Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

What’s love got to do with it?

January 9, 2011

I have been reading blogs and blogging and thinking almost all day.  I’m blue.  Maybe it’s PMS.  Maybe it’s not.  I read this quote and had to (re)post it.  Seems to sum up a lot of what we all feel.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  ~Neil Gaiman


It’s Done – Part 3

January 8, 2011

MM signed his final divorce agreement Wednesday, January 5, 2011.   Another date I can add into the timeline of my past 12 1/2 months.

12/4/09 – the last time MM and I made love

12/9/09 – DD

12/10/09 – MM exiled to Florida

[I subsequently learned: 12/12/09 – MM emailing W and writing letter about what a horrible thing he did (and then sharing it with me, looking for ME to help him out of his own words being used against him during divorce proceedings):

I have committed adultery and carried on an adulterous affair.  I can’t imagine your pain.  I am intensely sorry and I now realize how incredibly horrible I was to do this.  But I am not a loser.  If you sincerely believe that I am a loser and was never a good person, then we should consider ending our marriage.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to try and deal with this with you in order to try and repair our marriage.  While I understand that you need time to deal with your pain and anger, I think that we need to get into counseling as soon as possible if we are going to have a chance to make things right.  I don’t think it is enough to get advice from friends and family members or to just reflect on things ourselves.  Professional counselors have training and experience and have helped plenty of people in our situation.  I would like to come home, find a place to stay, and go to counseling with you as soon as possible.
I hope you will give this some consideration.  I love you and I want to prove to you that you can love and trust me.  I also want to make sure that the kids are shielded from what goes on between you and me.

I hope you mean that I need to prove that I know that I messed up and that I will never do this again.  To prove that I love you and recognize the severity of what I did.  I don’t understand you wanting me to prove that I am worth it.  We have been together for almost 14 years.  This was a horrible thing, but it was isolated and stupid and it will never happen again.  If you don’t see my worth as a person who has made a terrible, selfish mistake, but who is a good person, then there are other problems.  I really think that a counselor could help us with this, and the sooner the better.  I would be willing to come up just for the counseling and leave afterward.

I love you.

12/14/09 – the last time MM and I spoke

[12/14/09 – I since learned of the letter that MM wrote W explaining his “bad behavior” and how it was horrible and selfish and will never happen again.  How he loves his w, how they have a “story book” marriage, how he is so sorry and will spend the rest of his life making up for his affair.]

12/28/09 – the last instant message from MM telling me he missed me and was sorry that he hurt me. 

1/12/10 – the “However comma” no contact email from MM and his W

1/26/10 – We spoke — I called to tell him that he was embarrassing me publicly. 

2/5/10 – or thereabouts – after he asked me to travel with him, took his W;

[I since learned: 2/15/10- went to FL with his W and kids and fucked his w in FL for the first time in 14 years]

3/10 – we agreed to see each other, w found out, forbid it and told him they should leave the state;

3/10 – MM took his W to the Caribbean for her birthday and sent me emails telling me how much sleep he got over the weekend and how he couldn’t wait to see me

3/10 – saw MM midway between his state and mine and it was if no time had passed; he resolved to end his marriage.

4/10 – I told MM that I was done with him finally.  He told me he loved me, when his W came home from her vacation he was leaving her.

4/10 – W came home, they had dinner and she raised divorce and he agreed.

. . . . And they are off to the races.

On January 5, 2010 I eulogized MM in my blog.  It was cathartic.  A year later, MM eulogized his marriage to me.  I went to see him on 1/4 and spent the night.  It was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back.  He had to be in court at 8:30 am.  Papers were signed and the divorce is final.  It will be entered by the court in 3 months.  I couldn’t wait for him to be done as I had to get home to pick up my kids from school.  He commented that ex-W wore skinny jeans and big black boots to court and looked like a “$3 hooker.”  Funny to think about.  He wore a jacket, pants and button down shirt.  I told him that in my opinion it epitomized their differences.  She could finally be who she is as, as could he.

I told one of my dear friends that the divorce was final and he asked me how much longer before I ended the relationship.  I laughed, but the thought has crossed my mind.  Where do we go from here.  There’s a lot of water under the bridge.  And when I try to discuss it, MM says:  I don’t want to talk about that now; I don’t want to think about that now.  He’s a perfect Scarlett O’Hara.  Does that make me Rhett Butler?

What’s Worth Fighting For?

December 20, 2010

MM has an interim separation agreement and is working on the first draft of his final divorce agreement.  He had conciliation (like mediation) and court last week and he and his soon-to-be-ex-wife reached an agreement.  I can’t believe it.  A little more than a  year ago, (376 days ago, but who’s counting) as I’ve been blogging, was d-day; 12/14/09 was the last day we spoke until January 21, 2010.  I can’t believe what has transpired in a year.  I can’t believe when I think of that time, it STILL takes my breath away and I can’t breathe.  I still can’t believe the hurt and yet, MM had conciliation on Monday, December 13 and then drove 4 hours to come to see me.  We were together on 12/14 and I thought about where we were last year . . . but I said nothing.

We’ve been talking about Christmas and New Year’s eve.  He has agreed with his w that she would have the kids for Thanksgiving and he would have them for Christmas – starting Christmas eve through the end of the week.  He has asked me to bring my kids to his state for the Christmas.  I’ve waffled about it especially because my kids are tepid to cold on the idea.  He called me Wednesday, after his shrink appointment, to tell me that his therapist thinks it’s not a good idea.  There is certainly a part of me that agrees but I was angry.  We talked about it and I got angrier.  We decided to wait until we were together this past weekend to discuss it further.  He had mentioned, as I previously blogged, that he was considering going to his parents in Florida for either Christmas or New Year’s which engendered some bad feelings from me.  I tried, unsuccessfully to keep them at bay.  The reason:  historically MM, his W and kids would go to Florida from the day after Christmas (which happens to be his birthday) until New Year’s day.  Since 2007 we have emailed, texted, spoke while he was there and I was in my hometown.  Last year, he was “exiled” to Florida – without w or kids for 2 or 3 weeks (we still haven’t talked about what happened, and not sure when/if we will) and yet, he couldn’t/didn’t speak, email or text me while he was there.  I emailed him; I texted him.  My phone was blocked; my emails were blocked.  I want to vomit when I think about that time and how I felt. 

