Help, I need somebody. Help, not just anybody

I think that blogging has been incredibly therapeutic.  I haven’t told my shrink though.  I’ve told her that I’ve been journaling.  And I haven’t told MM either.  I tell him that I journal and find that sometimes when I’m writing, things become clearer once I see them on paper.  Actually, often times it is the comments that make things clearer.  Or are like a cyber smack in the head.  🙂

MM and I have been emailing and talking.  I feel dirty and ashamed of that fact.  Yet what I keep telling him is to let me go.  Leave me alone.  I understand that he is unhappy and that I opened up his eyes.  But I’m not going to hold his hand and help him walk across the lion’s den right now.  He has to figure out what he wants in his life, where he wants to be in his life and what’s important in his life — without regard to me.  No matter what happens between me and him – whether we never see each other again, become friends, lovers or more, I don’t want him to look at me, think of me with resentment.  And I don’t want to have those feelings for him.  To be honest, I would be happy with any feeling other than anger at this point.  But resentment would be toxic.  No matter what.

So the conversations that we’ve had have been okay for me.  The one thing I’ve repeatedly asked is what is it exactly, that he’s trying to work out.  Does he want to save his marriage, because frankly, his marriage is dead.  Deader than dead.  Dead.  Deader.  Deadest.  Yup.  Deadest.  I guess he could stay where he is, in his wife’s bed, in his jointly mortgaged home, with his jointly leased cars and joint bank accounts until the children are . . . teenagers, out of high school, graduating from college, married, have children . . . And then what happens?  What happens during?  None of it is really my problem.  And yet I seem to think that I should have some concern, some investment in the outcome.  How foolish of me.  It’s not my life.  I’m divorced after almost 19 years of marriage; I’m a single mother with 2 kids.  I’m a full time worker.  I made the decisions that were right for me, my kids, my life.  MM has to make the decisions that are right for him.  Please, I’ve begged of him, let me go.  Stop calling me.  Stop emailing me.  Stop telling me that you’re sorry.  Stop telling me you miss you.  Stop telling me that you love me.  Stop asking me what I want.  Stop.  Stop.  STOP!!!

I told MM that was I was going to block his phone number.  But I haven’t done it.  I told him I was going to block his email.  I haven’t done that either.  He asked me not to.  So like a fool, I didn’t.  What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t do it.  My girlfriend referred to him today as my fix.  Yes, I know that.  I understand that, and yet, time and time again I forget.  As if I could.

I would like to meet someone.  I had a date scheduled for tonight.  I broke it.  The guy just annoys me.  I’m sure that he’s nice, but I don’t want to go out with him.  I don’t want to date him.  I saw his picture and there’s not enough alcohol in the world to make this guy more appealing.  I would rather put on a movie, pour a glass of wine and go to sleep.  Sounds like heaven.  I would like to turn my brain off for a few hours – not think about work, money, bills, kids’ school work, MM or the fact that I’m alone.  I’m not lonely.  I’m just alone.  The thing that I think of most, is that right now, I don’t mind being alone.  Given a choice of going out on a date tonight and making small talk with someone I could care less about, watching a movie with a girlfriend or spending the evening in a quiet home (without my kids), by myself – I picked door number 3.  How much time do I have to do that?  Should I really be thinking that MM is the guy for me because otherwise I could end up alone?  I spent the relationship with MM being alone anyway.  So, what’s the difference.  I felt there was a period of time that I could have been content, in my affair, for years to come.  I never asked him to leave his wife for me; I like having my freedom and being only accountable to me and my children.  Meeting someone local, to spend weekends, holidays, birthdays with, would be nice and I didn’t see that as an impediment to my affair.  MM never liked me to talk about other men, dating, being physical with someone else.  In fact, he used to ask me if I told people that I had a boyfriend, that I was in love with someone.  Are you fucking kidding me??!?!?!  Did he tell his wife that he had a girlfriend and was in love with someone else?  We all know the answer to that question.  And since he was so weird about it, I felt that it was best not to talk about it.  Where I went when I wasn’t with him, wasn’t his business.  Who I was with, when I wasn’t with him, wasn’t his business.  He was with his wife.  And that wasn’t any of my business.

I would like to meet someone someday.  I would like to be with someone someday.  Someone who loves me, respects me, wants me – mind and in body.  I would like to be with someone someday that I think is smarter than me, funny, who I respect and who I dig – both in spirit and in body.  I chewed on thinking that was MM.  But the “married” part got in the way.  Fantasy is great until you put a pin in your bubble and burst it.  How much of what I felt was fantasy and how much reality.  How much of what he felt was fantasy and how much reality.  I don’t know the answer to either question.  What I do know, without a doubt, without hesitation, is that what we had is over.  It is no more.  It can never be that again.  It would have to be different.  How do you do that.  Do I want to do that.  Is this the person do I want to do that with.  Funny how I ask these questions as if the answer were mine, when it’s not.

Just keep walkin’.

Tags: addict, adultery, affair, anger, angry, Beatles, broken heart, broken hearted, bullshit, email, ex-husband, fantasy, holiday, holidays, I need somebody, infidelity, journal, journaling, leave me alone, let me go, liar, love, lover, married man, mistress, MM, other woman, OW, pain, resent, resentment, second best, second choice, sex, significant other, soulmate, spineless, stalk, unfaithful, wife