D-Day + 3 +730 days

733 Days

= 17592 Hours
= 1055520 Minutes
= 63331200 Seconds

 It has been 2 years and 3 days since my D-Day of December 9, 2009.  I remember every single second of it, like childbirth.  Where I was, what I was doing, the blood pounding in my head and throughout my body, and how time stood still.  It was like a slow motion movie, where life continued on around me, but I was frozen, in my own cocoon.  Part of the picture yet completely removed.  I remember coming across another blogger who had put a clock app on his iPhone (RBM 🙂 ) that showed how much time had elapsed since he had entered the realm of no-contact; and another blogger (AOW) who had a running calendar of days since d-day, no contact, last kiss, etc.  I felt that I was ‘healing’ when I could no longer remember those critical days and the amount of time that had elapsed.  After all, we say that time heals all wounds.  But does it?  Do you ever forget?  I remember asking another blogger (TVExplorer) if you ever really get over it and he simply replied that you think about it less and less.  Not really the answer I was looking for.  And who would have thought that 733 days after my d-day I would have the answer. 

This time of year depresses me.  I think it always had.  The forced joviality, happiness, togetherness.  The expectations put on making everything “just so” with family and friends.  Nothing ever lives up to those expectations or re-adjusted childhood memories.  Does Disney have a license on brainwashing?  I was one of the “lucky ones” that had d-day further ruin my December holiday time.  My xMM’s w called me on 12/9 to share with me her new found knowledge; xMM called me on 12/14 to tell me of his exile and then we silently slipped into no-contact.  Holiday parties, Christmas, xMM’s birthday – all came and went – with no-contact.  And that was 2 years ago. 

What I learned after the fact still hurts me and still makes me angry.  xMM wrote a confessional letter to his w about all of the horrible things he did (me) and how much he loved her, their life, how much he needed her, and would work tirelessly to restore her trust in him; how MM was the one who blocked me from his Facebook page, his cell phone, his home phone, his other social networking sites (but, he would whine, that he didn’t have a choice); how MM was berated over and over, but was “allowed” to return to the loving fold of his w on 12/26, his birthday; the marriage counseling, the trip to the Caribbean, staying in the hotel he and I always stayed in . . . The list seems to go on and on and on. 

Why can’t I let it go?  There are days when I’m fine and I don’t think about anything having to do with the past, and then . . .**THWACK** something reminds me (like Christmas) and the pain, anger and hurt are there again.

This will be our second “outed” December together.  Last year, xMM went to Florida with his kids, to his parents’ house.  I was only allowed to meet them for a quick bite the day before they left.  MM wanted everything to be “just right” and once again, took all of the advice as to how to make that happen from others.  This year, we’re going to spend Christmas and his birthday together – all of us – kids included – at his house.

We had talked about “the tree” this year.  One of the symbols of his married life that haunted me and over which I would obsess.  Did they buy the tree, did they decorate the tree, was it a perfect little family time fit for a Hallmark card all the while he would text me, call me, email me.  This year his children were hurt that their mother (now the x-W) bought a tree without them, but with her new BF.  I spoke to my BF/xMM and offerred to join them for the tree buying, decorating escapade and xMM didn’t say anything to me until this past Friday, that they were going tree shopping on Sunday, which they did.  Needless to say, I was hurt.  I don’t want to speak to him.  So I haven’t.  The fucking tree.  Now I’m going to hate the fucking tree because I’m so good at transferrance.

So 2 years, 0 months and 3 days after D-day, the answer is . . . drumroll, please . . .

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15 Responses to “D-Day + 3 +730 days”

  1. AOW Says:

    My D-Day number one was 7 days before you. OH…the pain of that Christmas. My God, did your post ever bring back old, painful memories.

    Of course, I didn’t end up with my MM. I was drug around and around through hell and muck for a good long time. Over two years later, I am stunned my the still-intense pain of remembering, and the dull, barely scabbed over, everyday ache. But we survived the worst of it, didn’t we? Life gives us no choice but to move forward and keep on living…

    I’m sorry that these memories are not completely buried by now, my friend. I’m glad you have this blog to vent, because I know that it DOES help just to write it down and get those emotions out.

    Don’t hate the tree!! Give him hell–maybe even let him read this blog post??? Hold him accountable for making you feel this way! Then forgive him, love him, and enjoy your holiday! 🙂

    Love you…my blogging sister. I think of you often.

    • Susan Says:

      I just hung up with him after screaming about the tree. It is THE symbol for me. And what he told me is that getting the tree in a week, is too late and that’s not how it is done. Drags all the muck up from the bottom of the ocean – all the memories from all the years asking about the tree. Did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it? Worse is that I had mentioned it to him a number of times and he never responded. Not once. A bit passive aggressive, don’t you think? I told him that had he wanted me there, he would have asked or made an effort and that once again, his actions speak louder than words. (Seems to be my mantra lately.) I was up in his town the weekend before this past one. We walked by the hotel I used to stay at when I was in town and he would stay with me. I told him that it always made me think of him and being there with him, when I walked by. He said nothing. You know why? When I re-read my posts, the answer smacked me in the face. The last time HE was there, was with his WIFE, during NO CONTACT, while going through MARRIAGE COUNSELING and taking her to HIS COMPANY’S HOLIDAY PARTY!!!

      The conversation ended on a bad note. He asked me why I was punishing him. I told him that’s not me – that’s what everyone else does. That I’m hurt by his behavior, by his failure to listen to me (not just hearing, but actually listening) and that obviously once again, everything else is more important. He’s getting on a plane soon for work. I’m glad that I wont have to speak to him. I don’t know about calming down right down.

      I think of you all the time. No, I would never let him read my post. Ever. Yes, undoubtedly ‘sisters.’ Love you too. 🙂

  2. Hope Says:

    That awful tree! I am currently living through that myself. He is buying a tree and decorating it with his partner and his daughter while I put up my own tree alone.

    Do you know what is truly awful? Christmas last year was terrible for me because that is when I found out that he had a partner. Merry effing Christmas Hope! Two days before Christmas is when he sits me down to tell me that he is not ‘single’ and that he had to tell me because it was a wound and he had been desperate to tell me for a long time.

    Yeah… or because it meant that you were spending Christmas with your partner and NOT WITH ME!! Pretty hard to keep hiding that you have a partner then! God…how did I miss it? Sure, his partner lived overseas for a while and then finally moved to this country but really?! How can you miss the warning signs?!

    Maybe I don’t cut him enough slack because every time I saw him there was always a point where he would look at me and start to say something before I watched him bottle out. You could actually see the courage leave him. Took him 6 months before he told me he loved me and I think he almost had a heart attack when he said it to me! But you know what? I think I gave him far too much slack!

