Without trust, there is no Intimacy

It’s been about a month or so since last I wrote.  Funny how time flies or stands still depending on where you are.  I remember when I was in the thick of my affair, the time I spent with MM would fly by, yet days would drag until we saw each other next.  Time seemed to stand completely still after d-day.  Every minute that I didn’t hear from him seemed a lifetime, ever day an eternity, until a week had gone by, a month.

My ex-MM/BF took his 10 year old daughter to her school’s father-daughter dance 2 weeks ago.  He was talking to one of the other fathers while the girls “group danced” with each other.  The other father said to him that it was probably the biggest collection of people in one room who couldn’t stand their spouses but were too lazy to do anything about it.  MM told me that he responded, rather superciliously, that he found that sad and that he replied that he was determined to not be one of them.  My, how well he can re-write history!  My oh my, how willing he was to be one of them!  How sad and depressed he was when he realized that he wasn’t going to be one of them!  He then pondered aloud to this father, how sad it would be to live such an unfulfilling life and what do these people do when they are empty-nesters.  I speculated that they’ve already lived such separate lives to that point, that nothing much changes. 

We talked about a man that we know who has been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, who refers to his wife as a room-mate.  Yup, that’s what happens.  That guy goes out to dinner with “colleagues” and friends all the time and leaves the “Mrs.” at home.  And when he is home, he’s having a bottle of wine, a cigar, a glass of cognac and TV.  I have no doubt that he’s had a number of affairs and may have even been in love with a few of them, but always returned home, to his empty, hollow, life.  Why?  I recently read another blogger’s posting and he hit the nail on the head when he said “comfortably numb” is the existence you have.  I think that’s sad.  I’ve always thought that was sad.  It goes hand in hand with the notion that “inaction is as much a choice as action.”

Of course my marriage was not anywhere close to “comfortably numb.”  It was excruciating  and coming to the decision that I would rather be alone and poor, than spend 1 more second with him was  a difficult but necessary one.  My AFFAIRS made my marriage “bearable” or “comfortably numb.”  Maybe that’s what they do – make a mediocre or bad situation tolerable.  Without those affairs, what does everyone have?  A spouse that they don’t much care for?  That they are no longer, if ever, connected to?  Someone they married at a time in their lives because that was the “right thing” to do and what everyone else expected?  What lessons do we teach our children?  I, for one, would never take the moral high ground.  The one thing I can say for sure is that when I cheated on my ex-H, it made me feel alive, loved, wanted, beautiful, desirable.  It was an escape from the rotten marriage.  It “enabled” me to continue in it because all of my needs were being met elsewhere and my ex-h made a good living. 

As the OW, my affair helped me get over a bad period in my life – ending my marriage.  What happened was I hadn’t expected to fall in love with my MM, just use him for sex, use him for the way he made me feel and then move on.

My ex-MM/BF and I were driving from his home to my home on Saturday.  I was so tired, I had to close my eyes.  We were talking about his unfailing need to “always do right” by everyone, that he’s a pleaser and I was so sick and tired of this conversation that I told him:  Yeah, you wanted to do right by everyone but me.  And he replied:  By everyone but ME.  I was surprised to hear him say that.  He then said, that today, he is a completely different person than he was a year + ago.  He then said, through therapy, counseling, reading and me, he has changed.  But then he said something to the effect that if his ex-W hadn’t found his blackberry with all of our texts, it is possible that we wouldn’t be together now as he had been incapable of “hurting” anyone, but that he couldn’t fathom that everyone could in fact survive and thrive if he ended his marriage.  Funny, I reminded him that at our last in person conversation before d-day, I told him that I was done with our relationship, yes, I would let it peter out, but having signed my divorce papers I was going to focus on meeting someone who was available to me – that essentially MM had served his purposes and I was done.  He then asked if we could be friends, to which I laughed and said no.  He then told me that he loves me, wants to be with me but his kids are young, his house is “under water,” he’s unemployed (we all know the drill and litany of excuses).  I told him that I didn’t care what his excuses were and that if I were around when he sorted everything out, then I would be there and if not, too bad for him.  He asked me what he should do.  He asked me whether I was asking him to leave his wife.  I said – I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I’m GOING to do.  Then, 4 days later, we’re chatting on Skype, he’s wearing headphones so he can’t hear anything around him, and loudly proclaims that he loves me, misses me and can’t wait to see me.  “Unbeknownst to him” his mother in law is in the hall eavesdropping, tells her daughter that she suspects MM is having an affair and then . . . we’re off to the races.  I told MM as we were driving in the car, that he exploded his life.  He couldn’t be honest with his W then, or the year before, or the year before that and tell her that he wanted to leave, that he was in love with someone else, BUT he didn’t want to lose me and knew that I was preparing to leave him.  So, he swallowed a grenade.  ****Kaboom****  Shit flew everywhere and decisions were made that didn’t involve him.  In his fear at what he had done, he retreated.  And yet, he was never remorseful.  Yes, he wrote that letter.  Yes, he told me we couldn’t speak.  Yes, he “unfriended” me.  Yes, he took my call.  Yes, he called me and called me and emailed me and told me he loves.  Until . . .

