Live from New York . . . it’s Saturday Night

My life revolves around music.  It swirls around in my head all the time.  I’ve started listening to my ipod when I walk the dog and it makes those miserable evening walks enjoyable as I bop down the street.  Most people relate music to events and other people in their lives.  I wrote earlier that I know the impact my musical taste has had on my MM – he can’t listen to certain artists without thinking of me.  And I know it.  And I love knowing that.  I love knowing that when I listen to them, I have a million other thoughts swirling around in my head or I just simply feel good when I listen. 

Tonight I’m singing:
Another Saturday night and I aint got nobody. 

Why?  Why do I still have not have a man in my life that I can tolerate for more than a single evening?  The answer is pretty obvious.  Because as much as I think that I’m over my MM, or am trying to be over my MM or wish it to be, wishing doesn’t make it so.  I’m emotionally unavailable.  Not to mention, the only other men in my life right now are married too.  Hellooooooo out there . . . . . .  is there anyone single, kind and sane out there???  Will you call me???  Will you answer my call????

So, I’ve been fantasizing about what life would be like with my MM.  He’s asked me to rent an apartment with him.  What is he thinking??  He’s getting into bed every night with his wife.  Not me.  He’s still not:  talking to me, calling me, seeing me, friending me.  Do I have a sign on my forehead that says: “Idiot”?  Yeah, I think I do.  And worse than that, and more embarrassing is that I have thought about it.  I have thought about spending weekends together, seeing each other during the week, when possible; living together during he summer when my kids are away for 7 weeks at camp; planning vacations together, meeting his friends, introducing him to mine.  I’m pathetic.

I’ve also fantasized about blocking him – his phone number, his email and anything else I can think of.  But the glimmer of hope that I have that he will pick me would be forever extinguished.  Tonight, I’m angriest at myself for that faint glimmer of hope.  He’s never going to pick me.  And why does he get to pick?  Fuck him.  Yeah, MM, fuck you!  I’m the best thing that ever happened to you and you didn’t choose me.  So – maybe I’m not the best thing that ever happened to you; maybe I’m the worst.  Maybe I woke up a sleeping dragon or poked a hornet’s nest – and in the end, I’m the one who’s going to get burned or stung.  What do I do now?

Do I wait for him?  Do I move on?  Will he leave?  Will he stay?  I’m sad.  I’m lonely.  I miss him.  I miss what we had.  I miss what I fantasized about when I was with him.  I miss the way I felt when I was with him.  I miss my friend.  I miss my lover.  I have this big, gaping hole in my life and I don’t know how to fill it.  I don’t know what to fill it with.  The thing that a hearken back to is that I was ready to move on when the shit hit the fan and we were outed.  Why is it so hard to move on now?  What is that all about???  Why can’t I do it now?

I think that I’ve spent more time focusing on him than on me.  What does he want, what is he going to do when I should be thinking about what I want, what am I going to do.  What do I want?  Where do I want to be?  Who do I want to be with?

I’ve got a million questions, again, and no answers.  Does anyone have any answers?  Can anyone hear me?  When does the pain stop?  When does the longing stop?  When will I be strong enough to extinguish the flickering flame.  It’s drowning in it’s own wax.  As am I.

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16 Responses to “Live from New York . . . it’s Saturday Night”

  1. melinda Says:

    Dear Susan
    Is there anyone out here? Yes of course: All of us OW’s are out here with you!
    Answers? Yes but we don’t want to listen. We are not going at listening.
    Here is one answer: We need to never, ever get naked with a married person again!

    It is suicide. They talk about career suicide?
    Well, we commit love suicide every time we allow ourselves to get involved with a MM. What is so surprising about the havoc that follows?

    Sorry to be so blunt but when I have to talk tough with my inner screaming child, that is exactly what I tell her! ALl the havoc and pain is quite predictable really. The stove was hot and I scorched my hand on it anyhow (deliberately!)

    So the real question is: Why did I have the usual: “that stove is very hot so don’t touch it!” mechanism in me?

