Posts Tagged ‘kiss’

What’s love got to do with it?

January 9, 2011

I have been reading blogs and blogging and thinking almost all day.  I’m blue.  Maybe it’s PMS.  Maybe it’s not.  I read this quote and had to (re)post it.  Seems to sum up a lot of what we all feel.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  ~Neil Gaiman

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It’s Done – Part 3

January 8, 2011

MM signed his final divorce agreement Wednesday, January 5, 2011.   Another date I can add into the timeline of my past 12 1/2 months.

12/4/09 – the last time MM and I made love

12/9/09 – DD

12/10/09 – MM exiled to Florida

[I subsequently learned: 12/12/09 – MM emailing W and writing letter about what a horrible thing he did (and then sharing it with me, looking for ME to help him out of his own words being used against him during divorce proceedings):

I have committed adultery and carried on an adulterous affair.  I can’t imagine your pain.  I am intensely sorry and I now realize how incredibly horrible I was to do this.  But I am not a loser.  If you sincerely believe that I am a loser and was never a good person, then we should consider ending our marriage.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to try and deal with this with you in order to try and repair our marriage.  While I understand that you need time to deal with your pain and anger, I think that we need to get into counseling as soon as possible if we are going to have a chance to make things right.  I don’t think it is enough to get advice from friends and family members or to just reflect on things ourselves.  Professional counselors have training and experience and have helped plenty of people in our situation.  I would like to come home, find a place to stay, and go to counseling with you as soon as possible.
I hope you will give this some consideration.  I love you and I want to prove to you that you can love and trust me.  I also want to make sure that the kids are shielded from what goes on between you and me.

I hope you mean that I need to prove that I know that I messed up and that I will never do this again.  To prove that I love you and recognize the severity of what I did.  I don’t understand you wanting me to prove that I am worth it.  We have been together for almost 14 years.  This was a horrible thing, but it was isolated and stupid and it will never happen again.  If you don’t see my worth as a person who has made a terrible, selfish mistake, but who is a good person, then there are other problems.  I really think that a counselor could help us with this, and the sooner the better.  I would be willing to come up just for the counseling and leave afterward.

I love you.

12/14/09 – the last time MM and I spoke

[12/14/09 – I since learned of the letter that MM wrote W explaining his “bad behavior” and how it was horrible and selfish and will never happen again.  How he loves his w, how they have a “story book” marriage, how he is so sorry and will spend the rest of his life making up for his affair.]

12/28/09 – the last instant message from MM telling me he missed me and was sorry that he hurt me. 

1/12/10 – the “However comma” no contact email from MM and his W

1/26/10 – We spoke — I called to tell him that he was embarrassing me publicly. 

2/5/10 – or thereabouts – after he asked me to travel with him, took his W;

[I since learned: 2/15/10- went to FL with his W and kids and fucked his w in FL for the first time in 14 years]

3/10 – we agreed to see each other, w found out, forbid it and told him they should leave the state;

3/10 – MM took his W to the Caribbean for her birthday and sent me emails telling me how much sleep he got over the weekend and how he couldn’t wait to see me

3/10 – saw MM midway between his state and mine and it was if no time had passed; he resolved to end his marriage.

4/10 – I told MM that I was done with him finally.  He told me he loved me, when his W came home from her vacation he was leaving her.

4/10 – W came home, they had dinner and she raised divorce and he agreed.

. . . . And they are off to the races.

On January 5, 2010 I eulogized MM in my blog.  It was cathartic.  A year later, MM eulogized his marriage to me.  I went to see him on 1/4 and spent the night.  It was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back.  He had to be in court at 8:30 am.  Papers were signed and the divorce is final.  It will be entered by the court in 3 months.  I couldn’t wait for him to be done as I had to get home to pick up my kids from school.  He commented that ex-W wore skinny jeans and big black boots to court and looked like a “$3 hooker.”  Funny to think about.  He wore a jacket, pants and button down shirt.  I told him that in my opinion it epitomized their differences.  She could finally be who she is as, as could he.

I told one of my dear friends that the divorce was final and he asked me how much longer before I ended the relationship.  I laughed, but the thought has crossed my mind.  Where do we go from here.  There’s a lot of water under the bridge.  And when I try to discuss it, MM says:  I don’t want to talk about that now; I don’t want to think about that now.  He’s a perfect Scarlett O’Hara.  Does that make me Rhett Butler?

D-Day Revisted or The more things change . . .

December 8, 2010

On December 9, 2009 at 7:06 pm I received the following text: 

“Hi — I know about you and my husband. – Wife”

It feels like yesterday and it has been a year.  A long, miserable, shitty year.  I have gone back,  on the eve of my anniversary to re-read, from the beginning, some of my posts.  The pain was excruciating.  I remember it like it was yesterday and yet it was 364 days ago.  The anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the feeling like a fool, the feeling of being betrayed and not chosen.  After 364 days, our outward labels have changed, but sometimes I feel as if that’s all that has changed. 

Where we were and where we are:

1.  MM & w living “happily ever after” in their lovely 3000 sq. ft. home with in ground pool, mother-in-law, 2 children, dog and all the while MM was 3 years into a love affair – emotionally and physically.

Today:  MM has rented a house.  I helped him settle in this past weekend.  He’s not moving in yet, because his stupid wife filed a motion for temporary support and a visitation schedule while they are still living under the same roof.  The advice he got from everyone (including me) was to stay put until after they have their conciliation/mediation meeting and until after the date for the motion is heard.  There will be nothing to decide at that time.  She’s stupid.

2.  MM’s w was obsessed with the details of our relationship – how often we made love/fucked/had sex; did he wear a condom; how selfish he was to have strayed outside his marriage and put his darling wife at risk for STDs.  So, she got tested for STDs.  The tests of course came back clean.

Today:  MM told me that when his w was at work, he wanted to clear out the remainder of his things from the master bedroom/bathroom and found a prescription that his W had for Valtrax.  I didn’t know what it was and he briefly explained and I looked it up on the internet, that it is for genital herpes.  Uproariously funny!  She has herpes.  Oh, life is rich.  I have a friend who says “the world is round”.  I love that.  Of course, I said to MM, should I go and get tested for STDs.  It was a bit tongue in cheek, but it was a stab at the fact that he was fucking his w in February.

3.  I hadn’t met his kids or the rest of his family

Today:  I still haven’t met his kids.  I still haven’t met the rest of his family.

4.  We didn’t spend the holidays or other important events together.

Today:  MM spent Thanksgiving with me, my kids, my parents.  It was an agreement that he made with his W – she would have them for Thanksgiving this year and he would have them for Christmas – from 12/24 at 10:00 pm through the week.  He invited me and my kids to spend Christmas with him and the following day is his birthday.  We haven’t spent the holiday/birthday together.  I put off seeing a friend from California so that we could be together for Christmas and New Year’s – not the entire week but days/nights during the last 10 days of the year.  MM told me this weekend that he may take his kids to Florida to see his parents during part of that time and then yesterday he asked what would I prefer – Christmas OR New Year’s?  I thought my head was going to explode!  I blew off a friend of mine so that we could be together and he was blowing me off!  I could not have been angrier with myself. 

