Posts Tagged ‘hotel’

Time is of the Essence

February 8, 2013

I can’t believe that it is 2013.

Date difference from Dec 9, 2009 to Feb 7, 2013

The total number of days between Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 and Thursday, February 7th, 2013 is1,156 days.

This is equal to exactly 3 years, 1 month, and 29 days.

This does not include the end date, so it’s accurate if you’re measuring your age in days, or the total days between the start and end date.  But if you want the duration of an event that includes both the starting date and the ending date, then it would actually be1,157 days.

1,156 days is equal to 165 weeks and 1 day.

The total time span from 2009-12-09 to 2013-02-07 is 27,744 hours.

This is equivalent to 1,664,640 minutes.

You can also convert 1,156 days to 99,878,400 seconds.

Today is 2/7/2013 and 12/9/2009 is exactly 1156 days before today

D-Day to today.  An eternity.  3 years.  Yesterday.  A lifetime. A blink of an eye.  Life as you know it will never be the same.

And yet –

Life continues.  Just ask 2P, AOW, RBM and me.  3 years.  I can’t believe it.  Our lives have moved into a pattern.  The “high” of the affair is gone and has been replaced by “normalcy.”  We’ve had colds, the flu, lost jobs, gotten new jobs, fought, dealt with his kids, my kids, transitioned a kid to college, to high school, to middle school, through punishments, over-drafts, tax refunds, weight gain, weight loss, P90x, weight watchers, peri-menopause, menopause, his parents, my parents.

And yet –

There is the endless, acrimonious relationship with his ex W and my ex H.  The squabbling over vacation days, after school activities, cheerleading, trumpet lessons, karate, tutors, camp.  It never ends.  But I guess that’s what life is all about.

Or is it.

Sometimes I miss the affair.  The excitement, the passion, the secrecy.  Sometimes I wish I were alone.  Sometimes I wish I were with someone else.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t responsible for another human being when I find it difficult enough to be responsible for myself, my kids and my dog.  Sometimes I wish my life had gone in a different direction.  In fact, often lately I’ve been wishing that.  Yes, I know that wishing doesn’t make it so, but there are days when I feel that’s all I have.   That, and a glass of wine.

Valentine’s day is coming soon.  I hate Valentine’s day with the expectations of love, flowers and chocolate.  Being with that perfect someone.  While xMM/BF and I are together, we still dont’ live together and haven’t been able to do anything about the distance.  This year I’m having a biopsy on February 13, so BF is coming to me on the 12th and leaving the morning of the 14th.  He wasn’t originally going to be with me those days as he has a conference in Florida.  He was supposed to have his kids from the 12th-13th.  But then I made the appointment.  So he started by telling me that my scheduling of the appointment wasn’t very convenient.  Are you kidding me???  Then he said that he would come to me after he took his kids to school (I’m a 3 1/2 hour drive and my appointment is at 8:30am.)  I told him not to come.  I don’t really want him here.  I didn’t ask him to come; I didn’t schedule my appointment for a “mutually convenient time” because I’m only concerned about what fits my schedule for this.  But we were going to be able to spend the 14th together.  Now he would like to go out to dinner on the 13th.  The night perpetually reserved for the OW or OM.  (And not to mention that my biopsy is going to last about 2- 2 1/2 hours in the morning and I may not be in a festive mood, plus I have my kid.)  So I’m a bit unhappy about this.  I know it sounds stupid and petulant but I was the OW for so long that either I celebrate this stupid Hallmark holiday ON THE DAY or I don’t.

BF has a married male friend, married 15 years.  He had an affair several years ago and has been on a dating web site for married people to meet and have an affair.  This friend’s wife had an affair many years ago.  The friend knows but never confronted her.  He’s unhappily married and would like to get a divorce after their kids leave the house.  The day before Thanksgiving, he found some texts on his wife’s phone from another man, and confronted her.  She’s been having an affair.  They’re going to get divorced.  Until they’re not.  Now he’s not sure; now he says, he loves his wife; now he says, those years of sexless living together were stressed induced; now he’s freezing his membership to the online dating site that his wife knows nothing about.  Now, I think he’s a fool.  Worse, my BF/xMM thinks he’s a fool.  REALLY???  Perhaps this is wrong of me, but I don’t think he has a leg to stand on.  He thinks the couple should get divorced – they hate each other and have for years, but the wife’s affair seems to be holding them together.  Until it doesn’t.  But my BF/xMM stayed after HIS affair was discovered, to try and work things out.  I can’t help but ruminate from time to time, what would have happened if his wife hadn’t wanted to push for the divorce.  I think this couple should get a divorce because they both want it, they are both unhappy and have both found happiness outside of their marriage.  Move on already.

Which brings me to my absolute and utter disbelief when I read that another blogger on this site, the first one I read and found comfort, advice, solace, compassion, understanding from, TV Explorer, was getting divorced.  His wife couldn’t take it anymore.  She couldn’t get past the affair no matter what.  WOW!  I was blown away.  I didn’t see that coming at all.  Or maybe, deep down it’s inevitable.  So maybe, even without the now ex W pushing for the divorce, it would have just eventually happened.   And maybe BF would be with someone else instead of me.  Maybe I wouldn’t have waited.  But isn’t that always what a good OW does?  She waits – for the hidden text, the secretive email, the hurried phone call, the last minute plans, celebrating holidays on the day before or the day after because the day of is reserved for the wife.

Happy Day Before Valentine’s Day.

heart

D-Day + 3 +730 days

December 12, 2011

733 Days

= 17592 Hours
= 1055520 Minutes
= 63331200 Seconds

 It has been 2 years and 3 days since my D-Day of December 9, 2009.  I remember every single second of it, like childbirth.  Where I was, what I was doing, the blood pounding in my head and throughout my body, and how time stood still.  It was like a slow motion movie, where life continued on around me, but I was frozen, in my own cocoon.  Part of the picture yet completely removed.  I remember coming across another blogger who had put a clock app on his iPhone (RBM 🙂 ) that showed how much time had elapsed since he had entered the realm of no-contact; and another blogger (AOW) who had a running calendar of days since d-day, no contact, last kiss, etc.  I felt that I was ‘healing’ when I could no longer remember those critical days and the amount of time that had elapsed.  After all, we say that time heals all wounds.  But does it?  Do you ever forget?  I remember asking another blogger (TVExplorer) if you ever really get over it and he simply replied that you think about it less and less.  Not really the answer I was looking for.  And who would have thought that 733 days after my d-day I would have the answer. 

This time of year depresses me.  I think it always had.  The forced joviality, happiness, togetherness.  The expectations put on making everything “just so” with family and friends.  Nothing ever lives up to those expectations or re-adjusted childhood memories.  Does Disney have a license on brainwashing?  I was one of the “lucky ones” that had d-day further ruin my December holiday time.  My xMM’s w called me on 12/9 to share with me her new found knowledge; xMM called me on 12/14 to tell me of his exile and then we silently slipped into no-contact.  Holiday parties, Christmas, xMM’s birthday – all came and went – with no-contact.  And that was 2 years ago. 

