Hello out there . . .

Where the hell is everyone?!?!?!?!  It’s awfully quiet out there in cyber-space.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing???

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23 Responses to “Hello out there . . .”

  1. Ashley Winters Says:

    I still read, never comment. I am still in limbo with my mm, that kicks his w out about every other week and takes her back after a couple of days. And if anyone ever had a reason to he does. But yet he wants a future with me. I’m getting so sick of it, I guess I don’t even like talking about it much anymore.

  2. aolele Says:

    Hi Susie! I have a theory that people leave the post-affair blogosphere for only two reasons: 1) they are happily starting a fresh affair cycle with the same person or with somebody new; 2) they get so depressed and suicidal that they cannot find a new lover so there is no motivation to blog anymore.

  3. RatherBeMe Says:

    Aolele may be right.
    I have been NC for almost 15 weeks, have turned my attention to making life better, more fun and enjoyable for ME. Golf has turned in to my affair partner, and I am embracing all that I can.
    Now if a new AP came into the picture I would be all open arms to being loved, someone new to be with, someone to share the excitement of life with.
    In the mean-time, I’ll just putter around.

  4. Susan Says:

    I guess you’re right – status quo seems to always reign. And then the blogs go quiet for a bit, until things change. I would have to say that I disagree with Aolele about being suicidal, so I’ll take that as a “tongue in cheek” comment.

    Ashley, I hear your despair at the “same old same old.”

    RBM – doesn’t seem like the golf is keeping you warm at night. Good thing it’s almost summer.

  5. brownieforone Says:

    I believe the reason for the quietness is that you are no longer one of “us” so to speak. You have “won” per se in that your MM is now your BF.
    We are still struggling with all the issues of being involved with a MM.
    Yes you still have issues to deal with as far as personality conflicts and family issues but you are now dealing with them as a couple mentality kinda thing. These are everyday things that others would also be dealing with if we had a BF. But when all your man is is a MM your set of problems are compounded and turn you into feeling subconsicously (am I being selfish) ?? For wanting him to call, to come visit, when is he going to text? Your relationship now does not have the hiding and the cover ups that we are dealing with on a daily basis.
    Please do not take this the wrong way. I am happy for you that your MM is now single. It gives us thoughts of well if one left maybe mine might?? I wish you all the happiness in the world and getting over those hurdles that are a whole new set of problems.
    I send good vibes to all out there that we get what we truely want in the end.
    I pray that someday I have the courage that if things do not work out for me and MM to be together that I find the strenght to finally go NC for good!!! Once and for all. That is what I will need to get back to work on myself before I can give my heart to a new man the way he should have it….clear and free of any MM leftovers.
    Hugs and super-hugs to all out there riding the same rollarcoaster as me but in a different seat.

  6. Susan Says:

    Brownie – I never thought of it as an “us” and “them” dichotomy, but I do see your point. The funny thing is that it’s not just been the comments on my blog, but the entire blogging community that I follow has been quiet. I know that the issues are different, but some are certainly the same. And I would hope that sometimes, what I can share, is that the grass isn’t always greener . . .

  7. brownieforone Says:

    Oh yes for sure Susan, I for one can honestly say your blog has surely opened my eyes up to that fact!!! Sometimes the territory comes with patches of weeds LOL!!!!!
    Thank you for your sharing.

  8. His Ex Says:

    Well I just found this site and I need support. I am in such pain and such heartache. I hate myself for this. Today was the day I tried and hopefully ended the last straggling reeds of our dying relationship. He is so hoping to be a good husband, blah blah blah. But he has never been able to fully let go of me and any tiny bit of communication from him has always felt like hope for me. HOPE. As if!

  9. His Ex Says:

    Oh sorry, please excuse my last comment – this is definitely not the blog for me. Yikes. Happily ever after? That will never happen for me and my MM.

    • Susan Says:

      His Ex – Dont’ apologize – and “Happily ever after” was a bit tongue in cheek. 🙂 There is a lot of pain: past, present and future and we all struggle with what we’ve done, what our MM/MW have done and where we want to be. The relationships with MM/MW have to die. They either morph into something else or disappear. There was an OW who commented on my blog who had been with her MM for over 20 years!! I could actually have imagined myself that way – being the OW to my MM. You should read. You should comment. You should ask as many questions as you need to. There are a lot of good people on these blogs and a lot of people in pain. It is a good place to come to heal and to not be judged. I would certainly like to hear your story. There are many who read and comment and have blogs too. We’re all here for you. Come back, read, comment. There are lots of cyber shoulders or you out there.

