Trust is a 4-letter word

Ok, so I’ve been having some issues with trust lately – hence my last post.  And I have a cold which is exacerbating everything.  But tonight was one of those evenings that if I didn’t write about it, would just fester in my head.  It’s been a couple of days (honestly more time than that) since I’ve been struggling with how much I can or really want to trust my ex-MM/BF.  The issue with his parents is galling and has been gnawing at me for a long time, which caused the eruption on the phone the other day but the precipitating cause was different.

A couple of years ago, MM was traveling to another state on business.  He was with a couple of vendors.  One of them invited a woman friend to join them, which she did.  The next thing I knew, MM had “friended” her on Facebook.  He likes to amass people on his friend list.  Interestingly, he develops a relationship with her where they speak.  How do I know?  Because he told me that he shared some sage advice I had given him with her, and how smart he sounded.  I wasn’t really happy about that then.  Of course, the old maxim “once a cheater, always a cheater” played on a loop in my head. 

Then she shows up on his business networking contact list and thinks nothing of asking him to help a “friend of hers” find a job.  None of this makes me too happy, and I tell him that I don’t really understand the need he has to be her friend.  He tells me that I’m foolish to worry, there’s nothing going on, he loves me, blah, blah, blech!  So I let it go.  OF course the absurdity is that he’s married and sleeping with me.  What’s to say that he wouldn’t be with someone else?  Once a cheater . . .

I subsequently learned that she was getting divorced through a posting on Facebook.  (Ah, isn’t that just the way of the world these days.)  And still, I don’t say anything, don’t mention anything.  Flash forward to Thanksgiving 2010.  MM is in the midst of his divorce, we’re a “couple” and his joining me and my family for the holiday.  I don’t know why he’s passed me his blackberry, but I see that he was texting this woman as he was driving up to be with me.  I said that I was surprised he was speaking with her and he makes to reach for his blackberry which I give to him saying that there must be plenty to hide if he doesn’t want me to see it.  (Of course, the last time he had his blackberry taken from him and read – his wife learned a whole heap o’shit!)  He tells me that he has nothing to hide and tells me to read the texts.  And they are in the order of him giving her his new cell phone number, telling her to call him because he’s in the car for a few hours going upstate, but at no time does he mention that he’s coming to see ME!!  The emails have to do with how hard the holidays are when you’re single/getting divorced and he  empathizes, but doesn’t say that he’s not alone!  I was furious!  I tell him that I don’t quite understand the “need” he has for this “friendship” and that I would like him to not be friends with her.  I can think of only one other time that I ever asked that of anyone (shockingly it was him) and that was from a work situation.  He refused.  He told me that I was over-reacting and that there was nothing going on.  I told him that’s how I felt, and that there were men that I was friendly with that made him uncomfortable that I was no longer friends with or had limited “work only” contact with.  Once a cheater. . . Not to mention, that for the most part, men don’t often want to be “just friends” with women.  And if in fact that’s what happens . . . we all know how emotional relationships/friendships/affairs move to the physical. 

Then 2 days ago he posts something on facebook to which she commented.  And I thought it was more “intimate” than it should have been.  When I asked him, he told me that he only spoke with her about his ex-w so she meant it as a reference to her.  I told him that I was done.  First he tells me she knows all about me, but not my name, then he says that they only spoke about his ex-w, then he doesn’t ever remember his stories or keep them straight.  This was what precipitated the fight about his parents, about this woman.  I told him that I wanted him to unfriend her which of course led to the comment that if I didn’t trust him, then we have bigger issues.  Yup.  He’s right.  We have bigger issues.  Yup.  He’s right.  I don’t trust him.

Tonight.  Ah, tonight.  x-MM/BF was hosting his daughter’s slumber birthday party.  WOW.  My kids would rather not have a party if their only choice was to be with their father, but his daughter ASKED him to host it.  (I guess he’s not all bad.  😉 )  They were going to a hibachi restaurant first and then the girls were going to come over.  He learns in the late afternoon that his daughter has asked his ex-W to come to the restaurant.  (I’m sure it played out differently than that, since his daughter got her ‘nails and hair’ done with his ex-mother-in-law today, I have a feeling it went something like: mommy’s so sad that you didn’t ask her to come to your party today – that the kid was guilted into asking her.)  And of course, the ex-w said yes.  Really?!  What a shock.  So these were the texts:

Him:  Heading out.  I’m a little stressed.  Daughter asked mother to be at the restaurant.  Not psyched about that.  Look fwd. to getting back home with the girls.

Me:  You’ll be fine.  In the future,  u need to be clear with daughter.  Not to mention ex-w should have said no.

Him:  I feel shitty.  I can be the best dad in the world, but a dad can’t compte with a mom.

Me:  Not true.  Ever.  Don’t say that.  She’s playing u.  U need to set the rules.  Besides, daughter wanted to have her party with YOU!!!  I’m sure her grandmother said: mommy is so sad that she wasn’t invited . . .

Him:  I wish u were here   🙂

Me:  Next year.  And I wont let you be manipulated.

Him: Ok

Me:  Did ex-W show up?

Him:  Yes

Me: Ugh.  She’s horrible.  Tell her you expect that she pay for herself.

Him.  She’s paying half, so that’s good.  She’s all chatty and social with the couple at the end of the table.  What’s up with that?  Daughter asked her to be here and wanted her here and she’s not even talking to her.  I feel shitty.  Haven’t said a word to her.