What I learned after the fact still hurts me and still makes me angry.  xMM wrote a confessional letter to his w about all of the horrible things he did (me) and how much he loved her, their life, how much he needed her, and would work tirelessly to restore her trust in him; how MM was the one who blocked me from his Facebook page, his cell phone, his home phone, his other social networking sites (but, he would whine, that he didn’t have a choice); how MM was berated over and over, but was “allowed” to return to the loving fold of his w on 12/26, his birthday; the marriage counseling, the trip to the Caribbean, staying in the hotel he and I always stayed in . . . The list seems to go on and on and on. 

Why can’t I let it go?  There are days when I’m fine and I don’t think about anything having to do with the past, and then . . .**THWACK** something reminds me (like Christmas) and the pain, anger and hurt are there again.

This will be our second “outed” December together.  Last year, xMM went to Florida with his kids, to his parents’ house.  I was only allowed to meet them for a quick bite the day before they left.  MM wanted everything to be “just right” and once again, took all of the advice as to how to make that happen from others.  This year, we’re going to spend Christmas and his birthday together – all of us – kids included – at his house.

We had talked about “the tree” this year.  One of the symbols of his married life that haunted me and over which I would obsess.  Did they buy the tree, did they decorate the tree, was it a perfect little family time fit for a Hallmark card all the while he would text me, call me, email me.  This year his children were hurt that their mother (now the x-W) bought a tree without them, but with her new BF.  I spoke to my BF/xMM and offerred to join them for the tree buying, decorating escapade and xMM didn’t say anything to me until this past Friday, that they were going tree shopping on Sunday, which they did.  Needless to say, I was hurt.  I don’t want to speak to him.  So I haven’t.  The fucking tree.  Now I’m going to hate the fucking tree because I’m so good at transferrance.

So 2 years, 0 months and 3 days after D-day, the answer is . . . drumroll, please . . .

D-Day + 1

December 10, 2010

D-day + 1. 

366 days later.

365 days ago:

MM went to Florida to “stay” with his parents to think about his bad behavior and how he would feel if he were divorced.  He was punished.  His w punished him when she found out about us.  She punished me when she found out about us. 

I spoke with MM the day after d-day – what should he do, what should he say, what he was telling w about me, about us, about our relationship. 

I told him not to go to Florida.  He went. 

I told him to speak to a lawyer so he would have a realistic idea of what “being divorced” was all about it.  He went to Florida and didn’t call a lawyer. 

He told me the lies he was telling his W about our relationship and asked me, that should she call me again, to corroborate them.  He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer and she didn’t call me again. 

He called me 4 days later and then he didn’t call me again.

He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer; he asked me to lie for him; he disconnected me on Facebook, business networks; he blocked my cell phone & telephone numbers, my ip address from his computer. 

He asked me to be patient.  He told me he missed me. 

He came home; took his w to his company’s holiday party and stayed in the hotel we always stayed at; took his family to Florida in February and fucked his wife for the first time ever; and called me and texted me and told me that he loves me, misses me, needs me. 

He went to marriage counseling; he told me he was trying to reconcile/to fix things at home, to fix things with everyone – but me.

He & his w sent me an email telling me that “I’m sorry I hurt you.  However comma I love my wife and my family.”

He made plans to be with me then took his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 3 days before our meeting. 

He didn’t want to hurt anyone.  He hurt me.

366 days after d-day and MM is getting divorced. 

366 days after d-day MM went to the police to file a complaint against his w for menacing and threatening to hurt him.

366 days after d-day, MM’s w has herpes.

366 days after d-day MM has a new home that he calls “ours.”

366 days after d-day MM and I have spent my birthday together, Thanksgiving together and have planned to spend Christmas and New Year’s together.

366 days after d-day, MM isn’t wearing a wedding band.

366 days after d-day I feel that there are some issues that we still need to address; that there are still questions and unresolved hurt; that I’m still owed some apologies.

366 days after d-day is completely different than I thought it was going to be the day after d-day.

Addiction

November 12, 2010

I have a friend who works in a hospital helping addicted people – mostly teens, but anyone with an addiction.  The other night we spoke about heroine, methadone and what it does to quiet the need for other.  My understanding is that methadone quiets the receptors that call for the heroine, thereby diminishing the need/urge/addiction.  I asked my friend that if we can quiet those receptors in the brain, why we can’t use methadone to help other addictions.  For example someone addicted to alcohol, or shopping or food or going to the gym or is in love with a MM?  Why if we can use methadone to quite the “needy” receptors in someone’s brain and cause them to refrain from shooting heroin, couldn’t we find something to, let’s say, quiet the brain’s need to be in love with a married man?

My MM has kept me up to speed on every single gory detail about his divorce.  I know that I’ve written about that, but it never ceases to amaze me.  I know about the discovery demands and responses, the deposition testimony, the acrimony about dividing up the personal property and on and on and on.

There’s something interesting in a relationship with a MM (and I don’t mean boyfriend.)  While we, the OW, accept their position as married, from my perspective I didn’t find the ugly green monster of jealousy rise too much to the surface.  Every once in a while it would bother me.  In fact, for the most of my relationship with MM, I didn’t ask him whether he and his w were having sex.  I didn’t want to think about it and so I didn’t ask.  I knew that it was infrequent, if at all and he told me more than once that he was more married to me that way, than to her.  I remember him telling me the last time he and his w had sex was in October 2008.  That when she would initiate, he would say he was tired or something.  I wasn’t having sex with anyone else during that time – but went out on dates, kissed, held hands, thought about it, but nothing further.

MM was in town for business this week.  I have the flu.  So off he went to work, and I stayed in bed.  He has left some clothes here, some papers, some toiletries – to establish an existence here while he prepares to move out of his house and into a new home – like a dual residency.  He empties out his suitcase and puts his stuff in drawers in my home.  He put his bag on the window sill and I went to move it to close the window and noticed that there was “stuff” inside the bag.  It turned out to be papers, folders of his legal/matrimonial action.  I’ve seen all of the documents – he has forwarded everything to me.  Except the deposition transcript.  Which was in the bag.  Which screamed at me to read it.  So, whether I should have or shouldn’t have, I did.  And I didn’t like what I read.  While I knew he was questioned extensively about the infamous apology letter he wrote to his w, during his exile, I didn’t know how much effort he put into “fixing” his marriage, making it work, atoning for the sins of his affair, apologizing for putting his family at risk and everything he loves (none of it was me, of course) and how very stupid and selfish he was, how very much he loves his w more than anything.  What I learned was that he took her to the holiday party at his new company (from which he has since been fired) and stayed at the same hotel that he and I would stay in when I would come to his town; that he brought her on a business trip to another state that he had ASKED ME TO GO WITH HIM TO, in February 2010, that up until July or August, he and his w would share a bottle of wine.  That a month before the deposition (in September) he was still, albeit rarely, continuing to look at on-line pornography/women.   But the one thing that I saw, shoved into the transcript was a piece of paper with his hand written notes, detailing all of the sexless vacations they had and how even when they were intimate, there was no connection, that whenever they would go south to stay with his parents they NEVER had sex EXCEPT THIS PAST FEBRUARY 2010, DURING OUR NO-CONTACT PERIOD.  Actually, it was worse than that – he had been emailing me and calling me and then, out of the blue, he told me that he had to think things through but that I was complicating things and he needed to do this on his own.  That was the week he was down south with his parents, fucking his wife.  I can’t get it out of my head.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  I’m so angry I could explode.