Well, here we are today.  I’ve read lots of my cyber friends’ blogs talking about deleting emails, texts, etc., from their x-MM/MW/AP and while I have even given that advice, CAN’T DO IT.  And I read them, re-read them and re-re-read them.  Will someone come to my home and press “delete”?  The worst part is how horrible I feel when I read them.  How stupid I feel.  How used.  And the list goes on.  The worst part is how they conjure up the hurt all over again.  The unanswered questions, the pleading, fighting, suppressed anger.  I’m right there all over again.  Like deja vu.  🙂

So – flash forward to Valentine’s Day.  And yes, I’ve read everyone else’s accounting.  Man, I burn for you all.  My anger is raw, unrestrained for you all.  When will I stop seeing myself as the “OW” but as the girlfriend?  The significant other?  The partner?  And maybe, if I can tolerate it, the wife?

We went to an “intimacy workshop” for couples.  And it wasn’t about sex, but about connecting, becoming and staying more connected.  The class was given by someone ex-MM/BF knows as a Dojo but who is schooled in other far east schoolings and his partner happens to be a tantra goddess.  What he said was without trust you can’t have intimacy.  I froze.  The “exercise” was to look into your partner’s eyes and radiate the feelings of love you have. I leaned over and asked my ex-MM/BF: “Does Sensei know about us? How we met?  How we came to be?  Where you were?  Where you’ve come from?”  And he said:  Yes.  Trust.  So elusive.  A word we all throw around without thinking.  TRUST.  Do I trust him?  That’s HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I re-re-read my old emails between me and MM, the word “trust” comes up all the time.  After d-day, the texts and emails talk about “trust” – specifically – do I trust him to do the right thing by me?  Do I trust that we are ‘meant to be?’; do I trust that our love is strong enough to get over the obstacles that might confront us? 

Funny, that word.  Trust.

I had affairs during my marriage.  Trust.  I needed those affairs because I had a shitty marriage.  I needed those affairs to help me get over the humps of my life.  Some were emotional.  Some were physical.  And some were both.  I had this last affair with MM because I needed HIM.  Trust.  He had an affair.  Trust.  He sent me a no contact letter.  Trust?  And we talked about trusting each other, trusting our feelings, etc.  Trust.  It’s something we always talk about but something that’s so elusive/

MM and I fell in love during the tenure of his marriage.  Trust

He followed the wishes of his “now ex-W” and there was no contact.  Trust

He hurt me.  Trust

I wonder if I can get past it.

We spoke last night.  I’ve been writing this post for days – starting and stopping; reading and re-reading it and my old emails, chats, texts, etc.  It puts me in a horrible mood.  I’m afraid to hit the “delete” button and don’t know why.  And I told him that last night.  What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me.  What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist.  His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it.  I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to.  You’re an adult, I told him, act like one.  If your parents can’t be respectful of you, what is it you hope to get from them?  And if you can’t defend me to them, then I don’t want a relationship with you.  I refuse to be a secret.  And make no mistake, I told him, I wont stick around.

And here we are today.  Trust?

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8 Responses to “Without trust, there is no Intimacy”

  1. RatherBeMe Says:

    Trust can mean many things, many elusive things.
    Trust can be committment. Can you trust him to commit to anything? I don’t see any committment that you are getting from him. He just kind of goes along with the flow, without direction. No plan. No idea where he wants to go from here. I am surprised that he has gotten this far.
    Are you afraid to give him the direction that you want him to go? Could he be waiting for you to commit?

    • Susan Says:

      RBM – WOW! You just blew me away with those questions and observations. I haven’t given him any direction. I wonder why that is. Maybe I’m afraid f I do, it will be too much pressure. I don’t want to be like his ex-wife. I want him to want to be with me. And while I feel “committed” to him and the relationship, I have told him that I don’t need to be married. He’s the one that talks about “forever,” marriage, living together. It is particularly difficult as we live in different states, have young’ish kids and visitation schedules. It is all still so new and we’re trying to figure it out. We’ve talked about moving – and interestingly, he’s talked about ME moving to HIM, not the other way around. Hmmmm, interesting. I guess the long and short of is, I don’t know.