Finally, we are able to be together on his birthday and on New Year’s and he’s talking to me about FLORIDA!!!!!!  He’s telling me that he agrees with his therapist and Christmas isn’t good so he’s going to Florida!!!!  No discussion about his birthday, no discussion about meeting his kids, no discussion about how we’re going to do that.  Oh yeah – he thinks that sometime in January he’s going to bring his kids to my home and stay for the weekend.  That’s how he is going to introduce us.  ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?!  I wanted to slap him.  I wanted to use his head for baseball practice.  I wanted him to leave; to walk away from me; to never see him again.  And for some reason, my brain lacked a filter and I told him that.  I am angry and hurt.  My kids know him.  He stays in my apartment, he’s vacationed with us, he spent Thanksgiving with us and his kids know what about me?  Nothing.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  He said that his therapist said that the kids would feel badly if they saw that he had a relationship with my kids.  I cut him off and told him that he has no relationship with my kids – they know him, they tolerate his presence, they can co-exist but he doesn’t have a “relationship” with either one of them.  It wasn’t nice of me to say, but it is true.  It was also mean and hurtful for me to say it.  He said to me later, in a quiet voice, that he would like to have a relationship with my kids and would I help him develop one.  It broke my heart.  I felt that I had won, but at the price of being vicious and cruel.  Sometimes I don’t know when to stop myself. 

He told me that we only get one chance to make a good impression with his kids and he wants to do it the right way.  I told him, that no matter what he hopes, I have no illusion that between his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her mother, that the kids will not want to be around me, will not respect me and will forever think of me as the reason why their parents got divorced.  I’m the whore, the bad guy, the reason.  I also told him that his reluctance to introduce me or talk to his kids about me, makes me wonder whether he and I are going to have a relationship down the road.  The biggest reason not to introduce someone to your kids (and believe me I researched this up the ying yang) is that they might not be there in 6 months.  Where the hell am I going?  If I stuck around this long, where am I going to be in 6 months or a year from now?  My best friend asked me today if I thought that I was going to marry MM, that there is no doubt in her mind that he wants to marry me, be with me forever, but I have never said the same about him.  Why is that?  Am I scared to do it or do I think that “marriage” and “forever” are best left for fairy tales?  Meeting his kids puts me in the “forever” category.  I get that.  It’s not that I’ve wanted to meet them as much as I’ve wanted MM to ASK me to meet them, to beg me to meet them, to set up a meeting without me nagging.  It’s not the same when you have to ask. 

I know that things haven’t been ideal and now we are here – the holiday season – again.  What I want is to get rid of the bad memories that are plaguing me this time of year.  So many have blogged about the holidays – when you are the “other” you don’t get that time.  Now I’m not the “other,” I’m actually the partner and I still feel like the “other.”  While I don’t think that this is a good time to meet his kids, I want to have been asked.  I wanted him to want me to meet them.  I’m angry or sad that whether he did or didn’t, he said nothing until I pushed him.

I spoke to MM tonight.  He has his kids.  They’re both sick.  His soon-t0-be-ex-wife has enrolled them in an after school program for 2 days a week at an exorbitant cost of over $1000/month.  Now they’re sick.  MM picked them up this afternoon and brought them to his house.  He was whining that the kids are “home sick” and the home is going to be sold in less than a month.  His daughter complained that the tree wasn’t big enough and not as big as the one that “mom got.”  The ornaments are the old ones, and mom got new ones.  So MM is sad. Depressed.  And lucky me, he shares it.  That’s a bit tongue in cheek – I’m glad he shares it but angry that he thinks I can be sympathetic all the time.  It taps me out.  It’s taking its toll on me.  I can’t listen to it all the time.  I don’t want to hear it anymore.  I’m tired.  The fight that we always have is that he sees the glass as half empty and I see it as half full.  You chose how you live your life.  You can choose to be happy or to be sad.  He seems to make a choice that sucks the life out of me.  I’m tired.  Tired of always being on the receiving end of his questioning, his gloom, his sadness.  I want him to call me and say, while today was hard, it was worthwhile; that he’s excited about the future, as difficult as it’s going to be.  As Dr. Kelso (“Scrubs”) said: Nothing worth having is easy.  And as Andrew Carnegie is accredited with saying: Anything in life worth having, is worth working for. 

Where do I fit in?

D-Day + 1

December 10, 2010

D-day + 1. 

366 days later.

365 days ago:

MM went to Florida to “stay” with his parents to think about his bad behavior and how he would feel if he were divorced.  He was punished.  His w punished him when she found out about us.  She punished me when she found out about us. 

I spoke with MM the day after d-day – what should he do, what should he say, what he was telling w about me, about us, about our relationship. 

I told him not to go to Florida.  He went. 

I told him to speak to a lawyer so he would have a realistic idea of what “being divorced” was all about it.  He went to Florida and didn’t call a lawyer. 

He told me the lies he was telling his W about our relationship and asked me, that should she call me again, to corroborate them.  He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer and she didn’t call me again. 

He called me 4 days later and then he didn’t call me again.

He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer; he asked me to lie for him; he disconnected me on Facebook, business networks; he blocked my cell phone & telephone numbers, my ip address from his computer. 