    And yes, I was an awful OW. Since I didn’t know about secrecy or the lies I lived our relationship openly – you know, like a normal one! I wore my favourite and strong perfume in his car, I left my clothes everywhere and I ate with him in restaurants, held his hand in public, kissed him in public!

    Living a secret and lie now is just so hard. It’s not even something that I think I can do. He knows that too. It scares him. But I think that losing me is ultimately bearable to him if it means hanging onto his family and the hope that one day, if he tries really hard, it will be exactly the way that he always hoped and wanted it to be.

    I tell him to wake up and live in the real world.

  3. Susan Says:

    Hope – The hardest truth for me to wrap my head around was just that – why wouldn’t he pick me?? Why would he stay? And the answer is because the pain of losing me was bearable and something he could live with and the pain of taking his life apart was not something he was willing to experience. Neither outcome was desireable, but one (losing me) was bearable. Or was it. I wonder if my MM’s w hadn’t pushed the envelope, what he would have done or how long he would have lasted. That nags at me. He and I spoke about him leaving, more than once. He told me that he asked his w to separate but then nothing happened. It wasn’t until she had gone away with her mother and kids and set up a match.com site that she came home and SHE TOLD HIM that she wanted a divorce. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!? Weak. See the thread? Are you making connections?

    Does your MM’s W know about you? What do you think she would do if she knew? What do you think he would do? He can only have his cake and eat it too, if you let him. Don’t let him. You deserve better. You extricated yourself from an abusive relationship. You are so strong and so deserving of having someone love you – openly and fairly. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And it’s not easy. When I had finally had enough, I told MM that I was done. “Shit or get off the pot” as my father would say. He would say that while he was “going through” what he was going through, his biggest fear was that he would lose me. I told him – on the phone, in emails and in chats – I was done. He had lost me. I was dating a couple of nice guys who wanted to hold my hand in public, introduce me to their kids, their friends, their families, not hide me or pretend I didn’t exist in the manner in which I did. Wasn’t the timing perfect – he was allegedly resolute and his wife pulled the trigger. During the time she was away on vacation he asked me to come to his town to see him. I said no. The month before he asked me to go on a business trip with him. Again, I said no. The best part of that one was that his w was so afraid that I was going to be there, that she insisted on accompanying him. Wouldn’t that have been a perfect storm.

    The thing for me was that I was sick and tired of being second. And I entered into my relationship knowing he was married and not caring. You, on the other hand, did not. Your guy is a dog. A liar. A cheat. A coward. He’s weak and scared and pathetic. And is doing nothing to help you heal. If he really truly loved you – he would either leave you alone so you could get on with your life (life you were doing for the past 7 months without him) or leave his shitty life to be with you, the person who makes him happy, his soul mate. I hate to be so blunt and honest. But I’m sure that I’m not the only one telling you that you deserve better than this. You do. And from one addict/whore/junkie/homewrecker to another – you’re better than that. You’re also kind/smart/decent/strong/ fair/beautiful/etc. We should all try and be a little kinder to ourselves don’t you think?

  4. Hope Says:

    Oh… does my MM’s W know about me? She knows he is seeing someone and I am grateful that he didn’t tell her my name.

    In response to being told, she threatened to go to a shelter for abused women with their daughter and have an AVO taken out against him. She promised to take his daughter back to her home country and take him for all he was worth. She told him that no one would believe him and that he wouldn’t get to see his daughter again which is what he deserved.

    He was so upset that he was trembling when he told me, almost crying and trying so hard to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’. He asked me why she would go to the police telling them that he abused her and his daughter? He kept asking if that would look bad when trying for custody in a divorce. I told him to get a lawyer. He decided to talk to her and try to work things out so that he didn’t lose his daughter. He told me that he didn’t know what to do. He told me he was scared. That he was so mixed up because he felt like he was being asked to choose between his daughter and me.

    I deserve better than this. I deserve better than to play second fiddle. I know it. I actually believe it too! But the heart just sees him and I feel this god-awful agony in knowing that he is living and breathing without me. That someone who doesn’t seem to care that much and can go on a 6 month holiday overseas while leaving her husband and daughter behind is the person who gets to see him smile, the person who has the opportunity to listen to his stories, ask how his day was, take care of him when he is ill. It hurts like nothing else.

    I’m angry at myself for loving him. There are lovely men in my life who are upfront and honest about wanting a honest to god relationship with me. Their actions have always matched their words. So why am I stuck loving a man that is a coward and so weak that it would be funny if I didn’t love him so much?

    I am so close to walking away that it actually causes me pain. I am so sad that I am getting to the point where I will say ‘I’m done’ and mean it. I am so sad that the one man I value above all others values me so little. I am so sad that I got to meet him only to have to walk away. I am so sad that he is a weak coward and not the hero that I always saw him as. I am sad that I am the one that gets to make the decision to say good bye.

    Yes, I do need to be kinder to myself. I take strength from reading your blog because it is so similar to my life except that the MM hasn’t left his W. I read what you have written and I know exactly where you are coming from. I’m living through it too. I’m actually grateful to have found somewhere that wasn’t judgemental to talk. It’s very lonely being in love with a MM. You don’t exactly get any support groups for this crap – you CAN get judgement and condemnation in spades though! 😉

    I agree with you that there are so many questions to ask and no acceptable answers. If life is so bad why don’t they leave? If it is so good why do they stray? You are so right that we need to be kinder to ourselves. Life is messy and we all make poor choices but somewhere along the way I think that we learnt kindness and compassion for others who find themselves in the same boat as us. I always used to say that I would never cheat but I did. Now I look at OW and see only the lies, pain and heartbreak they go through. It’s just as real as what a BS goes through (notice the acronyms? I never knew what they were or ever thought that I would need to but here I am using them!).

    My heart goes out to you and the others who have posted here. Much love and ((((((((hugs)))))))))

    • Susan Says:

      Hope – I’m sorry for the delayed response. I’ve been away and in my own funk lately.
      DON’T WALK AWAY – RUN!!!! As fast as you can!!!!! Your xMM’s W is insane and the last thing you want is to get caught up in the middle of that mess. Your xMM has to make a decision – either he’s going to stay or he’s going to leave. If he’s going to leave, he needs to be pro-active, maybe see a lawyer about what his W has threatened. Take the wind out of her sails. That’s no good what she’s doing/saying. What is really horrible and reprehensible is that she is using the child as a pawn. Children benefit from having caring, loving adults in their lives, not by excommunicating them.

