. Do I believe that MM/MW are liars when they enter into affairs?? You betcha!! But then there are people who are weak, who are trapped – from every direction. Who can’t make a decision, an action without someone telling them, approving it. My MM should have ended his marriage for all the right reasons instead of because he had an affair. It was shitty for all concerned. And the ripple effect continues. Retribution, for sure.

A couple of months ago, I spent a long weekend with my BF/xMM and his parents – just the 4 of us. And if you’ve read all of my blog, then you know that his xW, made him call his parents after d-day, confess his affair, spend 2+ weeks with his parents in exile and then try to repair his broken marriage at the direction of his parents. xMM/BF and I have now been together, openly, for 3 years. It was time to address the elephant in the room. So I did. And BF’s mother said – that he believes and has consistently maintained that he and I are soul-mates. Yeah. Not so difficult. But a lousy way to start. I wish that we had met after he had divorced his xW, but perhaps without me, he never would have. Perhaps without me, he would have stayed in his emotionally abusive relationship with an asbergers narcissistic woman, solely responsible for the financial and emotional needs of his children. What a lousy way to live.

As to knowing he lied to xW – yeah, it concerns me. Once a liar, always a liar is a popular theory. But my BF isn’t Is there trust? Do I trust him? Yes, I do. If I don’t, then we have nothing. And to be fair, there are times when I don’t. I hate those moments. The re-reading the old emails, the chats; replaying the memories, the conversations, the feelings. And this time of year particularly galls me – as xW’s birthday has come and gone – It was after d-day, March, 2010 when he was telling me how much he loves me, needs me, misses me, wants to be with me and is going to separate from his xW after d-day, that he took her to the Carribean for her birthday, texting me all weekend that he was fighting a cold and getting lots of sleep. (The other day I was leafing through some books in his house and found the receipt for Bubba Gumps in Cancun, March 2010 and got pissed off all over again.)

Lastly, a lot of the MM/MW who have cheated haven’t had “love affairs.” They have had a physical indiscretion. I’m not saying one is better or worse. Being physicallly intimate with someone other than your spouse is difficult for the BS, but being emotially cheated on must be worse. So the spouse LOOKING for it, in my humble opinion, is worse than the one who isn’t. The spouse who falls in love or becomes emotionally attached to someone other than their spouse is in an entirely different category than the one night stand. But, like the rest of this blog, that’s just my opinion.

Don’t know why it took me so long to write, edit and post this entry. Been busy. With life. And the hurt and the anger, fade over time and are replaced by other feelings. And life has a regular rhythm – good, bad, ugly, beautiful. Thank goodness.

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Without trust, there is no Intimacy

February 16, 2011

It’s been about a month or so since last I wrote.  Funny how time flies or stands still depending on where you are.  I remember when I was in the thick of my affair, the time I spent with MM would fly by, yet days would drag until we saw each other next.  Time seemed to stand completely still after d-day.  Every minute that I didn’t hear from him seemed a lifetime, ever day an eternity, until a week had gone by, a month.

My ex-MM/BF took his 10 year old daughter to her school’s father-daughter dance 2 weeks ago.  He was talking to one of the other fathers while the girls “group danced” with each other.  The other father said to him that it was probably the biggest collection of people in one room who couldn’t stand their spouses but were too lazy to do anything about it.  MM told me that he responded, rather superciliously, that he found that sad and that he replied that he was determined to not be one of them.  My, how well he can re-write history!  My oh my, how willing he was to be one of them!  How sad and depressed he was when he realized that he wasn’t going to be one of them!  He then pondered aloud to this father, how sad it would be to live such an unfulfilling life and what do these people do when they are empty-nesters.  I speculated that they’ve already lived such separate lives to that point, that nothing much changes. 

We talked about a man that we know who has been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, who refers to his wife as a room-mate.  Yup, that’s what happens.  That guy goes out to dinner with “colleagues” and friends all the time and leaves the “Mrs.” at home.  And when he is home, he’s having a bottle of wine, a cigar, a glass of cognac and TV.  I have no doubt that he’s had a number of affairs and may have even been in love with a few of them, but always returned home, to his empty, hollow, life.  Why?  I recently read another blogger’s posting and he hit the nail on the head when he said “comfortably numb” is the existence you have.  I think that’s sad.  I’ve always thought that was sad.  It goes hand in hand with the notion that “inaction is as much a choice as action.”

Of course my marriage was not anywhere close to “comfortably numb.”  It was excruciating  and coming to the decision that I would rather be alone and poor, than spend 1 more second with him was  a difficult but necessary one.  My AFFAIRS made my marriage “bearable” or “comfortably numb.”  Maybe that’s what they do – make a mediocre or bad situation tolerable.  Without those affairs, what does everyone have?  A spouse that they don’t much care for?  That they are no longer, if ever, connected to?  Someone they married at a time in their lives because that was the “right thing” to do and what everyone else expected?  What lessons do we teach our children?  I, for one, would never take the moral high ground.  The one thing I can say for sure is that when I cheated on my ex-H, it made me feel alive, loved, wanted, beautiful, desirable.  It was an escape from the rotten marriage.  It “enabled” me to continue in it because all of my needs were being met elsewhere and my ex-h made a good living. 

