Time is of the Essence

I can’t believe that it is 2013.

Date difference from Dec 9, 2009 to Feb 7, 2013

The total number of days between Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 and Thursday, February 7th, 2013 is1,156 days.

This is equal to exactly 3 years, 1 month, and 29 days.

This does not include the end date, so it’s accurate if you’re measuring your age in days, or the total days between the start and end date.  But if you want the duration of an event that includes both the starting date and the ending date, then it would actually be1,157 days.

1,156 days is equal to 165 weeks and 1 day.

The total time span from 2009-12-09 to 2013-02-07 is 27,744 hours.

This is equivalent to 1,664,640 minutes.

You can also convert 1,156 days to 99,878,400 seconds.

Today is 2/7/2013 and 12/9/2009 is exactly 1156 days before today

D-Day to today.  An eternity.  3 years.  Yesterday.  A lifetime. A blink of an eye.  Life as you know it will never be the same.

And yet –

Life continues.  Just ask 2P, AOW, RBM and me.  3 years.  I can’t believe it.  Our lives have moved into a pattern.  The “high” of the affair is gone and has been replaced by “normalcy.”  We’ve had colds, the flu, lost jobs, gotten new jobs, fought, dealt with his kids, my kids, transitioned a kid to college, to high school, to middle school, through punishments, over-drafts, tax refunds, weight gain, weight loss, P90x, weight watchers, peri-menopause, menopause, his parents, my parents.

And yet –

There is the endless, acrimonious relationship with his ex W and my ex H.  The squabbling over vacation days, after school activities, cheerleading, trumpet lessons, karate, tutors, camp.  It never ends.  But I guess that’s what life is all about.

Or is it.

Sometimes I miss the affair.  The excitement, the passion, the secrecy.  Sometimes I wish I were alone.  Sometimes I wish I were with someone else.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t responsible for another human being when I find it difficult enough to be responsible for myself, my kids and my dog.  Sometimes I wish my life had gone in a different direction.  In fact, often lately I’ve been wishing that.  Yes, I know that wishing doesn’t make it so, but there are days when I feel that’s all I have.   That, and a glass of wine.

Valentine’s day is coming soon.  I hate Valentine’s day with the expectations of love, flowers and chocolate.  Being with that perfect someone.  While xMM/BF and I are together, we still dont’ live together and haven’t been able to do anything about the distance.  This year I’m having a biopsy on February 13, so BF is coming to me on the 12th and leaving the morning of the 14th.  He wasn’t originally going to be with me those days as he has a conference in Florida.  He was supposed to have his kids from the 12th-13th.  But then I made the appointment.  So he started by telling me that my scheduling of the appointment wasn’t very convenient.  Are you kidding me???  Then he said that he would come to me after he took his kids to school (I’m a 3 1/2 hour drive and my appointment is at 8:30am.)  I told him not to come.  I don’t really want him here.  I didn’t ask him to come; I didn’t schedule my appointment for a “mutually convenient time” because I’m only concerned about what fits my schedule for this.  But we were going to be able to spend the 14th together.  Now he would like to go out to dinner on the 13th.  The night perpetually reserved for the OW or OM.  (And not to mention that my biopsy is going to last about 2- 2 1/2 hours in the morning and I may not be in a festive mood, plus I have my kid.)  So I’m a bit unhappy about this.  I know it sounds stupid and petulant but I was the OW for so long that either I celebrate this stupid Hallmark holiday ON THE DAY or I don’t.

BF has a married male friend, married 15 years.  He had an affair several years ago and has been on a dating web site for married people to meet and have an affair.  This friend’s wife had an affair many years ago.  The friend knows but never confronted her.  He’s unhappily married and would like to get a divorce after their kids leave the house.  The day before Thanksgiving, he found some texts on his wife’s phone from another man, and confronted her.  She’s been having an affair.  They’re going to get divorced.  Until they’re not.  Now he’s not sure; now he says, he loves his wife; now he says, those years of sexless living together were stressed induced; now he’s freezing his membership to the online dating site that his wife knows nothing about.  Now, I think he’s a fool.  Worse, my BF/xMM thinks he’s a fool.  REALLY???  Perhaps this is wrong of me, but I don’t think he has a leg to stand on.  He thinks the couple should get divorced – they hate each other and have for years, but the wife’s affair seems to be holding them together.  Until it doesn’t.  But my BF/xMM stayed after HIS affair was discovered, to try and work things out.  I can’t help but ruminate from time to time, what would have happened if his wife hadn’t wanted to push for the divorce.  I think this couple should get a divorce because they both want it, they are both unhappy and have both found happiness outside of their marriage.  Move on already.