And then it got better.  How, you must be wondering, could it get any better.  MM told me that w suggested they have Christmas morning together – so that the kids could “come down the stairs” and they could open their presents together – like one-big-happy-family.  While I don’t think that’s a good idea for a million different reasons, he told me that it’s not about him and w but about the kids and Christmas and that if that would make them happy, then he didn’t care if is W was leaving 5 minutes later to “fuck her boyfriend,” he would do this for his kids.  OF course, he was supposed to have his kids, in his new home for Christmas morning.  He had invited me and my kids to join them.  Like a fool, I already mentioned this to my kids.

Then:  Second best. 

Today:  Second best.

Then:  Stupid and self-delusional

Today:  Stupid and self-delusional

Funny how the more things change the more they stay the same.

Addiction

November 12, 2010

I have a friend who works in a hospital helping addicted people – mostly teens, but anyone with an addiction.  The other night we spoke about heroine, methadone and what it does to quiet the need for other.  My understanding is that methadone quiets the receptors that call for the heroine, thereby diminishing the need/urge/addiction.  I asked my friend that if we can quiet those receptors in the brain, why we can’t use methadone to help other addictions.  For example someone addicted to alcohol, or shopping or food or going to the gym or is in love with a MM?  Why if we can use methadone to quite the “needy” receptors in someone’s brain and cause them to refrain from shooting heroin, couldn’t we find something to, let’s say, quiet the brain’s need to be in love with a married man?

My MM has kept me up to speed on every single gory detail about his divorce.  I know that I’ve written about that, but it never ceases to amaze me.  I know about the discovery demands and responses, the deposition testimony, the acrimony about dividing up the personal property and on and on and on.

There’s something interesting in a relationship with a MM (and I don’t mean boyfriend.)  While we, the OW, accept their position as married, from my perspective I didn’t find the ugly green monster of jealousy rise too much to the surface.  Every once in a while it would bother me.  In fact, for the most of my relationship with MM, I didn’t ask him whether he and his w were having sex.  I didn’t want to think about it and so I didn’t ask.  I knew that it was infrequent, if at all and he told me more than once that he was more married to me that way, than to her.  I remember him telling me the last time he and his w had sex was in October 2008.  That when she would initiate, he would say he was tired or something.  I wasn’t having sex with anyone else during that time – but went out on dates, kissed, held hands, thought about it, but nothing further.

MM was in town for business this week.  I have the flu.  So off he went to work, and I stayed in bed.  He has left some clothes here, some papers, some toiletries – to establish an existence here while he prepares to move out of his house and into a new home – like a dual residency.  He empties out his suitcase and puts his stuff in drawers in my home.  He put his bag on the window sill and I went to move it to close the window and noticed that there was “stuff” inside the bag.  It turned out to be papers, folders of his legal/matrimonial action.  I’ve seen all of the documents – he has forwarded everything to me.  Except the deposition transcript.  Which was in the bag.  Which screamed at me to read it.  So, whether I should have or shouldn’t have, I did.  And I didn’t like what I read.  While I knew he was questioned extensively about the infamous apology letter he wrote to his w, during his exile, I didn’t know how much effort he put into “fixing” his marriage, making it work, atoning for the sins of his affair, apologizing for putting his family at risk and everything he loves (none of it was me, of course) and how very stupid and selfish he was, how very much he loves his w more than anything.  What I learned was that he took her to the holiday party at his new company (from which he has since been fired) and stayed at the same hotel that he and I would stay in when I would come to his town; that he brought her on a business trip to another state that he had ASKED ME TO GO WITH HIM TO, in February 2010, that up until July or August, he and his w would share a bottle of wine.  That a month before the deposition (in September) he was still, albeit rarely, continuing to look at on-line pornography/women.   But the one thing that I saw, shoved into the transcript was a piece of paper with his hand written notes, detailing all of the sexless vacations they had and how even when they were intimate, there was no connection, that whenever they would go south to stay with his parents they NEVER had sex EXCEPT THIS PAST FEBRUARY 2010, DURING OUR NO-CONTACT PERIOD.  Actually, it was worse than that – he had been emailing me and calling me and then, out of the blue, he told me that he had to think things through but that I was complicating things and he needed to do this on his own.  That was the week he was down south with his parents, fucking his wife.  I can’t get it out of my head.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  I’m so angry I could explode.

I went and re-read emails that we were exchanging during that “no contact” period of time.  Almost every email started with “I hope you will forgive me for the way I behaved” or “I’m sorry that I hurt you and realize how much I love you, need you and want to be with you” or “I don’t want you to resent me for what I have to go through, but I’m doing this so that I can be stronger” or “I don’t want to resent you for doing something that I’m not ready to do” or “I’m sorry for . . . .”  Ironically, he wrote a multi-page email telling his wife how sorry he was for the “stupid mistake” he made by falling in love with me. 

What I know about MM and what I have since learned about him are as follows:

1.  He’s weak – he does what everyone tells him to do (except me, of course)

2.  He’s a pleaser – he wants everyone to like him and he can’t stand when anyone is angry with him

3.  He’s not as a smart as I thought or as well-rounded as I thought – but, on the upside he seems more amenable to changing than I thought he would be

4.  He’s weak

5.  He is insecure

6.  He is naive and childlike

7.  He doesn’t have a very good head for business, but can retain a tremendous amount of information

8.  He’s weak

9.  He’s cheap – but I wonder if that’s (a) because he was married and couldn’t spend his money on me or else she would find out; (b) has been unemployed since June; or (c) because that’s just what he is.

10.  He’s unimaginative in bed.  He’s a good lover but uninspiring.

11.  He’s a liar – aren’t all MM who have affairs, liars?  Don’t they have to live double lives in order to be with someone other than their wives, their families.  Why would I think that if he could lie to his w for all those years, that I’m the only one that he’s honest with.  What a big ego I must have to think that way.  How delusional I must be to think that way.  How addicted I must be to think that way.  I wonder if I were to get an injection of methadone, whether that would help the receptors in my brain behave more clearly.

One last Breath

October 14, 2010

Yesterday I told my MM that I’m not happy.  Specifically, I told him that he isn’t making me happy.  I was so angry that I was seething.  (Ironically, I haven’t been this angry in ages, yet every time I write about him, it is because I’m angry.)  He went to look at apartments today.  While that should be making me happy – so we can finally have a place to be together, and he wont always have to come to my town – it made me angry WHERE he was looking.  We had discussed that we didn’t think it prudent that he and his soon-2B-exW live in the same town, on top of each other.  She will likely have primary custody.  She also said that she is going to stay in the same town where they currently live and the kids will go to the same school(s).  That being said, he lives in an area where there are towns 5, 10, 15 minutes away that are familiar to his kids and close enough but not too close, where getting to/from school/activities will be fine.  He raised this.  Not me.  I agreed.  Today – he’s looking in the same town as his soon-2B-ex.  I flipped.  For the simple reason that this is what he does – says one thing and does something else.  He’s been interviewing for a job that he got that will be 100% commission.  I don’t think he should take it.  For solid, definable, legitimate, well thought out reasons.  He’s taking it.  I told him, that it’s not my life.  He should live where it is most convenient for him, his kids, his W and if it works for me then fine.  And if not, not.

