Valentine’s Day Rantings and Ramblings

I hate Valentine’s Day.  What bullshit.  Another Hallmark holiday designed to make every single person feel inadequate.  What they show on the TV is fiction; what you read about in books, is fiction.  The forced joviality, the forced romantic behavior, the flowers, the cards, the candy.  And how horrible you are supposed to feel if you’re not a recipient.

This, however sums it up for me:

“Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time.  There are too many mediocre things in life.  Love should not be one of them.”

Isn’t that what happened in the affair?  Isn’t that we are all looking for?  If there isn’t that passion, then what’s the point?  But it’s not b-movie passion.  It’s the passion of life – of love making, of talking, of sleeping, of fighting and then making up.  A friend of mine once said that sick babies don’t cry and sick relationships are quiet.  She was right.

On February 13 a  friend of mine posted the following on FB  2/13: “I just wanna give a big shout out to all the ladies who can’t call their “boyfriend” after 7. Can’t visit him at work unless they call 2 days in advance. Or don’t even know his home phone number. Today is your day.”  I called him today to chat, and he proceeded to tell me that there is even a restaurant in my neighborhood that specializes in pre- Valentine’s day dinners for the OW/OM with clear instructions not to say anything to the guests should they return the following day, Valentine’s day, wearing their wedding bands, with their spouse. 

In February, I didn’t see my BF/xMM for all 4 weeks – because our work/life/children schedules had collided.  It put a strain on me.  I was angry about it.  The longest time that we went without seeing each other was after no-contact/d-day – from 12/9-3/18.  So I ruminate.  I wish I could flip a switch and turn my stupid brain off.  Right now I’m angry that he lives far away; I’m angry that he has an inconvenient visitation schedule; I’m angry that he’s traveling for work.  I’m just about ready to explode.  So I did.  My back went out.  It was bound to happen.  My chiropracter has a very hollistic approach to health & wellness and she looked at me yesterday and said, “that was the straw that broke your back.”  There is only so much you can continue to carry around.  I sat in her office and cried.  I’m feeling sorry for myself and can’t shake it.

The worst part about being in a relationship, is that you tend to take out your ugliest feelings on the people closest to you.  Damn, I’ve been a bitch, a bear, a misery.  I can’t get out of my own way.  I’ve always been an optimist but for the first time in my life, I’m seeing the glass as half empty, and rapidly emptying. 

March has been a bit better, but not by much.  I laid into BF/xMM a couple of weeks ago (again) when I told him that when I see him all he does is complain he’s tired.  (Not too tired for sex, but for everything else.)  I told him that he manages to travel and entertain for work and stay out late, but when he’s with me, we cook or order in and go to the movies.  I’ve seen more movies in the past 6 months than in the past 40+ years!  I lost my shit and told him that he treats me like . . . drumroll please . . . like his wife (or worse – like his ex-wife.)  That was a slap in the face.  (2P and RBM – can you think of anything more insulting? or numbing?)  Isn’t that a slap across the face?  It was fairly ferocious on my part.  I haven’t made plans to go out with friends, buy tickets for anything because I don’t want to hear him complain.  It infuriates me!  And worse.  Makes me want to . . .   You know the rest.

Be careful what you wish for.  You just might get it.

Just needed to vent.  Reach out.  Pour a drink and do some reading.  I have a long evening ahead of me.

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19 Responses to “Valentine’s Day Rantings and Ramblings”

  1. RatherBeMe Says:

    Am I the only man in the world who thinks of Valentine’s Day as a nice time to show that you love someone, make it special and a day to remember?

    If I am, I am the winner.
    Give me my prize.
    I choose the Movie Tickets. 🙂

  2. Susan Says:

    RBM – don’t get me wrong – I don’t mind the movies. It’s just that we have drifted into a pattern similar to the one he was in when he was married. He and I would go out to dinner, entertain and he would stay in with his wife, rent a movie, text me all night, then go to sleep. Do you think he’s texting someone else? (Ha, wont that give my brain something to ruminate about today.)