      The pain of walking away will eventually heal. You’re not giving yourself an opporutnity to move on, by staying. It is like constantly rubbing a wound and opening until it bleeds, again and again. Yes, he’s weak, yes, he’s a coward. No, he’s not a hero. He’s a liar. He didn’t even tell you he was married!!! What did he think you would do when you found out? How long did he think that he could keep that a secret? By staying, you enable him to make a bad situation bearable. He can endure the misery of his life as long as he knows he has you – on the side – not front and center. Yuck. How long do you want to be “on the side?” I remember being in the same position as you – where there were lovely, kind men who wanted to be in a relationship with me and I didn’t want that. I wanted my MM and worse, I didn’t really want him until after d-day. (so when you think that you’re crazy, remember that there are crazier people out there.) What I do remember from those times is that I was emotionally unavailable to be with these men. And some of them were great. (I haven’t firmly and finally closed the door on all of them either.) I do believe that you can “sleep” your way to some modicum of happiness or at least forgetfullness, but being emotionally connected to someone else is difficult.

      I remember the thought that my xMM was living without me; having fun without me; living a full and rich life without me. Was he thinking about me? Did he miss me? Did he hurt like me? I could barely eat, sleep, work. I was a mess. And he was taking his w and kids to florida to see his parents and have sex there for the first time ever; taking his w to Mexico for her birthday; he was going to his company’s black tie winter party with his W, without me. Smiling photos on line – without me. I wanted to beat that smile off of his face. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even breath and there he was smiling. When I told him I was done waiting for him to “work things out”, he said that he coudn’t live without me. Ha! He seemed to be doing fine. I will forever wonder if his w hadn’t pulled the trigger first, if he would have let me go. And it has been a long time since then.

      As for sympathy – you are always welcome here. There are many more people than you know in the very same situation. You’re right. We don’t have the same kind of support groups but surprisingly (or not) we’re all the same – smart, kind, decent women and men, who found themselves in situations that they would rather have not been in. But then again, you only go around once and wouldn’t it be terrible to never have been in love, to never have been happy. You don’t get to the end and get a do-over.

      ((hugs)))

      • Hope Says:

        Susan – I’m sorry to hear that you have been in a funk. The holiday season seems to be the pits for that sort of thing! I was up and down like a Christmas yo-yo and I hated it. 😦

        Wow! You really do know exactly how I feel about it!

        “I remember the thought that my xMM was living without me; having fun without me; living a full and rich life without me. Was he thinking about me? Did he miss me? Did he hurt like me? I could barely eat, sleep, work. I was a mess. And he was taking his w and kids to florida to see his parents and have sex there for the first time ever; taking his w to Mexico for her birthday; he was going to his company’s black tie winter party with his W, without me. Smiling photos on line – without me. I wanted to beat that smile off of his face. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even breath and there he was smiling. When I told him I was done waiting for him to “work things out”, he said that he coudn’t live without me. Ha! He seemed to be doing fine. ”

        EXACTLY!! I was a mess. It was a long time before I started to heal and I wasn’t properly healed when he came back after 7 months of complete NC. I wasn’t expecting to ever hear from him again – I wanted to – but never ever thought it would happen. Then he came back. Now I’m angry that I allowed him back through the door… and yet I find that my life and concentration improve in some ways simply because he is back. It’s stupid and I worry about how I will deal with my heart being broken a second time by the same man. It’s about the only result I can see from this relationship. He needs to do something and be with me and I need to walk away…AGAIN! I just don’t want this to a be cycle I repeat and I sort of know it won’t be. This is his last chance to be with me, to make things right. I will not let him through the door again no matter how much I love him. Love without action is only words and pain isn’t love.

        I hope that you are feeling better and that everything improves for you this new year! 🙂 You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have your needs met….it’s about time isn’t it? 🙂

  5. Round1 Says:

    Hi
    I have spent past two days reading your blog from the very beginning.
    I love reading your blog and the replies from those that have been supporting you.

    I posted my tale on TV’s blog and that is where I learn of you.

    I am three months in and having a major set back. I just miss my ex MM so bad. I was thinking so hard about him because he buried his dad Christmas eve last year and I actually felt sad for him. Wondered how he was.
    My feelings were real- I was not playing games. I grew to love him & felt him love me also. I just struggle so much trying to come to terms with his treatment of me after the D-day. He treated me so badly- I almost can not believe it- maybe I don’t want to. But the change was like a different person.
    I understand that the family unit is more powerful and important than the feelings he had for me. He decided to stay. Work things out.
    Oh and my god they are- I see them every day.

    Why do wives forgive? 17 months of lies and I even had sex in their bed. I know that is terrible. Awful. I have no idea why I did that but circumstances led to that night..on. D-day he told her this:( how the hell she can forgive that. She went away, it was fathers day and his dads birthday, he had invited me over, the kids were asleep. We had wine, he then had a utter break down on me about his dads death. Sobbing like a baby. I didn’t know what to do. I held him and listened. It was awful. Awful. We did have sex. But that night was about him and the terrible place he was in. I didn’t stay I left. The next day I supported him via text and phone to get through fathers day – a difficult weekend. The whole affair was difficult but I was genuinely worried about him. When I met him- he was different. His dads death changed him and he became depressed. I tried to end things but he wouldn’t let me. Almost begging me to stay. Right up until d day he was playing that card on me. Don’t leave me, I can’t cope without you.

    I have been through a terrible guilty time. I blamed myself for all of it. I felt I had ruined her life …I knew how I felt..knew she must have felt worse. I am in therapy and slowly I am now getting angry with him. No longer placing all the blame on me. It’s heart breaking to think the 17 months we shared were so deeply emotional and it’s all gone. It was more so for him- he needed me more than I did him- well it felt that way. He was always off loading on me. And I ended the relationship before d-day…but I am here suffering. Is he? No he has lost what? She didn’t even kick him out. He gets to keep his family. I have not heard a single word from him. Boom! He went. He owed me a bloody apology, the way he treated me was disgusting. I won’t get closure from him. I am searching it from myself.
    I had a good few weeks, but I feel back to square one.