He told me that his realtor told him that his W is close to signing a lease for an apartment/house/condo.  I was shocked.  The house hasn’t been sold and if she moves out she certainly can’t take the kids with her.  And there’s not parenting schedule/agreement.  She’s close and he just started to look.  Defines who and what he is.  Passive.

He told me that he doesn’t think that I’ve been supportive.  I thought my head was going to explode.  I have been the singularly most supportive person of him.  What I told him was that quite the opposite – not only has he not been supportive of me, but he hasn’t been there for me and that he’s selfish.  And that perhaps we shouldn’t see each other anymore.  It knocked the wind out of his sails.  I’m concerned that I said it, that I meant it and that I haven’t felt comfortable with my retraction. 

I was yelling at him – about the fact that while I have no income, he hasn’t paid for anything (and not to sound ridiculous, his unemployment benefits are almost double mine).  He said that he drove 4 hours to see me and that I was angry that he didn’t stay.  I countered that I was angry that he didn’t tell me in advance that he couldn’t stay longer so I would not have changed my plans.  And that the prior time we got together, I drove 4 hours to see him, AND paid for the hotel, despite the fact that I own my home and pay a mortgage.  He paid for dinner.  Who gives a shit.  He asked me to join him and the realtor to look at places and I rejected that out of hand and he never would have done that – he would have joined me.  I told him that in order for me to “join him” I would have to make 2 days worth of child care arrangements, meals, dog-care arrangement and that unlike him, I’m a single mother with no other adult in my home.  I don’t get to go to the gym, even at the ungodly hour of 6:15 am because then there is no one home to wake the kids, get them ready for school, make lunch and take the little one to school.  I don’t get to “go for a run” at 2:00 pm on Saturday when I have my kids (1 of which I have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year as she is completely estranged from her father – not complaining, I love her and would cut out my heart for her, just stating a fact) because they have activities, responsibilities, etc. and if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t happen.  So, “joining him” at 2pm to look at apartments in the middle of the week, doesn’t work.  Of course we went round and round until there was nothing left to say.  Unfortunately, this is a discussion we’ve had in the past and I have no doubt, one that we will have again.  When he apologized, he said:  I guess I’m just a terrible person.  I told him that was a cop-out thing to say.  I added, bitchily, that if that’s the case, he could write me a 10 page apology letter telling me why he’s a terrible person, like he did for his W.  I told him that I didn’t buy it.  He just needed to take off his blinders and stop being so self absorbed.  LOL.  Let’s see the likelihood of that happening.

MM’s W has been incredibly aggressive with their divorce schedule.  She hired expensive lawyers, despite the fact that there are no assets and has spent in excess of $30,000 – almost half of it on her credit card.  A couple of weeks ago her lawyers deposed MM.  Most of the deposition was focused on his relationship with me – how we met, the first time we were together, how often we saw each other, whether he had been with anyone else.  She told him this weekend that she figured since he was under oath, it would be good time to find out the details of his life.  Sounds fairly sick to me.  I have read other blogs about the betrayed spouse learning details of the affair and none of it ends nicely.  To what avail?  Is it going to undo the past?  Is it going to make things as they were before?  Or are you going to replay the stories in your head over and over and over.  I certainly fall into the latter category.  One blogger posted that since the discovery of her husband’s affair she has found herself physically ill.  I can imagine.  And she posts that she and her husband are doing well, reconciling and moving forward with their marriage.  If that were truly the case (and hope for her sake that it is), then why is she sick?  Why can’t she get past it?  Would she have been better off not knowing the details that she does and replaying a silent movie in her head over and over.  We all think that we want to know, but the adage “ignorance is bliss” is true.  What we don’t know can’t hurt us.  I don’t want to know.  I want to know every last detail.  I can’t always reconcile those competing thoughts.

MM confides everything in me.  As I was walking into the supermarket last night, he called to tell me that he had planned to go to his class last night but his W stormed into the house, told him she was going out and then promptly left him with the kids.  Not my problem.  Of course she’s simply confirming for him, that our affair was justified, that he’s moving in the right direction, as long as it is away from her.  I should send her a thank-you note.  Of course I should have sent one years ago.  Being the self centered narcissist that she is, the affair was easy – for all concerned. He could text me 100s of times a day when he was home, because she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  We could travel/go anywhere we wanted and she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  Her husband was absent and she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  And then has the nerve to be the outraged betrayed spouse.  At  what point, if ever, will she take responsiblity for her failed marriage.  The affair was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back; the camel was the dysfunctional, miserable, sexless, selfish marriage.  For as angry as I’ve gotten with MM over the past couple of months, one of the many things that he’s committed to is not recreating his marriage or past relationships.  Having meaningful discussions and arguments, resolving issues and moving on, not letting things fester is something that he’s never donle before.  While new and discomforting, he’s willing to do it.  Fighting, arguing, disagreeing, doesn’t mean that you dont dislike someone or that you don’t love them anymore.  It’s  a revelation to him. 

Amazingly, after d-day, MM’s W was obsessed with whether he wore a condom and getting STDs.  Of course he didn’t wear a condom and STDs was not an issue – for either of us.  That notwithstanding, she insisted on getting tested.  I can’t imagine what she was thinking.  The last time they had sex was October 2008.  The time before that, April 2008.  The time before that – sometime in 2007.  If she caught an STD, it would have manifested well before January or February 2010, unless she were fucking someone else.  In fact, since they’ve decided to divorce, she’s posted “fuck-me” bikini clad photos on match.com and has bed hopped from guy to guy.  It appears that she now has someone who she’s been screwing since June but he’s not the first, the second or even the 3rd. And she likes to sleep over, and return home at 4:00am.   As happily married as she claimed to be (according to MM, the morning of d-day she told her mother that she had never been happier with he life and marriage) she hasn’t spent a minute “mourning” the end of her marriage.  She has been to busy trying to find a “boyfriend.”  Funny thing was she kept telling MM that she was going out with “the girls” and coming home at 4:00 am.  Naively, he assumed that was true.  Her entire life she never had any friends – neither male nor female – and now, all of sudden she has a posse.  And MM was gullible enough to believe her.  In fact, after d-day, she called HIS friends, his parents, his sisters – and told him that was because she didn’t have any friends.  How very pathetic.  And now, given an opportunity to make friends, develop meaningful relationships, she is simply 1000% focused on getting a boyfriend.  MM told me a story that years ago, they lived on cul-de-sac.  Most of the husbands were friends and most of the women were friends.  They would have bbq’s together, take yoga classes, golf, etc.  While MM was included, his W was NEVER included.  He asked her to try to make an effort and so she went to a yoga class with them once.  They never asked her again.  She said that MM wouldn’t understand since it was a “girl thing” and that women for the most part, are bitches.  One of the neighbors that he would run with, every morning, had a 40th birthday party.  EVERYONE on the block was invited except them.  Speaks volumes, doesn’t it?  Meanwhile during their separation, MM has gone to concerts with friends, dinners with friends, drinks with friends as well as spend time with me and my friends and his friends.  How sad and lonely for his soon-2B-ex.

A little ranting, a little raving makes me feel a little better.  Struggling like everyone else to find the right answers, to move forward with my life, not backwards.  And to be happy.  I was reading someone else’s blog this week and he talked about Passion.  Aren’t we all looking for that passion – that special something that lights a fire in you.  I remember telling my older daughter that was what I wanted for her — to find something that she was passionate about, that burned a fire in her, that she craved to do and that fulfilled her.  She has found that something.  Lucky her.