He asked me to be patient.  He told me he missed me. 

He came home; took his w to his company’s holiday party and stayed in the hotel we always stayed at; took his family to Florida in February and fucked his wife for the first time ever; and called me and texted me and told me that he loves me, misses me, needs me. 

He went to marriage counseling; he told me he was trying to reconcile/to fix things at home, to fix things with everyone – but me.

He & his w sent me an email telling me that “I’m sorry I hurt you.  However comma I love my wife and my family.”

He made plans to be with me then took his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 3 days before our meeting. 

He didn’t want to hurt anyone.  He hurt me.

366 days after d-day and MM is getting divorced. 

366 days after d-day MM went to the police to file a complaint against his w for menacing and threatening to hurt him.

366 days after d-day, MM’s w has herpes.

366 days after d-day MM has a new home that he calls “ours.”

366 days after d-day MM and I have spent my birthday together, Thanksgiving together and have planned to spend Christmas and New Year’s together.

366 days after d-day, MM isn’t wearing a wedding band.

366 days after d-day I feel that there are some issues that we still need to address; that there are still questions and unresolved hurt; that I’m still owed some apologies.

366 days after d-day is completely different than I thought it was going to be the day after d-day.

D-Day Revisted or The more things change . . .

December 8, 2010

On December 9, 2009 at 7:06 pm I received the following text: 

“Hi — I know about you and my husband. – Wife”

It feels like yesterday and it has been a year.  A long, miserable, shitty year.  I have gone back,  on the eve of my anniversary to re-read, from the beginning, some of my posts.  The pain was excruciating.  I remember it like it was yesterday and yet it was 364 days ago.  The anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the feeling like a fool, the feeling of being betrayed and not chosen.  After 364 days, our outward labels have changed, but sometimes I feel as if that’s all that has changed. 

Where we were and where we are:

1.  MM & w living “happily ever after” in their lovely 3000 sq. ft. home with in ground pool, mother-in-law, 2 children, dog and all the while MM was 3 years into a love affair – emotionally and physically.

Today:  MM has rented a house.  I helped him settle in this past weekend.  He’s not moving in yet, because his stupid wife filed a motion for temporary support and a visitation schedule while they are still living under the same roof.  The advice he got from everyone (including me) was to stay put until after they have their conciliation/mediation meeting and until after the date for the motion is heard.  There will be nothing to decide at that time.  She’s stupid.

2.  MM’s w was obsessed with the details of our relationship – how often we made love/fucked/had sex; did he wear a condom; how selfish he was to have strayed outside his marriage and put his darling wife at risk for STDs.  So, she got tested for STDs.  The tests of course came back clean.

Today:  MM told me that when his w was at work, he wanted to clear out the remainder of his things from the master bedroom/bathroom and found a prescription that his W had for Valtrax.  I didn’t know what it was and he briefly explained and I looked it up on the internet, that it is for genital herpes.  Uproariously funny!  She has herpes.  Oh, life is rich.  I have a friend who says “the world is round”.  I love that.  Of course, I said to MM, should I go and get tested for STDs.  It was a bit tongue in cheek, but it was a stab at the fact that he was fucking his w in February.

3.  I hadn’t met his kids or the rest of his family

Today:  I still haven’t met his kids.  I still haven’t met the rest of his family.

4.  We didn’t spend the holidays or other important events together.

Today:  MM spent Thanksgiving with me, my kids, my parents.  It was an agreement that he made with his W – she would have them for Thanksgiving this year and he would have them for Christmas – from 12/24 at 10:00 pm through the week.  He invited me and my kids to spend Christmas with him and the following day is his birthday.  We haven’t spent the holiday/birthday together.  I put off seeing a friend from California so that we could be together for Christmas and New Year’s – not the entire week but days/nights during the last 10 days of the year.  MM told me this weekend that he may take his kids to Florida to see his parents during part of that time and then yesterday he asked what would I prefer – Christmas OR New Year’s?  I thought my head was going to explode!  I blew off a friend of mine so that we could be together and he was blowing me off!  I could not have been angrier with myself. 

And then it got better.  How, you must be wondering, could it get any better.  MM told me that w suggested they have Christmas morning together – so that the kids could “come down the stairs” and they could open their presents together – like one-big-happy-family.  While I don’t think that’s a good idea for a million different reasons, he told me that it’s not about him and w but about the kids and Christmas and that if that would make them happy, then he didn’t care if is W was leaving 5 minutes later to “fuck her boyfriend,” he would do this for his kids.  OF course, he was supposed to have his kids, in his new home for Christmas morning.  He had invited me and my kids to join them.  Like a fool, I already mentioned this to my kids.

Then:  Second best. 

Today:  Second best.

Then:  Stupid and self-delusional

Today:  Stupid and self-delusional

Funny how the more things change the more they stay the same.


November 12, 2010

I have a friend who works in a hospital helping addicted people – mostly teens, but anyone with an addiction.  The other night we spoke about heroine, methadone and what it does to quiet the need for other.  My understanding is that methadone quiets the receptors that call for the heroine, thereby diminishing the need/urge/addiction.  I asked my friend that if we can quiet those receptors in the brain, why we can’t use methadone to help other addictions.  For example someone addicted to alcohol, or shopping or food or going to the gym or is in love with a MM?  Why if we can use methadone to quite the “needy” receptors in someone’s brain and cause them to refrain from shooting heroin, couldn’t we find something to, let’s say, quiet the brain’s need to be in love with a married man?

My MM has kept me up to speed on every single gory detail about his divorce.  I know that I’ve written about that, but it never ceases to amaze me.  I know about the discovery demands and responses, the deposition testimony, the acrimony about dividing up the personal property and on and on and on.