    My story is below:
    I had an affair. 17 months long.
    4 months in, he started telling me things that changed the dynamics into an emotional affair.
    6 months in he suffers a loss of a parent. Such a strange time, I was trying to help from a distance and text messages whenever I could. I could not be by his side, it was very difficult.
    The months that followed we became very close. The affair was very emotional but also very sexual. He began to tell and share everything with me, which I never imagined from him as he kept his emotions very closed. He also started to fall in love.
    June this year he told me the bereavement therapist he was seeing, had told him he was depressed. I asked him did he tell his wife, he had told his wife, but it was brushed under the carpet. Once again we became closer, in fact he actually started thinking about me, my needs, buying me little gifts and we started talking about our lives in the past and present. Great times.
    I was worried about him though, always, he was losing weight, he was sad, he wasn’t sleeping and was drinking at night and just said he was not happy. I tried all I could to keep him strong. I actually put myself on the back-burner. He was crying more often. He said he missed his dad, hated that his work was so busy and that he was worried about his future, his marriage, he didn’t know what would come of it. He didn’t know what would happen with me and him.
    I gave him the option to get out of the affair, I thought It may be complicating things. He told me no, please do not do that to him. He couldn’t handle losing me also. He thought his life would be worse without me. So I stayed. Though a few days later , (though it had been on my mind for some time) I told him, if he really does love me and want to be with me, to stop this affair, end things with is wife, and when things are storted, maybe we could have a few dates n see how we go.
    From my point of view, hearing him say he loved me, was something I never expected. I loved him so much. And he did me. I believe that. However I just started to feel he needed to get himself sorted first.
    So I ended things. He made contact and I made it clear that the only time I want to hear from him was if he had left.
    This is when life changed.
    Three days later I found out I was pregnant. (I do take the oral pill). As you can imagine I was shocked and knew he would be. So I told him. He said he would not leave me alone in this.
    The next day I called him and his phone rang abroad. He was on holiday with his wife and kids. I flipped my lid! The reason being , a week prior to this, he pitched up at my house, asking to see me, in a state, he had argued with his wife about this holiday. She wanted to go , but he did not. He was too busy. He would rather lose the money. This was the night he was crying heavily on me. Anyway the point was, I asked him , if he does go to please make sure I know about it. He insisted that this was not happening.
    As messed up as this will now sound, we had agreed to tell each other everything, regardless of hurting each other. And we had been- holidays-days out- I knew everything they did and he did me (I am single, by the way)
    So to me , he had let me down .
    Argued for a day , via the phone. I was so upset , my hormones were havoc and I just said to him , I was tired, tired of all his emotions and I needed some time and was sick of the affair. I wanted to see him, but he was in another country. We had some heated words as I wound myself up and in moment of madness I told him I would tell his wife unless he did. That I was sick of him telling me he wanted me, loved me , that he just needed to make a choice.
    Boom! There goes my stupid mistake. He did tell his wife. Everything. In fact he said he told her too much. (though I hear that is the best way). He told here where we had sex, who I was, how long it had been going on for etc.
    So she calls me- Goes mad and tells me it was my fault because he told me from the onset he would never leave. (very true, he did say this) and that he did not love me. That i am to blame.
    She was correct, he did say he would never leave her. Though recently he had spoken about thinking about it, he also said, if he was not webbed up with kids and business, he would not be with her. He said he loves her. He said he is not in love with her. Has been unhappy for years and has to be a certain way at home.
    Lies or truth I do not know.
    I know from her, she said they did not have marriage problems when I met him and only recently had things not been right. and that she knew he had the potential to cheat on her, as he did it with his first wife, she just never thought he would do that to her. She said she would not forgive him if a baby was born. Also that she still loves him.
    The next day he called me. To inform me he does not love me. He loves his wife and has to do what is right by his family. (ouch!) That he will not have anything to do with his baby.
    So I made a choice to abort the baby, my theory being she cannot move on unless she knows the baby is not around and the baby would have a father who didn’t want to know it.
    So that was that. All left to get on and work on the mess. She decided to stay with him from the on-set.
    During this time, I was actually highly emotional because of the baby, not eating, attending a course and just about to launch a business. It was manic! I was also totally blaming myself for the affair. I felt this amazing sense of guilt- towards his wife. I felt so low, I just as a mother myself could not get my head around the fact I had messed with her life and destroyed a family potentially.
    So I made a choice to go to therapy and find out why I allowed this to happen. I am work in progress. I made bad choices around the baby, I was thinking of them, not me. It’s painful. I am told I am taking too much blame also. And I am scared of being angry at him.
    I actually lost the baby, it was pretty grim. I was scared, alone and just wanted him there. I knew he would not want me to go through this (not as I knew him)..in the mess of things I told him via email. I wasn’t very nice about it.
    I got a reply 2 days later , from them both, saying they were sorry , they would not wish that on anyone and they hoped I could put it behind me and move on from it.
    Personally, I found it a friggin insult and wanted to ring him and tell him, but instead I just replied to their text (In hindsight I wish I didn’t bother-wasn’t worth the emotions)
    Anyway , his wife replied to me saying, her husband had not been in touch with me because as he maintained throughout the affair he wants to be with his family and that they are trying to work things out. And they have two little children to think about and can I leave them alone.
    Ok! – I had made no contact with them, other than to say about the baby being lost , they had been contacting me at their free will, and she was telling me to leave them alone !
    I also had no intention to contact them, I was emotionally dead to be honest.
    I didn’t say half of what I wanted to say to him , I just didn’t have the energy.
    I guess I wanted to see what you made of all this. I feel that two months in I have taken steps back not forwards. The reason being, I see them every day and ya know what I feel intimidated by that. They are together, and its just me. I feel like the stupid girl who got involved with a married man , now has nothing. And they are they lucky ones.
    Recently she made sure I saw her cuddling him and has been a little more in my face than normal.
    All is fine, I can handle myself, in that sense, but I just want to rebuild myself and my life and I expect her to be mad at me, hell if it was me , I would have been around the OW houses and found out all the details.
    I am not in their face, I keep me to me. She is oddly cloning me, she has started to dress like me and I am just dam uncomfortable at the moment, I feel like she is maybe having a angry phase and letting me know she is there. I don’t know, but its not healthy.
    He passes me, and I mean touching distance and he will not look at me. …that out of all of it is killing me. How can he treat me like I never existed?
    How do you cope seeing the OM and his W every day…my soul is dying.
    I would never treat someone who stood by me through such a loss, so badly. I would be forever grateful. It is one of those memories you don’t forget. His dads birthday, fathers days and the anniversary of his death, (next week) will all remind him of me, I was there for him. He even said to me, he would never forget that, that I am in his heart and he is glad he met me, would never regret the affair. Why can’t he look at me then? Was that all a lie.
    I feel sad more than anything. Just sad that we shared something really special (pre the drama) and its was heartfelt and real, and its all been pissed away down the toilet.
    It is like I never existed.
    They seem really happy also. I know I will need to accept that side of things, but how the hell do you deal with that?
    It is a daily thing. He is even advertising his business in a magazine that I use, he would never use them before, he told me this. He knows I use them for all my work and I open it up and boom there he is. He has gone business crazy. Even sealed a deal that he knew I was working on(different trades-same industry). That hurt me- why isn’t he Laying low and all of a sudden she is heavily working on the business with him.
    I did some really crap stuff. I am really surprised I had an affair, but I did.
    From his wife’s eyes, she thinks that its my fault & was all about sex. Though he says he told her too much, I just do not believe he told her all the emotional stuff we shared and things he said and felt. Because if so, why the hell has she forgiven him. It is unreal.
    Do things get easier. Will I ever not care about them being together, will I be able to move on.