I thought I found it, but now am not sure.

I love this Creed song, One last Breath and it has been playing in my head lately.  Captures some of what I’ve been feeling:

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe

One Last Breath, by Creed.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury . . .

August 30, 2010

It’s been almost 2 months since my last post but I have been thinking about writing for weeks. 

It’s an interesting thing to think about – what happens when MM gets divorced, ends his marriage and winds up with OW.  Is that what she really wanted?  In the harsh light of day, is he really the one that she wants?  If she could go back to the starting board and erase everything, would she pick him again?  Would he pick her?  And what do you do with all that water under the bridge?  With the hurt feelings?  With the betrayal?  With the months of no contact?  With his efforts to reconcile with his W?  When he was more interested in holding on to his life, his wife than to you?  Where losing you was maybe not ideal, but was ultimately bearable?

My MM’s divorce is proceeding.  It feels like it is taking forever.  I have been privy to every little nuance.  I know more than I ever wanted to know.  (Actually, I want to know it all – every single last detail.  What I have come to learn about myself is that there are things I should know, things I should speculate about and things that I should never know.)  Once I know something, I can’t get it out of my mind.  It’s like that absurd instruction the judge gives the jury in those stupid legal-eagle movies:  “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please disregard what the witness just said.”  ARE YOU INSANE?  How can you ever un-hear something?  Un-see something?  Un-feel something?  And what do you do with that knowledge once you have it?

My MM retained a lawyer in May, AFTER his W retained her lawyer.  He thought it would be amicable, that they could reach an agreement as to visitation, equitably/evenly divide their assets and move on.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  Yes, friends, he must be one of the stupidest humans alive.  His W is rip, roaring angry!  She is going to take him to the cleaners and doesn’t care who she hurts along the way.  When they “discussed” their divorce, initially, his W said that it would be lovely if for Christmas we could have a little blended family – her, him, their kids, her mother, me, my kids.  HA HA HA HA.  I had pains in my stomach from laughing.  Not MM.  He thought she was serious.  Dumbass.  So now she’s out to extract a pound of flesh.  The letters fly fast and furious from her lawyer to his about not “dissipating marital assets” on his girlfriend (me), not inviting to me his home when she’s away or she’ll get a restraining order; that he shouldn’t introduce me to his kids (which he hasn’t but which is setting her brain on fire just contemplating it), where he’s thinking of living once the divorce is final and the impact on their parenting arrangement, and the list goes on.  He, meanwhile, is living in their basement, sleeping on the pull-out sofa.  Tonight he was angry.  Why?  Because his W and her mother took the kids shopping and he had marinated chicken to barbecue for dinner tonight for everyone.  Boo fucking hoo.  Why would you be having dinner with your soon-to-be-ex-W and her mother?  How often do you have these lovely “family” dinners?  Does that seem odd to anyone else but me?  When my ex and I agreed to divorce, and had retained lawyers, I don’t think that we “broke bread” together afterwards.  Dumbass.

For all those MM out there who whine about the depreciating value of their homes and why now isn’t a good time to sell or leave their wives for the women that they love (OW), my MM and his W are doing a short sale and that seems to be moving along.  Of course, once the house is sold, he has no where to live.  And I’m a 4 hour drive.  And he doesn’t want to be that far from his kids (who I haven’t met).  Unlike some of my fellow Florence Nightingale OW, I don’t feel the overwhelming need to rescue him.  In fact, what I need is for him to stand on his own 2 feet.  I want a partner.  Not another child.  I want someone who can contribute to my life and make it better.  Not someone who is going to suck me dry.

MM lost his job a couple of months ago and although he’s been looking, his search has been unsuccessful.  (Are all you OW getting more jealous by the second?  😉 )  It would be funny if his W has to pay him support/maintenance until he finds something.  The downside is, that he has no income.  And letters from his W’s lawyer cautioning him about spending marital assets on me.  So, when we are together, I pay.  He is appreciative and talks often about how he will repay me.  I’m resentful.  He’s a drain.  He’s a drag.  He’s an anchor.  (Yes, AO1, I have my own.)  I’ve thought about that often.  I want to be with someone who elevates me, doesn’t suffocate me, contributes and doesn’t always take.  It is hard to run, let alone walk, with this heavy boulder around my ankle.  He talks about taking care of me, about doing things for me.  It is sweet.  It is talk.  Actions speak louder than words.  I have borne witness to his actions and his words over the past 9 months, not to mention the 2 1/2 years before that too.  Words are low on my totem pole of Love Languages.  “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please disregard what the witness just said.”  Even judges find words to be meaningless.

So, I’m floundering a bit these days.  I know that the shit-hit-the-fan with MM and his W because of our affair.  I believe that MM needed to divorce his W years ago, when we first met, and talked about his marriage and mine.  I don’t like thinking that any of this is FOR me or BECAUSE of me.  MM needs to own his behavior, take responsiblity for his actions and decisions, as does his W.  We can’t spend our entire lives being reactive and passive.  Or worse – weak.  There is nothing I abhor more than the weakness.  I have said to MM that he needs to stop seeing himself as a victim and he told me that he sees himself as a villain, the perpetrator of the bad.  WOW!  That seems inconsistent with his whoa-is-me attitude.  The heavy sighing, the depression, the fatigue.  I’m running out of patience.  I have my own problems and issues these days, but never, once did I just sit back and feel put-upon, sorry for myself and completely helpless.  It is exhausting to deal with someone like that.  I don’t know how much more I have in me.  In fact, I’m glad that he lives far away.  The sex is great, but the rest of it . . .   When I was in college the joke was:  A great woman turns into a pizza after a sex.  I like mine with onions and sausage.  🙂

One of the comments from my last post was to put down everything I like/don’t like about MM.

OK, Here’s my list:
What I like about MM:
1. That he looks at me like I’m the most amazing, beautiful, smart, wonderful, sexy, incredible person in the world and there isn’t anything I can’t accomplish when he looks at me like that.

2. Sex

3.  He’s funny, smart, knowledgeable, kind

4.  Sex

What I don’t like about MM:

1.  He’s self-absorbed (Is that temporary or permanent)

2.  He’s sarcastic

3.  He’s needy, weak, spineless, gutless; a passenger in his own life

4.  He lives 200 miles away and his kids have a lot of emotional and learning issues (are they genetic or environmental; will they go away with proper help or are they here to stay)

5.  He’s a creature of habit

What do I do with that list?  What do I do with the thoughts swirling around in my head about them.  Do the good things outweigh the bad things?  Are the bad things insurmountable?  Do I want to live with them?  Would I choose them?  I remember back in November I was ending my relationship with MM and then ****KABOOM**** everything exploded.  I needed answers, closure, my ego in tact.  It was a horrible time.  All of a sudden I found myself  wanting someone that didn’t want me, regardless of how I initially felt.  That part seemed irrelevant.  It was all about my ego.  Now what?  What do I do?  Where do I go?  What do I think? 

Hey, uh huh huh
Hey, uh huh huh

What I like about you, you hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one, wanna come over tonight, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you

What I like about you, you really know how to dance
When you go up, down, jump around, think about true romance, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you (3x)

What I like about you, you keep me warm at night
Never wanna’ let you go, know you make me feel alright, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you (2x)
That’s what I like about you (whispered) (4x)

The Romantics

I’m thinking about having pizza for dinner tonight.