Me:  You should have told daughter that it was your party for her that mom can do another one.

Him:  Just noticed that didn’t have dinner, just a drink.  What’s up with that?  She told son that she was having dinner later.  What the f? 

10 mins and I hadn’t responded and he says: R u there?

Me: Yes, I’m here.  Always.  helping my daughter clean her room.  Ex-w is disgusting & cruel.  She’s pathetic in the truest sense of the everything.  She’s all alone with her misery & herpes.  If she was so happy, she wouldn’t be putting on a frenetic show for everyone.  Very sad.  It’s all a facade.  She doesn’t have and has never had any friends.

Him:  I feel like the antisocial one.  I’ve been paying attn to son and taking pics of the girls.  She’s chattering on with the couple sitting at the end of the table like she’s Ms. Popularity.  And the kids are still paying attn to her.  Oh, and she’s dressed and perfumed for her date.

Me:    It’s a show with her costume and makeup.  If she were happy she wouldn’t behave like that.  She wouldn’t try so hard to convince everyone that everything was great.  And the sad truth is, but for her mother and the match.com guy who gave her herpes, she has no one.

Him:  Who knows.  I feel bad.  She just took off – overheard the guy tell her to have fun at her dinner party.

Me:  Really????????  Who knows??????????  Come on.

Him:  I don’t know.  Maybe she has a whole bunch of friends now.

Me:  Quick.  If you run after her, I bet you can still catch her.

For me, that was the final straw.  I couldn’t “listen” to the whiney, pathetic, whoa is me, drivel.  Shit.  If you want to be with her, be with her.  Stop your fucking whining already!!!!  I couldn’t take it.  He called me as soon as he got the kids home and I blasted him.  I’m not the one to make him feel better about his divorce!  Are you insane!!!!  All of sudden his ex-W is dressed up going out, lying about where and with whom and what???  He feels sorry for himself?  Boo fucking hoo.  I was yelling at him on the phone.  He wanted me to make him feel better about the father/mother dichotomy, he said.  No, he wanted me to make him feel better that his ex-w was going out and he was stuck home, that she was pretending to be something that she wasn’t and never was, because it would make him jealous that she was NEVER that way with him.  She wins!  Again!!!  When they were discussing the divorce, she must have told him a million times, that she wasn’t interested in dating, that she’s a homebody and that she was just going to get her life in order.  Yeah, right.  She was on match.com before she even filed for divorced.  She may be a homebody, but she doesn’t want to be alone, like her mother.

So, x-MM/BF and I finished up our discussion with him saying that he wanted me to be supportive, to which I responded that I had been VERY supportive, but the pity party was more than I could take and I had reached my threshold of stupidity for the evening. 

Let’s call it what it is.  I’m not there to make you feel better about your divorce.  I’m the reason for it.  I’m not going to make you feel better about your ex-wife having a life.  Good.  I hope she does and leaves you alone.  (Of course, I’ve been wishing that my ex-H would get a life and leave me alone, take me out of his cross-hairs).  I have talked endlessly about what a good father, parent he is and marveled at this daughter wanting to do her party at his home.  I’m tired.  I’m exhausted.  I’m sick. 

I’m not your mother.  You have a mother.  She doesn’t acknowledge me. 

Trust.  Yeah.  Bullshit.

Without trust, there is no Intimacy

It’s been about a month or so since last I wrote.  Funny how time flies or stands still depending on where you are.  I remember when I was in the thick of my affair, the time I spent with MM would fly by, yet days would drag until we saw each other next.  Time seemed to stand completely still after d-day.  Every minute that I didn’t hear from him seemed a lifetime, ever day an eternity, until a week had gone by, a month.

My ex-MM/BF took his 10 year old daughter to her school’s father-daughter dance 2 weeks ago.  He was talking to one of the other fathers while the girls “group danced” with each other.  The other father said to him that it was probably the biggest collection of people in one room who couldn’t stand their spouses but were too lazy to do anything about it.  MM told me that he responded, rather superciliously, that he found that sad and that he replied that he was determined to not be one of them.  My, how well he can re-write history!  My oh my, how willing he was to be one of them!  How sad and depressed he was when he realized that he wasn’t going to be one of them!  He then pondered aloud to this father, how sad it would be to live such an unfulfilling life and what do these people do when they are empty-nesters.  I speculated that they’ve already lived such separate lives to that point, that nothing much changes. 

We talked about a man that we know who has been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, who refers to his wife as a room-mate.  Yup, that’s what happens.  That guy goes out to dinner with “colleagues” and friends all the time and leaves the “Mrs.” at home.  And when he is home, he’s having a bottle of wine, a cigar, a glass of cognac and TV.  I have no doubt that he’s had a number of affairs and may have even been in love with a few of them, but always returned home, to his empty, hollow, life.  Why?  I recently read another blogger’s posting and he hit the nail on the head when he said “comfortably numb” is the existence you have.  I think that’s sad.  I’ve always thought that was sad.  It goes hand in hand with the notion that “inaction is as much a choice as action.”