    • Susan Says:

      R1 – What a story. I’m so terribly sorry for your losses and your pain. I’m also sorry for the delayed response. I was away without my computer for a few days. Unfortunately, the old adage: time heals all wounds is true. The more distance you can put between you and xMM the better off you will be. And the loss of the baby could not have been easy either. Why do you have to see him and his W every day? Isn’t there somewhere else for you/for them to be? I’ve read quite a number of websites/blogs where they discuss the MM/W moving away from the OW, to start over. In fact, my xMM’s W suggested that they move after she learned of our affair. Incredibly we didn’t even live in the same state. I’m surprised that your xmm’s w would want to flaunt anything in your face. She has nothing. She has a husband who doesn’t love her, yet is going through the motions; she has a husband who cheated on his first wife, now on his second wife and given an opportunity would cheat on a 3rd wife. Why would you think that she is happy, knowing that her husband had an emotional and physical affair with another woman for 1 1/2 years – and told her that he loved her, made love to her in his marital bed. Would you trade places with her? I wouldn’t want to be in that position ever. I think that she is trying to so hard to convince you and convince herself that she is happy, but I can’t imagine anyone who has endured that kind of emotional betrayal is happy. Or can regain any semblance of happiness for a long long time. One of my best friends put it best when she said: MM is weak; his fear of losing what he has is greater than his fear of losing you (me) so he can live with that pain. It is the lesser of 2 evils. And you are caught in the middle. Fundamentally, it is the pain of not being picked. Why oh why wouldn’t he pick me?? Why would he chose to stay? The quesstion is answerable in balancing of the pain and losses. I wonder if my xMM would have stayed with his xW if she hadn’t pushed him towards divorce? I wonder if he would have just become a ‘serial cheater’ if he had stayed. I wonder if there is a lot of truth to the adage: once a cheater always a cheater. You see, there is really is no winning on any side of the affair.

      As for the guilt – I believe that guilt is a wasted emotion. YOU were not married; YOU were not lying to anyone about where you were going and who you were going out with; YOU were not being anything other than who you are. You were a good friend to someone in need, someone in pain. It is a Florence Nightingale problem too – that you can fix things for someone else, but you can’t. Honestly, from what you’ve written, your xMM seems very damaged. You are better off without him in your life. In all ways. You can walk away from a mess. His W can’t, he can’t. You/the affair is always going to be in the background – always and for years. Again, it doesn’t matter what side of the affair you’re on, it is always there, unspoken. It just recedes.

      This past week was xMM/BF’s birthday. I threw a small dinner party for him. One of his freinds who helped him move out of his house, had to re-tell me the story of his xW referring to me as his whore, and then the rest of the afternoon was spent discussing whether “his whore” would like the sofa closer to the window or to the fire place. That happened more than a year ago. Or on new years eve, a female friend of my BF/xMM (who also came to the dinner party and I didn’t feel great about that), texted him saying she was at bar and asking him “come hang?” He replied: I’m in xy city or I would be there in a heart beat” and she replied “Love you” and he wrote back “love you too.” Not feeling too good about that exchange either. And believe me, there was plenty to talk about after these 2 exchanges.

      So, do you think his W is happy? Do you think she forgives him? Can get over it? Or is she just wearing a mask? Pretending that everything is OK? Does she feel secure knowing her partner loves someone else? I doubt it. But YOU GET TO WALK AWAY. Don’t walk. RUN!!! Feeling sorry for yourself is natural; feeling pain at any ending is natural. Give yourself some time to heal. You deserve that. Be kind to yourself. You seem like a smart, kind, decent woman who has had to go through a really lousy time. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I’m always here for some advice/cyber hugs and general listening and friendship.

      • round1 Says:

        Hello Susan
        No problem with the delay. I am reflecting on a lot of what you have said, you speak such wise words.
        I see them every day because it is a small town and our children go to the same school. Thankfully different classes.
        I did stop the school run for a while as it was too painful for me- but it wasn’t fair to my son , so i went back and get on with it. I understand it must be awful for her also. Seeing him almost makes me want to vomit ! – The fact he can not even look at me or acknowledge me after i did for him makes me want to walk over and hit him over the head ! lol. I would never in my life disregard someone that helped me through such as hard emotional time. I get he is protecting his marriage , i see it , his bloody actions proved it. But even a slight look or even a look that said yes i know i am a first class idiot…anything is better than seeing him walk past me like i never ever met him.
        Really hard to accept that is his true colours. But like you said i need to RUN and see that i am the one who dodged the bullet.

        Oddly- because it has been Christmas and the holiday period – this was the time last year we were very emotionally involved as he burried his father Christmas eve- i made sure i was busy and i have been fine. Though i have found i have not slept for a whole week, really keep thinking about the times we shared and this is a first since the D-Day. I have actually been laughing and i miss things like our Kiss…oh my god, the kiss was so nice and special ,( more personal than sex in some ways) ..just lots of nice things. It doesnt take long for the anger to override this, but i am wondering if this is another phase in the grieving the loss of him.

        I think you are correct, he was very messed up , i could see him going down deeper and the tears..But he was adamant that the affair was nothing to do with it and without me he would not know how he would cope…ERM….Fast-forwads…Pretty dam well by the looks of your actions with the wife.
        But in fact thinking on what you said, his actions are exactly how he spoke about himself. When they had a problem at home , it went under the rug and he hides himself in work – well he is working tons and promoting himself everywhere…so i guess he is coping and doing what he knows.

        And susan, i cant wait to not care !

        As for your story about the text with the i love you too. Woaah! – i would have flipped out also.

        I also agree no one wins in the affair.

        So tomorrow i am back to the school run and i have butterflies in my stomach as i have had some grace of not seeing them, dreading it. But i will do it and hold my head up – i think i suffered enough though this mess!