As the OW, my affair helped me get over a bad period in my life – ending my marriage.  What happened was I hadn’t expected to fall in love with my MM, just use him for sex, use him for the way he made me feel and then move on.

My ex-MM/BF and I were driving from his home to my home on Saturday.  I was so tired, I had to close my eyes.  We were talking about his unfailing need to “always do right” by everyone, that he’s a pleaser and I was so sick and tired of this conversation that I told him:  Yeah, you wanted to do right by everyone but me.  And he replied:  By everyone but ME.  I was surprised to hear him say that.  He then said, that today, he is a completely different person than he was a year + ago.  He then said, through therapy, counseling, reading and me, he has changed.  But then he said something to the effect that if his ex-W hadn’t found his blackberry with all of our texts, it is possible that we wouldn’t be together now as he had been incapable of “hurting” anyone, but that he couldn’t fathom that everyone could in fact survive and thrive if he ended his marriage.  Funny, I reminded him that at our last in person conversation before d-day, I told him that I was done with our relationship, yes, I would let it peter out, but having signed my divorce papers I was going to focus on meeting someone who was available to me – that essentially MM had served his purposes and I was done.  He then asked if we could be friends, to which I laughed and said no.  He then told me that he loves me, wants to be with me but his kids are young, his house is “under water,” he’s unemployed (we all know the drill and litany of excuses).  I told him that I didn’t care what his excuses were and that if I were around when he sorted everything out, then I would be there and if not, too bad for him.  He asked me what he should do.  He asked me whether I was asking him to leave his wife.  I said – I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I’m GOING to do.  Then, 4 days later, we’re chatting on Skype, he’s wearing headphones so he can’t hear anything around him, and loudly proclaims that he loves me, misses me and can’t wait to see me.  “Unbeknownst to him” his mother in law is in the hall eavesdropping, tells her daughter that she suspects MM is having an affair and then . . . we’re off to the races.  I told MM as we were driving in the car, that he exploded his life.  He couldn’t be honest with his W then, or the year before, or the year before that and tell her that he wanted to leave, that he was in love with someone else, BUT he didn’t want to lose me and knew that I was preparing to leave him.  So, he swallowed a grenade.  ****Kaboom****  Shit flew everywhere and decisions were made that didn’t involve him.  In his fear at what he had done, he retreated.  And yet, he was never remorseful.  Yes, he wrote that letter.  Yes, he told me we couldn’t speak.  Yes, he “unfriended” me.  Yes, he took my call.  Yes, he called me and called me and emailed me and told me he loves.  Until . . .

Well, here we are today.  I’ve read lots of my cyber friends’ blogs talking about deleting emails, texts, etc., from their x-MM/MW/AP and while I have even given that advice, CAN’T DO IT.  And I read them, re-read them and re-re-read them.  Will someone come to my home and press “delete”?  The worst part is how horrible I feel when I read them.  How stupid I feel.  How used.  And the list goes on.  The worst part is how they conjure up the hurt all over again.  The unanswered questions, the pleading, fighting, suppressed anger.  I’m right there all over again.  Like deja vu.  🙂

So – flash forward to Valentine’s Day.  And yes, I’ve read everyone else’s accounting.  Man, I burn for you all.  My anger is raw, unrestrained for you all.  When will I stop seeing myself as the “OW” but as the girlfriend?  The significant other?  The partner?  And maybe, if I can tolerate it, the wife?

We went to an “intimacy workshop” for couples.  And it wasn’t about sex, but about connecting, becoming and staying more connected.  The class was given by someone ex-MM/BF knows as a Dojo but who is schooled in other far east schoolings and his partner happens to be a tantra goddess.  What he said was without trust you can’t have intimacy.  I froze.  The “exercise” was to look into your partner’s eyes and radiate the feelings of love you have. I leaned over and asked my ex-MM/BF: “Does Sensei know about us? How we met?  How we came to be?  Where you were?  Where you’ve come from?”  And he said:  Yes.  Trust.  So elusive.  A word we all throw around without thinking.  TRUST.  Do I trust him?  That’s HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I re-re-read my old emails between me and MM, the word “trust” comes up all the time.  After d-day, the texts and emails talk about “trust” – specifically – do I trust him to do the right thing by me?  Do I trust that we are ‘meant to be?’; do I trust that our love is strong enough to get over the obstacles that might confront us? 

Funny, that word.  Trust.