Of course my marriage was not anywhere close to “comfortably numb.”  It was excruciating  and coming to the decision that I would rather be alone and poor, than spend 1 more second with him was  a difficult but necessary one.  My AFFAIRS made my marriage “bearable” or “comfortably numb.”  Maybe that’s what they do – make a mediocre or bad situation tolerable.  Without those affairs, what does everyone have?  A spouse that they don’t much care for?  That they are no longer, if ever, connected to?  Someone they married at a time in their lives because that was the “right thing” to do and what everyone else expected?  What lessons do we teach our children?  I, for one, would never take the moral high ground.  The one thing I can say for sure is that when I cheated on my ex-H, it made me feel alive, loved, wanted, beautiful, desirable.  It was an escape from the rotten marriage.  It “enabled” me to continue in it because all of my needs were being met elsewhere and my ex-h made a good living. 

As the OW, my affair helped me get over a bad period in my life – ending my marriage.  What happened was I hadn’t expected to fall in love with my MM, just use him for sex, use him for the way he made me feel and then move on.

My ex-MM/BF and I were driving from his home to my home on Saturday.  I was so tired, I had to close my eyes.  We were talking about his unfailing need to “always do right” by everyone, that he’s a pleaser and I was so sick and tired of this conversation that I told him:  Yeah, you wanted to do right by everyone but me.  And he replied:  By everyone but ME.  I was surprised to hear him say that.  He then said, that today, he is a completely different person than he was a year + ago.  He then said, through therapy, counseling, reading and me, he has changed.  But then he said something to the effect that if his ex-W hadn’t found his blackberry with all of our texts, it is possible that we wouldn’t be together now as he had been incapable of “hurting” anyone, but that he couldn’t fathom that everyone could in fact survive and thrive if he ended his marriage.  Funny, I reminded him that at our last in person conversation before d-day, I told him that I was done with our relationship, yes, I would let it peter out, but having signed my divorce papers I was going to focus on meeting someone who was available to me – that essentially MM had served his purposes and I was done.  He then asked if we could be friends, to which I laughed and said no.  He then told me that he loves me, wants to be with me but his kids are young, his house is “under water,” he’s unemployed (we all know the drill and litany of excuses).  I told him that I didn’t care what his excuses were and that if I were around when he sorted everything out, then I would be there and if not, too bad for him.  He asked me what he should do.  He asked me whether I was asking him to leave his wife.  I said – I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I’m GOING to do.  Then, 4 days later, we’re chatting on Skype, he’s wearing headphones so he can’t hear anything around him, and loudly proclaims that he loves me, misses me and can’t wait to see me.  “Unbeknownst to him” his mother in law is in the hall eavesdropping, tells her daughter that she suspects MM is having an affair and then . . . we’re off to the races.  I told MM as we were driving in the car, that he exploded his life.  He couldn’t be honest with his W then, or the year before, or the year before that and tell her that he wanted to leave, that he was in love with someone else, BUT he didn’t want to lose me and knew that I was preparing to leave him.  So, he swallowed a grenade.  ****Kaboom****  Shit flew everywhere and decisions were made that didn’t involve him.  In his fear at what he had done, he retreated.  And yet, he was never remorseful.  Yes, he wrote that letter.  Yes, he told me we couldn’t speak.  Yes, he “unfriended” me.  Yes, he took my call.  Yes, he called me and called me and emailed me and told me he loves.  Until . . .

Well, here we are today.  I’ve read lots of my cyber friends’ blogs talking about deleting emails, texts, etc., from their x-MM/MW/AP and while I have even given that advice, CAN’T DO IT.  And I read them, re-read them and re-re-read them.  Will someone come to my home and press “delete”?  The worst part is how horrible I feel when I read them.  How stupid I feel.  How used.  And the list goes on.  The worst part is how they conjure up the hurt all over again.  The unanswered questions, the pleading, fighting, suppressed anger.  I’m right there all over again.  Like deja vu.  🙂

So – flash forward to Valentine’s Day.  And yes, I’ve read everyone else’s accounting.  Man, I burn for you all.  My anger is raw, unrestrained for you all.  When will I stop seeing myself as the “OW” but as the girlfriend?  The significant other?  The partner?  And maybe, if I can tolerate it, the wife?

We went to an “intimacy workshop” for couples.  And it wasn’t about sex, but about connecting, becoming and staying more connected.  The class was given by someone ex-MM/BF knows as a Dojo but who is schooled in other far east schoolings and his partner happens to be a tantra goddess.  What he said was without trust you can’t have intimacy.  I froze.  The “exercise” was to look into your partner’s eyes and radiate the feelings of love you have. I leaned over and asked my ex-MM/BF: “Does Sensei know about us? How we met?  How we came to be?  Where you were?  Where you’ve come from?”  And he said:  Yes.  Trust.  So elusive.  A word we all throw around without thinking.  TRUST.  Do I trust him?  That’s HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I re-re-read my old emails between me and MM, the word “trust” comes up all the time.  After d-day, the texts and emails talk about “trust” – specifically – do I trust him to do the right thing by me?  Do I trust that we are ‘meant to be?’; do I trust that our love is strong enough to get over the obstacles that might confront us? 

Funny, that word.  Trust.

I had affairs during my marriage.  Trust.  I needed those affairs because I had a shitty marriage.  I needed those affairs to help me get over the humps of my life.  Some were emotional.  Some were physical.  And some were both.  I had this last affair with MM because I needed HIM.  Trust.  He had an affair.  Trust.  He sent me a no contact letter.  Trust?  And we talked about trusting each other, trusting our feelings, etc.  Trust.  It’s something we always talk about but something that’s so elusive/

MM and I fell in love during the tenure of his marriage.  Trust

He followed the wishes of his “now ex-W” and there was no contact.  Trust

He hurt me.  Trust

I wonder if I can get past it.