  10. Morgan Says:

    I was thinking the same thing!! I think a lot of people are using different forums to talk about the issues in affairs instead of blogging….and some of the sites out there aren’t very friendly to the betrayers!! Some have just moved on…it gets old talking about the same thing…a very dead thing–so, it goes quiet.
    I think of many bloggers quite often and wonder how everyone is doing though.

  11. Michael Says:

    I’m sure there are plenty more out there, its just the group of us that have found each other have moved on, tried to stop, gave up.
    I tried to give it up. I’ve tried to forget about it.

    Morgan, I’m glad your still out here, I’m glad your still talking to many of us BS, reading what we write. Commenting. It means a lot to me.

    • Susan Says:

      Michael – Whenever I hear from you or read your blog, your pain is palpable to me. I wish there was something someone could do to help you. I am sorry.

  12. Susan Says:

    Morgan – You’re right. The other sites aren’t friendly at all to the betrayers. I always find that interesting. They are in fact, quite hostile. It is interesting to me that the BS on those boards, never take any responsibility for their own actions. My xMM/BF’s exW has plenty to say about his “bad character” and how he destroyed what was otherwise a great relationship. How could she say that? How could she not see and willfullly ignore all the symptoms for all of those years? It is incredible to me. And it continues.

    I guess you’re right though. After some time, the sense of urgency dies down. Although I can honestly say, that regardless of where I am today, I can re-read what I wrote a year and a half ago, and feel the pain anew and fresh as if it all only happened yesterday. I wonder when that will go away or will it.

    • Morgan Says:

      I’ve been reading a lot on other forums…even posted a few things and ruffled some betrayed spouses feathers because of it. I had an affair, but I’m no expert on the subject–and I think that so many betrayed spouses think they know it all and many even try to say that the affair had nothing to do with them–which is kind of crazy to think about—yes, the betrayer made a choice, but if the marriage were completely satisfying, there’d be no reason to step out of it.

      The betrayers end up using the private messaging to chat since they come to the site tarnished, ashamed and wanting someone to listen and get blasted by the hostile spouses. Some of them have been on those sites for months or years…posting 4,000 comments—and they pour out hate to newcomers and have no balance on their responses to those who have committed adultery–going so far as treating someone who cheated as if they were their spouses affair partner.

      I haven’t reread my blog in a long time….but, when I sit down to write something, I can feel the pain like it was yesterday too. Not sure if that will ever go away.

  13. C. Says:

    Thank God for the internet. How else would I be reassured that I’m not the only one suffering from being the OW? So many of us out there — aside from the reassurance it makes me sad to know we are such a large population. Despite sites like this, there’s still much more support for the hurt partners (I’m not demeaning their hurt) but it’s vitally important to note that us “others” and often the unfaithful partner have their own pain. I really don’t see any positives to this situation, just a lot of suffering.

    Much peace and love to my fellow sufferers.

    C.

  14. Susan Says:

    C – Welcome to my blog and I’m sorry to see you here. There is plenty of suffering as the OW. I would certainly love to hear your story. I don’t check in as often as I should and have several posts in the “saved draft” folder that I’m working on, but there is a lot of support and advice and warmth that can be found on these blogs. While I am in a different place, I’m never too far from the status of the OW. You would be surprised to find that there is a lot of support for us. If you read my blog, my MM left his wife (or she left him) and we are now officially a “couple”, out in the open. We were at one of his friend’s home a few weeks ago and the wife said to him that when she found out that he was having an affair, she thought, good for him and that she and all of their friends didn’t like and never liked his wife. He was floored. And a bit angry that no one ever said anything to him. They reasoned that he made his choice, they would support him and then simply stopped seeing him and her. The wife/friend then went on to say, that MM would never have an affair – what he did was fall in love for the first time, properly. Food for thought.

  15. C. Says:

    Susan, thank you for the warm welcome. It’s hard to be in pain on top of feeling like the outcast. Briefly, I’m 51 and single and met my MM online. He was upfront about being married and I initially fought it but he pursued relentlessly. He knows every weakness and just which buttons to push. Our affair lasted about 5 months and I think it’s now over as the wife has found out, smashed his laptop and cell phone and now gave him a black eye. A couple months ago I started dating a great guy in an effort to go on with my own “real” life and he inadvertently found out about the affair a while back as well although he has been pretty supportive of me b/c it’s something that started before him that he walked in on and he sees my pain and knows I’ve tried to end it. The MM and I haven’t had much communication this past week and I know it’s all for the best as it’s a no-win situation with just more heartache for all of us. Nonetheless, it’s incredibly painful — ending the “fantasy” of who we were together. I knew he would never leave and always tried to accept it and just compartmentalize my feelings. Just doesn’t work.

