Posts Tagged ‘separate’

What’s Worth Fighting For?

December 20, 2010

MM has an interim separation agreement and is working on the first draft of his final divorce agreement.  He had conciliation (like mediation) and court last week and he and his soon-to-be-ex-wife reached an agreement.  I can’t believe it.  A little more than a  year ago, (376 days ago, but who’s counting) as I’ve been blogging, was d-day; 12/14/09 was the last day we spoke until January 21, 2010.  I can’t believe what has transpired in a year.  I can’t believe when I think of that time, it STILL takes my breath away and I can’t breathe.  I still can’t believe the hurt and yet, MM had conciliation on Monday, December 13 and then drove 4 hours to come to see me.  We were together on 12/14 and I thought about where we were last year . . . but I said nothing.

We’ve been talking about Christmas and New Year’s eve.  He has agreed with his w that she would have the kids for Thanksgiving and he would have them for Christmas – starting Christmas eve through the end of the week.  He has asked me to bring my kids to his state for the Christmas.  I’ve waffled about it especially because my kids are tepid to cold on the idea.  He called me Wednesday, after his shrink appointment, to tell me that his therapist thinks it’s not a good idea.  There is certainly a part of me that agrees but I was angry.  We talked about it and I got angrier.  We decided to wait until we were together this past weekend to discuss it further.  He had mentioned, as I previously blogged, that he was considering going to his parents in Florida for either Christmas or New Year’s which engendered some bad feelings from me.  I tried, unsuccessfully to keep them at bay.  The reason:  historically MM, his W and kids would go to Florida from the day after Christmas (which happens to be his birthday) until New Year’s day.  Since 2007 we have emailed, texted, spoke while he was there and I was in my hometown.  Last year, he was “exiled” to Florida – without w or kids for 2 or 3 weeks (we still haven’t talked about what happened, and not sure when/if we will) and yet, he couldn’t/didn’t speak, email or text me while he was there.  I emailed him; I texted him.  My phone was blocked; my emails were blocked.  I want to vomit when I think about that time and how I felt. 

Finally, we are able to be together on his birthday and on New Year’s and he’s talking to me about FLORIDA!!!!!!  He’s telling me that he agrees with his therapist and Christmas isn’t good so he’s going to Florida!!!!  No discussion about his birthday, no discussion about meeting his kids, no discussion about how we’re going to do that.  Oh yeah – he thinks that sometime in January he’s going to bring his kids to my home and stay for the weekend.  That’s how he is going to introduce us.  ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?!  I wanted to slap him.  I wanted to use his head for baseball practice.  I wanted him to leave; to walk away from me; to never see him again.  And for some reason, my brain lacked a filter and I told him that.  I am angry and hurt.  My kids know him.  He stays in my apartment, he’s vacationed with us, he spent Thanksgiving with us and his kids know what about me?  Nothing.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  He said that his therapist said that the kids would feel badly if they saw that he had a relationship with my kids.  I cut him off and told him that he has no relationship with my kids – they know him, they tolerate his presence, they can co-exist but he doesn’t have a “relationship” with either one of them.  It wasn’t nice of me to say, but it is true.  It was also mean and hurtful for me to say it.  He said to me later, in a quiet voice, that he would like to have a relationship with my kids and would I help him develop one.  It broke my heart.  I felt that I had won, but at the price of being vicious and cruel.  Sometimes I don’t know when to stop myself. 

He told me that we only get one chance to make a good impression with his kids and he wants to do it the right way.  I told him, that no matter what he hopes, I have no illusion that between his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her mother, that the kids will not want to be around me, will not respect me and will forever think of me as the reason why their parents got divorced.  I’m the whore, the bad guy, the reason.  I also told him that his reluctance to introduce me or talk to his kids about me, makes me wonder whether he and I are going to have a relationship down the road.  The biggest reason not to introduce someone to your kids (and believe me I researched this up the ying yang) is that they might not be there in 6 months.  Where the hell am I going?  If I stuck around this long, where am I going to be in 6 months or a year from now?  My best friend asked me today if I thought that I was going to marry MM, that there is no doubt in her mind that he wants to marry me, be with me forever, but I have never said the same about him.  Why is that?  Am I scared to do it or do I think that “marriage” and “forever” are best left for fairy tales?  Meeting his kids puts me in the “forever” category.  I get that.  It’s not that I’ve wanted to meet them as much as I’ve wanted MM to ASK me to meet them, to beg me to meet them, to set up a meeting without me nagging.  It’s not the same when you have to ask. 