We spoke last night.  I’ve been writing this post for days – starting and stopping; reading and re-reading it and my old emails, chats, texts, etc.  It puts me in a horrible mood.  I’m afraid to hit the “delete” button and don’t know why.  And I told him that last night.  What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me.  What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist.  His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it.  I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to.  You’re an adult, I told him, act like one.  If your parents can’t be respectful of you, what is it you hope to get from them?  And if you can’t defend me to them, then I don’t want a relationship with you.  I refuse to be a secret.  And make no mistake, I told him, I wont stick around.

And here we are today.  Trust?

Good-bye 2010. Don’t let the door knob hit you . . .

To all of my cyber friends –

While this has been a horrible year for me, and yes, I cried again tonight over all the mistakes I’ve made and all the fears I have for tomorrow  – all the “should haves, could haves, would haves”  – I am thankful for all of you.  You are all my silver lining to my rain cloud.  The past year + 22 days was unimaginable to me in 2009, 2008 and earlier, yet here we all are.  I hope, for all of us, that 2011 will bring some peace, some respite from the pain.  I, for one, know that not being alone has been healing and cathartic.  To find a world out there of people who understand me, my pain and my experience,  selfishly makes me feel better.  I am thankful to you all.  I read your blogs and I know you read mine.  I could not have made it without you, and that’s the truth.

My wish for 2011 for all of US (non-denominationally):

God, grant us the…

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless

Happy New Year to all of my friends.  Without you, I would not have made it and for that, I am thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.

As my father would say:  Good bye 2010, don’t let the door knob hit you, where the good Lord split you.  🙂

–Susan

(Un)Happy Holidays

I hate this time of year.  The forced joviality.  The “what are you doing for Christmas?”  “what are you doing for New Year’s?”  And if you don’t have an answer, you feel like a loser, like shit, like the other woman/other man in an affair.

MM is in Florida with his parents, kids, sister and her family.  He called me this evening  . . . from the garage, because it was allegedly so noisy in the house that he couldn’t hear himself speak.  During our conversation he threw out the garbage for his brother-in-law, told me he was shivering and then had his father come out to tell him that the movie they were planning to watch was going to start.  Hmmmm.  Why wouldn’t his father say, we’re waiting for you, son, to watch the movie, are you going to be much longer on the phone with your girlfriend?  Why wouldn’t he call me from the living room?  The guest room – and close the door?  The den?  Am I forever relegated to being the OTHER WOMAN?  Being talked to in secret???  From the garage????? Been there for 3 years; done that.  Year 4: Fuck him.

I think, as I say good-bye to 2010, there are a lot of decisions that I need to make and nothing more urgent than what I’m going to do with MM.  I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.  I’m sad, lost, confused.  I love him and I hate him at the same time.  I hate myself for loving him.  I hate myself for wanting to be with him.  The worst part for me is that it is undefinable.  Why him?  How did I end up here?  Will the feeling of being the OW ever go away?  Can we ever have a normal relationship?  Will I/he ever be accepted? 

Lots to think about in the New Year.  Lots of decisions to make. 

Hey, I’m not getting any younger and no, Virginia there is no such thing as Santa Claus.  Lies, lies and more lies.

Ho fucking ho, ho, ho.

What’s Worth Fighting For?

MM has an interim separation agreement and is working on the first draft of his final divorce agreement.  He had conciliation (like mediation) and court last week and he and his soon-to-be-ex-wife reached an agreement.  I can’t believe it.  A little more than a  year ago, (376 days ago, but who’s counting) as I’ve been blogging, was d-day; 12/14/09 was the last day we spoke until January 21, 2010.  I can’t believe what has transpired in a year.  I can’t believe when I think of that time, it STILL takes my breath away and I can’t breathe.  I still can’t believe the hurt and yet, MM had conciliation on Monday, December 13 and then drove 4 hours to come to see me.  We were together on 12/14 and I thought about where we were last year . . . but I said nothing.

We’ve been talking about Christmas and New Year’s eve.  He has agreed with his w that she would have the kids for Thanksgiving and he would have them for Christmas – starting Christmas eve through the end of the week.  He has asked me to bring my kids to his state for the Christmas.  I’ve waffled about it especially because my kids are tepid to cold on the idea.  He called me Wednesday, after his shrink appointment, to tell me that his therapist thinks it’s not a good idea.  There is certainly a part of me that agrees but I was angry.  We talked about it and I got angrier.  We decided to wait until we were together this past weekend to discuss it further.  He had mentioned, as I previously blogged, that he was considering going to his parents in Florida for either Christmas or New Year’s which engendered some bad feelings from me.  I tried, unsuccessfully to keep them at bay.  The reason:  historically MM, his W and kids would go to Florida from the day after Christmas (which happens to be his birthday) until New Year’s day.  Since 2007 we have emailed, texted, spoke while he was there and I was in my hometown.  Last year, he was “exiled” to Florida – without w or kids for 2 or 3 weeks (we still haven’t talked about what happened, and not sure when/if we will) and yet, he couldn’t/didn’t speak, email or text me while he was there.  I emailed him; I texted him.  My phone was blocked; my emails were blocked.  I want to vomit when I think about that time and how I felt. 