There’s something interesting in a relationship with a MM (and I don’t mean boyfriend.)  While we, the OW, accept their position as married, from my perspective I didn’t find the ugly green monster of jealousy rise too much to the surface.  Every once in a while it would bother me.  In fact, for the most of my relationship with MM, I didn’t ask him whether he and his w were having sex.  I didn’t want to think about it and so I didn’t ask.  I knew that it was infrequent, if at all and he told me more than once that he was more married to me that way, than to her.  I remember him telling me the last time he and his w had sex was in October 2008.  That when she would initiate, he would say he was tired or something.  I wasn’t having sex with anyone else during that time – but went out on dates, kissed, held hands, thought about it, but nothing further.

MM was in town for business this week.  I have the flu.  So off he went to work, and I stayed in bed.  He has left some clothes here, some papers, some toiletries – to establish an existence here while he prepares to move out of his house and into a new home – like a dual residency.  He empties out his suitcase and puts his stuff in drawers in my home.  He put his bag on the window sill and I went to move it to close the window and noticed that there was “stuff” inside the bag.  It turned out to be papers, folders of his legal/matrimonial action.  I’ve seen all of the documents – he has forwarded everything to me.  Except the deposition transcript.  Which was in the bag.  Which screamed at me to read it.  So, whether I should have or shouldn’t have, I did.  And I didn’t like what I read.  While I knew he was questioned extensively about the infamous apology letter he wrote to his w, during his exile, I didn’t know how much effort he put into “fixing” his marriage, making it work, atoning for the sins of his affair, apologizing for putting his family at risk and everything he loves (none of it was me, of course) and how very stupid and selfish he was, how very much he loves his w more than anything.  What I learned was that he took her to the holiday party at his new company (from which he has since been fired) and stayed at the same hotel that he and I would stay in when I would come to his town; that he brought her on a business trip to another state that he had ASKED ME TO GO WITH HIM TO, in February 2010, that up until July or August, he and his w would share a bottle of wine.  That a month before the deposition (in September) he was still, albeit rarely, continuing to look at on-line pornography/women.   But the one thing that I saw, shoved into the transcript was a piece of paper with his hand written notes, detailing all of the sexless vacations they had and how even when they were intimate, there was no connection, that whenever they would go south to stay with his parents they NEVER had sex EXCEPT THIS PAST FEBRUARY 2010, DURING OUR NO-CONTACT PERIOD.  Actually, it was worse than that – he had been emailing me and calling me and then, out of the blue, he told me that he had to think things through but that I was complicating things and he needed to do this on his own.  That was the week he was down south with his parents, fucking his wife.  I can’t get it out of my head.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  I’m so angry I could explode.

I went and re-read emails that we were exchanging during that “no contact” period of time.  Almost every email started with “I hope you will forgive me for the way I behaved” or “I’m sorry that I hurt you and realize how much I love you, need you and want to be with you” or “I don’t want you to resent me for what I have to go through, but I’m doing this so that I can be stronger” or “I don’t want to resent you for doing something that I’m not ready to do” or “I’m sorry for . . . .”  Ironically, he wrote a multi-page email telling his wife how sorry he was for the “stupid mistake” he made by falling in love with me. 

What I know about MM and what I have since learned about him are as follows:

1.  He’s weak – he does what everyone tells him to do (except me, of course)

2.  He’s a pleaser – he wants everyone to like him and he can’t stand when anyone is angry with him

3.  He’s not as a smart as I thought or as well-rounded as I thought – but, on the upside he seems more amenable to changing than I thought he would be

4.  He’s weak

5.  He is insecure

6.  He is naive and childlike

7.  He doesn’t have a very good head for business, but can retain a tremendous amount of information

8.  He’s weak

9.  He’s cheap – but I wonder if that’s (a) because he was married and couldn’t spend his money on me or else she would find out; (b) has been unemployed since June; or (c) because that’s just what he is.

10.  He’s unimaginative in bed.  He’s a good lover but uninspiring.

11.  He’s a liar – aren’t all MM who have affairs, liars?  Don’t they have to live double lives in order to be with someone other than their wives, their families.  Why would I think that if he could lie to his w for all those years, that I’m the only one that he’s honest with.  What a big ego I must have to think that way.  How delusional I must be to think that way.  How addicted I must be to think that way.  I wonder if I were to get an injection of methadone, whether that would help the receptors in my brain behave more clearly.

“Why” is a crooked letter

October 26, 2010

You know how there are times when all you want to do is vent, scream at the top of your lungs, drink a bottle of wine, eat a pint of ice cream, sit in front of the TV but something inside you stops you from doing that.  And you do the responsible thing.  Get up, go to work, make dinner, do laundry, smile, exchange pleasantries.  And you feel like tearing your hair out.  Or ripping his face off.  But you don’t.

I have read a number of posts where the entries have talked about deleting MM’s old emails and how cathartic it was.  I have read them enviously.  I can’t do it.  I couldn’t block his phone and I can’t delete the old emails.  I like to re-read them.  Especially the ones that burn my butt.  I don’t know why.  I have most of our emails from all the pseudonym email addresses.  In the throws of the affair, I used to love to read them over.  The ones telling me how much he loves me, misses me, aches for me.  How I complete him, am his soul mate.  After d-day, and his bullshit no contact email, there were no emails for a while.  I called him towards the end of January to tell him how angry I was that he blocked me on facebook but refused to call him and refused to email him.  If he wanted to speak to me, he could call me.  If he wanted to email me, I would think about responding.   That ended our “no contact” but the pseudonym email addresses persisted.  I didn’t want to call him because I did not want to be portrayed as the crazy OW, and have some sort of restraining order against me.  That wasn’t me.  You don’t want to talk to me, I’m not calling.  That doesn’t mean I wont answer the phone. 