I know that things haven’t been ideal and now we are here – the holiday season – again.  What I want is to get rid of the bad memories that are plaguing me this time of year.  So many have blogged about the holidays – when you are the “other” you don’t get that time.  Now I’m not the “other,” I’m actually the partner and I still feel like the “other.”  While I don’t think that this is a good time to meet his kids, I want to have been asked.  I wanted him to want me to meet them.  I’m angry or sad that whether he did or didn’t, he said nothing until I pushed him.

I spoke to MM tonight.  He has his kids.  They’re both sick.  His soon-t0-be-ex-wife has enrolled them in an after school program for 2 days a week at an exorbitant cost of over $1000/month.  Now they’re sick.  MM picked them up this afternoon and brought them to his house.  He was whining that the kids are “home sick” and the home is going to be sold in less than a month.  His daughter complained that the tree wasn’t big enough and not as big as the one that “mom got.”  The ornaments are the old ones, and mom got new ones.  So MM is sad. Depressed.  And lucky me, he shares it.  That’s a bit tongue in cheek – I’m glad he shares it but angry that he thinks I can be sympathetic all the time.  It taps me out.  It’s taking its toll on me.  I can’t listen to it all the time.  I don’t want to hear it anymore.  I’m tired.  The fight that we always have is that he sees the glass as half empty and I see it as half full.  You chose how you live your life.  You can choose to be happy or to be sad.  He seems to make a choice that sucks the life out of me.  I’m tired.  Tired of always being on the receiving end of his questioning, his gloom, his sadness.  I want him to call me and say, while today was hard, it was worthwhile; that he’s excited about the future, as difficult as it’s going to be.  As Dr. Kelso (“Scrubs”) said: Nothing worth having is easy.  And as Andrew Carnegie is accredited with saying: Anything in life worth having, is worth working for. 

Where do I fit in?

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It’s Done, Part deux

May 13, 2010

How do I feel is a big question. 

I never asked him to leave his wife for a number of reasons.  I didn’t want to hear him say no and I didn’t want to hear him say yes.  I kept myself emotionally distant and found many reasons why not to be with him.  I could have stayed as the “other woman” forever, through other relationships, through another partnership.  I don’t know why I felt that way.  I was able to be more objective and critical than one would expect.  We’re very different, he and I.  He’s very much my opposite.  I think he takes a lot of strength and courage from me.  He’s learned a lot from me and I have learned from him.  The friends that I’ve discussed him & the affair with think I should re-evaluate.  More specifically, they think, in the long run, he’s not for me.  I’ve talked about competition – I couldn’t stand the idea of losing.  I told him, the last time we were together, on December 4, 2009, that I was going to move on.  I wasn’t emailing him quickly or returning his calls.  I was finding reasons to not travel to see him.  But when his wife found out about us, he cut me out completely.  Of course she told him to do it, but still, it was horrible.  I was stunned.  And what I thought about, over and over was the idea that I would lose.  Why wouldn’t he pick me?  That’s what went through my mind.  Not the endless thoughts that my life was over but that I was going to lose.  I hate losing.  Like you can’t even begin to imagine.  I’m all about the competition.  It doesn’t even matter what the prize is at the end. 

It took me months to think about what I felt and to even tell anyone about my feelings.  And I wonder if my feelings grew because the relationship was over, because I had lost and I could romantacise it and it was safe to say things, because I wouldn’t have to commit to anything.  (I think that maybe I’m not good at committing either.) 

I started the relationship for selfish reasons.  He was in love with me for a long time before anything happened.  I knew it and didn’t care.  I liked being loved like that.  It was obvious to everyone.  I was going through a horrible time with my divorce and this guy loved me – thought I was smart, funny, kind, beautiful on and on.  My ex told me and treated me like I was garbage.  Quite a dichotomy.
 
If a married person doesn’t leave for the “other” person in an affair within the first 6 months, they don’t leave.  I didn’t expect him to leave.  We talked about all the reasons why he couldn’t do it.  That was fine.  It made me bitchy from time to time.  I dated.  I flirted.  I wasn’t always alone.  I didn’t tell him.  Ever.  He had some funny rules about that.  I heard them.  No one makes rules for me like that.  I hate that.  It suffocates me.  So, I’m confused, to say the least.  I blogged, I cried, I moved on.  I tried to move on.
 