Finally, we are able to be together on his birthday and on New Year’s and he’s talking to me about FLORIDA!!!!!!  He’s telling me that he agrees with his therapist and Christmas isn’t good so he’s going to Florida!!!!  No discussion about his birthday, no discussion about meeting his kids, no discussion about how we’re going to do that.  Oh yeah – he thinks that sometime in January he’s going to bring his kids to my home and stay for the weekend.  That’s how he is going to introduce us.  ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?!  I wanted to slap him.  I wanted to use his head for baseball practice.  I wanted him to leave; to walk away from me; to never see him again.  And for some reason, my brain lacked a filter and I told him that.  I am angry and hurt.  My kids know him.  He stays in my apartment, he’s vacationed with us, he spent Thanksgiving with us and his kids know what about me?  Nothing.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  He said that his therapist said that the kids would feel badly if they saw that he had a relationship with my kids.  I cut him off and told him that he has no relationship with my kids – they know him, they tolerate his presence, they can co-exist but he doesn’t have a “relationship” with either one of them.  It wasn’t nice of me to say, but it is true.  It was also mean and hurtful for me to say it.  He said to me later, in a quiet voice, that he would like to have a relationship with my kids and would I help him develop one.  It broke my heart.  I felt that I had won, but at the price of being vicious and cruel.  Sometimes I don’t know when to stop myself. 

He told me that we only get one chance to make a good impression with his kids and he wants to do it the right way.  I told him, that no matter what he hopes, I have no illusion that between his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her mother, that the kids will not want to be around me, will not respect me and will forever think of me as the reason why their parents got divorced.  I’m the whore, the bad guy, the reason.  I also told him that his reluctance to introduce me or talk to his kids about me, makes me wonder whether he and I are going to have a relationship down the road.  The biggest reason not to introduce someone to your kids (and believe me I researched this up the ying yang) is that they might not be there in 6 months.  Where the hell am I going?  If I stuck around this long, where am I going to be in 6 months or a year from now?  My best friend asked me today if I thought that I was going to marry MM, that there is no doubt in her mind that he wants to marry me, be with me forever, but I have never said the same about him.  Why is that?  Am I scared to do it or do I think that “marriage” and “forever” are best left for fairy tales?  Meeting his kids puts me in the “forever” category.  I get that.  It’s not that I’ve wanted to meet them as much as I’ve wanted MM to ASK me to meet them, to beg me to meet them, to set up a meeting without me nagging.  It’s not the same when you have to ask. 

I know that things haven’t been ideal and now we are here – the holiday season – again.  What I want is to get rid of the bad memories that are plaguing me this time of year.  So many have blogged about the holidays – when you are the “other” you don’t get that time.  Now I’m not the “other,” I’m actually the partner and I still feel like the “other.”  While I don’t think that this is a good time to meet his kids, I want to have been asked.  I wanted him to want me to meet them.  I’m angry or sad that whether he did or didn’t, he said nothing until I pushed him.

I spoke to MM tonight.  He has his kids.  They’re both sick.  His soon-t0-be-ex-wife has enrolled them in an after school program for 2 days a week at an exorbitant cost of over $1000/month.  Now they’re sick.  MM picked them up this afternoon and brought them to his house.  He was whining that the kids are “home sick” and the home is going to be sold in less than a month.  His daughter complained that the tree wasn’t big enough and not as big as the one that “mom got.”  The ornaments are the old ones, and mom got new ones.  So MM is sad. Depressed.  And lucky me, he shares it.  That’s a bit tongue in cheek – I’m glad he shares it but angry that he thinks I can be sympathetic all the time.  It taps me out.  It’s taking its toll on me.  I can’t listen to it all the time.  I don’t want to hear it anymore.  I’m tired.  The fight that we always have is that he sees the glass as half empty and I see it as half full.  You chose how you live your life.  You can choose to be happy or to be sad.  He seems to make a choice that sucks the life out of me.  I’m tired.  Tired of always being on the receiving end of his questioning, his gloom, his sadness.  I want him to call me and say, while today was hard, it was worthwhile; that he’s excited about the future, as difficult as it’s going to be.  As Dr. Kelso (“Scrubs”) said: Nothing worth having is easy.  And as Andrew Carnegie is accredited with saying: Anything in life worth having, is worth working for. 

Where do I fit in?

D-Day + 1

D-day + 1. 

366 days later.

365 days ago:

MM went to Florida to “stay” with his parents to think about his bad behavior and how he would feel if he were divorced.  He was punished.  His w punished him when she found out about us.  She punished me when she found out about us. 

I spoke with MM the day after d-day – what should he do, what should he say, what he was telling w about me, about us, about our relationship. 

I told him not to go to Florida.  He went. 

I told him to speak to a lawyer so he would have a realistic idea of what “being divorced” was all about it.  He went to Florida and didn’t call a lawyer. 

He told me the lies he was telling his W about our relationship and asked me, that should she call me again, to corroborate them.  He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer and she didn’t call me again. 

He called me 4 days later and then he didn’t call me again.

He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer; he asked me to lie for him; he disconnected me on Facebook, business networks; he blocked my cell phone & telephone numbers, my ip address from his computer. 

He asked me to be patient.  He told me he missed me. 

He came home; took his w to his company’s holiday party and stayed in the hotel we always stayed at; took his family to Florida in February and fucked his wife for the first time ever; and called me and texted me and told me that he loves me, misses me, needs me. 

He went to marriage counseling; he told me he was trying to reconcile/to fix things at home, to fix things with everyone – but me.

