Posts Tagged ‘valentine’s day’

Time is of the Essence

February 8, 2013

I can’t believe that it is 2013.

Date difference from Dec 9, 2009 to Feb 7, 2013

The total number of days between Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 and Thursday, February 7th, 2013 is1,156 days.

This is equal to exactly 3 years, 1 month, and 29 days.

This does not include the end date, so it’s accurate if you’re measuring your age in days, or the total days between the start and end date.  But if you want the duration of an event that includes both the starting date and the ending date, then it would actually be1,157 days.

1,156 days is equal to 165 weeks and 1 day.

The total time span from 2009-12-09 to 2013-02-07 is 27,744 hours.

This is equivalent to 1,664,640 minutes.

You can also convert 1,156 days to 99,878,400 seconds.

Today is 2/7/2013 and 12/9/2009 is exactly 1156 days before today

D-Day to today.  An eternity.  3 years.  Yesterday.  A lifetime. A blink of an eye.  Life as you know it will never be the same.

And yet –

Life continues.  Just ask 2P, AOW, RBM and me.  3 years.  I can’t believe it.  Our lives have moved into a pattern.  The “high” of the affair is gone and has been replaced by “normalcy.”  We’ve had colds, the flu, lost jobs, gotten new jobs, fought, dealt with his kids, my kids, transitioned a kid to college, to high school, to middle school, through punishments, over-drafts, tax refunds, weight gain, weight loss, P90x, weight watchers, peri-menopause, menopause, his parents, my parents.

And yet –

There is the endless, acrimonious relationship with his ex W and my ex H.  The squabbling over vacation days, after school activities, cheerleading, trumpet lessons, karate, tutors, camp.  It never ends.  But I guess that’s what life is all about.

Or is it.

Sometimes I miss the affair.  The excitement, the passion, the secrecy.  Sometimes I wish I were alone.  Sometimes I wish I were with someone else.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t responsible for another human being when I find it difficult enough to be responsible for myself, my kids and my dog.  Sometimes I wish my life had gone in a different direction.  In fact, often lately I’ve been wishing that.  Yes, I know that wishing doesn’t make it so, but there are days when I feel that’s all I have.   That, and a glass of wine.

Valentine’s day is coming soon.  I hate Valentine’s day with the expectations of love, flowers and chocolate.  Being with that perfect someone.  While xMM/BF and I are together, we still dont’ live together and haven’t been able to do anything about the distance.  This year I’m having a biopsy on February 13, so BF is coming to me on the 12th and leaving the morning of the 14th.  He wasn’t originally going to be with me those days as he has a conference in Florida.  He was supposed to have his kids from the 12th-13th.  But then I made the appointment.  So he started by telling me that my scheduling of the appointment wasn’t very convenient.  Are you kidding me???  Then he said that he would come to me after he took his kids to school (I’m a 3 1/2 hour drive and my appointment is at 8:30am.)  I told him not to come.  I don’t really want him here.  I didn’t ask him to come; I didn’t schedule my appointment for a “mutually convenient time” because I’m only concerned about what fits my schedule for this.  But we were going to be able to spend the 14th together.  Now he would like to go out to dinner on the 13th.  The night perpetually reserved for the OW or OM.  (And not to mention that my biopsy is going to last about 2- 2 1/2 hours in the morning and I may not be in a festive mood, plus I have my kid.)  So I’m a bit unhappy about this.  I know it sounds stupid and petulant but I was the OW for so long that either I celebrate this stupid Hallmark holiday ON THE DAY or I don’t.