I had affairs during my marriage.  Trust.  I needed those affairs because I had a shitty marriage.  I needed those affairs to help me get over the humps of my life.  Some were emotional.  Some were physical.  And some were both.  I had this last affair with MM because I needed HIM.  Trust.  He had an affair.  Trust.  He sent me a no contact letter.  Trust?  And we talked about trusting each other, trusting our feelings, etc.  Trust.  It’s something we always talk about but something that’s so elusive/

MM and I fell in love during the tenure of his marriage.  Trust

He followed the wishes of his “now ex-W” and there was no contact.  Trust

He hurt me.  Trust

I wonder if I can get past it.

We spoke last night.  I’ve been writing this post for days – starting and stopping; reading and re-reading it and my old emails, chats, texts, etc.  It puts me in a horrible mood.  I’m afraid to hit the “delete” button and don’t know why.  And I told him that last night.  What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me.  What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist.  His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it.  I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to.  You’re an adult, I told him, act like one.  If your parents can’t be respectful of you, what is it you hope to get from them?  And if you can’t defend me to them, then I don’t want a relationship with you.  I refuse to be a secret.  And make no mistake, I told him, I wont stick around.

And here we are today.  Trust?

What’s love got to do with it?

January 9, 2011

I have been reading blogs and blogging and thinking almost all day.  I’m blue.  Maybe it’s PMS.  Maybe it’s not.  I read this quote and had to (re)post it.  Seems to sum up a lot of what we all feel.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  ~Neil Gaiman

It’s Done – Part 3

January 8, 2011

MM signed his final divorce agreement Wednesday, January 5, 2011.   Another date I can add into the timeline of my past 12 1/2 months.

12/4/09 – the last time MM and I made love

12/9/09 – DD

12/10/09 – MM exiled to Florida

[I subsequently learned: 12/12/09 – MM emailing W and writing letter about what a horrible thing he did (and then sharing it with me, looking for ME to help him out of his own words being used against him during divorce proceedings):

I have committed adultery and carried on an adulterous affair.  I can’t imagine your pain.  I am intensely sorry and I now realize how incredibly horrible I was to do this.  But I am not a loser.  If you sincerely believe that I am a loser and was never a good person, then we should consider ending our marriage.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to try and deal with this with you in order to try and repair our marriage.  While I understand that you need time to deal with your pain and anger, I think that we need to get into counseling as soon as possible if we are going to have a chance to make things right.  I don’t think it is enough to get advice from friends and family members or to just reflect on things ourselves.  Professional counselors have training and experience and have helped plenty of people in our situation.  I would like to come home, find a place to stay, and go to counseling with you as soon as possible.
I hope you will give this some consideration.  I love you and I want to prove to you that you can love and trust me.  I also want to make sure that the kids are shielded from what goes on between you and me.

I hope you mean that I need to prove that I know that I messed up and that I will never do this again.  To prove that I love you and recognize the severity of what I did.  I don’t understand you wanting me to prove that I am worth it.  We have been together for almost 14 years.  This was a horrible thing, but it was isolated and stupid and it will never happen again.  If you don’t see my worth as a person who has made a terrible, selfish mistake, but who is a good person, then there are other problems.  I really think that a counselor could help us with this, and the sooner the better.  I would be willing to come up just for the counseling and leave afterward.

I love you.

12/14/09 – the last time MM and I spoke

[12/14/09 – I since learned of the letter that MM wrote W explaining his “bad behavior” and how it was horrible and selfish and will never happen again.  How he loves his w, how they have a “story book” marriage, how he is so sorry and will spend the rest of his life making up for his affair.]

12/28/09 – the last instant message from MM telling me he missed me and was sorry that he hurt me. 

1/12/10 – the “However comma” no contact email from MM and his W

1/26/10 – We spoke — I called to tell him that he was embarrassing me publicly. 

2/5/10 – or thereabouts – after he asked me to travel with him, took his W;

[I since learned: 2/15/10- went to FL with his W and kids and fucked his w in FL for the first time in 14 years]

3/10 – we agreed to see each other, w found out, forbid it and told him they should leave the state;

3/10 – MM took his W to the Caribbean for her birthday and sent me emails telling me how much sleep he got over the weekend and how he couldn’t wait to see me

3/10 – saw MM midway between his state and mine and it was if no time had passed; he resolved to end his marriage.

4/10 – I told MM that I was done with him finally.  He told me he loved me, when his W came home from her vacation he was leaving her.

4/10 – W came home, they had dinner and she raised divorce and he agreed.

. . . . And they are off to the races.

On January 5, 2010 I eulogized MM in my blog.  It was cathartic.  A year later, MM eulogized his marriage to me.  I went to see him on 1/4 and spent the night.  It was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back.  He had to be in court at 8:30 am.  Papers were signed and the divorce is final.  It will be entered by the court in 3 months.  I couldn’t wait for him to be done as I had to get home to pick up my kids from school.  He commented that ex-W wore skinny jeans and big black boots to court and looked like a “$3 hooker.”  Funny to think about.  He wore a jacket, pants and button down shirt.  I told him that in my opinion it epitomized their differences.  She could finally be who she is as, as could he.