He & his w sent me an email telling me that “I’m sorry I hurt you.  However comma I love my wife and my family.”

He made plans to be with me then took his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 3 days before our meeting. 

He didn’t want to hurt anyone.  He hurt me.

366 days after d-day and MM is getting divorced. 

366 days after d-day MM went to the police to file a complaint against his w for menacing and threatening to hurt him.

366 days after d-day, MM’s w has herpes.

366 days after d-day MM has a new home that he calls “ours.”

366 days after d-day MM and I have spent my birthday together, Thanksgiving together and have planned to spend Christmas and New Year’s together.

366 days after d-day, MM isn’t wearing a wedding band.

366 days after d-day I feel that there are some issues that we still need to address; that there are still questions and unresolved hurt; that I’m still owed some apologies.

366 days after d-day is completely different than I thought it was going to be the day after d-day.

D-Day Revisted or The more things change . . .

On December 9, 2009 at 7:06 pm I received the following text: 

“Hi — I know about you and my husband. – Wife”

It feels like yesterday and it has been a year.  A long, miserable, shitty year.  I have gone back,  on the eve of my anniversary to re-read, from the beginning, some of my posts.  The pain was excruciating.  I remember it like it was yesterday and yet it was 364 days ago.  The anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the feeling like a fool, the feeling of being betrayed and not chosen.  After 364 days, our outward labels have changed, but sometimes I feel as if that’s all that has changed. 

Where we were and where we are:

1.  MM & w living “happily ever after” in their lovely 3000 sq. ft. home with in ground pool, mother-in-law, 2 children, dog and all the while MM was 3 years into a love affair – emotionally and physically.

Today:  MM has rented a house.  I helped him settle in this past weekend.  He’s not moving in yet, because his stupid wife filed a motion for temporary support and a visitation schedule while they are still living under the same roof.  The advice he got from everyone (including me) was to stay put until after they have their conciliation/mediation meeting and until after the date for the motion is heard.  There will be nothing to decide at that time.  She’s stupid.

2.  MM’s w was obsessed with the details of our relationship – how often we made love/fucked/had sex; did he wear a condom; how selfish he was to have strayed outside his marriage and put his darling wife at risk for STDs.  So, she got tested for STDs.  The tests of course came back clean.

Today:  MM told me that when his w was at work, he wanted to clear out the remainder of his things from the master bedroom/bathroom and found a prescription that his W had for Valtrax.  I didn’t know what it was and he briefly explained and I looked it up on the internet, that it is for genital herpes.  Uproariously funny!  She has herpes.  Oh, life is rich.  I have a friend who says “the world is round”.  I love that.  Of course, I said to MM, should I go and get tested for STDs.  It was a bit tongue in cheek, but it was a stab at the fact that he was fucking his w in February.

3.  I hadn’t met his kids or the rest of his family

Today:  I still haven’t met his kids.  I still haven’t met the rest of his family.

4.  We didn’t spend the holidays or other important events together.

Today:  MM spent Thanksgiving with me, my kids, my parents.  It was an agreement that he made with his W – she would have them for Thanksgiving this year and he would have them for Christmas – from 12/24 at 10:00 pm through the week.  He invited me and my kids to spend Christmas with him and the following day is his birthday.  We haven’t spent the holiday/birthday together.  I put off seeing a friend from California so that we could be together for Christmas and New Year’s – not the entire week but days/nights during the last 10 days of the year.  MM told me this weekend that he may take his kids to Florida to see his parents during part of that time and then yesterday he asked what would I prefer – Christmas OR New Year’s?  I thought my head was going to explode!  I blew off a friend of mine so that we could be together and he was blowing me off!  I could not have been angrier with myself. 

And then it got better.  How, you must be wondering, could it get any better.  MM told me that w suggested they have Christmas morning together – so that the kids could “come down the stairs” and they could open their presents together – like one-big-happy-family.  While I don’t think that’s a good idea for a million different reasons, he told me that it’s not about him and w but about the kids and Christmas and that if that would make them happy, then he didn’t care if is W was leaving 5 minutes later to “fuck her boyfriend,” he would do this for his kids.  OF course, he was supposed to have his kids, in his new home for Christmas morning.  He had invited me and my kids to join them.  Like a fool, I already mentioned this to my kids.

Then:  Second best. 

Today:  Second best.

Then:  Stupid and self-delusional

Today:  Stupid and self-delusional

Funny how the more things change the more they stay the same.

Addiction

I have a friend who works in a hospital helping addicted people – mostly teens, but anyone with an addiction.  The other night we spoke about heroine, methadone and what it does to quiet the need for other.  My understanding is that methadone quiets the receptors that call for the heroine, thereby diminishing the need/urge/addiction.  I asked my friend that if we can quiet those receptors in the brain, why we can’t use methadone to help other addictions.  For example someone addicted to alcohol, or shopping or food or going to the gym or is in love with a MM?  Why if we can use methadone to quite the “needy” receptors in someone’s brain and cause them to refrain from shooting heroin, couldn’t we find something to, let’s say, quiet the brain’s need to be in love with a married man?

My MM has kept me up to speed on every single gory detail about his divorce.  I know that I’ve written about that, but it never ceases to amaze me.  I know about the discovery demands and responses, the deposition testimony, the acrimony about dividing up the personal property and on and on and on.