I went and re-read emails that we were exchanging during that “no contact” period of time.  Almost every email started with “I hope you will forgive me for the way I behaved” or “I’m sorry that I hurt you and realize how much I love you, need you and want to be with you” or “I don’t want you to resent me for what I have to go through, but I’m doing this so that I can be stronger” or “I don’t want to resent you for doing something that I’m not ready to do” or “I’m sorry for . . . .”  Ironically, he wrote a multi-page email telling his wife how sorry he was for the “stupid mistake” he made by falling in love with me. 

What I know about MM and what I have since learned about him are as follows:

1.  He’s weak – he does what everyone tells him to do (except me, of course)

2.  He’s a pleaser – he wants everyone to like him and he can’t stand when anyone is angry with him

3.  He’s not as a smart as I thought or as well-rounded as I thought – but, on the upside he seems more amenable to changing than I thought he would be

4.  He’s weak

5.  He is insecure

6.  He is naive and childlike

7.  He doesn’t have a very good head for business, but can retain a tremendous amount of information

8.  He’s weak

9.  He’s cheap – but I wonder if that’s (a) because he was married and couldn’t spend his money on me or else she would find out; (b) has been unemployed since June; or (c) because that’s just what he is.

10.  He’s unimaginative in bed.  He’s a good lover but uninspiring.

11.  He’s a liar – aren’t all MM who have affairs, liars?  Don’t they have to live double lives in order to be with someone other than their wives, their families.  Why would I think that if he could lie to his w for all those years, that I’m the only one that he’s honest with.  What a big ego I must have to think that way.  How delusional I must be to think that way.  How addicted I must be to think that way.  I wonder if I were to get an injection of methadone, whether that would help the receptors in my brain behave more clearly.

“Why” is a crooked letter

October 26, 2010

You know how there are times when all you want to do is vent, scream at the top of your lungs, drink a bottle of wine, eat a pint of ice cream, sit in front of the TV but something inside you stops you from doing that.  And you do the responsible thing.  Get up, go to work, make dinner, do laundry, smile, exchange pleasantries.  And you feel like tearing your hair out.  Or ripping his face off.  But you don’t.

I have read a number of posts where the entries have talked about deleting MM’s old emails and how cathartic it was.  I have read them enviously.  I can’t do it.  I couldn’t block his phone and I can’t delete the old emails.  I like to re-read them.  Especially the ones that burn my butt.  I don’t know why.  I have most of our emails from all the pseudonym email addresses.  In the throws of the affair, I used to love to read them over.  The ones telling me how much he loves me, misses me, aches for me.  How I complete him, am his soul mate.  After d-day, and his bullshit no contact email, there were no emails for a while.  I called him towards the end of January to tell him how angry I was that he blocked me on facebook but refused to call him and refused to email him.  If he wanted to speak to me, he could call me.  If he wanted to email me, I would think about responding.   That ended our “no contact” but the pseudonym email addresses persisted.  I didn’t want to call him because I did not want to be portrayed as the crazy OW, and have some sort of restraining order against me.  That wasn’t me.  You don’t want to talk to me, I’m not calling.  That doesn’t mean I wont answer the phone. 

So today, I was looking through some emails.  My favorite is the “However comma I love my wife.”  But then, like a detective, I looked through some more.  The email from him, out of the blue, after we had talked that simply said “IMY”  (I miss you).  The date on that was February 13.  Was that before or after he went to down south with his W and kids to see his parents, while he was “trying to figure everything out” so “we shouldn’t talk that week.”  I found the emails where we talked about making plans to see each other.  Then a few intermittent emails, because he was sick.   Sunday night he writes to tell me that he got a lot of rest over the weekend, but now I know that he went to the Caribbean with his W for her birthday that weekend.  Must be why I got an email at 10:30 am and then not another one until 9:30 pm (when he got home.)   I was able to get angry all over again. 

I saw MM this weekend.  We were talking about funny names.  And he told me that when he was at a resort, he saw someone with a funny name tag.  When I asked him what resort, he said he didn’t want to tell me because I would get angry.  OH HOW RIGHT HE WAS!!!  I told him that I didn’t find anything funny about that time.  That I didn’t want him to raise that fucking weekend trip to me ever again.  That what was “funny” was that he has apologized to everyone but me and that I want a fucking apology.  That what I find “funny” is that he doesn’t ask about who I was dating, seeing, screwing, but that he should rest assured that I wasn’t sitting home, holding my blackberry waiting for it to buzz.  Because, “however comma” I was working on my future. 

Oh, I feel the blood boil, and the anger course through my veins.  Will it ever stop?  I told MM this past weekend, that I need to get it out of my system.  He treated me like I was disposable.  (In fact, I used those very words in an email to him.)  He wrote, in an email, that he was concerned that I shouldn’t hate him for the way he treated me during those months when he was “working on his marriage” and “going to marriage counseling” all the while telling his W that I am his soul mate but telling me that he is in MARRIAGE counseling!!!!  Why else does one go to marriage counseling except to work on their marriage.

Then I found the email where he told me that he told his W, and she agreed, that they should separate.  He was “physically” sick. 

I grew tired of looking at those emails and skipped to the ones that he has since sent me under his real name.  My favorite, as of late, is the 7 page email he sent to his W while in exile immediately after d-day.  I liked reading her email to him, attached to his string of apologies – telling her he loves her, wants her, needs her and their life and how after knowing each other for almost x-teen years he can’t imagine his life without her –  commanding him to write the email (which he obliged her with) and what it should say.  I liked how he referred to our love affair as a “stupid indiscretion” and something he would never do again.  How she yammered on about how he put his marriage at risk by getting involved with another woman, how he jeopardized her health and risked getting STDs, how she was hurt that he told me that he loved me “very much”.   What amazed me as I read (and of course, got angry) was that he never told her to go fuck herself.  He never told her the truth.  He never said to her “You’re right.  I was dishonest with you.  I should have left years ago, but I couldn’t.  Now I’ve met someone else, someone I love deeply, someone I believe is my soul mate.  I’m sorry I hurt YOU, however comma I’m leaving you.”  Why couldn’t he do that?  What was he thinking? 