BF has a married male friend, married 15 years.  He had an affair several years ago and has been on a dating web site for married people to meet and have an affair.  This friend’s wife had an affair many years ago.  The friend knows but never confronted her.  He’s unhappily married and would like to get a divorce after their kids leave the house.  The day before Thanksgiving, he found some texts on his wife’s phone from another man, and confronted her.  She’s been having an affair.  They’re going to get divorced.  Until they’re not.  Now he’s not sure; now he says, he loves his wife; now he says, those years of sexless living together were stressed induced; now he’s freezing his membership to the online dating site that his wife knows nothing about.  Now, I think he’s a fool.  Worse, my BF/xMM thinks he’s a fool.  REALLY???  Perhaps this is wrong of me, but I don’t think he has a leg to stand on.  He thinks the couple should get divorced – they hate each other and have for years, but the wife’s affair seems to be holding them together.  Until it doesn’t.  But my BF/xMM stayed after HIS affair was discovered, to try and work things out.  I can’t help but ruminate from time to time, what would have happened if his wife hadn’t wanted to push for the divorce.  I think this couple should get a divorce because they both want it, they are both unhappy and have both found happiness outside of their marriage.  Move on already.

Which brings me to my absolute and utter disbelief when I read that another blogger on this site, the first one I read and found comfort, advice, solace, compassion, understanding from, TV Explorer, was getting divorced.  His wife couldn’t take it anymore.  She couldn’t get past the affair no matter what.  WOW!  I was blown away.  I didn’t see that coming at all.  Or maybe, deep down it’s inevitable.  So maybe, even without the now ex W pushing for the divorce, it would have just eventually happened.   And maybe BF would be with someone else instead of me.  Maybe I wouldn’t have waited.  But isn’t that always what a good OW does?  She waits – for the hidden text, the secretive email, the hurried phone call, the last minute plans, celebrating holidays on the day before or the day after because the day of is reserved for the wife.

Happy Day Before Valentine’s Day.

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Valentine’s Day Rantings and Ramblings

March 14, 2012

I hate Valentine’s Day.  What bullshit.  Another Hallmark holiday designed to make every single person feel inadequate.  What they show on the TV is fiction; what you read about in books, is fiction.  The forced joviality, the forced romantic behavior, the flowers, the cards, the candy.  And how horrible you are supposed to feel if you’re not a recipient.

This, however sums it up for me:

“Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time.  There are too many mediocre things in life.  Love should not be one of them.”

Isn’t that what happened in the affair?  Isn’t that we are all looking for?  If there isn’t that passion, then what’s the point?  But it’s not b-movie passion.  It’s the passion of life – of love making, of talking, of sleeping, of fighting and then making up.  A friend of mine once said that sick babies don’t cry and sick relationships are quiet.  She was right.

On February 13 a  friend of mine posted the following on FB  2/13: “I just wanna give a big shout out to all the ladies who can’t call their “boyfriend” after 7. Can’t visit him at work unless they call 2 days in advance. Or don’t even know his home phone number. Today is your day.”  I called him today to chat, and he proceeded to tell me that there is even a restaurant in my neighborhood that specializes in pre- Valentine’s day dinners for the OW/OM with clear instructions not to say anything to the guests should they return the following day, Valentine’s day, wearing their wedding bands, with their spouse. 

In February, I didn’t see my BF/xMM for all 4 weeks – because our work/life/children schedules had collided.  It put a strain on me.  I was angry about it.  The longest time that we went without seeing each other was after no-contact/d-day – from 12/9-3/18.  So I ruminate.  I wish I could flip a switch and turn my stupid brain off.  Right now I’m angry that he lives far away; I’m angry that he has an inconvenient visitation schedule; I’m angry that he’s traveling for work.  I’m just about ready to explode.  So I did.  My back went out.  It was bound to happen.  My chiropracter has a very hollistic approach to health & wellness and she looked at me yesterday and said, “that was the straw that broke your back.”  There is only so much you can continue to carry around.  I sat in her office and cried.  I’m feeling sorry for myself and can’t shake it.

The worst part about being in a relationship, is that you tend to take out your ugliest feelings on the people closest to you.  Damn, I’ve been a bitch, a bear, a misery.  I can’t get out of my own way.  I’ve always been an optimist but for the first time in my life, I’m seeing the glass as half empty, and rapidly emptying. 