        Thank you for your support. I will keep in touch if that is ok. x

  6. Susan Says:

    R1 – I was thinking about your xMM’s reactions and in your story, after you sent the email about the baby, the response came from his W. I can almost guarantee you that he’s not allowed to speak to you, look at you communicate with you. It is the classic “no-contact” following d-day. All of the OW/OM have gone through it – either self imposed or imposed by the BS. (Yeah, I loved you pointing out the acronym. I never thought about that before, but it made me laugh.) My xMM/BF told me that the no-contact letter (However comma I love my wife), was dictated by his W, typed by him and sent to me. My phone numbers were blocked on his cell, home, skype, Facebook, LinkedIn, everywhere. Either he did it in front of his W or she did it or instructed him to do it. She even set up a filter on his computer so that any email from my email address would go into a folder directed to her computer. (He later learned about that.) What a weak, spineless, sniveling, idiot. And he told me that he had no choice. Did I tell you that “gullible” is not a word in the dictionary? UGH!

    Your xMM is behaving classically. He is more afraid of losing his life – his mortgage, his home, his 24/7 with his kids, his friends, than he is of losing you. And if it gives you any comfort, I’m sure that he is in plenty of pain. (That was always a saving point for me too – 🙂 and always put a little smile on my face.) But then again, he told you he wouldn’t leave his wife. For whatever reason, he told you that and you never asked him to, did you? I think sometimes when we go over the safety line of “caring” about someone, to “falling in love” with them, things change. But – would you have really, really, really wanted to be with him? Would you want to be wife #3 that he cheats on? I feel sorry for his W. She’s not happy. She’s pretending. She’s copying your dress, your attitidue. She’s answering your emails to her husband. She’s probably on her own set of anti-depressants now. And you can be absolutely certain, he didn’t tell her half of what happened. They never do. Do you think that if he told her he was in love with you, she would just smile? I think that wives can forgive the physical affair but not the emotional. That’s too hard to get past (hence my incredulity at the “love you too” text.) She doesn’t have a clue. My xMM/BF asked me after D-day to lie to his wife if she should call me asking for details. He wanted me to tell her that when he said: I love you to me, that it was meaningless, and that he signed all of his emails that way. Are you fucking kidding me!!!!! (Excuse the french, but it still boils me to think about that one). Or that we had been seeing each other less and less (another lie); that he always wore a condom (another lie) and the list goes on and on. She never called. Either she believed his lies or needed to convince herself they were true. And you get to walk away from him. He’s a time bomb. He’s selfish, spoiled and weak. And now he’s going to pay the piper. Can’t be too good in that house. Can’t be too good in that bedroom. I’m sure it wasn’t a Merry Christmast for them. After a while, the mask cracks. I’m sure there is a lot of yelling, crying and fighting. And he just tunes it out. Or nods his head apologetically.

    You deserve better. When you take your son to school tomorrow, where something that makes you feel beautiful – even if it is just a pretty lipstick, or earings. You didn’t do anything wrong other than fall in love with someone who pretended to be something that he wasn’t. And now you’re free. Even though it feels lousy, it will get better.

    Support and friendship are always here. 🙂 Welcome to the club.

    • round1 Says:

      This is again a little long! Sorry
      Oh Blimey- your xmm wife really went to town with the no contact efforts:0

      I have a memory like your ‘comma however’ moment. Mine went like this:
      ‘I don’t love you, I never did, I love my wife and need to do what is right by my family’
      How very charming of him. This was over the telephone. My reply, oh I take it your wife is standing next to you. No she has gone out but told me to call you because I owe it to you. And that I am a C***.
      He then went on to explain how he could have nothing to do with the baby at all ever. Seriously it was like a dream. That was my last ever time of hearing from him. How very sad.
      You are correct Susan, when I lost the baby and contacted him via email to tell him, it was her that replied. I wish I knew that at the time.
      When his wife called me after D-Day, she said that they had no marriage problems, only recently had she felt they had issues. And that she always knew he had the potential to cheat on her , she just never thought he would. Then she told me about him cheating on his first wife (but I already knew as he had told me). She said why did I stay with him, he did not love me and that it was not a relationship. She said they had a lovely life (they do- plenty of money, business and kids and holiday home etc) and that they never had issues when I met him. Only recently had she felt they had issues.
      My god that made me feel sick. I totally felt awful.

      I did tell her that he had told me he loved me and that in his words , if he wasn’t webbed up , if it wasn’t for kids and business he would have left. It was said in anger really and I regret saying that but I was being honest about it.
      And I keep hearing it was not a ‘real relationship’. I don’t know my feelings on this yet. I was real, what happened was real, his words were real, our touch, our time , everything was real. Oh because I didn’t wash his underpants and cook his dinners it makes it not real! WTF!…Any new relationship starts out this way, the first years are when you don’t really know each other that well and it’s the lets say ‘honeymoon period’. That’s my view.
      No, I never asked him to leave his wife. Towards the end I said if he wants to be with me like he says then to end it and come and find me. That we might have a chance and that I did not want to be in the affair anymore. That’s when I walked away. (pre knowing about being pregnant). This affair would still be happening if I didn’t make that call and tell him that. I told his wife he had no intention of ending it. It was me who called it a day.

      I did question him as to why he wouldn’t leave being as he was miserable. He said he thought about leaving but could not imagine starting again. He built his business up for 16 years and no one was going to take that from him. Also that he did not want to lose the kids. For anything in the world, he wanted to see them everyday.
      He said about his wife, only that he would worry how she was coping still , he would just forget her if he left. He was actually talking all that out loud to me, like he was really thinking about it. He said if me n him got together she would work it out (that it was an affair) and go mad. Get really nasty.
      Those were his reasons for staying. I of course had the classic line, I love my wife but I am not in love with her.
      He also told me that he has been miserable for years! And that he has to be a certain way at home. I never delved into those comments.
      He said when we had our very heated argument (after I foolishly said tell her or I will) that she will leave him. He was certain of that- how wrong was he!
      He also said things will get ugly but he will soak it up.
      He would rather he did than me.

      Look I wanted to be with him because this crazy lil thing called loved happened and from my whole heart I cared for him. That was the progression of the year and half. If I didn’t I would question why the hell I was with someone for so long accepting all the scraps.

      I really question if she knows that we had an emotional affair. She has only part of the story. His side. She only spoke to me for a while and I didn’t really want to give her all the details.
      She said that I forced him to tell here everything- but I did not! I was not with them on holiday holding a gun to his head while he told her.! She said she knows everything- but I have 3 pages of texts and emails I bet she knows nothing about. I am not sure I would believe my husband wasn’t emotionally involved after all that time. Maybe she knows, , maybe she doesn’t want to know but that side of it all frustrates the hell out of me.
      If he was playing a game- what a low life skum bag. What was the point. He didn’t need to. He knew how I felt and what I wanted in the end. He could have walked away. I told him to. But he said no. He wants to be with me. He knew what he was doing. It was him driving us to stay together. Also to have me really worried about him, if all of that was a game, that makes me sad. I cared for his health, mental state and just him. I felt his grieving and wiped his tears. Lordly! I hope it was not a game.