Why?  Why?  Why?  Will I ever stop asking why?  Will I ever let it go?  Am I capable of letting it go?

When I was a little girl, and I would ask my parents “why”, they would oftentimes give me the non-answer:  “Y is a crooked letter.”  I never understood that it was a diversion, not an answer, never an answer.  Why is a crooked letter.

Bat out of Hell

October 8, 2010

I’m exhausted.  It has been a long week.  A long couple of weeks.  I’m stressed out about finding work and earning a living.  My job has been eliminated and now I’m facing working as 100% commission driven or finding another employee/employer job.  I’ve been networking, setting up meetings, sending out my resume, posting for jobs, calling people.  I’m not sleeping so well.  I’m eating, for the first time ever, from nerves.  My exercise routine is off.  I’m not making or returning social calls and am a bit freaked out.  Not to mention that the kids are back in school and we have yet to find a comfortable routine.  My ex is delinquent and refusing to meet his child support obligations for no reason but spite.  The list is endless.  Like my stress.

MM is still unemployed.  MM is still living at home with his W, MIL and kids.  The sale of MM’s house is still pending bank approval.  MM is in the same position today as he was in April.  6 months have come and gone.  And he’s still no where.  I want to scream at him, I want to hold him, I want to cut him loose, I want to be with him.  One of my comments mentioned that what we all seek is clarity.  True.

It is also true that what I seek is action.  I hate the purgatory.  Isn’t that the problem with no contact?  What is he thinking?  And we all answer that in whatever way suits us best.  How could his W take him back?  Again, we answer that in ways that please us.  But it is all speculation.  There is nothing definitive.  Will he call?  Should I call?  Should I delete the old emails?  Should I block his number?  Did he block my number?  What if I move on and then he wants to be with me?  What if I wait for him and he never leaves his W for me?  It is the inaction that kills me.  It is the lack of answers that eats at my very being.  It is the lack of definite movement in any direction that galls me.  And what I hate is the indecision it causes in me. 

I’m focused on the end game – what I want, where I want to be.  Weakness, as I have so often said, is not an option in my life.  It is insufferable.  My older daughter said to me the other day the reason she doesn’t like MM is that he doesn’t ever seem to do anything to help himself; that he waits for me to fix everything for him.  She wonders why, if I can be strong and take care of things that I do, why can’t he.  I was driving my younger child to a friend’s house last weekend.  She was listening to her ipod and I was on the phone with MM.  I thought she wasn’t listening (which was a pretty good bet since both earphones were in and I could hear the music through them).  When I was done she said that she knew I was talking to MM because I talk to him like he’s a child – explaining things to him, giving him advice, helping with all the issues in his life.  She said that I have children and he’s not one of them.  Out of the mouth of babes.  She’s right.

MM was deposed a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently there weren’t any questions that were out of bounds.  Everything was fair game.  From what does he say when he hangs up the phone with me (“I love you”), to the first time we had sex (in a hotel on a business trip, after a couple of drinks), to whether we have a connection (which he said we do), to whether he and his W have a “story book marriage” (a lie, he said, written to appease her and to get back into the house to see his kids.  Yeah, a horror story book).  It seemed ridiculous and a waste of money.  The only thing that was solved was his W’s curiosity about me, about him, about “us.”

So, his W is dating.  She seems to be a serial monogomist.  It is her 3rd serious boyfriend since they decided to get divorced.  Funny that she was so allegedly concerned about MM giving her STD’s from sleeping with me and yet she has been attempting to fuck her way to happiness.  She spends all of her energy trying to go out and be with her current beau.  How do I know all this?  Because he emailed MM about getting phone calls from a blocked number.  Neither MM nor I would have called this person, nor did we know he existed.  Of course the email unleashed an investigation by MM and after looking at cell phone bills, saw the existence of his W’s serial monogamy.  Good for her.  She’s happy.  Fucking a different guy every couple of months.  And spending tens of thousands of dollars asking MM about me.  Yeah.  Happy.  Not.

I’m angry too.  I’m angry that MM tells me what his W is doing, where she’s going, what she says, what his MIL is doing, saying and how she’s behaving.  MM and his W don’t have a parenting agreement in place, because they are living in the same house.  He’s afraid that every time he’s not with his kids a/k/a – being with me – that he’s going to get less and less time with his kids when the divorce is final.  The reality is that he’s going to get every other weekend and 1 night during the week.  Maybe 2.  Maybe not.  Then they are going to split vacations, holidays, etc.  Get the fuck over it!!!  MM has been unemployed since mid-June and spends 7 days a week with his kids, unless he’s with me.  He doesn’t go out with friends, unless I encourage him.  And now that the school year is underway, and while he’s unemployed, he has decided that it is best for him that he come to my town during the week.  Well, that isn’t exactly what is best for me.  And what I hear is that: (1)  W went out tonight and had so much perfume on that the house still smells of it hours later. (2) W has a business meeting 20  minutes from home and is going to stay at a hotel since the morning meetings start early – of course she’s going to be with her boyfriend. (3) W spent $150 on Zappos, $140 at TJ Maxx, $200 at Target and we don’t have enough money to pay the mortgage.  (4) W says she’s going to the supermarket yet is gone for hours – obviously she’s with her boyfriend.  And on and on and on.  I erupted and told him that I don’t care.  That I’m not interested.  That I don’t want to know.  That he should find someone else to talk to about his W.  I’m not the right person for it.  I didn’t share the gory details of my divorce with MM.  It wasn’t his business.  I don’t want to know the details about his divorce.  I want him to move out to the house.  I want him to have a parenting agreement in place.  I’m getting to the end of my rope.  I would prefer to not be with him while this is going on than live through it anymore.  I don’t have any spare energy to fix his problems anymore.  I don’t want to do it.  I can’t afford it – emotionally, financially, time-wise.

I can’t make any more decisions.  I’m tired.  I would like to be in a relationship with someone that lives in my town, but I like not being constrained all the time.  I’m jealous that his W has a boyfriend that lives 15-30 minutes away and that MM and I live 4 hours from each other.  I’m angry that he’s not working, that he’s not making any money, that he can’t take care of me, that he’s so needy, that he’s self-centered. 

I’m angry with myself that I broke no-contact.  I’m angry that I didn’t follow my gut and let this relationship die the death it needed to.  I’m angry that I love him and want to be with him.  I’m angry that I can’t let the past go, that I replay in my mind the hurt he caused me from December through March, the trips he took with W to prove to her that I wasn’t important to him or that she was. I’m angry that I have no interest in being monogamous.  I’m angry that I took the easy way out.  For all of the OW who think that no-contact is cruel, it is the best thing for you.  Embrace it and move on with your lives.  If it were meant to be, it would have been.  Take control of your lives.  Your future is yours for the taking. 