March has been a bit better, but not by much.  I laid into BF/xMM a couple of weeks ago (again) when I told him that when I see him all he does is complain he’s tired.  (Not too tired for sex, but for everything else.)  I told him that he manages to travel and entertain for work and stay out late, but when he’s with me, we cook or order in and go to the movies.  I’ve seen more movies in the past 6 months than in the past 40+ years!  I lost my shit and told him that he treats me like . . . drumroll please . . . like his wife (or worse – like his ex-wife.)  That was a slap in the face.  (2P and RBM – can you think of anything more insulting? or numbing?)  Isn’t that a slap across the face?  It was fairly ferocious on my part.  I haven’t made plans to go out with friends, buy tickets for anything because I don’t want to hear him complain.  It infuriates me!  And worse.  Makes me want to . . .   You know the rest.

Be careful what you wish for.  You just might get it.

Just needed to vent.  Reach out.  Pour a drink and do some reading.  I have a long evening ahead of me.

Holidays, Birthdays and other Unimportant events

December 27, 2009

There are so many things about being the OW that are unacceptable, it makes me wonder how I could have done it and done it for so long.  How many other men and women do it and do it for a period of time that is longer than they ever thought they would.  Birthdays, holidays, festivities that a person shares with a partner, a lover, a significant other are often celebrated alone or on days other than the actual day. 

Valentine’s day has never been a big deal to me.  The year before I got married, my ex-husband put so much thought into the gift he gave me that I was bound to be disappointed the next year.  Which, in the long run was easy – since he then gave me nothing.  I can’t remember his excuse, since he had so many, but I learned quickly the importance of Hallmark holidays versus other celebrations. 

I grew up in a house where every event was a big deal; where giving a gift was a thought filled process and receiving it with great gusto was part of the joy one gave back to the giver.  My marriage changed what I expected from an adult male in my life.  It was quite simply, nothing.  My MM felt differently.  Although gift giving wasn’t something we ever discussed, whatever he gave me was filled with thought.  Thought he put into whether I would like it, whether it was something that had a meaning to me, to him, to us.  It could be something as small as a crossword puzzle, a candy bar, or a magazine subscription to something as lavish as a massage, or a  beautiful dinner. 

This past year, for Valentine’s Day, he bought me a dozen long-stemmed red roses.  They were delivered to my office a few days before Valentine’s day with a card that wished me a happy Valentine’s Day, that he couldn’t wait to celebrate it with me and that he loved me very much.  Of course our celebration was going to have to be a day other than Valentine’s day since it fell on a Saturday and he wouldn’t be with me that day.  I remember the excitement of receiving the flowers, bringing them to my office; lying to my co-workers about who they were from; bringing them home and lying to my children about who they were from.  I feel awful just acknowledging that.  I wanted to tell everyone who they were from and yet, I didn’t want anyone to know.  They were beautiful.  They were an ugly reminder that I was nothing and no one to this man.  I was easily and cheaply bought.  My affections, my loyalties for a dozen roses.  Since when did I place such a small value on myself?  When did that happen?  I guess I had spent so many years in such a shitty marriage, that any sort of kindness was extraordinary.  I was flattered and touched to be the recipient of such generosity.  What the hell was I thinking???  That wasn’t generosity, that was hush money.  When my first child was born, I read somewhere that to child, the way you spell “love” is “t. i. m. e”.  Giving of your time is the greatest act of love you can show another person.  And that was the one thing my MM wasn’t giving me.  I brought the flowers home and they died.  I let them sit in the vase and putrefy.  You know that horrible rotten egg smell of water that has been sitting around for too long with flower stems.  Was that what I was worth?  Now I think that I sold my soul for a dozen roses.

So the holidays are once again here.  And once again, I’m not with my MM.  I can’t say that I’m alone because I’m surrounded by friends and family and for that I’m truly and honestly blessed.  Just like my MM.  My ex-MM.  But he didn’t pick me and I still can’t get past that.  He unceremoniously stopped talking to me, spending time with me.  Does the lack of time equate to the lack of love?  I hope that one day I will stop asking these questions and stop looking for answers that don’t ever seem to be forthcoming. 

I need to throw out those dead flowers, but I’m afraid that once I do, I won’t have anything left.  But if I’m really honest with myself, what did I ever really have?