      When i allow myself to think of things he said, he was not one to confess love. When I met him he could barly relax, but over time, he changes and eas talking to me loads. Then started saying I love you, not lots but when it mattered. He said random things. I think you are soo cool.
      Never met anyone like you. You mean so much to me. I feel we are really getting to know each other now. All out of the blue and I knew he meant them, as it just wasn’t in his nature. He said that I was so kind to him and that little things I did took him aback.
      He loved so much about me so much he decided to erase me off planet earth!

      When she called me she wanted to know who I had told. When he called me he wanted to know who I told and their names! Honestly ! I was more concerned about the baby, what I was doing and the Hurt I had caused. It’s hey cared about their reputation. They have a local business and are known by most.

      The thing is with him, he is business obsessed. He works all the hours god gives and then complains he has no life. Yet he created that life. He does not have to work such long hours , he chooses to , to escape reality. He is never really home. He never sees friends and after work.. home to dinner more work! Well that is his version.

      So no Susan , that is not what I want from a man.

      It really pi**es me off is to think he wasted a year n half of my life for what? For this mess and hurt.

      I hope he enjoyed all he got from me, because that is a memory that will not leave his mind . Jesus his dads birthday, fathers days, his death, all will remind him of me- even some of his business ideas, his new office that i sat up late with him- keeping him company while he painted it. Helping him through the stress of it all ( yep he lost weight wasn’t eating) he was offloading it all on me. Mr established business man! While I was in the process of setting up my new business and stressed out, but he offered me nothing to help me( just words that he never delivered)
      I put my own life on the back burner because his dramas always seemed so much worse!
      That angers me. As he knew he could help me but was too busy taking his own needs.

      He told me he would never forget how much I supported him around the death of his dad. I was like his angel. You cannot erase such things. I really was there for him. I wanted to be:(

      What a jerk he must feel, for then shitting all over me. But I am sure if he treats his wife like he did, I should expect far far less! I wonder if he feels guilt- if the guilt will eat at him. How on earth he can sleep at night (well he didn’t anyway! ) knowing what he did to his wife n family and me.

      Like Amy Winehouse said ‘the guilt will kill you, if she don’t first! Ha ha ha !

      At least with his wife they can talk it out or shout it out! With me, he will have to take it with him, push it to the back of his mind I guess.

      I can not imagine any of his life now. Do you think they really grieve the loss of us? Or does the shock of d-day kick in and take over all emotions (the fear of losing the family etc) and we are eradicated…until maybe one day a thought pops into their heads. :/

      Hope you are well Susan 🙂

  7. Hope Says:

    I read your words and felt so sad for you Round1. Something really jumped out at me because it is exactly how I feel too:

    “And I keep hearing it was not a ‘real relationship’. I don’t know my feelings on this yet. I was real, what happened was real, his words were real, our touch, our time , everything was real. Oh because I didn’t wash his underpants and cook his dinners it makes it not real! WTF!…Any new relationship starts out this way, the first years are when you don’t really know each other that well and it’s the lets say ‘honeymoon period’.”

    And I would add that once you truly get to know someone is when you realise that perhaps you really aren’t meant to be together because you aren’t compatible. Somehow a lot of BS feel that the years they have spent together entitle them to undying love, loyalty and devotion of a spouse they may have little to no bond with except a legal one. And if you suggest such a thing you are screamed down for not understanding their point of view or for being a homewrecker.

    How patronising people can be in their pain and self-righteousness. How blameless they hold themselves for the mess that explodes around everyone. How entitled they feel to get what they believe is their spouse/way of life/perfect image…even when I laugh at how much they devalued their spouse/way of life/perfect image before D Day.

    Sorry…I’m in a bitter mood today and your story only shows me the injustice that is handed out so willingly by many of these self-righteous BS. Now, don’t get me wrong – the pain is real for everyone and I KNOW that there are many good people who are betrayed BUT too often what I read makes me sick to my stomach. I read about how the OW is supposed to fade away and leave the happy ‘couple’ to sort things out…Oh and BTW – the OW must allow the BS to attack them verbally and emotionally at any time WITHOUT responding because didn’t the OW sign up for this? Doesn’t the OW deserve the punishment? I mean, it’s not like the OW is actually in pain and hurting is she? She’s just a homewrecker without a heart.

    Notice the sarcasm? I just finished reading through another ‘forum’ where the OW is painted as evil and beyond redemption while the BS is just an innocent party that has been cruelly played with. Yep…it angers me to read those things. It angers me that your AP wife probably feels just as entitled to make you ‘pay’ for her failed marriage because that it exactly what it is. All this crap about good and strong marriages coming under seige by an affair that just crept up on them is a load of crap. When I am in love and happy in a relationship there is NOTHING that makes me look elsewhere. So it amazes me how many lies people have to tell themselves in order to try to explain away an affair when they have the ‘perfect marraige and life’. Honestly, it’s clearly not perfect or even happy. It’s a comfortable, predictable rut where maybe one person is happy with the status quo but the other isn’t. Normally, the unhappy person is in a ‘fog’ of misery that is a steady and comfortable background hum in their lives. They live for duty, responsibility and for doing what they believe is ‘right’ by a set of social ideals that tell them that doing the right thing means that you suffer and deny yourself what you want BECAUSE that’s the way life is.

    Lies. Normally told by people who have been betrayed or have denied themselves a good and happy life by ‘doing the right thing’ as they were told. Your AP sounds exactly like this sort of man. A coward that is easily swayed by the way people view him and he wants to be viewed as a good family man and business man who does the ‘right thing’. Pity that the only ‘right thing’ he could do would be to crawl back under a rock and stay there! He’s a coward through and through…just like my AP. Let’s face it, if they were strong we wouldn’t be their AP. We’d be their official significant others or nothing at all. And you would have had him offer his own words for the loss of your baby.

    You deserved to be treated with care and your AP sounds like a lot of words I would rather not type. How dare he let his wife respond over the loss of your child! How DARE he abdicate complete responsibility for his part in this sad story! He is not so much a man as a spineless worm.