    And now that I am single again and out of my affair for a year, can I trust myself to not repeat this disaster? It takes a lot of work to move forward and beyond this ‘love suicide” thing I have going with myself. Therapy, support, inner work, etc etc

    No easy thing this type of post affair period but it does get better!
    I am having really amazing career successes and some minor successes with new men. SIngle ones! It is just all more even keeled and less dramatic.

    Wow, even I am impressed with my new self! But I will always have this dark side of myself too to deal with: the side that doesn’t give a crap who gets hurt including myself as long as I can see my MM. Because that is how strong my feelings for him always felt. I didn’t give a -hit what happened; I had to see him!

    That is like my ‘hidden side’ but ‘she’ doesn’t come out so often anymore; a new saner person is emerging slowly. The former reaks all kind of havoc; the latter leads a pretty average, even ‘boring’ (!) life.

    It’s like I am Dr. Jekyyll and Mr. Hide at times, I swear. We all have a shadow self, no?

  2. melinda Says:

    sorry i made a typo (or a freudian slip):
    I meant to say:
    Why DIDN’T I have the usual: “that stove is very hot, so don’t touch it!” mechanism in me?

    • Susan Says:

      Melinda – Thanks! How long until the saner person emerges? Where is she in me??? Why can’t I tap into her? Have you let go of your MM? Do you miss him? Think about the “what ifs?” That’s what kills me. What if . . I give up and he wants to be with me? What if I stick around and he doesn’t want to be with me? What if I miss being with someone else? What if we end up together and, OMG, I’m not happy??? What if . . . The uncertainty makes me queasy. I hurt all the time lately, thinking about moving on; thinking about staying.

      I know you’re right about staying dressed around married men. 😉 Why is it that there are so many of them out there pursuing single women or simply women that aren’t their wives. I can’t believe how they feel entitled to screw around. Between the ones that tell me they’re unhappy, to the ones that tell me they are happy, but want to fuck me anyway. Where do they get the nerve??? Makes me skeptical about any sort of future.

      And if truth be told, my xMM wasn’t my first MM. I had a couple of affairs when I was married – a big tip off that my marriage wasn’t right. I don’t understand why I could end my marriage with no one and my MM can’t pull the trigger when I’m here for him. A couple of glasses of wine, therapy and good friends will hopefully pull me out of this funk . . . again.

      So – do you know any SINGLE guys for me? My only 2 requirements these days: single & pulse. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. 🙂

  3. anotherother1 Says:

    Susan!!!! I have been reading old post on your blog and others. Something just came into my mind. Remember (and of course you do!!) the email your MM sent you? The “however” email. Have you ever asked him about that? How does he explain it?

    I am just trying to figure out what has happened here. To BOTH of us!!! Why are we back in the game? Why am I falling more in love with B again instead of getting better? You, too! You were so strong and positive. What has happened here?? Are we THAT crazy???

  4. Susan Says:

    AO – I too, re-read old posts. As a matter of fact, I asked him about the “However comma” email. It was propably one of the first things that I asked him when we spoke back in January (when I called him after the final humiliation that he unfriended and blocked me on facebook.) He asked me if I thought that he had written it or whether someone else had, and whether it had been written for someone else’s eyes & purposes. I told him that I didn’t really give much of a shit.

    He also told me, at that time, that he was doing what he was told to do or else he would lose his children — as he had been told he would, following the discovery of his affair. That his w had bought some books, they had some sort of plan in them they were supposed to follow to what? Save his marriage? Help him end it?? Lastly, he told me that if I ever contacted him, he was to tell me not to. I grilled him on that – and he told me that those were the words he was supposed to say. (Ever obedient to everyone (and remember that “everyone” doesn’t include me), isn’t he?)

    So – flash forward to yesterday. MM told me that his wife had been posting to a marriage board and that he found her posts and that she had written some mean things about him there. (Duh, I would have written mean things about him too). He confronted her, she admitted to writing them, and then said she didn’t mean him. (Par for her course – to say something and then back off when confronted.) He told me how he found the posts so . . . I googled the information and FOUND THE POSTS!!!!