Here’s your chance:  Fly be free.  Or run like a bat out of hell!!!!!  You’re lucky and don’t even know it.

Oh Baby, you’re the only thing in this whole world
That’s pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
There’s always gonna be some light
But I gotta get out
I gotta break it out now
Before the final crack of dawn
So we gotta make the most of our one night together
When it’s over you know
We’ll both be so alone

Like a bat out of hell
I’ll be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone when the morning comes
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And moonlight’s shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you

I’m gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver black phantom bike
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry
And we’re all about to see the light
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole
Everything is stunted and lost
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing’s ever worth the cost

And I know that I’m damned if I never get out
And maybe I’m damned if I do
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I’d rather be damned with you
Well, If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night with you
. . .

Like a bat out of hell
I’ll be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone when the morning comes
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And moonlight’s shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you

“Bat out of Hell” by Meatloaf

Time, touch, acts . . .

June 7, 2010

The 5 love languages, is a book by Gary Chapman.

Time – quality

Touch – more than just sex (Although I’m sure that ranks fairly highs. 🙂 )

Acts (of service) – Actions speak louder than words

Words (of Affirmation) – actions don’t always speak louder than words

Gifts – more than the tangible gift, but the thought behind it.

I admit that I haven’t read the book.  I’ve looked at the site and very good friend of mine has talked to me about it at length.  The truth is, it is common sense.  In order to make a relationship work, survive or recover, Dr. Chapman talks about finding out what your partner’s “love language” is and fulfilling it.  What is your primary love language?  What, in order of preference, would you put the 5 love languages?  Figuring this out and discussing this with my friend, has given me tremendous insight into who I am, what I want and what is really important to me.

I’ve been seeing MM on a fairly regular basis.  We try to see each other on weekends, we speak and email and text regularly.  I saw MM a couple of  weeks ago and I mentioned the “5 love languages” book and he was shocked.  He told me that a friend of his gave him the book to read in January.  He read it.  His W refused to read.  Why did he read it?  What was he looking for in January?  Why if he was telling his W, his marriage counselor and his friends that I was his soul mate, I was the one that made him happy, would he read a book about “fixing” his marriage?  I didn’t ask him that, but thought it.  What he said was that he thought the book was interesting and posed some thought provoking ideas.  But at the bottom of all of it, was the that the relationship or marriage had to have some foundation, something that was worth fixing, saving in the first instance, or else it was theoretical.  I guess he was telling me that his marriage did not have that foundation.   He mentioned, that after he read the book, he gave it to his W, yet she didn’t read it.  He seemed bothered by that.  Why?  Why would he care what she did/didn’t do, read/didn’t read.  He was looking to find out “who he is”  “what he want(ed)”  where he wants/ed to be.  So whether she read it or not seems irrelevant.  Yet he was perturbed.

We spoke about what we each think our primary “love language” is.  We seem to be on the same page.  I guess that’s good. 

MM met with his lawyer a couple of  weeks ago.  Finally.  He likes her.  Thinks she’s smart, has been doing this for a long time and is pleased with the selection.  He filed an answer to his w’s complaint and filed a counter-claim, suing her for divorce.  Although it is just a formality.  He alleged irreconcilable differences.  His w alleged that and “cruel and inhuman” treatment.  Why would she do that?  Why wouldn’t she allege adultery?  And funny, the date she alleged for the cruel and inhuman treatment was 2 days before she discovered his affair.  Was that just sloppy lawyering?  MM seems to think so.  Funny – in his state, you need to have proof of physical acts of abuse and he would never have done that.  Quite the opposite – she has exhibited those traits.  There’s some thought that the allegations will go for child support/custody, but nothing more. 

He shared some of the things he learned from his attorney with w.  I asked him what he was thinking?  And he said, that he just thought some of it was interesting.  Is he for real?  Or is he in denial?  I’m at a loss at this point that his foolishness seems to know no bounds.  I told him that whatever he thought he had, whatever he wished he had didn’t exist and probably never existed.  He has to protect himself, his kids and whatever will remain of his assets in the same manner that his w is looking out for number 1.  I don’t fault her for that in the least.  I think it is as it should be.  I fault him for living in some stupid haze, some world of make believe that if he wishes things, they will be so.  Fool.  Don’t all of us OW learn that lesson pretty early on – wishing doesn’t make it so.

I am not quite sure where this is going.  I’m frustrated by his behavior.  I’m frustrated when he talks to me about all the things that have to get done.  I’m frustrated when he talks about being sad, depressed.  I’m angry when he talks about what his w is doing, saying, when he sends me her emails and asks me for help responding.  I’m furious when he tells me hasn’t heard from the bank about his mortgage and then tells me his w called and found out what’s going on.  I’m angriest when I sit back and think – if his w hadn’t asked him for the divorce when she came back  from her vacation, whether he would have, as he told me, have gone through with asking.  I’m the sloppy second.  I’m not the one he chose.  I’m just the one still here.  That makes me a fool.  That makes me cautious, withholding, untrusting.  That makes me the OW in an affair.

I saw MM this past weekend.  I drove to his town.  We stayed in a hotel.  He’s still living in the basement of his house so there’s no place we can stay together.  I sent him an email a couple of months ago – about what I felt about him, what I thought it meant to love someone.  He shared that with his friend who gave him the “5 love languages.”  His friend said, after reading it, why aren’t you with her?  Why aren’t you driving to get her and be with her?  That’s a good question.  Why didn’t he?  Why did he still have a million excuses?  Why was he incapable of picking me?

What I have thought is that his behavior has caused me to be cautious.  To not really “give myself” to him.  To keep things about me hidden.  During our relationship, I didn’t share some very important personal things with him.  He didn’t get to know those things.  They were reserved for real friends; for those people that would answer my call when they were at dinner, sitting on the sofa, watching tv.  Not for someone who would be doing those things with his wife and would click “ignore” if my call should come at an inopportune time.  I understood that and kept him at arms length.  It is why I’ve questioned my feelings for him.  Do I love him?  Am I in love with him?  Or – is it simply the sex.  Is it being adored/loved by someone, being looked at that way, like I’m the most beautiful, the smartest, the most incredible person in the world.  Am I in love with being loved and adored or am I in love with him?  I don’t now what the answer is.