I told one of my dear friends that the divorce was final and he asked me how much longer before I ended the relationship.  I laughed, but the thought has crossed my mind.  Where do we go from here.  There’s a lot of water under the bridge.  And when I try to discuss it, MM says:  I don’t want to talk about that now; I don’t want to think about that now.  He’s a perfect Scarlett O’Hara.  Does that make me Rhett Butler?

Good-bye 2010. Don’t let the door knob hit you . . .

December 30, 2010

To all of my cyber friends –

While this has been a horrible year for me, and yes, I cried again tonight over all the mistakes I’ve made and all the fears I have for tomorrow  – all the “should haves, could haves, would haves”  – I am thankful for all of you.  You are all my silver lining to my rain cloud.  The past year + 22 days was unimaginable to me in 2009, 2008 and earlier, yet here we all are.  I hope, for all of us, that 2011 will bring some peace, some respite from the pain.  I, for one, know that not being alone has been healing and cathartic.  To find a world out there of people who understand me, my pain and my experience,  selfishly makes me feel better.  I am thankful to you all.  I read your blogs and I know you read mine.  I could not have made it without you, and that’s the truth.

My wish for 2011 for all of US (non-denominationally):

God, grant us the…
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless

Happy New Year to all of my friends.  Without you, I would not have made it and for that, I am thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.

As my father would say:  Good bye 2010, don’t let the door knob hit you, where the good Lord split you.  🙂

–Susan

What’s Worth Fighting For?

December 20, 2010

MM has an interim separation agreement and is working on the first draft of his final divorce agreement.  He had conciliation (like mediation) and court last week and he and his soon-to-be-ex-wife reached an agreement.  I can’t believe it.  A little more than a  year ago, (376 days ago, but who’s counting) as I’ve been blogging, was d-day; 12/14/09 was the last day we spoke until January 21, 2010.  I can’t believe what has transpired in a year.  I can’t believe when I think of that time, it STILL takes my breath away and I can’t breathe.  I still can’t believe the hurt and yet, MM had conciliation on Monday, December 13 and then drove 4 hours to come to see me.  We were together on 12/14 and I thought about where we were last year . . . but I said nothing.

We’ve been talking about Christmas and New Year’s eve.  He has agreed with his w that she would have the kids for Thanksgiving and he would have them for Christmas – starting Christmas eve through the end of the week.  He has asked me to bring my kids to his state for the Christmas.  I’ve waffled about it especially because my kids are tepid to cold on the idea.  He called me Wednesday, after his shrink appointment, to tell me that his therapist thinks it’s not a good idea.  There is certainly a part of me that agrees but I was angry.  We talked about it and I got angrier.  We decided to wait until we were together this past weekend to discuss it further.  He had mentioned, as I previously blogged, that he was considering going to his parents in Florida for either Christmas or New Year’s which engendered some bad feelings from me.  I tried, unsuccessfully to keep them at bay.  The reason:  historically MM, his W and kids would go to Florida from the day after Christmas (which happens to be his birthday) until New Year’s day.  Since 2007 we have emailed, texted, spoke while he was there and I was in my hometown.  Last year, he was “exiled” to Florida – without w or kids for 2 or 3 weeks (we still haven’t talked about what happened, and not sure when/if we will) and yet, he couldn’t/didn’t speak, email or text me while he was there.  I emailed him; I texted him.  My phone was blocked; my emails were blocked.  I want to vomit when I think about that time and how I felt. 

Finally, we are able to be together on his birthday and on New Year’s and he’s talking to me about FLORIDA!!!!!!  He’s telling me that he agrees with his therapist and Christmas isn’t good so he’s going to Florida!!!!  No discussion about his birthday, no discussion about meeting his kids, no discussion about how we’re going to do that.  Oh yeah – he thinks that sometime in January he’s going to bring his kids to my home and stay for the weekend.  That’s how he is going to introduce us.  ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?!  I wanted to slap him.  I wanted to use his head for baseball practice.  I wanted him to leave; to walk away from me; to never see him again.  And for some reason, my brain lacked a filter and I told him that.  I am angry and hurt.  My kids know him.  He stays in my apartment, he’s vacationed with us, he spent Thanksgiving with us and his kids know what about me?  Nothing.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  He said that his therapist said that the kids would feel badly if they saw that he had a relationship with my kids.  I cut him off and told him that he has no relationship with my kids – they know him, they tolerate his presence, they can co-exist but he doesn’t have a “relationship” with either one of them.  It wasn’t nice of me to say, but it is true.  It was also mean and hurtful for me to say it.  He said to me later, in a quiet voice, that he would like to have a relationship with my kids and would I help him develop one.  It broke my heart.  I felt that I had won, but at the price of being vicious and cruel.  Sometimes I don’t know when to stop myself. 