    As for Valentine’s day – being the OW – that day was never celebrated together on 2/14. Ever. And being in a bad marriage, I didn’t want to celebrate it with my ex-H. Besides, I don’t need one day out of 365 to tell my partner or be told by my partner how much i love him/how much he loves me. BUT – don’t get me wrong – NOT being with BF/xMM brings up those feelings of being the OW, not the one chosen, the person he can live without. Stupid brain of mine. Never quiet. Not even for a minute. And he was travleing that day. I didn’t think that he had to, but he did. So – I wasn’t a priority. Grrrr.

  3. RatherBeMe Says:

    Of course I think every dinner should be romantic. You should enjoy each other to the fullest. Life as well as dinner, should be a joyful experience.
    I’m sorry you have gotten stuck with the alternative reverse universe.
    It will get better. I know.

  4. Island Girl Says:

    Susan: you are the only person I have seen who “got the guy” in the end…..it sounds as if this wasn’t exactly what you had hoped for…….Your story is informative. I had so wished I had gotten my OM in the end…..I’m not sure he and I could have with-stood all the stressors you have…….
    IG

    • Susan Says:

      IG – Sorry for the super late response. I started a new job (yippee!!!) and things have been insane in my house.

      There is something about the old adage: the grass is always greener on the other side.

      When I started my blog, shortly after d-day, I was pretty sure that I did not want my MM, that I was the one ending the relationship which was why things totally exploded from his end. In fact, I had numerous conversations with AO1 about this very subject. While I “cared for” and loved my MM, I wasn’t sure that he was the one. Why? He was never going to leave his W, he has a shit load of baggage and I didn’t want him to leave her. Unlike a lot of the bloggers, I knew it was an affair. It freed me from responsibiity. And besides, it wasn’t my affair – I was getting divorced. 😉 I didn’t think of it as different. While I was connected with my MM, I didn’t owe him anything. The thing that confused me the most, was that I found myself unavailable – both emotionally and physically to other men, comparing them to MM, and wanting them to be like him. Don’t get me wrong – I figured that out through experimentation. 🙂

      The stressors in our relationship over the past 2 years since we have been dating publically don’t seem any worse than anyone else’s relationships that didn’t start off as an affair. Work, money, ex-wives/girlfriends, etc. I guess for me, there are things that I can’t let go of – but part of that is just me. I had a boyfriend in college that gave lots of reasons to feel insecure. So I did. I had a boyfriend in graduate school that gave me no reason to feel insecure, yet I did. My ex-husband – well – the most telling part of our relationship is that I didn’t give a shit what he did or who he did it with. Hmmmm. I guess that’s because I didn’t really care now, did i?

      I would certainly love to hear your story. What happened with you and your MM? Are you still together? The blogs are a great place to come to for comfort, friendship, solace. We are all the same. No matter where we start off.

      (((hugs)))

  5. Island Girl Says:

    Hi Susan:
    I am now six months post D Day, or so I think. Actually, I now believe I was involved with a serial adulterer. It began with an eMail friendship that migrated to an emotional affair and yes, we proceeded onto the physical affair. It lasted altogether 16+ months, and last November, I received a phone call, followed by a voice mail 4 days later, then a quick volley of eMails, lastly a text attempting to meet about 3 weeks from D Day. I couldn’t meet him on that day, and he and his wife travelled for the holidays. I thought he might re-emerge once January hit. While I was trying to survive, I surfed the net looking for how to recover from having an affair..I found TV Expl.orer’s site, devoured it, discovered your posts on it, and have read your site as well. I must say you are the first person that I have seen to a) actually get the guy. but you didn’t seem very happy initially. Are you two still together? Sounds like you are.
    I have been in no contact for 6 monthys and really don’t know how he is doing. His wife called my phone 10 days ago–I’m guessing trying to figure out what he was up to, but I am SIX months out, so I infer that he has had yet another affair and she is only now drawing a bead on him. What I have tken away is that he dumped me six ago for another woman, so I now feel betrayed–I know, go figure…..Actually, I am better each day, and look forward one day to a relationship with an available man.