MM and his w need to arrive at a parenting schedule for their kids.  Right now it is “catch as catch can.”  Not very organized.  W has refused to have this conversation with him; and has sent an email, ghost written by her lawyer, to MM about what she thinks would be best.  Needless to say, he doesn’t agree.  Right now, she will go out on Friday night, he will be with the kids, he will take the kids to their activities on Saturday and wont be free until late afternoon.  Then it starts over on Sunday.  It is difficult on a number of levels but MM and I live a 4 hour car ride away from each other.  It’s OK to make that drive if you have 2 days, but tough to do for dinner.  I understand also, that MM has focused much of his attention and his affection on his kids in an almost unnatural way.  Since there hasn’t been a healthy adult relationship, he has focused all of his attention on his kids.  Too much.  All the time.  I get it.  I did that.  But at some point you realize that you need to take care of yourself too.  You can’t cause your kids to feel responsible for your happiness.  You need to find that for yourself.  I don’t want to spend all of time “teaching” MM what to do.  I question whether he could be my partner, my equal.

MM’s w is doing on-line dating.  She’s on line all the time.  She’s also amassed a group of angry women – women scorned in some way by their boyfriend, husband, lover and they spend a lot of time bashing men.  I don’t really understand that mentality.  I also don’t really understand what her hurry is to date.  Certainly she’s angry, she’s hurt, she’s bruised.  Why wouldn’t she want to take some time to stop, look around, heal and then move on.  It seems diabolical.  I understand just about all of her behavior except that.  She reminds me of my ex-husband.  Neither one of them were emotionally hurt – they were egotistically hurt.  Neither one of them are capable of doing anything for anyone except themselves, they are used to having others do it for them, so now – they are single mindedly focused on themselves, at all costs.  It is very sad, lonely and empty. 

I’m still the OW.  I haven’t met any of his friends, yet they all know about me.  How is that?  Either his W made him call them and tell them when she found out, OR she called them to tell them, because, as she said, she has no friends of her own.  She blames him for the state of their marriage, their lives, their financial problems, because, as she says he was the one fucking someone else for the past 3 years.  He tells me he finds that crass of her to say, and untrue.  He wasn’t “fucking” someone else, he fell in love with someone else.  Does he tell her that?  What do you think?  Of course not.  He stands there, silently, saying nothing and allowing himself to be chastised.  I am coming to the end of my rope.  Be with me, or don’t be with me.  Defend me and stop apologizing for me.  Stop being a victim, stop being a passenger in your own life.  If you can’t do that now, it will only get harder as time goes by.  And the clock is tick tick ticking.

Where do I go?

May 22, 2010

I saw MM this past week 2x.  We had a great time.  We golfed, made love, made love, slept and then got to do it all over again the next day.  We had a wonderful business meeting on Wednesday evening and on Thursday I walked with MM to his W’s lawyer’s office where he picked up the complaint that his W filed against him for divorce.  Despite the conversations they’ve had about preserving whatever little assets they have, and being co-petitioners, she borrowed almost $8,000 from her mother and sued him for divorce.  Asking for the sun, the moon and the sky.  Of course, he’s freaked out.  About the demand (unrealistic and ungrantable as it may be) and the cost of an attorney and how litigation will take whatever little money they have.  He watched me go through a horrible, acrimonious divorce, but at a minimum, I could “afford” it.  (Even though it ate through my savings, for me, it was worth every penny.)  He’s freaked out. 

I spoke to him on Monday about seeing him this weekend – I offered to drive to his town.  He gave me a non-answer and on Friday, at 4:30 told me that if I still wanted to make the drive, he would like to see me from 3:00 pm on Saturday until 9:00 am on Sunday because his W was going to be spending the day with some of her new-found man-hating friends on Sunday.  I didn’t even answer him.  Until today.  When I answered, I told him – forget it.  I asked him to spend the weekend  with me; I was free from Friday until Monday morning and he said nothing until he found out his w had plans.  If he’s going to see me out of spite, I don’t want to see him.  If he’s going to be reactive to her, don’t see me.  I’m an affirmative choice, a first choice or else I’m no choice.  I asked him: What if you were the one with plans on Sunday and not her?  What if you were the one that made plans on mother’s day and not her?  What if you were the one that had a date last Friday and not her?  Are you going to spend the rest of your life babysitting for her?  Being shit on by her?  Am I going to take a back seat to her?  The answer to the last question is – NO.  Not in this fucking lifetime, my friend. 

He’s meeting with his lawyer on Tuesday.  I get that he’s anxious.  But for goodness sake, stop being a doormat.  The most interesting thing is that he lives in a state where you can get a no-fault divorce – a divorce on irreconcilable differences, irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.  Incredibly, his w sued him and alleged no fault and in the alternative pled “cruel and inhuman treatment” (the most common “fault” divorce grounds) and did not allege adultery.  I wonder why she did that.  My ex accused me of adultery with someone who he named (not MM) and someone who I wasn’t having even sleeping with. The most incredible thing is that I live in state where adultery is a ground for divorce AND a CRIME.  I’m surprised that she didn’t allege those grounds.  MM is hung up on the cruel and abusive treatment ground.  I told him that it is nothing and if that if anyone has grounds to plead that, it is him.  She hit him, she pushed him into the wall, she yelled at him and exiled him and he did nothing.  When I think about those times, it makes my blood boil.  When I think about what he did, what he put up with, that he said nothing, did nothing, it makes me angry.  It makes me so angry that I wonder sometimes, when I think of it, whether I’ll be able to get over it.  Whether I’ll be able to look at him and think better of him. 

It is that ultimate question: did he pick me or did he simply allow his w to decide.  In my heart I think it is the latter.  In my heart, as I think that it is the latter, it will not be good for a future relationship with him.  Because I don’t want to think, as I’ve written relentlessly, that he didn’t choose me.  I want to be chosen, not a fall back, not a second.  If his W hadn’t asked for the divorce, would he have?  If she hadn’t filed/sued him for divorce, what would he have done?  I know the answers but I don’t like thinking about them.  I’m good at self deceit but only for a limited period of time.

As I face the future, I’m concerned – about his neediness; about my lack of trust; about his remorse; about my anger; about his guilt; and finally about my intolerance and impatience.

Where do I go?  What do I do?

Where do I go?
Follow the river
Where do I go?
Follow the gulls

Where is the something?
Where is the someone?
That tells me why I live and die

Where do I go?
Follow the children
Where do I go?
Follow their smiles

Is there an answer
In their sweet faces?
That tells me why I live and die

Follow the wind song
Follow the thunder
Follow the neon in young lovers’ eyes

Down to the gutter
Up to the glitter
Into the city
Where the truth lies

Where do I go?
Follow my heartbeat
Where do I go?
Follow my hand

Where will they lead me?
And will I ever
Discover why I live and die?

Why do I live?
Why do I die?
Tell my why
Tell me where
Tell my why
Tell me why

Hair; Macdermot, Galt; Rado, James; Ragni, Gerome

It’s Done, Part deux

May 13, 2010

How do I feel is a big question. 