He told me that we only get one chance to make a good impression with his kids and he wants to do it the right way.  I told him, that no matter what he hopes, I have no illusion that between his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her mother, that the kids will not want to be around me, will not respect me and will forever think of me as the reason why their parents got divorced.  I’m the whore, the bad guy, the reason.  I also told him that his reluctance to introduce me or talk to his kids about me, makes me wonder whether he and I are going to have a relationship down the road.  The biggest reason not to introduce someone to your kids (and believe me I researched this up the ying yang) is that they might not be there in 6 months.  Where the hell am I going?  If I stuck around this long, where am I going to be in 6 months or a year from now?  My best friend asked me today if I thought that I was going to marry MM, that there is no doubt in her mind that he wants to marry me, be with me forever, but I have never said the same about him.  Why is that?  Am I scared to do it or do I think that “marriage” and “forever” are best left for fairy tales?  Meeting his kids puts me in the “forever” category.  I get that.  It’s not that I’ve wanted to meet them as much as I’ve wanted MM to ASK me to meet them, to beg me to meet them, to set up a meeting without me nagging.  It’s not the same when you have to ask. 

I know that things haven’t been ideal and now we are here – the holiday season – again.  What I want is to get rid of the bad memories that are plaguing me this time of year.  So many have blogged about the holidays – when you are the “other” you don’t get that time.  Now I’m not the “other,” I’m actually the partner and I still feel like the “other.”  While I don’t think that this is a good time to meet his kids, I want to have been asked.  I wanted him to want me to meet them.  I’m angry or sad that whether he did or didn’t, he said nothing until I pushed him.

I spoke to MM tonight.  He has his kids.  They’re both sick.  His soon-t0-be-ex-wife has enrolled them in an after school program for 2 days a week at an exorbitant cost of over $1000/month.  Now they’re sick.  MM picked them up this afternoon and brought them to his house.  He was whining that the kids are “home sick” and the home is going to be sold in less than a month.  His daughter complained that the tree wasn’t big enough and not as big as the one that “mom got.”  The ornaments are the old ones, and mom got new ones.  So MM is sad. Depressed.  And lucky me, he shares it.  That’s a bit tongue in cheek – I’m glad he shares it but angry that he thinks I can be sympathetic all the time.  It taps me out.  It’s taking its toll on me.  I can’t listen to it all the time.  I don’t want to hear it anymore.  I’m tired.  The fight that we always have is that he sees the glass as half empty and I see it as half full.  You chose how you live your life.  You can choose to be happy or to be sad.  He seems to make a choice that sucks the life out of me.  I’m tired.  Tired of always being on the receiving end of his questioning, his gloom, his sadness.  I want him to call me and say, while today was hard, it was worthwhile; that he’s excited about the future, as difficult as it’s going to be.  As Dr. Kelso (“Scrubs”) said: Nothing worth having is easy.  And as Andrew Carnegie is accredited with saying: Anything in life worth having, is worth working for. 

Where do I fit in?

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

October 26, 2010

For all the OW out there, what you THINK you want is a fantasy. The reality is not what you want.  It’s always more of the same. 

What we think:  Be a good OW and he will love me more; want to be with me more; will leave his W for me.  The big question is WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS???  It’s not about him!!  It’s about you!!! What do YOU want?  What will make YOU happy?  Who gives a shit about him!!  How do we all come to lose ourselves in the process?  Why do we think what he wants matters???  For goodness sakes ladies, enough of the self pity. 

There are several truths:
1.  Be careful what you wish for

2. Life is long

3.  The grass is NOT always greener on the other side

4.  Be true to yourself, first and foremost.

For all the OW out there in the midst of “no contact” or pining away for their MM – hear me loud and clear –he is human, he is fallible, he is not what you think he is.  All the secrets you kept from him, during the course of your relationship, were kept for a reason – because he couldn’t be there for you.  Not just because he was/is married, but because he is incapable of being there for you.  He is selfish.  He is is egomaniacal.  He is all about himself.  It was not about you.  It was never about you.  It was about him; his needs; his wants; his desires.  And you fulfilled every last one.  Did you ever once let him know what you were REALLY thinking?  REALLY feeling?  What you really want?  Did you get into bed without shaving your legs?  Without brushing your teeth?  Did you take off your make up?  Did you wear your “comfortable” under garments?  Were you ever your REAL self???  Ever?????  If I were a betting woman, I would say, I don’t think so.  Did you lose your temper?  Did you chastise?  Did you NOT apologize????  I doubt it.  I am a very good OW.  I’m a great OW.  I won.  I got my MM to leave his W or maybe his W got him to leave her.  But what you all think and hope for, isn’t the reality of the situation. It is never as good as we imagine it.  Never, ever, ever.

The final truth, take a lesson from your MM:

4. Fantasy is far better than reality.

“Why” is a crooked letter

October 26, 2010

You know how there are times when all you want to do is vent, scream at the top of your lungs, drink a bottle of wine, eat a pint of ice cream, sit in front of the TV but something inside you stops you from doing that.  And you do the responsible thing.  Get up, go to work, make dinner, do laundry, smile, exchange pleasantries.  And you feel like tearing your hair out.  Or ripping his face off.  But you don’t.