There’s something interesting in a relationship with a MM (and I don’t mean boyfriend.)  While we, the OW, accept their position as married, from my perspective I didn’t find the ugly green monster of jealousy rise too much to the surface.  Every once in a while it would bother me.  In fact, for the most of my relationship with MM, I didn’t ask him whether he and his w were having sex.  I didn’t want to think about it and so I didn’t ask.  I knew that it was infrequent, if at all and he told me more than once that he was more married to me that way, than to her.  I remember him telling me the last time he and his w had sex was in October 2008.  That when she would initiate, he would say he was tired or something.  I wasn’t having sex with anyone else during that time – but went out on dates, kissed, held hands, thought about it, but nothing further.

MM was in town for business this week.  I have the flu.  So off he went to work, and I stayed in bed.  He has left some clothes here, some papers, some toiletries – to establish an existence here while he prepares to move out of his house and into a new home – like a dual residency.  He empties out his suitcase and puts his stuff in drawers in my home.  He put his bag on the window sill and I went to move it to close the window and noticed that there was “stuff” inside the bag.  It turned out to be papers, folders of his legal/matrimonial action.  I’ve seen all of the documents – he has forwarded everything to me.  Except the deposition transcript.  Which was in the bag.  Which screamed at me to read it.  So, whether I should have or shouldn’t have, I did.  And I didn’t like what I read.  While I knew he was questioned extensively about the infamous apology letter he wrote to his w, during his exile, I didn’t know how much effort he put into “fixing” his marriage, making it work, atoning for the sins of his affair, apologizing for putting his family at risk and everything he loves (none of it was me, of course) and how very stupid and selfish he was, how very much he loves his w more than anything.  What I learned was that he took her to the holiday party at his new company (from which he has since been fired) and stayed at the same hotel that he and I would stay in when I would come to his town; that he brought her on a business trip to another state that he had ASKED ME TO GO WITH HIM TO, in February 2010, that up until July or August, he and his w would share a bottle of wine.  That a month before the deposition (in September) he was still, albeit rarely, continuing to look at on-line pornography/women.   But the one thing that I saw, shoved into the transcript was a piece of paper with his hand written notes, detailing all of the sexless vacations they had and how even when they were intimate, there was no connection, that whenever they would go south to stay with his parents they NEVER had sex EXCEPT THIS PAST FEBRUARY 2010, DURING OUR NO-CONTACT PERIOD.  Actually, it was worse than that – he had been emailing me and calling me and then, out of the blue, he told me that he had to think things through but that I was complicating things and he needed to do this on his own.  That was the week he was down south with his parents, fucking his wife.  I can’t get it out of my head.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  I’m so angry I could explode.

I went and re-read emails that we were exchanging during that “no contact” period of time.  Almost every email started with “I hope you will forgive me for the way I behaved” or “I’m sorry that I hurt you and realize how much I love you, need you and want to be with you” or “I don’t want you to resent me for what I have to go through, but I’m doing this so that I can be stronger” or “I don’t want to resent you for doing something that I’m not ready to do” or “I’m sorry for . . . .”  Ironically, he wrote a multi-page email telling his wife how sorry he was for the “stupid mistake” he made by falling in love with me. 

What I know about MM and what I have since learned about him are as follows:

1.  He’s weak – he does what everyone tells him to do (except me, of course)

2.  He’s a pleaser – he wants everyone to like him and he can’t stand when anyone is angry with him

3.  He’s not as a smart as I thought or as well-rounded as I thought – but, on the upside he seems more amenable to changing than I thought he would be

4.  He’s weak

5.  He is insecure

6.  He is naive and childlike

7.  He doesn’t have a very good head for business, but can retain a tremendous amount of information

8.  He’s weak

9.  He’s cheap – but I wonder if that’s (a) because he was married and couldn’t spend his money on me or else she would find out; (b) has been unemployed since June; or (c) because that’s just what he is.

10.  He’s unimaginative in bed.  He’s a good lover but uninspiring.

11.  He’s a liar – aren’t all MM who have affairs, liars?  Don’t they have to live double lives in order to be with someone other than their wives, their families.  Why would I think that if he could lie to his w for all those years, that I’m the only one that he’s honest with.  What a big ego I must have to think that way.  How delusional I must be to think that way.  How addicted I must be to think that way.  I wonder if I were to get an injection of methadone, whether that would help the receptors in my brain behave more clearly.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

For all the OW out there, what you THINK you want is a fantasy. The reality is not what you want.  It’s always more of the same. 

What we think:  Be a good OW and he will love me more; want to be with me more; will leave his W for me.  The big question is WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS???  It’s not about him!!  It’s about you!!! What do YOU want?  What will make YOU happy?  Who gives a shit about him!!  How do we all come to lose ourselves in the process?  Why do we think what he wants matters???  For goodness sakes ladies, enough of the self pity. 

There are several truths:
1.  Be careful what you wish for

2. Life is long

3.  The grass is NOT always greener on the other side

4.  Be true to yourself, first and foremost.

For all the OW out there in the midst of “no contact” or pining away for their MM – hear me loud and clear –he is human, he is fallible, he is not what you think he is.  All the secrets you kept from him, during the course of your relationship, were kept for a reason – because he couldn’t be there for you.  Not just because he was/is married, but because he is incapable of being there for you.  He is selfish.  He is is egomaniacal.  He is all about himself.  It was not about you.  It was never about you.  It was about him; his needs; his wants; his desires.  And you fulfilled every last one.  Did you ever once let him know what you were REALLY thinking?  REALLY feeling?  What you really want?  Did you get into bed without shaving your legs?  Without brushing your teeth?  Did you take off your make up?  Did you wear your “comfortable” under garments?  Were you ever your REAL self???  Ever?????  If I were a betting woman, I would say, I don’t think so.  Did you lose your temper?  Did you chastise?  Did you NOT apologize????  I doubt it.  I am a very good OW.  I’m a great OW.  I won.  I got my MM to leave his W or maybe his W got him to leave her.  But what you all think and hope for, isn’t the reality of the situation. It is never as good as we imagine it.  Never, ever, ever.