I never asked him to leave his wife for a number of reasons.  I didn’t want to hear him say no and I didn’t want to hear him say yes.  I kept myself emotionally distant and found many reasons why not to be with him.  I could have stayed as the “other woman” forever, through other relationships, through another partnership.  I don’t know why I felt that way.  I was able to be more objective and critical than one would expect.  We’re very different, he and I.  He’s very much my opposite.  I think he takes a lot of strength and courage from me.  He’s learned a lot from me and I have learned from him.  The friends that I’ve discussed him & the affair with think I should re-evaluate.  More specifically, they think, in the long run, he’s not for me.  I’ve talked about competition – I couldn’t stand the idea of losing.  I told him, the last time we were together, on December 4, 2009, that I was going to move on.  I wasn’t emailing him quickly or returning his calls.  I was finding reasons to not travel to see him.  But when his wife found out about us, he cut me out completely.  Of course she told him to do it, but still, it was horrible.  I was stunned.  And what I thought about, over and over was the idea that I would lose.  Why wouldn’t he pick me?  That’s what went through my mind.  Not the endless thoughts that my life was over but that I was going to lose.  I hate losing.  Like you can’t even begin to imagine.  I’m all about the competition.  It doesn’t even matter what the prize is at the end. 

It took me months to think about what I felt and to even tell anyone about my feelings.  And I wonder if my feelings grew because the relationship was over, because I had lost and I could romantacise it and it was safe to say things, because I wouldn’t have to commit to anything.  (I think that maybe I’m not good at committing either.) 

I started the relationship for selfish reasons.  He was in love with me for a long time before anything happened.  I knew it and didn’t care.  I liked being loved like that.  It was obvious to everyone.  I was going through a horrible time with my divorce and this guy loved me – thought I was smart, funny, kind, beautiful on and on.  My ex told me and treated me like I was garbage.  Quite a dichotomy.
 
If a married person doesn’t leave for the “other” person in an affair within the first 6 months, they don’t leave.  I didn’t expect him to leave.  We talked about all the reasons why he couldn’t do it.  That was fine.  It made me bitchy from time to time.  I dated.  I flirted.  I wasn’t always alone.  I didn’t tell him.  Ever.  He had some funny rules about that.  I heard them.  No one makes rules for me like that.  I hate that.  It suffocates me.  So, I’m confused, to say the least.  I blogged, I cried, I moved on.  I tried to move on.
 
He said some mean things to me and wrote some cruel emails to me when we weren’t allowed to speak to each other.  I knew the genesis of them and the reasons for them coming to me, but we didn’t speak to each other for 2 months.  Not a word.  Not an email – except the ones his wife drafted to me.  He unfriended me on everything, blocked my phone numbers, emails, etc.  I’m sure you can imagine.  So – psychologically I started to move on.  This, now, blows my mind.  How do I feel?  I’m confused.  I’m distrusting.  I’m not really sure.

So,  I went to see him a couple of weeks ago in his town.  We stayed at a lovely hotel.  It was the first time that we touched since December 4, 2009.  All of time and space disappeared.  It was incredible to see him.  To hold him.  To touch him.  To be held and touched by him.  It was as if no time had passed.  He cried.  I wanted to hold him.  And then I wanted to slap him.  Why was he crying if he was with me.

Why?  MM is struggling with his demons – about his “failed” marriage, raising his children, having a relationship with someone far away, his parents, siblings, etc.  He’s sad.  I understand.  I’m impatient.  I should be more supportive.  I’m very supportive.  I’m impatient.  I loathe self pity.  I hate myself for wallowing in it, when I’m there.  His wife retained a lawyer.  It made him sad.  His wife is on match.com.  It made him sad. (She’s a narcissist.)  She wrote that she’s “separated”.  It made him sad.  She asked for the divorce.  Poor, pitiful, victimized him.  Snap out of it.  Are you kidding!!  I understand.  I told him to talk to a lawyer in December.  He didn’t.  I told him to speak to his wife, years ago, about how unhappy he was.  He didn’t.  He’s the ultimate passive.  He hurt me in December – when he turned his back on me because he was freaked out at having been “caught”, again in January – when he wrote me a horrible, cold email (“However comma”), February – when he was going to try and work things out in his mind without me and then took his family to Florida the week we weren’t speaking, and in March – when he was bullied into taking his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 2 days before he was going to see me and not telling me before/after he went, but I found out about it.  How could he tell me that he loves me and treat me like that?  How could he tell me, that when the shit hit the fan, that he was concerned about doing right by everyone – and everyone didn’t include me?  How could he tell me that he wants to spend his life with me, and treat me like that?  How could he think that I forgive him so quickly?  I don’t.  When I think about it, I want to kill him.  He has a long road to hoe and my sympathy sometimes is not forthcoming. 

He told me that he felt horrible when his wife told him that he caused her pain.  Guess what?  He hasn’t said that to me.  Or apologized to me.  I guess I’ll get over that.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  What I understand about MM is that he’s weak and I’m strong.  Ultimately, I’m afraid that I might destroy him. 

Or worse, that I will trust him and he will hurt me.
 
So I’m confused.  There’s a lot to think about.  I withheld plenty from him – emotionally and personally.  I didn’t talk to him when my divorce got really horrible and ugly.  I retreated and said nothing.  I didn’t want him to see me cry.  That’s reserved for the friends who will be there at a moments notice.  For someone that can make me feel better or simply just be there.  And he wasn’t that person, because he was married to someone else.  Where do I go with that.  If I were to trust him, would I be making a mistake?  Should I?  Am I capable of that? 

He’s sleeping in the basement.  He’s not wearing his wedding band.  They told the kids that they are getting divorced.  He came to my town last weekend to be with me.  We slept in my bed, held hands, walked the dog, bought ice cream, watched tv.  We talked.  It was really incredible to just be normal.  To not be a secret. 

I’ve yelled at him a number of times.  I’m angry still and hurt still.  I can’t help but bring up the time when we weren’t speaking.  The time that he took his wife to the Caribbean and not me; that he talked to mutual friends and not me; that his life continued without me.  He hopes that his mother will like me.  He can’t wait to introduce me to his friends.  He’s excited and happy to be able to tell people that he loves me, freely and honestly.  I’m reserved.  I’m wary.  I’m concerned.  I’m nervous.  I’m afraid.  I’m not sure.  Affairs are one thing.  Relationships are something else.  How do you move from being a secret to not being a secret?  From being second, to being first?  From being a friend, to being a partner?

There is so much to talk about.  So many issues to discuss.  So much time ahead of us.  It’s scary.  It’s exciting.

Denial Ain’t just a river in Egypt

April 17, 2010

Denial.  A river in Egypt.  Or me.

I’ve been emailing and speaking with my MM.  Well, not exactly speaking but instant messaging.  We spoke about a week ago for the first time in a while.  It’s always so great to hear his voice.  He told me that he’s madly, head over heels in love me and that we’ll get through this.

Queen of Denial.  Cleopatra.  No, Me.