I have read a number of posts where the entries have talked about deleting MM’s old emails and how cathartic it was.  I have read them enviously.  I can’t do it.  I couldn’t block his phone and I can’t delete the old emails.  I like to re-read them.  Especially the ones that burn my butt.  I don’t know why.  I have most of our emails from all the pseudonym email addresses.  In the throws of the affair, I used to love to read them over.  The ones telling me how much he loves me, misses me, aches for me.  How I complete him, am his soul mate.  After d-day, and his bullshit no contact email, there were no emails for a while.  I called him towards the end of January to tell him how angry I was that he blocked me on facebook but refused to call him and refused to email him.  If he wanted to speak to me, he could call me.  If he wanted to email me, I would think about responding.   That ended our “no contact” but the pseudonym email addresses persisted.  I didn’t want to call him because I did not want to be portrayed as the crazy OW, and have some sort of restraining order against me.  That wasn’t me.  You don’t want to talk to me, I’m not calling.  That doesn’t mean I wont answer the phone. 

So today, I was looking through some emails.  My favorite is the “However comma I love my wife.”  But then, like a detective, I looked through some more.  The email from him, out of the blue, after we had talked that simply said “IMY”  (I miss you).  The date on that was February 13.  Was that before or after he went to down south with his W and kids to see his parents, while he was “trying to figure everything out” so “we shouldn’t talk that week.”  I found the emails where we talked about making plans to see each other.  Then a few intermittent emails, because he was sick.   Sunday night he writes to tell me that he got a lot of rest over the weekend, but now I know that he went to the Caribbean with his W for her birthday that weekend.  Must be why I got an email at 10:30 am and then not another one until 9:30 pm (when he got home.)   I was able to get angry all over again. 

I saw MM this weekend.  We were talking about funny names.  And he told me that when he was at a resort, he saw someone with a funny name tag.  When I asked him what resort, he said he didn’t want to tell me because I would get angry.  OH HOW RIGHT HE WAS!!!  I told him that I didn’t find anything funny about that time.  That I didn’t want him to raise that fucking weekend trip to me ever again.  That what was “funny” was that he has apologized to everyone but me and that I want a fucking apology.  That what I find “funny” is that he doesn’t ask about who I was dating, seeing, screwing, but that he should rest assured that I wasn’t sitting home, holding my blackberry waiting for it to buzz.  Because, “however comma” I was working on my future. 

Oh, I feel the blood boil, and the anger course through my veins.  Will it ever stop?  I told MM this past weekend, that I need to get it out of my system.  He treated me like I was disposable.  (In fact, I used those very words in an email to him.)  He wrote, in an email, that he was concerned that I shouldn’t hate him for the way he treated me during those months when he was “working on his marriage” and “going to marriage counseling” all the while telling his W that I am his soul mate but telling me that he is in MARRIAGE counseling!!!!  Why else does one go to marriage counseling except to work on their marriage.

Then I found the email where he told me that he told his W, and she agreed, that they should separate.  He was “physically” sick. 

I grew tired of looking at those emails and skipped to the ones that he has since sent me under his real name.  My favorite, as of late, is the 7 page email he sent to his W while in exile immediately after d-day.  I liked reading her email to him, attached to his string of apologies – telling her he loves her, wants her, needs her and their life and how after knowing each other for almost x-teen years he can’t imagine his life without her –  commanding him to write the email (which he obliged her with) and what it should say.  I liked how he referred to our love affair as a “stupid indiscretion” and something he would never do again.  How she yammered on about how he put his marriage at risk by getting involved with another woman, how he jeopardized her health and risked getting STDs, how she was hurt that he told me that he loved me “very much”.   What amazed me as I read (and of course, got angry) was that he never told her to go fuck herself.  He never told her the truth.  He never said to her “You’re right.  I was dishonest with you.  I should have left years ago, but I couldn’t.  Now I’ve met someone else, someone I love deeply, someone I believe is my soul mate.  I’m sorry I hurt YOU, however comma I’m leaving you.”  Why couldn’t he do that?  What was he thinking? 

Why?  Why?  Why?  Will I ever stop asking why?  Will I ever let it go?  Am I capable of letting it go?

When I was a little girl, and I would ask my parents “why”, they would oftentimes give me the non-answer:  “Y is a crooked letter.”  I never understood that it was a diversion, not an answer, never an answer.  Why is a crooked letter.

Easy bake Oven

September 4, 2010

I’ve had a lot to say lately.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading, commenting, thinking and writing.  The blogging community has been very good to me.  It has been a place to publicly vent, to display, solicit and begin to heal.  I have found it to be immeasurably comforting.

I don’t know why, 4 months after MM told me he was getting divorced, 4 months after he came to my town and slept over in my home, in my bed, 4 months after he was able to be with me publicly, 4 months after he started telling people that he was getting divorced, that I’ve been all consumed with the posts, with the bloggers and with writing.  I wonder, subconsciously, what’s going on with me. 