    And this is what I found on a board, (which after thorough pursual answered the question in the affirmative that the purpose of the books & plan was to save his marriage):

    “I want to do what is right for our family. Of course, mostly for our children. but I’m so disgusted with him. I dread coming home from work and having to talk to him. I dread sleeping in the same bed. I dread MC because I just want to tell him that I hate him and I want him gone. I can’t divorce him because of $. Neither one of us could afford the house. It’s underwater and we have tons of credit card debt. We’d have to foreclose and the banks are getting pretty vicious about perusing foreclosures. I don’t know what to do. I want to forgive and grow stronger but each day that passes I just hate him more and more.

    the affair ended the exact opposite of how they should end. He continued contact until it just petered out meanwhile tormenting me the entire time. He’d lie and then I’d find out and blow up. He’s discontinued contact but now all he does is complain about how I don’t make him happy and I just want to shove my foot down his throat. All the little things that bothered me about him are magnified 100x. I don’t know if I’m just going through a phase or if I really hate him. I just can’t imagine living the rest of my life with this self absorbed jack-a**.

    I don’t know if I should continue to try or if I should just cut my losses. My poor kids. I love them so much. they will be so destroyed”

    Here were the statistics she posted too:
    “Me: BS xxyr
    Him: WH xxyr
    OW: coworker (he is no longer working with her)
    PA: 3 yers
    D-Day: 12-07-09
    No Contact: on and off mostly none now but she still calls him at work on occasion
    MC: 3 months
    no plan A
    no plan B”

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    And then, AnotherOther, the following 2 posts:

    “Has there been a No Contact letter written by H-approved by you and mailed to OW?”

    And she responded:
    “There was a NC letter which we wrote and he sent but OW ignored. I’m sure he later contacted her and told her that I made him write it. In fact it seems that ANY excuse – including a letter telling her not to contact him – is an excuse to call and yell at him. He feeds off the drama.”

    So – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Most of the comments on my blog about that letter were confirmed in this series of posts.

    Does it explain why I am and you are “back in the game?” Nah, but it sure as shit feels good to see it in black and white. To know what I speculated about is true.

    As for the crazy part of your question – was that rhetorical?

    • anotherother1 Says:

      Susan…WOW! I just went on the site. I found it, too! What a bunch of militant BS! They think that’s the way to save a marriage??? It’s more like “How to stuff your husband’s ball into your purse and keep them there!”

      UGH…the forced signing of the No Contact Letter? That is pathetic. Yes, your MM’s marriage is OVER. She is downright hostile!

  5. ruby Says:

    Susan – I haven’t commented on your blog recently, but feel compelled to do so today. I know that you are struggling. Maybe you ought to think about the fact that he is exactly how his wife described – a self-absorbed jackass. I know the tendency is to dislike the wife and think she has no clue about anything. But I have a strong suspicion that she is spot on with this description!

    Sending you strength!

  6. Susan Says:

    Thanks Ruby! I hear you. You’re right. I know what I have to do. It’s just more difficult than I thought it would be. I love the strength and appreciate you sending it my way. I certainly need it!

  7. melinda Says:

    Susan I send strength and good thoughts too! The saner person has already emerged in you too. She comes out sometimes, I have seen her already!
    Don’t worry as she is there!

    IT TAKES TIME IS ALL.

    Yes my MM and I have zero contact for one year. He is NEXT DOOR on weekends at his business on Friday nites and all day Sunday. It has been that way for the entire thirteen years that I have known him. (In the beginning of our affair he was here one half the week). I was his “other ” woman and “other house: and “other” life, in the truest sense. He was born in Sicily if that means anything. Also there was a lot of cheating going on around here in my neighborhood, if I think back on it. My whole street was like a married/cheating soap opera so I think I fell into this way of life out of the misery of my divorce AND following very bad examples around me.
    Realization Number One:Stupid me!