Which brings me to my absolute and utter disbelief when I read that another blogger on this site, the first one I read and found comfort, advice, solace, compassion, understanding from, TV Explorer, was getting divorced.  His wife couldn’t take it anymore.  She couldn’t get past the affair no matter what.  WOW!  I was blown away.  I didn’t see that coming at all.  Or maybe, deep down it’s inevitable.  So maybe, even without the now ex W pushing for the divorce, it would have just eventually happened.   And maybe BF would be with someone else instead of me.  Maybe I wouldn’t have waited.  But isn’t that always what a good OW does?  She waits – for the hidden text, the secretive email, the hurried phone call, the last minute plans, celebrating holidays on the day before or the day after because the day of is reserved for the wife.

Happy Day Before Valentine’s Day.



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13 Responses to “Time is of the Essence”

  1. lwayswright Says:

    Affairs aren’t always that great once the affair is over!!! I’m sorry for your pain.

    • Susan Says:

      Thanks, Lways. Funny – it feels more like frustration these days. I can’t wrap my head around it. It was a bad week at work, a bad personal legal decision, a cancelled flight to FL (as I live in the NE and we’re having a blizzard), per/menopause, topped off by one of my dear friends having to put her dog to “sleep.” Blech. So my poor BF gets the brunt of my unforgiving, elphantlike brain and bad mood.

      But there is something magical about being in the the throws of an affair. I know that everyone has blogged about it, talks about the addiction and high of it and how wonderful you feel, the other person makes you feel. It is hard work to keep that ‘magic’ alive in everyday life. Surprisingly, for the most part, we work on our relationship and it is pretty good. Certainly better than most. Which I confess, surprises me.

      • lwayswright Says:

        I have never had an affair, however I have been cheated on!! So I know how strange the whole thing can be. I hope things start going better for you!

  2. Susan Says:

    @Lways – Yes, I know your story and have read your blog. You’re an inspiration in your writing and life – through it all. I too, hope things go better for you. At least they seem to be going in the right direction. 🙂

  3. betrayalsurvivor1981 Says:

    Re your comment to me @ whyhaveanaffair: Your point is well taken, and I wish you the best. 🙂

  4. betrayalsurvivor1981 Says:

    Susan, in response to your inquiry to me @ http://www.whyhaveanaffair.wordpress.com (“Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story. How you came to where you are now.”), I replied directly to your post (Hysterical bonding 2/8/13). Thanks for your interest.

  5. hisfloozie Says:

    Hi , i have found your blog today from Tv explorers. i dont’t know if it is giving me false hope and wether that helps. My 18 month affair ended abruptly 4 weeks ago with a d-day for him. The week after he emailed on/off wanting a life with me, needing to go back for the kids etc. Eventually he asked me to wait, he loved me , he couldn’t just walk away. then i had a weekend of silence and an email form his wife saying he never loved me etc etc, they were going to work on things. I told him i was walking away , he lsted 36 hrs before txting started again. Fast forward over the last 2 1/2 weeks to emails and txts but i can feel a difference in him, and now haven’t heard from him for 3 days ( weekends now n/c and it is easter weekend so long one. ) Or perhaps i am just so sensitive. That week after d-day, he admitted his life was going to be hell andhe didn’t know that what might happen, even if he tries to re-build things with his wife it might not work . On one hand i hate myself for being such a doormat, i should look at this guy who can seemingly casually leave me to suffer, yet sends emails so sweet and loving, and has agreed to my request we keep the relationship just on-line for a while, he speaks of being together again soon, how the first time together will be amazing etcetc. Am i being a fool ? Is he just hedging his bets ? But Susan your BF did leave eventually, and it seems you had no contact, then it started up again, how long did it take after you got back in contact before you were back in the affair ? and how long before he left his xw ? or did she chuck him out ? I wish i could get my lover to see that hard though life would be for us to both leave , the life we would have together would be better .