I struggle with how I got to be where I am on September 4, 2010.  Where was I on September 4, 2009?  2008?  Seems a bit blurry.  And did I ever, for a moment, think that THIS is where I would be?  Not in a million years.

I’m frustrated, sad, angry, frightened.  I think about words like “love,” “soul mate,” “other woman,” “married man,”  “discovery day,”  “no contact” and the list is endless.  Worse, sometimes is that it is all-consuming.  I don’t understand how the affair can take up so much of my time.  It’s like damned sink-hole or bottomless abyss.  And yet – my life is so substantially different on September 4, 2010 than it was on September 4, 2009.  And I’m not always sure it is for the better. 

I don’t know what it is that I’m seeking from the other bloggers, the other opinions, the other players in this shitty triangle.  Some small way to move on with my life.  Believe it or not, I envy those who have been able to withstand “no contact” until contact becomes a memory.  I envy those who have committed to their spouses, post affair, and are able to close the door to the life they had or could have had with their “other.”  I feel like I am in limbo – neither the girlfriend or the OW.  I liked being the OW.  It defined our relationship.  There were not expectations.  He had his W at the end of the day, and whatever I did or who I did it with, was never MM’s business.  I had a life that didn’t include him, that didn’t revolve around whether he could come to see me, what time he would leave and whether or not I should make plans.  UGH!  I hate that part of me.  The part that wants to see him at all cost.  The part that refuses to make plans “just in case” he is free.  For goodness sake, be  with me or not.  Commit to me or don’t.  Spend real time with me or go fuck yourself.  Simple.  Easy.  Not.

I got an email from a friend of mine telling me that she has a nice guy to fix me up with.  My best friend has a guy that she wants to introduce me to.  I have a great guy in my own town that wants to see me, that I keep turning away.  For what?  Would I have done that a year ago?  6 months ago?  Or 269 days ago? 8 months and 26 days ago?  6,456 hours ago?  387,360 minutes ago? Or 23,241,600 seconds ago?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love

Seasons of love. Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out,
Tho’ the story never ends
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!

Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love.

“Seasons of Love,” Rent the Musical, music and lyrics by Jonathan Larson.

When I was a little girl I had an Easy Bake Oven.  I remember how neat it was to make the mini cakes, pies, cookies, etc.  It cooked under a lightbulb.  (Wasn’t my mother concerned with salmonella?)  I don’t remember them tasting great, but the idea of them was huge and wonderful.  When my children were old enough I got an Easy Bake Oven for them.  We baked those min cakes.  And you know what? 

 They tasted like shit.

Reminiscing

July 1, 2010

Another year come and gone.  My birthday was 2 weeks ago – Friday.  While not a horrible number (turned 46), I didn’t take it well.  Closer to 50 than to 40, thinking about what I want, where I want to be, where I’m headed, my own mortality.  I don’t know why I took this so badly.  But I did.

MM came to my town for my birthday/for his job.  He’s been very good about doing the traveling so that we can see each other.  He came into town on Thursday late morning and we spent some time together before he had to go to his meetings.  That evening my younger kid was with her father and my older kid had some plans.  We went up to my roof deck in the evening for cocktails and talked about “us.”  What the long term future goals are.  It makes me a little queasy to think about that. 

I sat down the other day and re-read some of my posts.  Wow.  The hurt, the pain, the anger, the betrayal.  The recounting of the conversations, the pseudonym email names, texts.  His inability to call me, talk to me, email me.  His foray into marriage counseling, his no contact – “however comma” – email to me; his w’s marriage wall posts; his trip to the Caribbean for his w’s birthday.  All of it.  And like a horror movie, it all comes flooding back.  How do you get over it?  Do you get over it?  Do you bury it and revisit it at some later point?  I don’t know what you do.  The damage is done.  And it is quite severe.  The trust is broken.  And hard to repair. 

In one of the posts, I recounted that MM told my friend to send his regards to me and when she asked him why he doesn’t tell me himself, he says that he can’t call me and that it’s a long story.  Hmmm, was there a gag over his mouth?  Were his fingers broken so he couldn’t dial the phone?  Was he incarcerated without access to any form of communication?  Can’t???  What the hell did that mean?  That he would be punished for disobeying someone’s (a/k/a his w’s) rules?  And what would that punishment have been?  Yelling?  Fighting?  No more sex?  I’m perplexed when I think about it.  And angry.