So today, I was looking through some emails.  My favorite is the “However comma I love my wife.”  But then, like a detective, I looked through some more.  The email from him, out of the blue, after we had talked that simply said “IMY”  (I miss you).  The date on that was February 13.  Was that before or after he went to down south with his W and kids to see his parents, while he was “trying to figure everything out” so “we shouldn’t talk that week.”  I found the emails where we talked about making plans to see each other.  Then a few intermittent emails, because he was sick.   Sunday night he writes to tell me that he got a lot of rest over the weekend, but now I know that he went to the Caribbean with his W for her birthday that weekend.  Must be why I got an email at 10:30 am and then not another one until 9:30 pm (when he got home.)   I was able to get angry all over again. 

I saw MM this weekend.  We were talking about funny names.  And he told me that when he was at a resort, he saw someone with a funny name tag.  When I asked him what resort, he said he didn’t want to tell me because I would get angry.  OH HOW RIGHT HE WAS!!!  I told him that I didn’t find anything funny about that time.  That I didn’t want him to raise that fucking weekend trip to me ever again.  That what was “funny” was that he has apologized to everyone but me and that I want a fucking apology.  That what I find “funny” is that he doesn’t ask about who I was dating, seeing, screwing, but that he should rest assured that I wasn’t sitting home, holding my blackberry waiting for it to buzz.  Because, “however comma” I was working on my future. 

Oh, I feel the blood boil, and the anger course through my veins.  Will it ever stop?  I told MM this past weekend, that I need to get it out of my system.  He treated me like I was disposable.  (In fact, I used those very words in an email to him.)  He wrote, in an email, that he was concerned that I shouldn’t hate him for the way he treated me during those months when he was “working on his marriage” and “going to marriage counseling” all the while telling his W that I am his soul mate but telling me that he is in MARRIAGE counseling!!!!  Why else does one go to marriage counseling except to work on their marriage.

Then I found the email where he told me that he told his W, and she agreed, that they should separate.  He was “physically” sick. 

I grew tired of looking at those emails and skipped to the ones that he has since sent me under his real name.  My favorite, as of late, is the 7 page email he sent to his W while in exile immediately after d-day.  I liked reading her email to him, attached to his string of apologies – telling her he loves her, wants her, needs her and their life and how after knowing each other for almost x-teen years he can’t imagine his life without her –  commanding him to write the email (which he obliged her with) and what it should say.  I liked how he referred to our love affair as a “stupid indiscretion” and something he would never do again.  How she yammered on about how he put his marriage at risk by getting involved with another woman, how he jeopardized her health and risked getting STDs, how she was hurt that he told me that he loved me “very much”.   What amazed me as I read (and of course, got angry) was that he never told her to go fuck herself.  He never told her the truth.  He never said to her “You’re right.  I was dishonest with you.  I should have left years ago, but I couldn’t.  Now I’ve met someone else, someone I love deeply, someone I believe is my soul mate.  I’m sorry I hurt YOU, however comma I’m leaving you.”  Why couldn’t he do that?  What was he thinking? 

Why?  Why?  Why?  Will I ever stop asking why?  Will I ever let it go?  Am I capable of letting it go?

When I was a little girl, and I would ask my parents “why”, they would oftentimes give me the non-answer:  “Y is a crooked letter.”  I never understood that it was a diversion, not an answer, never an answer.  Why is a crooked letter.

One last Breath

October 14, 2010

Yesterday I told my MM that I’m not happy.  Specifically, I told him that he isn’t making me happy.  I was so angry that I was seething.  (Ironically, I haven’t been this angry in ages, yet every time I write about him, it is because I’m angry.)  He went to look at apartments today.  While that should be making me happy – so we can finally have a place to be together, and he wont always have to come to my town – it made me angry WHERE he was looking.  We had discussed that we didn’t think it prudent that he and his soon-2B-exW live in the same town, on top of each other.  She will likely have primary custody.  She also said that she is going to stay in the same town where they currently live and the kids will go to the same school(s).  That being said, he lives in an area where there are towns 5, 10, 15 minutes away that are familiar to his kids and close enough but not too close, where getting to/from school/activities will be fine.  He raised this.  Not me.  I agreed.  Today – he’s looking in the same town as his soon-2B-ex.  I flipped.  For the simple reason that this is what he does – says one thing and does something else.  He’s been interviewing for a job that he got that will be 100% commission.  I don’t think he should take it.  For solid, definable, legitimate, well thought out reasons.  He’s taking it.  I told him, that it’s not my life.  He should live where it is most convenient for him, his kids, his W and if it works for me then fine.  And if not, not.

He told me that his realtor told him that his W is close to signing a lease for an apartment/house/condo.  I was shocked.  The house hasn’t been sold and if she moves out she certainly can’t take the kids with her.  And there’s not parenting schedule/agreement.  She’s close and he just started to look.  Defines who and what he is.  Passive.

He told me that he doesn’t think that I’ve been supportive.  I thought my head was going to explode.  I have been the singularly most supportive person of him.  What I told him was that quite the opposite – not only has he not been supportive of me, but he hasn’t been there for me and that he’s selfish.  And that perhaps we shouldn’t see each other anymore.  It knocked the wind out of his sails.  I’m concerned that I said it, that I meant it and that I haven’t felt comfortable with my retraction. 