    thanks for listening.
    Island girl

  6. Island Girl Says:

    The phone call in November was “she has found us out”. the phone call 4 days later (a message because I couldn’t get to phone soon enough) was “I love you and miss you and please just stand by”. the eMail volleys were to let me know it was hell in the house, but he wanted to see me when things calmed down (uh, right!). the text was a one shot attempt at seeing me before they left town for the month. He has never called me to say he’s sorry, or it’s over, or he still loves me, or anything. I am just discarded, gone, left behind, and now believing that he is on to another blossom…..
    I am now looking at my husband wondering WTF to do with him. I no longer feel the same way about him either…..affairs are nasty things….
    IG

    • Susan Says:

      You hit the nail on the head. Affairs are pretty nasty. I feel for you. Sounds like your OM could very well be a serial adulterer. That seems more the norm – bouncing around from one woman to the next, although he probably believes that he loves each and every one of them. RBM? 2P? AOW? Anyone want to chime in? The truth is you’re better off without him. The fact that you made it to 6 months of NC is impressive. Rather be me had an app on his phone that told him how long his NC had been. I was envious of that. It was like wishing time would pass quickly so you could heal, yet knowing that every minute apart was shitty and putting more and more distance between you. I always wonder how the one who is caught, can so totally erase the other person, seemingly without a backward glance. The most insight I can give you is this: My xMM/now BF didn’t speak to me after D-Day for almost a month. We spoke once a little less than a week later; got a text message 2 weeks later but then radio silence until I CALLED. I was furious. And they sound similar to your messages – be patient; Blech. Makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.

      My BF/xMM has all of his old chats with his now x-wife on his computer — not purposefully saved, just not deleted — and you can imagine that I have taken the opportunity to read them and re-read them when he’s not been around. (See? No matter what, we have this never ending curiousity and inability to completely understand it all.) What I gathered was this: the no contact was W’s mandate, along with lots of other punishment. MM felt that he deserved to be punished and was contrite and had been exiled from his home, from his kids, from his friends, and would have done/said anything to come back. W had him call his family and friends to tell them about his affair. But – all of the chats end up talking about me — the 800 pound gorilla in the room, all the time. He felt neglected and unhappy in his marriage, but not with OW; he had been silently unhappy for years and incapable of having sex with his W, but not with OW; W didn’t make him happy, but OW did. And W would say: that’s not true; we were happy; it’s hard to have fun when you’re married and working and a mother; we used to have fun, but not anymore; yeah, the sex thing might bother you, but so what; my not having friends might bother you, but I can’t do everything. Very interesting emails. Funny – he didn’t tell her he was calling me, texting me, emailing after that first phone call ended our NC. He did tell her that I contacted him once or twice. And he did tell her that I was angry about the photos from their trip to the Carribean posted on Facebook. Imagine that?!?! He told HER, his W, that I, the OW, was unhappy. If I was his W, I would have slapped the shit out of him. But she didn’t. Why?

      Yes, we’re still together. Yes, I’m pretty happy. I have my moments, but they do start to recede and are less frequent. When my D-day occurred, I wasn’t sure what I wanted with my MM but had made a decision to move on. What bothered me most was the feeling of no control. D-Day wasn’t my choice; no contact wasn’t my choice. What irked me most was the feeling of complete disempowerment. Am I hitting a chord?

      Anyway, I digress. The issue isn’t about you at the end. YOU were not discarded. YOU are not trash. No one can make you feel any of those horrible things unless you let them. It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. You win. You were honest with yourself and that was a gift.

      As for your H – that’s a whole other ball game. What are you going to do? Counseling? Stay together? Does he know? Suspect? Get divorced? Sometimes affairs are good to help unhappy couples stay together longer than they might otherwise, because there is a distraction. Was that the way with you? Of course it is nice to have someone around to help you get over the hurt from MM; and at a minimum, to be a distraction.