“I hurt you and I am sorry.  However comma I love my wife and I love my family. I need to work on repairing the severe damage I have done to my family.  Please respect that.”  I didn’t delete that email.  It wouldn’t matter if I did.  The words are burned into my brain.  However comma.  It still makes me want to choke him.  I don’t care who dictated it.  I don’t care who wrote it.  I care that it came from his email address, to me.  Do I think that he clicked the send button?  I don’t care.  I care that he sanctioned it.  I care that he went to marriage counseling to  . . . do what?  Save his marriage?  End his marriage?  Work on figuring out what happened?  Or to appease his w and go back to the way things were.  I remember back in March, when I was in his town, and we were going to see each other, but his w found and he asked her if she wanted him to cancel meeting me, and she said yes, and so, he cancelled.  I remember him telling me that she wanted him to move away.  To leave the industry that we work in, and to move to another state.

I remember how I felt being disconnected from him on the social networking sites, from his email, cell phone, home phone.  And when I think about that, the pain is there.  Less raw, but still there.

I started this post on June 23 and have picked it up again this evening.  I’m in a bad place tonight.  MM is still getting divorced; still telling me he loves me, still coming to see him.  That is until we spoke today.  MM got fired this past Thursday.  It was nothing he did, per se, just a resurrection of the mess that followed him from his last company (where we worked together.)  Of course I have plenty to say and believe that he is more than partly responsible, but at this point we’ve discussed it a million times, hind sight is 20/20, etc.  He came to see me this past weekend and stayed until Tuesday morning.  He went to see his divorce lawyer today to see what could be done about speeding things up a bit, and discussed the inequity of the fact that he has no “alone” time with the kids as his W is always home, except when she’s out on a date and for him to see me, he has to come to my town.  The lawyer told him that he needs to spend as much time with the kids as possible if he thinks there is going to be any sort of custody fight.  This means that he wont be coming to see me anytime soon.  Which of course, resulted in me being more than a bit angry.  Things are the way they are (he’s living in the basement, his mother-in-law is living in their home without contributing anything financially, and he’s the babysitter when his w is out on dates) because he did nothing!  Because he’s a passenger in his own damn life.  So, as he and I discussed numerous times, both of my kids are away for the next 7-8 weeks, he has no apartment, now no job and we wont see each other until his kids go for a couple of weeks to see his parents in Florida.  And he tells me that he needs to “lay low” since his W is working and essentially supporting him now.  Lay low?!?!?!  Are you that big of an ass?  (That’s a rhetorical question, of course.)  I could barely contain myself.  And the worst part, was we had this conversation about an hour before a hugely important interview that I was going on.  He told me to not be angry, not think about this because he wanted me to have a good interview, blah blah blah.  I told him that it wasn’t his concern what I did or how I handled anything as I had managed, quite successfully, over the past 46 years without him, or his concern.

So – where is all this rambling going.  I don’t know.  I see all of his weaknesses, his inability to decide, his inability to be pro-active, strong, his inability to be affirmative, all magnified 1000x.  He cried the other night – great sobs – over the mess that his life has become — no job, no family, no kids.  And I wanted to smack him.  Your life has been a mess for years.  It is now just overt.  No more sweeping things under the rug; everything is out in the open.  Like his facebook profile picture that his mother made him post – the happy nuclear family – without the adulteress other woman in the photo – everyone smiling happily for the camera.  What a fucking joke.  Except I’m not laughing. 

So as the summer is about to kick off, I held off making plans since MM and I anticipated spending time together.  Again, he has let me down, and like the pathetic OW,  I’m second best.  Still.  I didn’t take care of myself first.  (Anotherother1 – are you paying attention).  Like Florence Nightingale, I’ve been there to comfort MM over the loss of his family (who is that, by the way?  His w?), his job, his kids and yet when both of my kids left, there was no time for me to be sad, because MM was crying.  When my work situation changed dramatically, there was no time to discuss it, because, well . . . it wasn’t about him.  Well – hell no.  This isn’t going to work out.  This isn’t for me.  This is what I feared most.  That all the things I knew about MM were one day going to fall 100% to me.  I used to think, after we would spend a couple of days together on the road, that I was glad that he was going back to his W, that she was going to have deal with his crap and not me.  Now look at how good she has it.  She has the king size bed to herself, since her husband is sleeping in the basement.  Her mother has the guest room.  And whenever she wants to go out and get laid she has her husband at home as the babysitter, since his girlfriend lives in another state and his lawyer said he shouldn’t visit her.  She comes and goes as she pleases, lives in a lovely, big house with a pool.  Her husband loves to vacuum, go food shopping, do laundry and clean the kitchen and take the kids to all of their activities, all the time.

And me?  No plans. . . . . yet.

Friday night it was late
I was walking you home
we got down to the gate
and I was dreaming of the night
would it turn out right
how to tell you girl
I want to build my world around you
tell you that it’s true
I wanna make you understand
I’m talking about a life time plan.
That’s the way it began
we were hand in hand
Glen Miller’s Band was better than before
We yelled and screamed for more
and the porter too
made us dance across the room
it ended it all too soon
and on the way back home
I promised you, you’ll never be alone.
Hurry don’t be late,
I can hardly wait
I said to myself when we’re old
we’ll go dancing in the dark
walking through the park and reminiscing
(Barry Manilow)