    As for my story…like yours, my own AP is a weak coward who told his W that their marriage was over, he had met someone else and wanted to part ways as amicably as possible. In response his W threatened to go to a shelter for abused women and take ‘his’ daughter. Threatened to take ‘his’ daughter back to the UK so that he would never see her. Threatened to get an AVO against him. Most significantly, she told him that she wanted EVERYTHING in the divorce and she would get it because no one would believe that he didn’t abuse her and his daughter. I told him to get a lawyer, he decided to talk to her and sort things out in his own way and in his own time otherwise it would get really ugly. Yeah…like it wasn’t ugly already.

    His mother and his best friends have been telling him to leave his wife for years. He says that they are too close to the situation and don’t like her so he can’t really trust their advice. I just roll my eyes. My AP is weak and stands a good chance at winning the title ‘King of the Cowards’ … but I do think that your AP would give him a run for his money! 😉

    Chin up. The only real lady I see in your situation is YOU! You may walk away with your head held high. Your indifference to him will hurt him far more than tears or begging. My silence and lack of begging with my AP for 7 months brought him back to me till he is all over my life once more like a rash. He hasn’t changed his situation…yet…and I am almost completely out of patience with him. It will soon be my turn to walk away with my head held high. I can’t wait for this whole mess to be over one way or the other. I want off the heartbreak rollercoaster! I’m sure that you do too! So let’s get off it together!

    (((Hugs)))

    • round1 Says:

      Thanks for the hugs- Need lately.
      Susan does your XMM/BF make you happy? Do you want to be with him forever? You have gone on such a journey together. Some really difficult times from what I can read. I understand your want for the mess to be over. Can you control that?

      Reading your reply I can feel your anger at my xMM and it brings it all back to me. I am still really angry and upset over the baby. Sadly I lost the baby the day I launched my business. To explain MM has an office next door to mine. He does not work from this office, he has someone who he employs and works from there. So the day I launched my business (Which MM knew all about) I walked out of my door and there was MM , with his work colleague ! Can you believe it. Of all the days, why didn’t he stay away? It was 1 week after DD and as you can imagine I was so emotional (pregnancy hormones also!) I was literally shaking. I nearly lost the plot there and then. Instead I just stared and him, waiting to see if he would look. And he didn’t, but right as he walked past he threw me a sly-unsure smile.
      I was livid. I text him to say ‘Oh by the way , thanks for asking about the baby and what I am doing etc ‘ . He did not reply.
      Anyway I had a client arrive and I could hear his voice next door, I was shaking like mad! Cut a long story short, I guess he left the building. I saw my next client and during this I felt the bleeding start. Managed to get the client gone and ran to the loo and lost the baby in the public toilet. Yup!
      I was scared and I was so so so upset. The thing is I wanted that baby. But I made a decision to abort the baby because I felt pressure from the both to make a choice and the facts were I was thinking his wife would never move on if i had the baby. In fact when she called me said said she would not forgive him if there was a baby. So I said that I would abort it. Decision made. All though in the back of my mind, I wanted to keep it. Sadly I lost the baby anyway , so the decision was made by nature. I actually ended u in hospital for the night also, as there was a problem with my bleeding so bad. Honestly I can say hands down it was horrific and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone , ever.
      I emailed him to tell him his baby was dead! OMFG I used those words, because I was so hurt and I emailed him at the time – immediately after it happened. I guess shock. I got the reply a day later from her as explained before.
      So the fact he never had the gods grace to reply to me , kills me. Ya know I wiped his tears when he broke down on me over his dad. I was there every step of the way when he was down and couldn’t cope. To think he could not even just find a way of picking up a phone (he knows my number off by heart) , when she was not around and say I hope you are ok…well I will never understand it for as long as I live. What an excuse for a man. He has no morals at all. This is very very clear.
      I get really angry Susan, at times I have had to stop myself from driving up his work and walking into his office and telling him what the hell he has put me through. He has a private email address , that I am sure his wife knows nothing about, I really want to email him and tell him. It is like I want to make him hurt and to seek my own closure. But what if she reads it? What if it kicks off open wounds, what if I feel worse? I just feel he has got away with it. He is now at home with his same job, same wife, same life and what the hell has he lost Susan? Nothing!
      Instead I walked away and I got on with my pain and I am in therapy and I am now living my life. Building my business, which I have to say is now going really well. And I am this month going to be in the local papers and magazines as Jan and Feb are my months to get clients. I am working out and eating well and going out with friends. I am a young woman who is extremely attractive , I have new clothes and I walk with my head up and get on with my life now. No longer do I hold my head in shame at the school run.
      For two months I cried every time I saw him or her at the school run. It tore me apart. Can you imagine how she feels? I saw her today on the school run. She was arm in arm with a girl friend and I almost felt that was her comfort and support. I felt sorry for her. Sometimes I wanna say , ya know what I am so sorry. I know she hates me. I feel it. I feel the fake and see the fake. I know I am faking it to make it. It is very sad that the two women that got hurt are fighting battles against each other. I don’t feel angry or bitter towards her. I am annoyed that she said to me she thinks what I did was disgusting, but she is willing to forgive her husband. Really? Would you be proud of your husband Susan , knowing what he did for a year and a half, and knowing that he got a girl pregnant and left her to get on with it. I would be so god dam disgusted with him. He would be gone. I seriously think his wife blames me.
      It was her husband who chased me. I was a client and the day I left his office he was texting me and I knew that he was trying to chat me up. So very professional huh?
      And I would love also to say to him why? Why did he do this? He knew Susan the knock on effect of an affair. He had an affair in his first marriage , he cheated on her and then she cheated on him. He knows the hurt and sheer volume of devastation an affair can cause. Yet he still went ahead, he bought me into his world and entered mine, knowing the kind of mess he could cause. FOR GODS SAKE! If I knew the knock on affect this affair would have on his wife and me I would NEVER EVER have gone there and I certainty will NEVER have an affair again.
      Call me stupid maybe, but I was not thinking of the mass destruction of this affair. I was not thinking about his wife. I thought they were dead and he was looking for a way out. I know that is terrible of me, but I am addressing this in therapy. I know all my wrongs. This man, has been there done it , yet still does it again. You know if he wanted sex he should have just found some little tart to do that with. But no, he shared his every thought and feeling with me. I even knew how much his bloody business rents were , how his employers were doing, his decision making, his daily movements. We were texting up to 20 times a day if not more, plus talking. Urughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

      As you can see I am angry today. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I think doing this school run brings it back to me each and every time. Only 3 more years of it ! ha ha ha. x

  8. round1 Says:

    Im sorry i just noticed that it was hope that replied ..not susan. .so my questions to you susan ignore !
    opps!
    Thank you hope for replying to my post

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