He said some mean things to me and wrote some cruel emails to me when we weren’t allowed to speak to each other.  I knew the genesis of them and the reasons for them coming to me, but we didn’t speak to each other for 2 months.  Not a word.  Not an email – except the ones his wife drafted to me.  He unfriended me on everything, blocked my phone numbers, emails, etc.  I’m sure you can imagine.  So – psychologically I started to move on.  This, now, blows my mind.  How do I feel?  I’m confused.  I’m distrusting.  I’m not really sure.

So,  I went to see him a couple of weeks ago in his town.  We stayed at a lovely hotel.  It was the first time that we touched since December 4, 2009.  All of time and space disappeared.  It was incredible to see him.  To hold him.  To touch him.  To be held and touched by him.  It was as if no time had passed.  He cried.  I wanted to hold him.  And then I wanted to slap him.  Why was he crying if he was with me.

Why?  MM is struggling with his demons – about his “failed” marriage, raising his children, having a relationship with someone far away, his parents, siblings, etc.  He’s sad.  I understand.  I’m impatient.  I should be more supportive.  I’m very supportive.  I’m impatient.  I loathe self pity.  I hate myself for wallowing in it, when I’m there.  His wife retained a lawyer.  It made him sad.  His wife is on match.com.  It made him sad. (She’s a narcissist.)  She wrote that she’s “separated”.  It made him sad.  She asked for the divorce.  Poor, pitiful, victimized him.  Snap out of it.  Are you kidding!!  I understand.  I told him to talk to a lawyer in December.  He didn’t.  I told him to speak to his wife, years ago, about how unhappy he was.  He didn’t.  He’s the ultimate passive.  He hurt me in December – when he turned his back on me because he was freaked out at having been “caught”, again in January – when he wrote me a horrible, cold email (“However comma”), February – when he was going to try and work things out in his mind without me and then took his family to Florida the week we weren’t speaking, and in March – when he was bullied into taking his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 2 days before he was going to see me and not telling me before/after he went, but I found out about it.  How could he tell me that he loves me and treat me like that?  How could he tell me, that when the shit hit the fan, that he was concerned about doing right by everyone – and everyone didn’t include me?  How could he tell me that he wants to spend his life with me, and treat me like that?  How could he think that I forgive him so quickly?  I don’t.  When I think about it, I want to kill him.  He has a long road to hoe and my sympathy sometimes is not forthcoming. 

He told me that he felt horrible when his wife told him that he caused her pain.  Guess what?  He hasn’t said that to me.  Or apologized to me.  I guess I’ll get over that.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  What I understand about MM is that he’s weak and I’m strong.  Ultimately, I’m afraid that I might destroy him. 

Or worse, that I will trust him and he will hurt me.
 
So I’m confused.  There’s a lot to think about.  I withheld plenty from him – emotionally and personally.  I didn’t talk to him when my divorce got really horrible and ugly.  I retreated and said nothing.  I didn’t want him to see me cry.  That’s reserved for the friends who will be there at a moments notice.  For someone that can make me feel better or simply just be there.  And he wasn’t that person, because he was married to someone else.  Where do I go with that.  If I were to trust him, would I be making a mistake?  Should I?  Am I capable of that? 

He’s sleeping in the basement.  He’s not wearing his wedding band.  They told the kids that they are getting divorced.  He came to my town last weekend to be with me.  We slept in my bed, held hands, walked the dog, bought ice cream, watched tv.  We talked.  It was really incredible to just be normal.  To not be a secret. 

I’ve yelled at him a number of times.  I’m angry still and hurt still.  I can’t help but bring up the time when we weren’t speaking.  The time that he took his wife to the Caribbean and not me; that he talked to mutual friends and not me; that his life continued without me.  He hopes that his mother will like me.  He can’t wait to introduce me to his friends.  He’s excited and happy to be able to tell people that he loves me, freely and honestly.  I’m reserved.  I’m wary.  I’m concerned.  I’m nervous.  I’m afraid.  I’m not sure.  Affairs are one thing.  Relationships are something else.  How do you move from being a secret to not being a secret?  From being second, to being first?  From being a friend, to being a partner?

There is so much to talk about.  So many issues to discuss.  So much time ahead of us.  It’s scary.  It’s exciting.