    Realization Number Two: Double Stupid Me!
    My affair also led me to some dangerously heavy drinking.
    Whether it is food or alcohol I have always suffered from one kind of addiction or another. This fact will always be with me and something I must deal with and recover from. Am I in the 12 step rooms? Hell yes. The affair pushed me right over the edge into the drinking abyss. I am nine years without one drink at this point. 🙂 The food (sugar) addiction I still lapse into at times but am also working on.

    Last weekend I put up a FENCE and lots of new bushes to make a visual and emotional barrier for myself as he (the ex MM) is often outdoors in the nice weather.

    The last words I told him on his birthday were “I love you”. I somehow knew those might be my last words. DO I cry as I write this? Yes of course. But not all day anymore. And never every day anymore.

    Stopping contact will never mean stopping feelings. There is a difference! It just means taking care of myself in an unbearable situation. I can’t hear his rejection anymore. I can’t hear “we need to wait and see” anymore. I can’t hear, “I am so exhausted and busy; can’t you cut m some slack?” anymore. I can’t hear, “you knew the situation from the beginning” anymore. I can’t hear, “there are others involved besides you” anymore.

    I needed that conversation TO STOP! I had to kill that conversation as it was killing me!

    When you have been involved with an MM for as long (off and on) as I was you have seen it all, done it all I swear. The drunken insanity fights? Yes, those were the “early years”. (Before I entered the ‘rooms’).
    The break ups? Hell yes. Over and over. The love? The passion? The soulmate feelings? Hell yes. Making love in a million corners of my house? Yes, yes and on and on……..Oh God I have never loved anyone like that! It sucks to be apart and alone from him. It really does!

    The longest time we were apart was two and a half years during which time I left the ex MM completely and had a “legitimate” relationship with a real single person! (Yes my MM knew all about it). How could he not? Like I said, he is kind of in my face on weekends.

    Did I cheat on my BF? No, never. And I neither did I ever speak with the MM all that time (2 1/2 years) either. I can be faithful! I surprised even myself as my self esteem from this affair has been shot to hell repeatedly, believe me.

    If the boyfriend had wanted to marry me, I would have gone that way. But at the two year mark (the magic number I guess for us single women) the relationship had run its course. He was not interested in marriage. We ended it. Did I compare the experience with the BF to my ex MM? Well yes and no. It was different. But I did truly love him for a spell as well. It is just very different to be in a real relationship than to be in an affair. The two experiences are like comparing apples with oranges.
    After that break up, I was also devastated! I am no strong woman. I collapse totally with these things.

    I enrolled in graduate school. Good for me! Seven months later I was back with the MM who took me back gladly! (REALIZATION NUMBER THREE: BAD, BAD MOVE!)

    After all the other “others” he had found, the other “others” had not worked out either. So away we went again into oblivion for awhile til the shit hit the fan again………

    I do not think my ex MM will ever divorce. Only if his wife catches him and throws him out. But even if she catches him I doubt she would throw him out. For all I know, she cheats too. That is just the way it is! It might just be a cultural thing for all I know.

    Is he happy? No. Is she? I don’t know. Am I? I am trying my best to accept this is a situation I have absolutely no control over.

    I am now sober many years from alcohol abuse and I have learned how to do this in twelve step rooms. I guess I can thank my exMM for inadvertantly helping me to find my sobriety and the twelve steps! My ex MM knew about my drinking and recovery. I was open about that. But he never saw the bad drinking really as I did that alone and at HOME! SO he never really thought I had a serious problem. Oh the irony.

    Tow of the several keys to giving up any drug or drink or anything are:
    FIND SUPPORT and
    ONE DAY AT A TIME!

    The acceptance comes and goes. The desire for a drink or even for my MM is never over for ever and ever. It just does not work that way. I have to tolerate and talk about “urges”. This is normal.
    It is what I do about them that counts, not the fact that “I wish it were otherwise”….