He told me that his w was writing an a marriage board and he found and read her posts.  I asked him how he found her and he told me.  Being the devious, stalking OW, I searched and found the posts too.  I read them, re-read them, re-re-read them.  I’m obsessed with reading them.  They are amazing.  I’ve thought about it a million times – what is she thinking; what is she doing with him; why is she getting into bed with him every night; why does she want to take him back.  On the flip side I’ve wondered about what my MM has told his w about me – then and what he says about me now.

In the posts his w talks about his obsession with happiness, and that the OW (me) makes her husband happy and that she wants to stomp on his throat; that getting into bed with him, sickens her; that she can’t go through her life married to this self-absorbed jackass.  She wrote about the “However comma” email that he sent me and admitted that she wrote/they wrote it together as part of this “program” but that the OW disregarded it;  that her H says the OW is his soul mate; that she wants to divorce him but they can’t afford it.  She says that the affair didn’t end the way it was supposed to but petered out until we stopped talking, all the time he was tormenting her about it and she would find him lying.  And then finally she says in the posts that we don’t speak.  That we don’t have any contact except when I call him, on occasion for work.  That’s unbelievable.  Because that’s a lie.  He emails me, he texts me, he calls me.  He tells me loves me, that he wants to be with me, that he aches for me.  So when we next spoke, I asked him about his professed honesty – that he’s honest with me, that he tells me everything BUT why doesn’t he tell his W anything?  He wants to be honest, but not with her.  Because it will make a bad situations worse, was how he answered me.  Worse for who?  And I made him tell me: his W, her mother, his parents.  And again, there was no regard for me.  Honest, once again, didn’t include me.  Make a bad situation worse for the protection of his W, but not for me. 

His w and kids are going on vacation next week without him.  He’s asked me to come to his town to see him.  I asked him where he thought I was going to stay and he said that he thought we could stay in a hotel.  I told him that I wasn’t a whore.  If he wanted to be with me, we could stay at his home.  If he wants to be with me, be with me, stop hiding me and making me a secret.  Hold my hand in public.  Tell me you love me publically.  Be with me or don’t be with me. 

I have tried to be the good OW, the patient OW, the one that he wants to be with and yet, I can’t hold my tongue.  The  email I sent this morning is, I’m hoping the last one.  I need to move on.  I can’t live in the state of limbo anymore. 

I wrote:

  • I don’t know why you continue to beat yourself up.  I think you know what you want but are afraid to act.  I think that we all have a million excuses and rationalizations but in the end, that’s what they are.  You say you can’t imagine not having your children, but where are they going?  You say you can’t imagine not being with your son when he’s an adolescent – where are you going?  I have a friend of mine who is divorced and has joint custody and in the past 6 months as her son has turned 16, he spends more than 75% of his time with his father.  Not to mention that as they get older, it is less about what you want and more about what they want – whose house they’re sleeping over at, what party they are going to – has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and your goal as a parent is to shove them out the door, to be with their friends, their peers, give them wings to fly.  I feel most like a failure when my kids are home, without plans.  You have spent the past months focusing all of your energy on your kids – every single waking second.  It’s not healthy for any of you to do that.  It’s not all about the kids.  Worse – is when they will start to understand that and then feel responsible for your happiness.  In context – my younger daughter was 8 when my ex and I separated. She was elected to student council this year; she has a “boyfriend” and is an A student.
     
    I shared these thoughts with a friend of mine about being in love and being vulnerable:
    “Have you ever been so in love with someone that when it ended you thought you couldn’t breathe?  That you couldn’t imagine what would happen the next day without him?  That your insides were ripped open and you didn’t know how to reassemble them.  That when you were with that person, time stood still – literally – and the next thing you know, it was time to leave.  That someone could look at you and make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world, the smartest, most amazing, most confident, beautiful (inside and out) person; that what they saw in you was better than what you saw in yourself.  To love like that, be in a relationship like that – that’s being vulnerable.  That’s a gift.  Do you think that you get that more than once in a lifetime?  Not too easy to walk away from that.  And that has nothing to do with money, kids, a mortgage, a job.  Isn’t that what we look for?  That ache and desire to be with that one person who, corny as it sounds, completes you.  Who makes you feel when you look at them, that that is where you’re supposed to be, where you want to be.  Where you belong?
     
    My favorite expression is that life is not like a game of a jacks.  You don’t get to the end and then get a do-over.  You have one life with lots of chances.  Every day you get to start over and do what you want.  But people get bogged down with the “stuff” of life – money, kids, jobs, etc.  I think that’s just the biggest cop-out ever.  I don’t believe that things are mutually exclusive.  If the fire is hot, you move your hand away from the stove, you don’t leave it there to burn.”
     
    That’s what I felt we had (in fact that’s what I was describing).  That’s what I want in my life.  I don’t believe this nonsense of addiction, bad moral character.  I don’t think that people who have affairs are bad.  Good people have affairs.  They may do things that are hurtful – but to what end?  To finding some happiness in the finite time we have.  I don’t believe it is wrong to look for happiness.  I think it is a sin and a crime to walk away from it. 
     
    I think, MM, that you are a lot like me, but your fear is overwhelming to you.  You are paralyzed by your indecision and hope that someone else will make the decision for you.  If you were to tell your wife we were speaking and saw each other and wanted to see each other, she would make the decision for you.  I want to see you this week.  I blocked out time to come to MA to see you, too.  It is purgatory and hell.  “You know I want to grow old with you, don’t you” are words that I can’t get out of my head. 
     
    You’ve asked me if we were to be together, would we always feel this way about each other.  Without a crystal ball, no one knows that answer.  But I do know that in the time we’ve been together, I’ve loved you more; our love making got better despite the fact that I thought it couldn’t and the more time we spent together, the more I wanted to be with you.  I missed you while standing on the sidewalk waving goodbye, when I hung up the phone, when we disconnected from skyping.  The pull I feel towards you is both emotional and physical.  I am attracted to your mind, your heart, your body, your soul.
     
    I love you.  I miss you.  I ache for you.  I too, want to grow old with you, don’t you know.  I think that you’re my soul mate, my destiny, where my life lead me and that we were meant to be.

I’m a master manipulator.  And I hate to lose.

But I’m learning that I’m crazy.  As hard as I try to move on and let go, I can’t seem to do it.  I’ve gone to the social networking sites and have tried to block him.  But the shred of hope that he might choose me, prevented me from doing it.  I was speaking to a dear friend yesterday and said just that.  What’s the worse thing that could happen?  I will have moved on, closed the door and THEN, he will decide he wants to be with me.  How sad.  And it hit me!  Not sad . . . FOR ME because I will have moved on.  Sad for him.  Too late for him.

As they say:

Great love demands great sacrifices.
The love of Antony and Cleopatra epitomize that love is another name for sacrifice