Posts Tagged ‘roses’

Holidays, Birthdays and other Unimportant events

December 27, 2009

There are so many things about being the OW that are unacceptable, it makes me wonder how I could have done it and done it for so long.  How many other men and women do it and do it for a period of time that is longer than they ever thought they would.  Birthdays, holidays, festivities that a person shares with a partner, a lover, a significant other are often celebrated alone or on days other than the actual day. 

Valentine’s day has never been a big deal to me.  The year before I got married, my ex-husband put so much thought into the gift he gave me that I was bound to be disappointed the next year.  Which, in the long run was easy – since he then gave me nothing.  I can’t remember his excuse, since he had so many, but I learned quickly the importance of Hallmark holidays versus other celebrations. 

I grew up in a house where every event was a big deal; where giving a gift was a thought filled process and receiving it with great gusto was part of the joy one gave back to the giver.  My marriage changed what I expected from an adult male in my life.  It was quite simply, nothing.  My MM felt differently.  Although gift giving wasn’t something we ever discussed, whatever he gave me was filled with thought.  Thought he put into whether I would like it, whether it was something that had a meaning to me, to him, to us.  It could be something as small as a crossword puzzle, a candy bar, or a magazine subscription to something as lavish as a massage, or a  beautiful dinner. 

This past year, for Valentine’s Day, he bought me a dozen long-stemmed red roses.  They were delivered to my office a few days before Valentine’s day with a card that wished me a happy Valentine’s Day, that he couldn’t wait to celebrate it with me and that he loved me very much.  Of course our celebration was going to have to be a day other than Valentine’s day since it fell on a Saturday and he wouldn’t be with me that day.  I remember the excitement of receiving the flowers, bringing them to my office; lying to my co-workers about who they were from; bringing them home and lying to my children about who they were from.  I feel awful just acknowledging that.  I wanted to tell everyone who they were from and yet, I didn’t want anyone to know.  They were beautiful.  They were an ugly reminder that I was nothing and no one to this man.  I was easily and cheaply bought.  My affections, my loyalties for a dozen roses.  Since when did I place such a small value on myself?  When did that happen?  I guess I had spent so many years in such a shitty marriage, that any sort of kindness was extraordinary.  I was flattered and touched to be the recipient of such generosity.  What the hell was I thinking???  That wasn’t generosity, that was hush money.  When my first child was born, I read somewhere that to child, the way you spell “love” is “t. i. m. e”.  Giving of your time is the greatest act of love you can show another person.  And that was the one thing my MM wasn’t giving me.  I brought the flowers home and they died.  I let them sit in the vase and putrefy.  You know that horrible rotten egg smell of water that has been sitting around for too long with flower stems.  Was that what I was worth?  Now I think that I sold my soul for a dozen roses.

So the holidays are once again here.  And once again, I’m not with my MM.  I can’t say that I’m alone because I’m surrounded by friends and family and for that I’m truly and honestly blessed.  Just like my MM.  My ex-MM.  But he didn’t pick me and I still can’t get past that.  He unceremoniously stopped talking to me, spending time with me.  Does the lack of time equate to the lack of love?  I hope that one day I will stop asking these questions and stop looking for answers that don’t ever seem to be forthcoming. 

I need to throw out those dead flowers, but I’m afraid that once I do, I won’t have anything left.  But if I’m really honest with myself, what did I ever really have?