    • Susan Says:

      Hisfloozie – I’m sorry it took me a few days to respond. And mostly I’m sorry that you find yourself in this horrible purgatory of no-contact/post d-day. My advice: run for the hills!!! Run as fast as you can!!!! You’ve been given a chance to start a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t married! I would be very interested to find out how you ended in this situation. UGH! I can pull up those feelings of d-day and post d-day as if it happened yesterday. And in fact it happened 1,212 days ago, or 3 years, 3 months, and 26 days. It was horrible to feel like I could be discarded, like I was trash, like I didn’t matter. Yet, that was what I had allowed myself to be – secondary, trash, invisible. And I remember be shocked at that treatment, having been in the process of ending the affair myself. And not because I didn’t love him, but because I wanted more. Don’t you want more? Don’t you deserve more? I bought a book on how to end affairs – and the author said that each woman – the OW and the W only have 1/2 of a man. And in truth, it is really less. My D-day happened on 12/9; we spoke over the next few days, then nothing. And my xMM said the same thing as yours – be patient, wait for me, this will work out. Then 1 text, then nothing. I suffered. My ego suffered. I couldn’t wrap my head around any of it. Then that letter that still burns my ass “However comma . . .” Between you and me – I still have it. I still look at it. I don’t know why, though. My “fuck you” moment came when he continued to “unfriend” on all the social media, and people we knew in common kept asking me about him, relaying things he was saying and doing and it was starting to become a professional embarrassment. So I called to tell him to go fuck himself. That was 1/20/2010. I blogged about that call and how after he continued to call. Of course, it also realized that he lied to me during that time too – to save his own ass. I get it. He’s weak. He’s always been weak. Except when it came to me. And cutting me lose like a cancer. Or fighting with me. Or loving me. Seems you can always be strong with the people you know will seemingly love you “no matter what.” You don’t always have to be a pleaser, but can actually want to be and expect to be pleased. We didn’t see each other until 3/18/2010. So we didn’t see each other from 12/4/2009 until 3/18/2010 – 99 days; exactly 3 months and 9 days; 14 weeks and 1 day. And then not again until April. He had asked me to travel with him, to meet him in my town, his town. For me, at some point, I was ready to move on. Without him. And I told him. I told him not to call me, not to email me, not to text me – unless he told everyone he was doing it, and did it from his REAL email account. No more sneaking around for me. I was dating some nice guys who wanted to show me off to the world, introduce me to their kids, spend holidays with me (not the day after or the day before). His xW went on vacation in April (the week he asked me to come to his town and spend the week with him – without telling her, of course), and while they had talked about separating, she came home and said she thought it was a good idea, they should separate and divorce. She had already started posting pictures of herself, on Match.com in a skimpy bikini before she came home. He got up from the table to call me to tell me it was over. And there were lots of tears after that; and questioning – am I doing the right thing, what about the kids, the house, the mortgage, the savings account, etc.

      You haven’t had complete no contact if you’re still emailing and leaving the door open. Why would you want the relationship “on-line”? It should be you, only you, in person, or nothing. Anything less puts you right back to where you were before – the OW. Unless that’s where you want to be. And no judgments from me. I could have been happy being the OW for a while. It worked. Wasn’t messy and I was dating. Met some really nice guys.

      Yeah, my BF/xMM and his xW divorced. Did he leave her or did she leave him? I guess she probably did the “walking.” But I honestly think he couldn’t live without me. He and I spent a long weekend with his parents (something I never thought I would do – if you’ve read my blog). And his mother said to me: He believes that you and he are soul mates. And I KNOW that conversation was had either during his exile or when he went to visit them when he was separated. He doesn’t have those kind of conversations with his mother. Not now, not ever.