I was yelling at him – about the fact that while I have no income, he hasn’t paid for anything (and not to sound ridiculous, his unemployment benefits are almost double mine).  He said that he drove 4 hours to see me and that I was angry that he didn’t stay.  I countered that I was angry that he didn’t tell me in advance that he couldn’t stay longer so I would not have changed my plans.  And that the prior time we got together, I drove 4 hours to see him, AND paid for the hotel, despite the fact that I own my home and pay a mortgage.  He paid for dinner.  Who gives a shit.  He asked me to join him and the realtor to look at places and I rejected that out of hand and he never would have done that – he would have joined me.  I told him that in order for me to “join him” I would have to make 2 days worth of child care arrangements, meals, dog-care arrangement and that unlike him, I’m a single mother with no other adult in my home.  I don’t get to go to the gym, even at the ungodly hour of 6:15 am because then there is no one home to wake the kids, get them ready for school, make lunch and take the little one to school.  I don’t get to “go for a run” at 2:00 pm on Saturday when I have my kids (1 of which I have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year as she is completely estranged from her father – not complaining, I love her and would cut out my heart for her, just stating a fact) because they have activities, responsibilities, etc. and if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t happen.  So, “joining him” at 2pm to look at apartments in the middle of the week, doesn’t work.  Of course we went round and round until there was nothing left to say.  Unfortunately, this is a discussion we’ve had in the past and I have no doubt, one that we will have again.  When he apologized, he said:  I guess I’m just a terrible person.  I told him that was a cop-out thing to say.  I added, bitchily, that if that’s the case, he could write me a 10 page apology letter telling me why he’s a terrible person, like he did for his W.  I told him that I didn’t buy it.  He just needed to take off his blinders and stop being so self absorbed.  LOL.  Let’s see the likelihood of that happening.

MM’s W has been incredibly aggressive with their divorce schedule.  She hired expensive lawyers, despite the fact that there are no assets and has spent in excess of $30,000 – almost half of it on her credit card.  A couple of weeks ago her lawyers deposed MM.  Most of the deposition was focused on his relationship with me – how we met, the first time we were together, how often we saw each other, whether he had been with anyone else.  She told him this weekend that she figured since he was under oath, it would be good time to find out the details of his life.  Sounds fairly sick to me.  I have read other blogs about the betrayed spouse learning details of the affair and none of it ends nicely.  To what avail?  Is it going to undo the past?  Is it going to make things as they were before?  Or are you going to replay the stories in your head over and over and over.  I certainly fall into the latter category.  One blogger posted that since the discovery of her husband’s affair she has found herself physically ill.  I can imagine.  And she posts that she and her husband are doing well, reconciling and moving forward with their marriage.  If that were truly the case (and hope for her sake that it is), then why is she sick?  Why can’t she get past it?  Would she have been better off not knowing the details that she does and replaying a silent movie in her head over and over.  We all think that we want to know, but the adage “ignorance is bliss” is true.  What we don’t know can’t hurt us.  I don’t want to know.  I want to know every last detail.  I can’t always reconcile those competing thoughts.

MM confides everything in me.  As I was walking into the supermarket last night, he called to tell me that he had planned to go to his class last night but his W stormed into the house, told him she was going out and then promptly left him with the kids.  Not my problem.  Of course she’s simply confirming for him, that our affair was justified, that he’s moving in the right direction, as long as it is away from her.  I should send her a thank-you note.  Of course I should have sent one years ago.  Being the self centered narcissist that she is, the affair was easy – for all concerned. He could text me 100s of times a day when he was home, because she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  We could travel/go anywhere we wanted and she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  Her husband was absent and she didn’t notice and didn’t care.  And then has the nerve to be the outraged betrayed spouse.  At  what point, if ever, will she take responsiblity for her failed marriage.  The affair was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back; the camel was the dysfunctional, miserable, sexless, selfish marriage.  For as angry as I’ve gotten with MM over the past couple of months, one of the many things that he’s committed to is not recreating his marriage or past relationships.  Having meaningful discussions and arguments, resolving issues and moving on, not letting things fester is something that he’s never donle before.  While new and discomforting, he’s willing to do it.  Fighting, arguing, disagreeing, doesn’t mean that you dont dislike someone or that you don’t love them anymore.  It’s  a revelation to him. 

Amazingly, after d-day, MM’s W was obsessed with whether he wore a condom and getting STDs.  Of course he didn’t wear a condom and STDs was not an issue – for either of us.  That notwithstanding, she insisted on getting tested.  I can’t imagine what she was thinking.  The last time they had sex was October 2008.  The time before that, April 2008.  The time before that – sometime in 2007.  If she caught an STD, it would have manifested well before January or February 2010, unless she were fucking someone else.  In fact, since they’ve decided to divorce, she’s posted “fuck-me” bikini clad photos on and has bed hopped from guy to guy.  It appears that she now has someone who she’s been screwing since June but he’s not the first, the second or even the 3rd. And she likes to sleep over, and return home at 4:00am.   As happily married as she claimed to be (according to MM, the morning of d-day she told her mother that she had never been happier with he life and marriage) she hasn’t spent a minute “mourning” the end of her marriage.  She has been to busy trying to find a “boyfriend.”  Funny thing was she kept telling MM that she was going out with “the girls” and coming home at 4:00 am.  Naively, he assumed that was true.  Her entire life she never had any friends – neither male nor female – and now, all of sudden she has a posse.  And MM was gullible enough to believe her.  In fact, after d-day, she called HIS friends, his parents, his sisters – and told him that was because she didn’t have any friends.  How very pathetic.  And now, given an opportunity to make friends, develop meaningful relationships, she is simply 1000% focused on getting a boyfriend.  MM told me a story that years ago, they lived on cul-de-sac.  Most of the husbands were friends and most of the women were friends.  They would have bbq’s together, take yoga classes, golf, etc.  While MM was included, his W was NEVER included.  He asked her to try to make an effort and so she went to a yoga class with them once.  They never asked her again.  She said that MM wouldn’t understand since it was a “girl thing” and that women for the most part, are bitches.  One of the neighbors that he would run with, every morning, had a 40th birthday party.  EVERYONE on the block was invited except them.  Speaks volumes, doesn’t it?  Meanwhile during their separation, MM has gone to concerts with friends, dinners with friends, drinks with friends as well as spend time with me and my friends and his friends.  How sad and lonely for his soon-2B-ex.