Reminiscing

July 1, 2010

Another year come and gone.  My birthday was 2 weeks ago – Friday.  While not a horrible number (turned 46), I didn’t take it well.  Closer to 50 than to 40, thinking about what I want, where I want to be, where I’m headed, my own mortality.  I don’t know why I took this so badly.  But I did.

MM came to my town for my birthday/for his job.  He’s been very good about doing the traveling so that we can see each other.  He came into town on Thursday late morning and we spent some time together before he had to go to his meetings.  That evening my younger kid was with her father and my older kid had some plans.  We went up to my roof deck in the evening for cocktails and talked about “us.”  What the long term future goals are.  It makes me a little queasy to think about that. 

I sat down the other day and re-read some of my posts.  Wow.  The hurt, the pain, the anger, the betrayal.  The recounting of the conversations, the pseudonym email names, texts.  His inability to call me, talk to me, email me.  His foray into marriage counseling, his no contact – “however comma” – email to me; his w’s marriage wall posts; his trip to the Caribbean for his w’s birthday.  All of it.  And like a horror movie, it all comes flooding back.  How do you get over it?  Do you get over it?  Do you bury it and revisit it at some later point?  I don’t know what you do.  The damage is done.  And it is quite severe.  The trust is broken.  And hard to repair. 

In one of the posts, I recounted that MM told my friend to send his regards to me and when she asked him why he doesn’t tell me himself, he says that he can’t call me and that it’s a long story.  Hmmm, was there a gag over his mouth?  Were his fingers broken so he couldn’t dial the phone?  Was he incarcerated without access to any form of communication?  Can’t???  What the hell did that mean?  That he would be punished for disobeying someone’s (a/k/a his w’s) rules?  And what would that punishment have been?  Yelling?  Fighting?  No more sex?  I’m perplexed when I think about it.  And angry.

“I hurt you and I am sorry.  However comma I love my wife and I love my family. I need to work on repairing the severe damage I have done to my family.  Please respect that.”  I didn’t delete that email.  It wouldn’t matter if I did.  The words are burned into my brain.  However comma.  It still makes me want to choke him.  I don’t care who dictated it.  I don’t care who wrote it.  I care that it came from his email address, to me.  Do I think that he clicked the send button?  I don’t care.  I care that he sanctioned it.  I care that he went to marriage counseling to  . . . do what?  Save his marriage?  End his marriage?  Work on figuring out what happened?  Or to appease his w and go back to the way things were.  I remember back in March, when I was in his town, and we were going to see each other, but his w found and he asked her if she wanted him to cancel meeting me, and she said yes, and so, he cancelled.  I remember him telling me that she wanted him to move away.  To leave the industry that we work in, and to move to another state.

I remember how I felt being disconnected from him on the social networking sites, from his email, cell phone, home phone.  And when I think about that, the pain is there.  Less raw, but still there.

I started this post on June 23 and have picked it up again this evening.  I’m in a bad place tonight.  MM is still getting divorced; still telling me he loves me, still coming to see him.  That is until we spoke today.  MM got fired this past Thursday.  It was nothing he did, per se, just a resurrection of the mess that followed him from his last company (where we worked together.)  Of course I have plenty to say and believe that he is more than partly responsible, but at this point we’ve discussed it a million times, hind sight is 20/20, etc.  He came to see me this past weekend and stayed until Tuesday morning.  He went to see his divorce lawyer today to see what could be done about speeding things up a bit, and discussed the inequity of the fact that he has no “alone” time with the kids as his W is always home, except when she’s out on a date and for him to see me, he has to come to my town.  The lawyer told him that he needs to spend as much time with the kids as possible if he thinks there is going to be any sort of custody fight.  This means that he wont be coming to see me anytime soon.  Which of course, resulted in me being more than a bit angry.  Things are the way they are (he’s living in the basement, his mother-in-law is living in their home without contributing anything financially, and he’s the babysitter when his w is out on dates) because he did nothing!  Because he’s a passenger in his own damn life.  So, as he and I discussed numerous times, both of my kids are away for the next 7-8 weeks, he has no apartment, now no job and we wont see each other until his kids go for a couple of weeks to see his parents in Florida.  And he tells me that he needs to “lay low” since his W is working and essentially supporting him now.  Lay low?!?!?!  Are you that big of an ass?  (That’s a rhetorical question, of course.)  I could barely contain myself.  And the worst part, was we had this conversation about an hour before a hugely important interview that I was going on.  He told me to not be angry, not think about this because he wanted me to have a good interview, blah blah blah.  I told him that it wasn’t his concern what I did or how I handled anything as I had managed, quite successfully, over the past 46 years without him, or his concern.

So – where is all this rambling going.  I don’t know.  I see all of his weaknesses, his inability to decide, his inability to be pro-active, strong, his inability to be affirmative, all magnified 1000x.  He cried the other night – great sobs – over the mess that his life has become — no job, no family, no kids.  And I wanted to smack him.  Your life has been a mess for years.  It is now just overt.  No more sweeping things under the rug; everything is out in the open.  Like his facebook profile picture that his mother made him post – the happy nuclear family – without the adulteress other woman in the photo – everyone smiling happily for the camera.  What a fucking joke.  Except I’m not laughing. 

So as the summer is about to kick off, I held off making plans since MM and I anticipated spending time together.  Again, he has let me down, and like the pathetic OW,  I’m second best.  Still.  I didn’t take care of myself first.  (Anotherother1 – are you paying attention).  Like Florence Nightingale, I’ve been there to comfort MM over the loss of his family (who is that, by the way?  His w?), his job, his kids and yet when both of my kids left, there was no time for me to be sad, because MM was crying.  When my work situation changed dramatically, there was no time to discuss it, because, well . . . it wasn’t about him.  Well – hell no.  This isn’t going to work out.  This isn’t for me.  This is what I feared most.  That all the things I knew about MM were one day going to fall 100% to me.  I used to think, after we would spend a couple of days together on the road, that I was glad that he was going back to his W, that she was going to have deal with his crap and not me.  Now look at how good she has it.  She has the king size bed to herself, since her husband is sleeping in the basement.  Her mother has the guest room.  And whenever she wants to go out and get laid she has her husband at home as the babysitter, since his girlfriend lives in another state and his lawyer said he shouldn’t visit her.  She comes and goes as she pleases, lives in a lovely, big house with a pool.  Her husband loves to vacuum, go food shopping, do laundry and clean the kitchen and take the kids to all of their activities, all the time.

And me?  No plans. . . . . yet.