      Always listening. Post away.

      • RatherBeMe Says:

        LOL, and yes I still have the app, and it’s running. 63 weeks, 5 days and 4 hours of No Contact. I know I am coming up on One and a quarter years very shortly. I always looked at it as something of a positive for me. A goal to increase it. It’s just one of those things that runs, and I don’t pay attention to it. Maybe once a week or so.
        I think I did love her and now after all this time, I rethink things from time to time. I am glad it is over. Will I ever be completely over her? I honestly don’t know. I’ll probably die before that happens.
        I think there is always that doubt when you have to commit to another person particularly in the marriage/affair situation. No one wants to make a mistake. It becomes easier to do NOTHING than make a mistake. We think there is no turning back. Probably wrong in most cases.
        I remember getting married. Everyone that I knew tried to talk me out of making that commitment. Even the minister tried, twenty minutes before the wedding. I wouldn’t listen.
        You couldn’t tell me anything then, why would you try now? I haven’t changed that much. LOL By the way, it was a mistake and I can’t go back. ‘-)

  7. Susan Says:

    RBM – Holy cow! Everyone tried to talk me out of getting married to my ex too! The night I went out for my bachelorette evening, a woman at the neighboring table tapped me, told me that, while it was none of her business, she thought I shouldn’t get married. My best friend, the morning of my wedding told me that all I had to do was take one step backwards and she would come and get me and we could leave. No questions. Ha ha ha. And wouldn’t you know that my current BF/exMM was not my first affair. 😉

  8. Island Girl Says:

    Thanks for the encouragement all. I know I shouldn’t feel “discarded” or “trash”, but that is honestly what it felt like to realize there might have been another woman following me. He was so smooth at engaging me, definitely seemed like he had done it before….I really didn’t care, as he was meeting my needs at the time. What I most object to was his insistence that we fall in love before we had sex. I would have been happy with wham! bam! thank you maam! but he had another agenda……We fell in love, and somehow I wanted to be his only woman. He had NEVER said he would leave his wife and was clear that he loved her. But I was hooked; I got to the point where I thought I could outdo his wife and so moved from girlfriend to second wife, and I believe that was the death knell, so he went off in search of another blossom to savor….. I know I am not trash, and am truly worthy of a man’s desire and adulation. Six months and I am feeling better. I have wondered whether I should call him, but feel I am “following the rules”, that is, after D Day, everybody drops back and regroups. If he is waiting for me to call, then it just isn’t going to happen. What he had said about his wife was that she was fragile, and I couldn’t think of her discovering us a third time, if in fact she had ever discovered us at all….Just don’t know at this point.

    As to my husband, ah well, with the “drug” washing out of my system, and the grief beginning to subside (though not entirely), I am able to look at him differently. I married him for his stability, and he is obviously trying to please me in many ways. The intimacy is not back yet, and I am uncertain how that is ever going to go, as I gave my heart and soul to the OM….

    I had thought of leaving my husband many times before this occurred. Not making any sudden moves, and yes, strongly considering counseling. No, husband does not officially know, but has indicated through comments that he was aware of something happening. Per TV explorer, I am not feeling the need to devastate him by disclosure unless absolutely necessary….

    Thanks for listening. This is helpful.
    Island Girl

  9. Island Girl Says:

    RatherBeMe, I have read part of your posts. It seems that affairs are so hard on all of us and we are simply seeking a little comfort, a touch, a look. Yeah, I have friends telling me to be grateful for the “lesson”, for the “fire”, but now that it is over, what am I to do? where is the “fire” going to come from? I am caught between being uncertain that I want to spend the rest of my life–a good 20+ years statistically–with the man I married and do not love in a wifely way, and releasing him and moving on to what could be a lonely existence. Stuck in the thought that “a deal’s a deal”, no matter how unhappy I am with having forged that agreement now.