A little ranting, a little raving makes me feel a little better.  Struggling like everyone else to find the right answers, to move forward with my life, not backwards.  And to be happy.  I was reading someone else’s blog this week and he talked about Passion.  Aren’t we all looking for that passion – that special something that lights a fire in you.  I remember telling my older daughter that was what I wanted for her — to find something that she was passionate about, that burned a fire in her, that she craved to do and that fulfilled her.  She has found that something.  Lucky her.

I thought I found it, but now am not sure.

I love this Creed song, One last Breath and it has been playing in my head lately.  Captures some of what I’ve been feeling:

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe

One Last Breath, by Creed.

Bat out of Hell

October 8, 2010

I’m exhausted.  It has been a long week.  A long couple of weeks.  I’m stressed out about finding work and earning a living.  My job has been eliminated and now I’m facing working as 100% commission driven or finding another employee/employer job.  I’ve been networking, setting up meetings, sending out my resume, posting for jobs, calling people.  I’m not sleeping so well.  I’m eating, for the first time ever, from nerves.  My exercise routine is off.  I’m not making or returning social calls and am a bit freaked out.  Not to mention that the kids are back in school and we have yet to find a comfortable routine.  My ex is delinquent and refusing to meet his child support obligations for no reason but spite.  The list is endless.  Like my stress.

MM is still unemployed.  MM is still living at home with his W, MIL and kids.  The sale of MM’s house is still pending bank approval.  MM is in the same position today as he was in April.  6 months have come and gone.  And he’s still no where.  I want to scream at him, I want to hold him, I want to cut him loose, I want to be with him.  One of my comments mentioned that what we all seek is clarity.  True.

It is also true that what I seek is action.  I hate the purgatory.  Isn’t that the problem with no contact?  What is he thinking?  And we all answer that in whatever way suits us best.  How could his W take him back?  Again, we answer that in ways that please us.  But it is all speculation.  There is nothing definitive.  Will he call?  Should I call?  Should I delete the old emails?  Should I block his number?  Did he block my number?  What if I move on and then he wants to be with me?  What if I wait for him and he never leaves his W for me?  It is the inaction that kills me.  It is the lack of answers that eats at my very being.  It is the lack of definite movement in any direction that galls me.  And what I hate is the indecision it causes in me. 

I’m focused on the end game – what I want, where I want to be.  Weakness, as I have so often said, is not an option in my life.  It is insufferable.  My older daughter said to me the other day the reason she doesn’t like MM is that he doesn’t ever seem to do anything to help himself; that he waits for me to fix everything for him.  She wonders why, if I can be strong and take care of things that I do, why can’t he.  I was driving my younger child to a friend’s house last weekend.  She was listening to her ipod and I was on the phone with MM.  I thought she wasn’t listening (which was a pretty good bet since both earphones were in and I could hear the music through them).  When I was done she said that she knew I was talking to MM because I talk to him like he’s a child – explaining things to him, giving him advice, helping with all the issues in his life.  She said that I have children and he’s not one of them.  Out of the mouth of babes.  She’s right.

MM was deposed a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently there weren’t any questions that were out of bounds.  Everything was fair game.  From what does he say when he hangs up the phone with me (“I love you”), to the first time we had sex (in a hotel on a business trip, after a couple of drinks), to whether we have a connection (which he said we do), to whether he and his W have a “story book marriage” (a lie, he said, written to appease her and to get back into the house to see his kids.  Yeah, a horror story book).  It seemed ridiculous and a waste of money.  The only thing that was solved was his W’s curiosity about me, about him, about “us.”

So, his W is dating.  She seems to be a serial monogomist.  It is her 3rd serious boyfriend since they decided to get divorced.  Funny that she was so allegedly concerned about MM giving her STD’s from sleeping with me and yet she has been attempting to fuck her way to happiness.  She spends all of her energy trying to go out and be with her current beau.  How do I know all this?  Because he emailed MM about getting phone calls from a blocked number.  Neither MM nor I would have called this person, nor did we know he existed.  Of course the email unleashed an investigation by MM and after looking at cell phone bills, saw the existence of his W’s serial monogamy.  Good for her.  She’s happy.  Fucking a different guy every couple of months.  And spending tens of thousands of dollars asking MM about me.  Yeah.  Happy.  Not.

I’m angry too.  I’m angry that MM tells me what his W is doing, where she’s going, what she says, what his MIL is doing, saying and how she’s behaving.  MM and his W don’t have a parenting agreement in place, because they are living in the same house.  He’s afraid that every time he’s not with his kids a/k/a – being with me – that he’s going to get less and less time with his kids when the divorce is final.  The reality is that he’s going to get every other weekend and 1 night during the week.  Maybe 2.  Maybe not.  Then they are going to split vacations, holidays, etc.  Get the fuck over it!!!  MM has been unemployed since mid-June and spends 7 days a week with his kids, unless he’s with me.  He doesn’t go out with friends, unless I encourage him.  And now that the school year is underway, and while he’s unemployed, he has decided that it is best for him that he come to my town during the week.  Well, that isn’t exactly what is best for me.  And what I hear is that: (1)  W went out tonight and had so much perfume on that the house still smells of it hours later. (2) W has a business meeting 20  minutes from home and is going to stay at a hotel since the morning meetings start early – of course she’s going to be with her boyfriend. (3) W spent $150 on Zappos, $140 at TJ Maxx, $200 at Target and we don’t have enough money to pay the mortgage.  (4) W says she’s going to the supermarket yet is gone for hours – obviously she’s with her boyfriend.  And on and on and on.  I erupted and told him that I don’t care.  That I’m not interested.  That I don’t want to know.  That he should find someone else to talk to about his W.  I’m not the right person for it.  I didn’t share the gory details of my divorce with MM.  It wasn’t his business.  I don’t want to know the details about his divorce.  I want him to move out to the house.  I want him to have a parenting agreement in place.  I’m getting to the end of my rope.  I would prefer to not be with him while this is going on than live through it anymore.  I don’t have any spare energy to fix his problems anymore.  I don’t want to do it.  I can’t afford it – emotionally, financially, time-wise.