      You are not going to convince your MM of anything. He needs to convince himself, believe it himself. You are only responsible for your own actions. Has it been hard? A little. But we’ve been honest with our friends. They know how we started. Maybe not the best way and for that I’m sorry. Do I trust him? We’ve had some moments. But I can tell you that every single one of his friends who knew about the affair, all said, without fail, that he’s not a cheater. That they could never imagine it and that they all knew he was unhappy, that they did not like his xW and they all questioned why he married her in the first instance. My BF and I are alike in many ways. But fundamentally, he’s a decent person. He was going to do what he needed to do so that he could look himself in the mirror every day for the rest of his life. If that meant going to marriage therapy, he went. The carribean for his xW’s birthday, he went. Writing her the “apology” letter, he wrote. And yet his love for me was always front and center. So whether she “chucked” him or not, he had already left the marriage he probably shouldn’t have ever entered.

      TV Explorer’s last entry blew my mind. I really thought that his marriage was going to recover. So – it just goes to show, you never know.

      I’m here if you need me, have questions. I seem to be alone on these boards, where my xMM is now my BF. But there is some great support, from great people, who have had similar experiences and stories, and heartbreaks, and triumphs. Come back any time. Ask away. The questions are never ending. The answers, not always so comforting, but better than silence. Any day.

  6. letlovego Says:

    I know that this is an older post…one I was directed to by reading through the comments on another blog. BUT….what you said about the couple who had both been having affairs and basically hated each other and were just waiting for the kids to leave, really resonated with me. Once the husband found out that the wife was busy with someone else, it gave him pause. Not sure why either, but that wasn’t what got my attention. It was when you mentioned something about staying together and why. And I see, as I’ve hurriedly browsed your blog (but will definitely come back and read at a more leisurely pace later!) that you have addressed it in other posts….WHY does a couple TRY to work it out AFTER an affair is discovered? Hmmm. Well, in the case of your BF’s friends, that is a great question, since they apparently have had a non-functioning marriage for quite some time. But in the case of “other” stories I’ve read, I’ve often wondered the same thing.

    I mean, the reasons can be obvious….especially in the case of a man being the cheater on his wife. He feels bad. She is devastated. He doesn’t want to walk out on/not see/ lose his kids. All obvious reasons. It seems that during the discovery of an affair, when reality hits, the man immediately wants the comforts of his home and everything in it. It isn’t a new theory to not realize how much you love someone, until you lose (or almost) them. But I often wonder how many men WANT to stay, versus how many men feel that they HAVE to stay.

    While OW’s are often described as home wreckers, sluts, whores and the list goes on….a man who has an affair and falls in love with another woman, regardless of the state of the marriage…..is harshly judged by society….IF he leaves his wife. Even if he pays child support, alimony and sees his kids frequently. He is judged. In my own personal opinion, I think that THIS is why many men, immediately decide that they want their wife back. Yes, there is love and history there. But sometimes, after so many years together, people change. And maybe the wife has even changed, but is simply “comfortable” with her changes? I don’t know. But I do believe that much of what makes the man “turn on a dime” after discovery, is the fear of judgment from society.

    Do I think returning to a marriage for these reasons is a good choice? I don’t know. I mean, I DO think that the couple CAN make it work and I DO think that in some cases, the man is really sorry and truly realizes that he DOES want his wife. But I think that in A LOT of cases, the man simply thinks…..of what he will lose. Of the stress and hardships that a divorce will cause HIM. And so he thinks….he HAS to stay.

    I understand why affairs happen. I understand the fantasy that is mixed with reality. I understand that love IS involved in an affair sometimes. And I understand that an affair can fill voids in someone’s life that may have been there for years. I also understand that an affair can be a wake-up call for BOTH parties to really wake up and take a good hard look at their marriage and what they want. But I do think that there are cases when the affair itself can be a man’s truth. I just do not think that men are as willing to follow their hearts as they are to try and dodge judgement from society.