  2. melinda Says:

    Susan I have read thru your post and to this set of (semi-dysfunctional) eyes, LOL, nothing seems too surprising to me about most of what you say. I mean the “trust” issue is there, and of course this issue would be a a key and difficult one in any “real” relationship borne out of an affair. So I don’t find it unusual or surprising that you are still having questions around the matter of trust..

    What I actually find a little more bothering (IMHO) is this thing with his parents. You said:
    “What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me. What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist. His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it. I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to.

    This part gets me wondering why he is still hiding you? Isn’t the divorce now final? Why does he need to hide you still I wonder? This is just my humble opinion,, but this kind of action would most likely make me trust him LESS not more. Like if he was hiding me from his parents, how can he expect me to build up trust? Unless he has very very good reasons like they are very sickly or very crazy or something…..just sayin’……..

    M.

    • Susan Says:

      Melinda – If your eyes are dysfunctional, mine are full fledged insane! 😉

      Yeah, the thing about the parents is making me nuts. They know about me, but I get the feeling it’s more like the “pink elephant” in the room, kind of thing. I imagine that when I call, there’s a lovely little eye exchange between his mother and father and the room gets that uncomfortable silence. Yuck. He told me that when he first introduced his w to his parents, they said that they didn’t hope he expected to get know her, since they had spent all this time and energy getting to know his last girlfriend. His parents sound like a real bunch of charmers. Is it any wonder that he is how he is? If you remember, back in March, of 2010, after no-contact, etc.., and we had resumed speaking/contact, he posted a new profile picture after having been “disconnected” from FB for a couple of months, of him, his w and 2 kids BECAUSE his MOTHER sent him the picture and TOLD him to do it. By this point, he had told me loved me, couldn’t lose me and was going to leave his W for me, yet HE POSTED THAT PICTURE!!! I was so angry. I was fuming. So he told me that if it really upset me, he would take it down. So, I told him, yes, take it down. And he didn’t do that. It was 2 weeks later that I told him I was going to call his w and tell her that we had been speaking, that I was done with him and that she needed to control him. He begged me not to; I told him never to call me again and that I was done. He called me half hour later and told me he was asking his w for a divorce. Yeah, the whole thing still burns me. Especially the shit with his parents. Yuck. He has said to me that he hopes one day his mother and I will be friends. I have repeatedly asked him if he’s high. 🙂

      As for the trust, we had a big conversation about that today. And what it devolved to was that if I didn’t trust him, then we have a big problem. He’s right. The problem is going to be me. And the “problem” is going to be that I wont be able to commit to the relationship, him or an “us.” Kind of makes me sad. Yikes. I’ll have to process this a little bit more and write about it. But I could start to feel my defenses going up, start to feel myself pulling back from him emotionally. The truth is, he hurt me once, what’s to say that he wouldn’t do it again? As RatherbeMe said: blind faith and trust. But how do you PROTECT yourself? That’s the bigger question, isn’t it?

      • RatherBeMe Says:

        “But how do you PROTECT yourself?”
        Think about it!!!
        If you need to protect yourself from him, you don’t need him. If you don’t feel comfortable in giving him your love, trust, faith, warmth and your all………then you are wasting your time and maybe….your life.

  3. Susan Says:

    RBM – Yes, I see that. It is a thought that has surfaced. I’m working on the trust; I’m working on the blind faith. The ugly monster rears her ugly little head and gets under my skin. But you’re right. If I can’t trust him, then I shouldn’t be with him. I need to get past the “affair” and the hurt. Funny, aren’t those the words uttered by the betrayed spouse?

  4. melinda Says:

    susan and rbm
    i think the blind faith and trust are the kinds of things you work on having once trust has been established in a general kind of way which does not sound like it has occurred yet here. The general overall trust is not here yet.

    susan IMHO the problem is not only you! It is the lack of behaviors on your BF’s part that are not providing you with the necessary assurances for that general overall trust in you to develop (It takes two to tango)

    To me it looks like your guy never met his problems head on in his marriage and now he is not meeting them head on with his “GF” either

    A guy so tied to the opinions of his parents STILL (!) is trouble IMHO. I hope he grows up fast for your sake Susan!

    • Susan Says:

      Melinda – I hear you. Loud and clear. Of course, I do my most soulful thinking when I sick (which I am) as it puts things in a different perspective. I wish . . . a million different things. I knew that ex-MM/BF was needy but . . .
      The trust is tough to come by. For me, what I think more than anything, is that if I don’t trust him 1000%, I will protect myself by withdrawing. And then I wonder if I’m making a mistake. If I’m wrong. Lots to chew on. 🙂

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