Friday night it was late
I was walking you home
we got down to the gate
and I was dreaming of the night
would it turn out right
how to tell you girl
I want to build my world around you
tell you that it’s true
I wanna make you understand
I’m talking about a life time plan.
That’s the way it began
we were hand in hand
Glen Miller’s Band was better than before
We yelled and screamed for more
and the porter too
made us dance across the room
it ended it all too soon
and on the way back home
I promised you, you’ll never be alone.
Hurry don’t be late,
I can hardly wait
I said to myself when we’re old
we’ll go dancing in the dark
walking through the park and reminiscing
(Barry Manilow)

Response: It’s all about Me

June 10, 2010

MM talks about marrying me all the time.  This isn’t a new conversation but the urgency is new.  I have told him a million times that I don’t want to get married again.  I have more than enough reasons to feel that way.  My 19 year marriage (which includes the 2 years it took get divorced) was not a good foundation.  It was difficult to get out of, something I never should have done in the first instance and to be honest, I like not being married.  I fear all the traps of marriage – complacency, boredom, taking the other person for granted, the bickering, fighting, and no sex.  I’m not going to have any more children and there doesn’t seem to be any tax advantage to being married anymore.  I have my insurance, my own 401(k), my own home, my own car, my own life.  I would, however, like a partner.  MM NEEDS to be married.  He NEEDS to be taken care of.  He NEEDS to know that he is half of a relationship.  I worry as we enter into the next phase of our relationship, that he may not be enough for me.  That his passivity will grow old and tedious.  My fear is that our differences, which are nice when we live apart, will break us apart when we live together. 

As a single mother, full time worker, I thought, that during my marriage I was responsible for everything.  There were some things that I didn’t do, because I didn’t like to — like taking care of the car, worrying about auto/homeowner’s insurance, anything in the house that needed fixing/maintenance; and taking care of the finances.  I have since learned the thrill of something as small as going to the hardware store, buying  the right bulb, and then putting it in.  Or of comparing auto insurances to make sure that I got the best rate.  MM hasn’t been on his own since college.  He can’t be.  I don’t think that he would survive.

He wants to wear my ring.  I told him I would buy him a ring he could wear.  I can’t imagine getting married again.  I don’t want to mother his children, I don’t want to mother him, I don’t want to run interference for him and his parents.  I want someone who will be my equal.  Not my boss, not my task master, not my slave driver, but someone who will be equally capable of doing those things for me.  And I doubt that MM can do them.  Yes, he can do laundry, clean the kitchen, take out the trash, but in the emotional department, he’s so needy it frightens me.  I call it weakness.

As he stood there being chastised by his w, by his mother, by his “friends” about his affair, me, whatever you call it, he thought a million things and said nothing.  He said nothing.  He told me his thoughts.  But to them – he said nothing.  Again, the thought that crossed through my mind was – who is he protecting. 

This swirled around in my head and a couple of days ago, I called him on it.  I told him that he needs to defend me.  If he wants to be with me, then he  has to start to defending me.  I asked him why he said nothing and he told me that he feels his w needs to take her share of the responsibility for the downfall fo their marriage and her comments about me were directed at him and had nothing to do with me.  ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?!?  I told him that I didn’t give a shit about him, her, their marriage, why it failed.  What I cared about and care about is ME.  He should not permit people to say horrible things about me, if he loves me.  I pity the person that would throw a barb at someone I love.  I wouldn’t stand there silently, like my 10 year, muttering and cursing in my head. 

The conversation circled to MM’s parents.  They don’t call him to see how he’s doing;  they call his w.  When he told his father that his W had retained a lawyer, his father responded that he was glad that W took his advice, finally.  MM was aghast and his father responded — what would you do if it were your daughter?  Again, MM said nothing.  He stood by silently.  He relayed this story and I told him 3 things:  (1) Unless your parents can apologize to me and treat me like the good person that I am, I don’t want to meet them, see them or have a relationship with them; (2) W is NOT their daughter, YOU are their son; and (3)  they have no respect for you.  He said NOTHING.  WHY NOT?!?!?!

I have a married “friend” who I’ve been emailing and we’ve developed an amazing, honest, open relationship.  His marriage is difficult now and certainly my life – is complicated, messy, confusing.  I asked him the other day why he isn’t honest and open with his wife the way he is with me and what would happen to our respective relationships if we were to be completely open/honest now.

He wrote:

I think in the proper setting, if we shared (the thoughts that we have expressed in many of) these emails with our respective partners it would change the relationships for the better. 
 
To some extent, I have started doing that.  As you know, the results have been mixed, but my execution has been shoddy.  However, there are signs that things are a little better.  As you have said, we probably need a safe haven for the heavier issues.  I withhold because I am judged.  I withhold because it prevents conflict.  I withhold because I want to be intimate.  I am not withholding as much anymore and it’s hurting and it’s helping. 
 
I understand your not sharing your shit with MM when you were going through your divorce because he was with someone else and could not be there for you fully (only at his convenience).  Why else?  Were you overthinking it?  Maybe you withheld because you simply wanted to enjoy the moment(s) with him.  He was your escape.  You did not want to rehash the issues that were swirling around you.  You did not need him to be that person.  It seems like you are no longer withholding.  It seems like you are moving to a healthier place.
 
You are supporting him.  You are there.  You are waiting for him to step-up.  He needs to find someone else to work through the shit; and when he is with you, he needs to be with you.  He needs to set it all aside and work on making you happy.  Work on understanding why he is with you and, to a large extent, prove that he wants to be with you.

I wrote:

You can sum up why you withhold in one thought:  because if you told the truth, maybe she/he wouldn’t like/love it/me/us.  And once the words are out, you can’t take them back.  The children’s rhyme about sticks and stones is completely off the mark.  It is the words that can hurt you and from which it is difficult, if not impossible to heal.  
 
It is rare that you can be completely open and honest with someone.  It is when you have nothing to lose that it is easiest.  We could be honest with each other because it didn’t matter, in the grand scheme of our respective lives, what we thought (initially).  There was nothing to lose and nothing really to gain.  You’re married and I’m in a messy situation.  We weren’t looking for something as high staked as love, being loved, being valued, cherished, admired, adored.  Just someone to talk to. (Quite the reason & season).  So there was no guile.  No deceit.  If I liked you, then that was fine.  And if not, that would be fine too.  That’s why you keep saying it would be easier if I were dumb.  Because when people date or have some kind of investment in the future, they are cautious, they only want to show their best side.  Why is that?  Because the other side isn’t so nice and maybe if that side were visible, then the relationship wouldn’t happen/wouldn’t succeed and would fail.  Like the saying that you don’t really know someone until after you’re married.  Why is that?  

I’m sad for you that you haven’t shared with your family the extent to which we’ve become friends.  I understand why that has to be, but wouldn’t it be great if you could share some of the things we’ve discussed?  I tell my kids about you and my friends of course.  But I haven’t shared with MM the extent to which we’ve become friends.  I don’t think it’s any of his business.  Or that he’s entitled to all those parts of my life.  He knows nothing about what I did during the time we weren’t speaking.  He hasn’t really asked.  So I withhold.  To protect myself.  Isn’t that why you withhold, in the bottom analysis?

So MM must withhold for the same reasons.  He says nothing/withholds because: (1) he doesn’t want to hurt anyone (present company excluded); (2) he’s afraid of how people (i.e., his W, mother-in-law, mother, father, friends — again, NOT me) will see him — he doesn’t want to be judged.  Yet, he tells me.  But he doesn’t defend me.  He shares his outrage with me.  Yet tells me it’s not about me.  He tells me he is depressed, he is hurt, he is angry.  Yet he does nothing to take care of himself.  Or me. 