    Sorry for the windy comment! I’m looking forward to reading more about your story. It is very interesting to be able to see the other side, since….”most” of the time if the man doesn’t leave within the first 6 months, it’s not going to happen. And “most” of the time, he goes back to his wife. And “most” of the time, even if they divorce, he doesn’t end up with his AP. Looks like you beat the odds and I’m interested to see how those play out for you. 🙂

    • Susan Says:

      Letlovego- thank you for your comment. I too, look forward to reading your blog.

      Yes, I beat the odds. And I wasn’t even looking to do that. I was looking to pass the time, move past my marriage, have safe, satisfying sex. I wasn’t looking for all of the strings, ropes, chains. Not until d-day. Yes, I know the one about if he doesn’t leave in 6 months, he’s not going to. I never asked MM/xMM/BF to leave his W for me. Not once. Not ever. I firmly believe that he engineered his d-day, and we’ve discussed this plenty. He couldn’t leave his W, he couldn’t hurt her that way. But he could force her to leave him. He could explode everything so that he came out looking like the “not so bad” guy when she asked for the divorce. I was done. With him. With the affair. It had all served its purpose for me. And on December 4, 2009, sitting across my MM at a diner, I told him I was moving on and that in 2010 I was going to be dating and hoping to meet someone special. He asked if we could be friends. And I said no. He asked if I would tell him when that happened. And I said no, but he would eventually know. He told me he was confused, concerned about his children, and all the other material things you mention. And I told him – I’m not asking him to do anything. I’m just telling him what I’m going to do. And then, after 2 1/2 years of a physical affair and 3 years of an emotional one, he was caught. Seems a bit too coincidental, doesn’t it?

      I had an interesting exchange with another blogger (betrayalsurvivor1981) on a blog: whyhaveanaffair.wordpress about the OW as homewrecker. I have been crafting a response for ages now. It will get done eventually. Her position was really well phrased and really gave me pause to think about a lot of things I hadn’t thought about before. She’s A OK in my book. Would love to sit and have a cup of coffee with her. The blog, by the way, is interesting – a MM had an affair and is working on saving his marriage. He blogs and his W blogs too. The entry that caught my eye was the one about hysterical bonding – why does the W have sex with her cheating husband? How can she do it? That haunted me after my d-day, my no-contact. It was interesting reading for me. Of course it stirred the pot and left me angry. But that passed.

      One thing I’ve noticed in my blog reading is that the marriages that withstand the affairs, are usually not long term affairs. They are much shorter in duration. And funny, those MM/MW tend to be serial cheaters.

      I agree that men think about what they stand to lose if they leave. My xMM/BF’s W threatened him with exactly that – no money, no kids, no house, no friends, being alone on holidays, birthdays, ostracized. And guess what? She was 10,000% wrong. He has many friends – who knew and were informed about the affair – and ALL stood by HIM (says a lot about her, don’t you think?), he sees his kids more now, than when he was married; if he doesn’t have his kids for the holidays, he’s with me and if he does have his kids, then we are all together. He has a good job, making decent money, has a great landlord and never has to mow the lawn; almost no debt and a pretty good life. My friends like him and his like me. Our kids get along (sometimes), but mine love him and his love me. So he didn’t lose anything. He gained plenty. His life is richer for having left. Of course, I maintain that he needed to leave regardless of me – but I told him that starting in 2006 — before anything ever happened, emotionally or physically.

      Yes, please continue to read. I look forward to more of your comments. 🙂

  7. angelmoralsAngelmorals Says:

    I just finished reading your blog. I always wondered if or when I truly will understand D-day. Expect in my situation she has found out in the last two years my email and text. Yet, they still sleep in the same bed. I know where I stand and I am fine for now being the OW, however I am thinking of ending this for I do want to have a relationship full time, a normal healthy public relationship. . I just can’t bring myself to end it. Your blog has me thinking if he would truly completely have no contact with me if his wife really put her foot down. I am not sure what would be more painful for me to end the affair or not having communication with him. Either way I will end up losing.

    • RatherBeMe Says:

      Affairs are like that because there is no commitment from either of you. You are both losing, because there can be no winner. You have to want the same thing in order for it to move on. The two of you don’t agree on what you both want out of this.

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