The final truth, take a lesson from your MM:

4. Fantasy is far better than reality.

“Why” is a crooked letter

You know how there are times when all you want to do is vent, scream at the top of your lungs, drink a bottle of wine, eat a pint of ice cream, sit in front of the TV but something inside you stops you from doing that.  And you do the responsible thing.  Get up, go to work, make dinner, do laundry, smile, exchange pleasantries.  And you feel like tearing your hair out.  Or ripping his face off.  But you don’t.

I have read a number of posts where the entries have talked about deleting MM’s old emails and how cathartic it was.  I have read them enviously.  I can’t do it.  I couldn’t block his phone and I can’t delete the old emails.  I like to re-read them.  Especially the ones that burn my butt.  I don’t know why.  I have most of our emails from all the pseudonym email addresses.  In the throws of the affair, I used to love to read them over.  The ones telling me how much he loves me, misses me, aches for me.  How I complete him, am his soul mate.  After d-day, and his bullshit no contact email, there were no emails for a while.  I called him towards the end of January to tell him how angry I was that he blocked me on facebook but refused to call him and refused to email him.  If he wanted to speak to me, he could call me.  If he wanted to email me, I would think about responding.   That ended our “no contact” but the pseudonym email addresses persisted.  I didn’t want to call him because I did not want to be portrayed as the crazy OW, and have some sort of restraining order against me.  That wasn’t me.  You don’t want to talk to me, I’m not calling.  That doesn’t mean I wont answer the phone. 

So today, I was looking through some emails.  My favorite is the “However comma I love my wife.”  But then, like a detective, I looked through some more.  The email from him, out of the blue, after we had talked that simply said “IMY”  (I miss you).  The date on that was February 13.  Was that before or after he went to down south with his W and kids to see his parents, while he was “trying to figure everything out” so “we shouldn’t talk that week.”  I found the emails where we talked about making plans to see each other.  Then a few intermittent emails, because he was sick.   Sunday night he writes to tell me that he got a lot of rest over the weekend, but now I know that he went to the Caribbean with his W for her birthday that weekend.  Must be why I got an email at 10:30 am and then not another one until 9:30 pm (when he got home.)   I was able to get angry all over again. 

I saw MM this weekend.  We were talking about funny names.  And he told me that when he was at a resort, he saw someone with a funny name tag.  When I asked him what resort, he said he didn’t want to tell me because I would get angry.  OH HOW RIGHT HE WAS!!!  I told him that I didn’t find anything funny about that time.  That I didn’t want him to raise that fucking weekend trip to me ever again.  That what was “funny” was that he has apologized to everyone but me and that I want a fucking apology.  That what I find “funny” is that he doesn’t ask about who I was dating, seeing, screwing, but that he should rest assured that I wasn’t sitting home, holding my blackberry waiting for it to buzz.  Because, “however comma” I was working on my future. 

Oh, I feel the blood boil, and the anger course through my veins.  Will it ever stop?  I told MM this past weekend, that I need to get it out of my system.  He treated me like I was disposable.  (In fact, I used those very words in an email to him.)  He wrote, in an email, that he was concerned that I shouldn’t hate him for the way he treated me during those months when he was “working on his marriage” and “going to marriage counseling” all the while telling his W that I am his soul mate but telling me that he is in MARRIAGE counseling!!!!  Why else does one go to marriage counseling except to work on their marriage.

Then I found the email where he told me that he told his W, and she agreed, that they should separate.  He was “physically” sick. 

I grew tired of looking at those emails and skipped to the ones that he has since sent me under his real name.  My favorite, as of late, is the 7 page email he sent to his W while in exile immediately after d-day.  I liked reading her email to him, attached to his string of apologies – telling her he loves her, wants her, needs her and their life and how after knowing each other for almost x-teen years he can’t imagine his life without her –  commanding him to write the email (which he obliged her with) and what it should say.  I liked how he referred to our love affair as a “stupid indiscretion” and something he would never do again.  How she yammered on about how he put his marriage at risk by getting involved with another woman, how he jeopardized her health and risked getting STDs, how she was hurt that he told me that he loved me “very much”.   What amazed me as I read (and of course, got angry) was that he never told her to go fuck herself.  He never told her the truth.  He never said to her “You’re right.  I was dishonest with you.  I should have left years ago, but I couldn’t.  Now I’ve met someone else, someone I love deeply, someone I believe is my soul mate.  I’m sorry I hurt YOU, however comma I’m leaving you.”  Why couldn’t he do that?  What was he thinking? 

Why?  Why?  Why?  Will I ever stop asking why?  Will I ever let it go?  Am I capable of letting it go?

When I was a little girl, and I would ask my parents “why”, they would oftentimes give me the non-answer:  “Y is a crooked letter.”  I never understood that it was a diversion, not an answer, never an answer.  Why is a crooked letter.