I have always maintained my confusion about MM, about whether I love/loved him; whether I wanted him or whether it was my ego at not being chosen when the affair was discovered.  I thought over the years that I was glad that his W had to deal with his daily shit and not me.  I blogged more about my ego than about my feelings.  I blogged that I was breaking up with MM, I was getting ready to move on in December when our affair was discovered and it changed the tenor of our relationship, the tenor of my feelings, the ability to control things the way I want them.  I wanted to be the one to end the relationship.  Not him.  Not his W. I was pulling away from him — physically and emotionally.

This morning I woke up feeling guilty.  Guilty that MM exploded his life and ever since, has been a passive passenger allowing the shitstorm to swirl around him, while he was helplessly caught in the middle.  Guilty that he has put all of his eggs in my basket.  (To hear him say that if it weren’t for me, he would still be in his marriage, makes me queasy.  Worse, his W wouldn’t allow that.)  Nauseous that he wants to marry me.  I like him.  I even love him.  I like that he lives 4 hours away.  I like that I don’t see him every day.  I’m not so happy when he talks about getting a place together.  I don’t want to support him – financially.  I want him to pay for his own home.  I want him to pick up the tab.  I want him to DO for me.  I think I’m entitled to that.  And if it’s not going to come from him, I’m going to find it somewhere else. 

I don’t think that MM would reconcile with his W, although I’ve been surprised to find I was wrong before.  It’s not that I don’t think he wouldn’t come back to her, with his tail between his legs, if it doesn’t “work out” with us; it’s that I don’t think she would ever take him back.  She’s a narcissist.  Her ego is so bruised and damaged that the only thing she knows how to do is move on.  She’s not a nurturer.  She’s not warm.  She’s not kind.  She’s not gracious.  She’s my ex husband.  She’s not emotionally devastated by the affair or the end of her marriage.  She’s embarrassed.  She’s humiliated that she has to go to school as a single mother, that she’s not half of a couple (regardless of the penis on the other end).  She and MM were perfect together.  Neither one cared about the other – except by title:  MY wife, MY husband, OUR home, OUR kids, etc.  Proprietary.  Comfortable.  And they both did their own things and went their own ways because the one thing they never were was friends.  They were room-mates.  She was happy with her life, like my ex was happy with his life – beautiful home, beautiful wife (:-) ); beautiful kids, etc.  She was in a similar boat.  It wasn’t about more than the trappings.  Because underneath the shell, it was empty.  She didn’t notice because she didn’t care.

I’ve questioned whether I’m his sloppy second.  I haven’t really talked about whether I’m settling when it comes to him.  All of my friends who know him, know me have said that he’s good for now.  He’s good for me because he’s the opposite of my ex.  He’s a good transition guy.  He’s not the right guy for me in the long run.  And that all the little noises in my head that make me question the relationship should have their own bull-horns.  I should listen to those voices.

So while it is romantic to think about the MM “picking” the OW, it’s not what anyone imagines it to be.  Thinking about “our” place; wondering about relationships with each other’s kids; taking vacations together; planning a future together, etc. is exciting but feels more than a bit unreal.  The explosion of the affair was cataclysmic.  There is a lot of debris all over the place.  It is difficult to clean it up.  I’m wondering if it is impossible.  I’m wondering if that’s what I want to do.  After all, it’s all about me.

 

Where do I go?

May 22, 2010

I saw MM this past week 2x.  We had a great time.  We golfed, made love, made love, slept and then got to do it all over again the next day.  We had a wonderful business meeting on Wednesday evening and on Thursday I walked with MM to his W’s lawyer’s office where he picked up the complaint that his W filed against him for divorce.  Despite the conversations they’ve had about preserving whatever little assets they have, and being co-petitioners, she borrowed almost $8,000 from her mother and sued him for divorce.  Asking for the sun, the moon and the sky.  Of course, he’s freaked out.  About the demand (unrealistic and ungrantable as it may be) and the cost of an attorney and how litigation will take whatever little money they have.  He watched me go through a horrible, acrimonious divorce, but at a minimum, I could “afford” it.  (Even though it ate through my savings, for me, it was worth every penny.)  He’s freaked out. 

I spoke to him on Monday about seeing him this weekend – I offered to drive to his town.  He gave me a non-answer and on Friday, at 4:30 told me that if I still wanted to make the drive, he would like to see me from 3:00 pm on Saturday until 9:00 am on Sunday because his W was going to be spending the day with some of her new-found man-hating friends on Sunday.  I didn’t even answer him.  Until today.  When I answered, I told him – forget it.  I asked him to spend the weekend  with me; I was free from Friday until Monday morning and he said nothing until he found out his w had plans.  If he’s going to see me out of spite, I don’t want to see him.  If he’s going to be reactive to her, don’t see me.  I’m an affirmative choice, a first choice or else I’m no choice.  I asked him: What if you were the one with plans on Sunday and not her?  What if you were the one that made plans on mother’s day and not her?  What if you were the one that had a date last Friday and not her?  Are you going to spend the rest of your life babysitting for her?  Being shit on by her?  Am I going to take a back seat to her?  The answer to the last question is – NO.  Not in this fucking lifetime, my friend. 

He’s meeting with his lawyer on Tuesday.  I get that he’s anxious.  But for goodness sake, stop being a doormat.  The most interesting thing is that he lives in a state where you can get a no-fault divorce – a divorce on irreconcilable differences, irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.  Incredibly, his w sued him and alleged no fault and in the alternative pled “cruel and inhuman treatment” (the most common “fault” divorce grounds) and did not allege adultery.  I wonder why she did that.  My ex accused me of adultery with someone who he named (not MM) and someone who I wasn’t having even sleeping with. The most incredible thing is that I live in state where adultery is a ground for divorce AND a CRIME.  I’m surprised that she didn’t allege those grounds.  MM is hung up on the cruel and abusive treatment ground.  I told him that it is nothing and if that if anyone has grounds to plead that, it is him.  She hit him, she pushed him into the wall, she yelled at him and exiled him and he did nothing.  When I think about those times, it makes my blood boil.  When I think about what he did, what he put up with, that he said nothing, did nothing, it makes me angry.  It makes me so angry that I wonder sometimes, when I think of it, whether I’ll be able to get over it.  Whether I’ll be able to look at him and think better of him. 

It is that ultimate question: did he pick me or did he simply allow his w to decide.  In my heart I think it is the latter.  In my heart, as I think that it is the latter, it will not be good for a future relationship with him.  Because I don’t want to think, as I’ve written relentlessly, that he didn’t choose me.  I want to be chosen, not a fall back, not a second.  If his W hadn’t asked for the divorce, would he have?  If she hadn’t filed/sued him for divorce, what would he have done?  I know the answers but I don’t like thinking about them.  I’m good at self deceit but only for a limited period of time.

As I face the future, I’m concerned – about his neediness; about my lack of trust; about his remorse; about my anger; about his guilt; and finally about my intolerance and impatience.

Where do I go?  What do I do?

Where do I go?
Follow the river
Where do I go?
Follow the gulls

Where is the something?
Where is the someone?
That tells me why I live and die

Where do I go?
Follow the children
Where do I go?
Follow their smiles

Is there an answer
In their sweet faces?
That tells me why I live and die

Follow the wind song
Follow the thunder
Follow the neon in young lovers’ eyes

Down to the gutter
Up to the glitter
Into the city
Where the truth lies

Where do I go?
Follow my heartbeat
Where do I go?
Follow my hand

Where will they lead me?
And will I ever
Discover why I live and die?