    I try to move forward despite my feelings of despair over the loss of my ex MM.
    There is no other way for me except backwards and for me backwards is a very dangerous direction….just ask my kids! (Now 22 and 19 they too know about my drinking and the consequences…….) I must try to move forward for them too.
    As an aside:
    (The affair is something I was NOT open about with my kids however)
    Only one very close friend in my real life knows about my affair…she too, was an OW to a next door neighbor for years)

    More another time…

    Stay strong Susan if that is what you desire! Your MM isn’t going anywhere IMHO!

  8. Susan Says:

    Melinda – That was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your strength. You are an extraordinary woman – strong, smart, brilliant, generous and kind. Someone I could stand to model myself after. I hope that I can find even a spec of the strength that you have shared.

    You’re right, too in that I don’t think that my MM is going anywhere either. I’ve been finding entries that his w has made on this marraige website; he’s still going to marriage counseling and is surprisingly (not) the only person in the world who doesn’t look at marriage counseling as a means to working on his marriage, but rather finds it enlightening as to his own therapy. (Horse shit, as my father would say.) And the final nail in the coffin is that our contact is secret and hidden from everyone. Funny how that works.

    Well – On the bright side – I have a date tonight, with a straight, single man who seems very nice. I hope I can screw my head on straight before I go. Baby steps, right? And then eventually I can build my own fence.

  9. melinda Says:

    Susan I am so touched by your generous compliments. Thank you so much! I did not do this or grow alone however. Many others have helped me too. We all help each other!

    I wish I had been able to share my pain with other OW’s earlier even when I was still involved with my ex MM. Oh how much easier that would have been to know I was not alone! I was in torture emotionally speaking. I know you know what I am talking about.

    The rejection. the ejection, and the utter humiliation and shame after an MM doesn’t leave the W for us is a searing pain unlike the pain of other more normal break up situations because we keep thinking we lost to someone else!

    Someone else prettier (?) , richer (?) nicer (?) smarter (?) got “our man” !
    (the list goes on and on).
    And the MM seems to unwittingly particiapte in us blaming ourselves, no?

    Normal break ups seem more logical more final and more acceptable even tho the pain may be terrible.

    But with an MM there is seemingly no good closure.

    I am so proud of you for going out on a date! Go for it and enjoy yourself as much as you can! Ask yourself throughout: How am I feeling right now? How am I doing right now? Just take little baby steps just like you said!

    In my life I have a man paying attention to me for quite a while ( a single one!) but alas very VERY! young (LOL). I dont see much possibility in anything happening (not even a date) but lately I am taking the attention!

    He is unlike my type completely except that he is a foreigner and I do like men from other countries! (I even married one and have a dual citizenship now.)
    But I am in the arts and he is medicine so thats what I mean he is not my usual type…..I usually date men closer to my field of interest somehow.

    Keep talking and sharing now even if you cant quite stop all contact with the MM yet. It doesnt really matter as long as you dont feel like hell daily and beat yourself up mercilessly! What matters is regaining self esteem and quality of life one day at a time! A day liking yourself enough to take good care of yourself emotionally as well as physically is a any OW’s best first step!

  10. Another Susan Says:

    O my goodness this is like finding angels!!!! Deep sigh after the sobbing….:-)

    • Susan Says:

      Another Susan – welcome to my blog. Feel free to share your story and ask away. Lots of great people here, lots of support & lots of advice (hard to follow, but good to hear.)

    • anotherother1 Says:

      Another Susan….welcome to the club none of us wanted to join. 🙂

  11. melinda Says:

    susan i am now convinced the MM’s never really go anywhere aftern today’s events in my life

    because my new fence is up…my new “provacy” plants are in and my neighbors think my yard looks wonderful and how did i get thses great ideas? LOL

    so i was feeling great this week over my new found freedom, but today I came home an hour ago to see my MM’s car parked smack in front of my house

    so after a year of no speaking no texting no emails no contact and lately, me putting up a fence, now here he is back in the way of his big fat SUV

    now i am feeling like i need to hide in my house again even with a fence!

    sigh

  12. melinda Says:

    what i mean is we OW’s are the MM’s dream come true! (til whatever shit hits the fan which of course it always does)

    they dont ever forget us even if they dont ever “want” us!

    double sigh

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