I can’t make any more decisions.  I’m tired.  I would like to be in a relationship with someone that lives in my town, but I like not being constrained all the time.  I’m jealous that his W has a boyfriend that lives 15-30 minutes away and that MM and I live 4 hours from each other.  I’m angry that he’s not working, that he’s not making any money, that he can’t take care of me, that he’s so needy, that he’s self-centered. 

I’m angry with myself that I broke no-contact.  I’m angry that I didn’t follow my gut and let this relationship die the death it needed to.  I’m angry that I love him and want to be with him.  I’m angry that I can’t let the past go, that I replay in my mind the hurt he caused me from December through March, the trips he took with W to prove to her that I wasn’t important to him or that she was. I’m angry that I have no interest in being monogamous.  I’m angry that I took the easy way out.  For all of the OW who think that no-contact is cruel, it is the best thing for you.  Embrace it and move on with your lives.  If it were meant to be, it would have been.  Take control of your lives.  Your future is yours for the taking. 

Here’s your chance:  Fly be free.  Or run like a bat out of hell!!!!!  You’re lucky and don’t even know it.

Oh Baby, you’re the only thing in this whole world
That’s pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
There’s always gonna be some light
But I gotta get out
I gotta break it out now
Before the final crack of dawn
So we gotta make the most of our one night together
When it’s over you know
We’ll both be so alone

Like a bat out of hell
I’ll be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone when the morning comes
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And moonlight’s shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you

I’m gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver black phantom bike
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry
And we’re all about to see the light
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole
Everything is stunted and lost
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing’s ever worth the cost

And I know that I’m damned if I never get out
And maybe I’m damned if I do
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I’d rather be damned with you
Well, If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night with you
. . .

Like a bat out of hell
I’ll be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone when the morning comes
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And moonlight’s shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I’ll come crawling on back to you

“Bat out of Hell” by Meatloaf

Easy bake Oven

September 4, 2010

I’ve had a lot to say lately.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading, commenting, thinking and writing.  The blogging community has been very good to me.  It has been a place to publicly vent, to display, solicit and begin to heal.  I have found it to be immeasurably comforting.

I don’t know why, 4 months after MM told me he was getting divorced, 4 months after he came to my town and slept over in my home, in my bed, 4 months after he was able to be with me publicly, 4 months after he started telling people that he was getting divorced, that I’ve been all consumed with the posts, with the bloggers and with writing.  I wonder, subconsciously, what’s going on with me. 

I struggle with how I got to be where I am on September 4, 2010.  Where was I on September 4, 2009?  2008?  Seems a bit blurry.  And did I ever, for a moment, think that THIS is where I would be?  Not in a million years.

I’m frustrated, sad, angry, frightened.  I think about words like “love,” “soul mate,” “other woman,” “married man,”  “discovery day,”  “no contact” and the list is endless.  Worse, sometimes is that it is all-consuming.  I don’t understand how the affair can take up so much of my time.  It’s like damned sink-hole or bottomless abyss.  And yet – my life is so substantially different on September 4, 2010 than it was on September 4, 2009.  And I’m not always sure it is for the better. 

I don’t know what it is that I’m seeking from the other bloggers, the other opinions, the other players in this shitty triangle.  Some small way to move on with my life.  Believe it or not, I envy those who have been able to withstand “no contact” until contact becomes a memory.  I envy those who have committed to their spouses, post affair, and are able to close the door to the life they had or could have had with their “other.”  I feel like I am in limbo – neither the girlfriend or the OW.  I liked being the OW.  It defined our relationship.  There were not expectations.  He had his W at the end of the day, and whatever I did or who I did it with, was never MM’s business.  I had a life that didn’t include him, that didn’t revolve around whether he could come to see me, what time he would leave and whether or not I should make plans.  UGH!  I hate that part of me.  The part that wants to see him at all cost.  The part that refuses to make plans “just in case” he is free.  For goodness sake, be  with me or not.  Commit to me or don’t.  Spend real time with me or go fuck yourself.  Simple.  Easy.  Not.

I got an email from a friend of mine telling me that she has a nice guy to fix me up with.  My best friend has a guy that she wants to introduce me to.  I have a great guy in my own town that wants to see me, that I keep turning away.  For what?  Would I have done that a year ago?  6 months ago?  Or 269 days ago? 8 months and 26 days ago?  6,456 hours ago?  387,360 minutes ago? Or 23,241,600 seconds ago?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love

Seasons of love. Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out,
Tho’ the story never ends
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!

Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love.

“Seasons of Love,” Rent the Musical, music and lyrics by Jonathan Larson.

When I was a little girl I had an Easy Bake Oven.  I remember how neat it was to make the mini cakes, pies, cookies, etc.  It cooked under a lightbulb.  (Wasn’t my mother concerned with salmonella?)  I don’t remember them tasting great, but the idea of them was huge and wonderful.  When my children were old enough I got an Easy Bake Oven for them.  We baked those min cakes.  And you know what? 

 They tasted like shit.