Why do I live?
Why do I die?
Tell my why
Tell me where
Tell my why
Tell me why

Hair; Macdermot, Galt; Rado, James; Ragni, Gerome

Truth or Dare

May 15, 2010

I’m obsessed with MM’s W’s profile on the internet dating site.  (Anotherother1 are you out there laughing your ass off?)  I know I shouldn’t be, but I can’t help myself.  I’m sure it’s not surprising that I created a pseudonym (of a man), in her town, with amazing (a/k/a unrealistic) attributes, so I can stalk the hell out of her on-line.  What is wrong with me??? 

MM was traveling for business this week.  He asked me to go, but I couldn’t.  Also, I didn’t relish the idea of being in a hotel room without a business reason of my own, waiting for him to come to me, have sex with me and then go to work.  I’m not that kind of woman.  He was upset that when he got home his W had taken his kids somewhere and she knew that he wanted to spend time with them.  Not that it would have mattered to her, because she had “plans.”  He was speculating to me that she was going on another date with the same guy she went out with on Mother’s Day, rather than being with her kids.  I asked him why he cared.  Wasn’t she simply proving him right?  He didn’t love her, hadn’t loved her, hadn’t been with her since October 2008, and what she was doing was proving to him that they weren’t even friends, that they didn’t have, hadn’t had a good relationship or friendship and that she was moving on.  She is going to tackle dating as if it were a job.  She’s attractive.  She’s smart.  She has a good job.  She’s exactly like my ex husband – she’s a narcissist.  I hope she moves on.  I hope she finds someone else.  I hope . . .

This is what I know of her first hand, second-hand and third hand.

His wife is a bully – just like my ex.  She’s a social climber – like my ex.  She’s concerned about outward appearances and what everyone else thinks and says – like my ex.  If only she knew.  I had no expectation about having any feelings, other than friendship for my MM.  I told him that what I did on the road when we were traveling for business together, was no one’s business, that I was getting divorced.  We had a huge fight in town because I was kissing some guy in a bar.  MM still brings that up.  He made “rules of the road.”  Mostly about me not taking off with someone else when we were together.  I had a big family party on 6/2/07.  He and his W came to my town for it.  She kept eyeing me.  She’s very attractive.  Tall, thin, long hair, attractive.  After my friends spoke to her, they thought she was unattractive.  Her personality came through and my friends found her unattractive.  Women tend to equate beauty or having a good figure with being thin.  It took me most of life to find that “thin” is just that, thin.  It’s not a figure at all.  And not very attractive.  Maybe because I’ll never be thin.  When I weighed 92 pounds, I was thin, but didn’t look it. I always had curves and never wanted them.  It was invariably a conversation with my dance teachers when my scholarship would be reviewed – that I didn’t have the kind of figure that looked good in a unitard and that I should think about cosmetic surgery alternatives.  I would look better in a tutu (which I did).  I’ve seen pictures of MM’s W recently on her dating profile.  She likes to post pictures of herself in a bikini.  She looks like a 17-year-old boy.  She loves herself.  She’s just like my ex.

I had a great conversation yesterday with a friend of mine, a guy, that I’ve known since 1995 and he said to me that it’s good my MM doesn’t live to close, that we can see each other on weekends, and when the day comes that we are actually able to spend a significant amount of time together, I’m going to dump him.  I was horrified.  He said to me – you don’t love this guy.  He’s not for you.  He’s never been the one for you.  It has always been about your ego.  I tried to tell him that perhaps it was the part of me that I kept hidden and protected for fear that MM would never leave his W so I refused to make myself vulnerable.  He was having none of my bullshit rationalization.  Hmmmm, I wonder if he’s right.  My other friends say the same.  They think that he’s weak.  My friends think that I can do better.  My friends don’t think that he’s my equal.  My friends think that I will destroy him.  It’s difficult to think about that, because they know me very well.

The other advice I get, is that I should be super kind, great, sexy, loving, nurturing, supportive so that he will love being with me, want to be with me and will get over the end of his shitty marriage faster and easier.  Fuck him.  I know I should, and believe me I try.  But – I sometimes feel that I only have so much tolerance for his crap right now.  It has always been a sore spot that he could call me but I couldn’t call him.  He used to say that I could always call him and if he couldn’t speak he would let me know.  So, I never called because (a) I didn’t want him to ‘ignore’ my call on his bb or (b) tell me he couldn’t speak to me.  I let him know that it was at those times he was not my friend.  I don’t have such restrictions with my friends – they will take my call whenever I make it.

I spoke to MM this morning.  And he was great –  I love you, I miss you, I can’t wait to see you next week, did you get the email I sent with the home listings so we can have “our own place.”  Oh yeah, by the way – you know I was traveling this past week (Monday until Friday morning), you know how we spoke every day (morning and night) and texted and emailed the whole time, you know how we practically fell asleep speaking to each other on Thursday night?  Yes, I said while we were talking this Saturday at noon.  Well, funny story, he says.  I was with one of my female colleagues and we were talking about medical marijuana on Thursday, and lo and behold, she had some, we got high.  Isn’t that ironic.  I meant to tell you.  Oh, I said.  OK.  I’ve to go now.  (We spoke Thursday night. Nothing.  We spoke Friday morning.  Nothing.  We spoke between his flights on Friday.  Nothing.  We spoke when he landed on Friday.  Nothing.  We spoke Saturday morning.  Nothing.)  This afternoon we were texting.  I was in my car and thought it would be easier to call, so I did.  He picked up the phone in a hushed voice, told me he was working, his daughter had a friend over and he had to go.  Then he made up some bullshit story about his daughter.  Obviously his W was home.  I told him fine, I’ll let you go and bye.  He then said he didn’t have to get off the phone immediately, he was just telling me what was going on.  He must think I’m an idiot.  I wanted to get off the phone so I did.  Fine.  He called me back a few minutes after that.  I wasn’t “happy” to hear from him.  And then he sent me a text message telling me that I should know that he can call me whenever I want.  Right now – I don’t want to talk to him.  I’m not answering the text, looking at the photo he sent.  None of it.

He called me again.  He told me that he can’t tell me that he loves me in front of his kids.  I said I understand.  But – bullshit.  There wasn’t anyone in the room with him when I called.  I’m not a moron.  Was your w around?  Were you afraid she was going to hear you?  Am I forever going to be that secret?  But all I said was that I understood.  I told him that he made me feel bad for calling.  That it wasn’t the first time today that he made me feel bad when we spoke.  It wasn’t retrospective, it wasn’t about the time when he treated me like shit in December, January, February, March &  April, but it was today, May 15, 2010.  He said that he knew and he apologized.  All I said was – you made me feel bad for calling.  You made me feel bad that you told me about getting high with you woman colleague 3 days after it happened despite the fact that we spoke numerous times, texted & emailed.  He told me that he tells me everything.  Yes, I know he does.  Lucky fucking me.

Truth?  I’m worried that he wont want to be with me when he’s free of his shitty marriage. 

Truth 2:  He’s afraid that I’m not going to be there for him when it’s all said and done. 

You know who has a better chance of realizing their truth? 

Him.