    Island Girl

    • RatherBeMe Says:

      I am 6-9 months farther out of it than you. I have accepted that it isn’t going to happen, so I think I have figured out what the best I can do, and what it is. I am working it to death, and waiting for something/someone to come along that is better for me. The time I have left is going to be all about me. Sounds kind of harsh and selfish, but then isn’t that what we were doing anyways? If I can make me happy, I know I can make someone else happy too.

  10. Island Girl Says:

    RatherBeMe says: ” If I can make me happy, I know I can make someone else happy too.” and THAT sounds like the beginning of wisdom. I am sure the next step is to work on myself and prepare for the great love who is out there…..

    Island Girl

  11. Rosie Says:

    Awww poor baby… SKANK! That’s what you get for messing with a married man. Married men that cheat are selfish jerks and that’s why they cheat because they are too cowardly to work on their marriage or leave so they try to have their cake and eat it too. What makes you think you are so special? His wife is special even if she’s a total b!tch because guess what Skankzilla, he married her. I talked to a good friend who is thinking about this stupid married man she slept with and I’m thinking about dumping her as a friend cause life is to short to waste time feeling sorry for selfish, greedy little whores who just feel sorry for themselves and want what isn’t theirs to have. He’ll never leave her and if he does he’ll cheat on you and you’ll have it coming. No one will feel sorry for you because you don’t deserve pity. Yeah, maybe your “friends” will be nice to your face but behind your back they’ll gossip, laugh about you and say, “she had it coming. ” Yeah, you and your kind can think of me as a mean backstabbing b!tch but I rather be a backstabbing bitch than a stupid, home wrecking adulterous whore and that’s just what everyone thinks but just might not tell you. Have a nice life Skankasaurous Rex! 🙂

    • Susan Says:

      Rosie – I responded to you on your other post. Hope it helps.

    • Island Girl Says:

      Dearest Rosie: such anger. It isn’t really helpful for you, your friend, or anyone else you unleash your vitriol upon. I can understand why you still harbor anger at your husband for cheating on you. I certainly can’t explain fully why it happened. I never set out to have an affair. Integrity was my favorite character trait….or so I thought.

      I agree with Susan, that as a true friend, you should love and support your friend in whatever trial she is undergoing. You don’t have to approve of all her activities to still be there for her, and as you might imagine, she is going to need someone when the whole thing crashes. And it will….

      Island Girl

    • Recovering Wayward Says:

      Rosie has some real issues

  12. sonisagra Says:

    I been on both ends of the stick. I see a lot of the betrayed bitchin’ because the OW mourn for a short period & then go on about their lives as if they got away scot free. It’s not that they got away scot free, it’s that they aren’t going to sit around & mourn forever. They aren’t married to him so evenutally they wil get over it, eventually they will see the lair for what he is & they move on. Sorry I’m late to reading this post. I went & looked up Chump Lady. She’s not so bad. I like what she had to say. She’s a realist. I see these other blogs & forums where these betrayed spouses have had 2, 3, 4 or more DDays & have chosen to stay & I just shake my head, like WTF are you doing? Are you mental? My sister’s husband cheated on her several times & after the 2nd time of forgiveness it was hard for any of us to support her. How do you respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves? And who am I to judge right? Well it has happened to me, that is why I judge. I’m a “3 strikes your out” kind of person. My ex cheated on me twice that I knew of & when I suspected a 3rd time, I didn’t even stick around to find out for sure, I bolted & it was the best decision of my life. Also, I don’t know why so many women focus on sabotaging the OW when you can use the OW as a great tool. A tool to find out information as well as unlocking the mysteries of what a piece of crap your husband is or can potentially be. I thanked the OW’s in my sitch. They saved me thousands of dollars in what I would’ve spent in private investigator & decoy fees. I eventually was fortunate enough to see the bastard for who he is & got out. Ten years later he is now remarried with a new child. (Not even to any of the OW’s) A totally new clueless female…that poor girl. I am friends with him on Facebook but you could never even pay me money to go back to that. My DDay is definitely a celebration day. A “thank your husband’s mistress” day! After all, I do them a brand new life I never dreamed of.

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