    Statistics say that MMs don’t leave, and even if they do the relationship w/you usually doesn’t work. I believe those statistics b/c as you say there’s a lot of water under the bridge, reality sets in, and kids/family, etc. often doesn’t accept the OW. I’m not sure I’d even like him if I had a chance to get to know him in the real world. As for your situation, I certainly wish you the best, but I have to throw out there that despite the “love” you MM didn’t make the choice to leave – the choice was made for him and you were an easy “go to” person. I don’t mean to throw ice water on your perception of the situation but those things jumped out at me. Despite that, I certainly hope things work out for you as you’ve spent so much time and energy on this venture.

    Thanks again for your support and I send my best thoughts to you in your situation.
    C.

  16. Susan Says:

    C – There is a tremendous discrepancy between the reality of the MM and fantasy of him. I agree. I’m glad that you’re trying to move on with a real person. You certainly deserve that. I feel sorry for your MM, though. Why would he want to stay with someone like his w, who not only was violent to his computer, but also to him. (Or so he says.)

    My biggest issue with the MM is always that if he were unhappy, then he should leave. When he doesn’t do that, the OW should have her eyes wide open.

    Yes, I know what you’re saying about the fact that it wasn’t his choice. And believe me, that conversation is something that he and I have had more than once. But I do know him – very well. Before anything happened between us, and during the affair, I told him that he needed to leave his W. H just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t in his makeup. He had no support, no guidance and no network of people that would have loved him, supported him and helped him through a divorce. I think that for him, the process only became something that he could have imagine, because of how he felt about me. Would I have wanted him to tell his w that he was leaving her for me? Ultimately, he did. He told her in therapy, in counseling, in every way that he could other than affirmatively doing it. And then – he told her that he wanted to separate. She went away on vacation with her mother after that; signed up for Match.com, came home and told him that she wanted a divorce. So she said the “d” word first. And a year later, he’s a completely different person. He had a lot of demons and ghosts that have nothing to do with the affair or his marriage, that he’s making peace with. It has been very good for him. And at the end of the day, we all could use a little luck. 😉

    Keep me posted!

  17. isa Says:

    hey

  18. isa Says:

    Hi,i dont know where to start!im in a relationship with the father of my child for 12 yrs,beginning of this year i met my mm at work.we fell madly in love,but in 7mths his wife found out and he broke it off!but just after a week we met at work at made love!but he was more distant,said he loved me still,but he couldnt talk or text as much!he said he can never leave his wife cuz he has two small kids!i want to see him more,i want him to text more,i want him to call more!!its not enough for me!!i think im so emotionally attached to him..i dont know??everything that happens in my life i feel i need to tell him!i dont wanna leave my b.f..but if this mm said he wants me in his life..i would!i have moved frm the workplace..i texted him and said i dont want contact..and its been two days!two crazy days!i miss him so much it hurts!!i miss his voice!!what should i do?how do i get over this?i have a 3yr old daughter who is the only reason i get thru the day..but thoughts of him creep in and it depresses me!!

  19. Susan Says:

    Isa – Welcome to the hell of being the OW. And of course, I’m glad you found my blog. There are some wonderful bloggers out there who have been/are where you are now. If I had the answer as to how to get over a broken love affair, I would be a millionaire! From what you say, your MM told you, wiithout a shadow of doubt, that he’s not going to leave his wife. Period. End of story. The kids are a great excuse. I’m sure if you scratch the surface there are more excuses – money, family, friends, etc. But no matter how much it hurts, the best way to get past the pain is NO CONTACT. It is impossible at first but the old saying that “time heals all wounds” is true. The more time and distance you can put between you and your mm, the better off you will be. Everyone who has ended an affair, or been on the receiving end of the ender believe that the time and distance is all you have. The issue for most of us is the “why would he pick her and not me” one. How could MM have said the things he said to me and then not want to be with me? Why wouldn’t he pick me? How could he stay with her? The biggest pain I remember is thinking that all of the things he said to me were lies. I remember thinking that I was losing my best friend – the person I wanted to speak to first thing in the morning and last one at night. When my xMM’s W found out about our affair, he had the nerve to ask me to lie to his W if she should call me to ask for details about our relationship. Are you kidding??? Here was his ticket out and he was so scared that he was trying to “in” himself. Hahahahahah. Life right now sucks for you. I get it. You have a beautiful baby who makes your life better. I get that part too. I have 2 kids and a dog. If it weren’t for my dog, there were days I would not have gotten out of bed.

    You are welcome here. Write as often as you want. I’m here. There are other great blogs to read too (lots of them have posted comments on mine). The best I can ffer is being an ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. I’m sorry that you find yourself here.
    (((hugs)))

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