Another blog – Whyhaveanaffair – and its impact

I have been following, albeit intermittently, another blog – whyhaveanaffair. It has been incredibly interesting and illuminaating. It is written by a MM who had an affair, with comments by his W. They are working to repair and keep their marriage. There is another blogger who comments often, betrayalsurvivor1981, on this blog and she has raised some very interesting points to me that I would like to post here – full credit to her, to the other bloggers and whyhaveanaffair’s blog.

As most of my readers know, I spent a lot of time wondering what my xMM’s W was thinking immediately after d-day. This blog answers a lot of those questions. But the posting on “hysterical bonding” rocked my world. I didn’t understand it. I spent a lot of time ruminating whether MM and his W were sleeping together/having sex, after d-day and if so, why would SHE do it, how could HE do it. I also understand that all affairs are different, just as people are different, situations are different and while we can find comfort and education in other people’s trials and tribulations, we need to learn from our singular mistakes, triumphs, heartbreaks and loves.

I would like to share my exchanges with the bloggers as I found their insights quite poignant – and of course I would love to respond. 🙂

The posting was “Hysterical bonding”:
ME:Thanks, betrayalsurvivor1981 and mr and mrs. Yes, my “about me” is outdated. I haven’t thought to change it. The blog is always evolving, just like me. I think that the writing/blogging helps get through some sticky, unhappy times. Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story.How you came to where you are now. You are right. My xMM is now my BF – or at least we are now publically a couple after all of the years of being hidden. I’m sure that our story is not much different than the story of Mr.’s friend who married his AP. Sometimes marriages are irretrievably broken but no one walks away until something forces the issues. Like pergatory. We can all drift there forever. There are a million reasons why people have affairs, why those affairs end, perpetuate, fizzle, explode or morph into something more, or die. Do not judge unless you walk a mile in that person’s shoes. Easier said than done, right? And don’t forget that the blogging is a snapshot. Not everyone writes everything. It is a place to vent. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I a villain? A hero? A good person or bad? All of the above to a mullitude of people. But if you ask the questions, I would happily tell. We all hope to learn from each other. That’s why we are hear in the blogging world. Not to condemn. But to learn and for some catharsis. Yes, please read my blog. But understand that I too bleed, hurt, love, care and didn’t go into an affair with the hopes of destroying anyone’s marriage. And my last thought of the day, it is alway easier to make the “Other” woman/man the villain, yet we are not the ones who took the vows; we are not the ones who broke those vows. We are oftentimes not the crazies that the Married man/woman portray us to be, yet we are often the scapegoats. You know why? Because the BS doesn’t always want to know the truth or they really really want to believe their spouse. I KNOW what I did, how I behaved and I KNOW what my MM told his W. I KNOW the lies he told her. He asked me to corroborate them. He lied to his W after d-day telling her I called when I didn’t, telling her I emailed, texted when I didn’t. But my relationship was with him, not with her. The flaw in their marriage wasn’t me. It was between them and their inability to end their marriage and walk away after it had died (or rightlyfully before it had started.) Ask away. I have a milion questions for you!
Happy Valentine’s day!!

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 14, 2013 at 11:58 pm
(“…I definitely appreciate more the ones from supportive people like yourself. We feel like you’re a friend (albeit at a distance !) and we both appreciate your support and friendship.”) – from whyhaveanaffair 2/9/13
Because of this “cyber-friendship,” I feel comfortable responding to Susan on your blog, Mr. and Mrs. B (as I haven’t started my own blog – yet).
___________________________________
From Susan: (“Betrayalsurvivor – I’m so intrigued by your moniker, your comments. I would be very interested in hearing your story. How you came to where you are now.”)
Susan, firstly I want to thank you for your interest in my story. EVERY human being on the face on this planet has a right to his/her opinions & beliefs. Therefore, I want to assure you in advance that my post is NOT aimed to try and vilify you. However, my beliefs and opinions – like yours – are ROCK SOLID and FIRM! Buckle your seatbelts, sweetheart, because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

I am an African American grandma. In 1981 my physically and mentally abusive serial-cheating husband deserted his family. On every DDay prior to the final affair that resulted in his leaving, I received from him the usual begging and pleading for my forgiveness, and promises that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. After fathering an OC (a baby girl) with one of his affair partners, he left me for yet another affair partner (not the OC’s mother) whom he later married. He left me pregnant with our third child (a girl), as well as our 2-years-old and 1-year-old sons. Having EXTREMELY low self-esteem at that time in my life (and therefore not realizing that I was actually better off for him leaving), I was absolutely devastated and ashamed. (My parents were happily and solidly married for nearly forty years until my father died in 1995, and divorce made me feel like the “black sheep” of the family [no pun intended]. My mother is also now deceased.)

Despite all the negative things that had occurred in my marriage, I loved the ground my husband walked on, and I literally wanted to die after he abandoned us. In fact, I attempted suicide when my husband abandoned us, and it landed me in the hospital for over a week. Although my devastating grief could maybe EXPLAIN such a reckless act, NOTHING can ever EXCUSE it – mainly because I was PREGNANT! (She is now a very healthy 31-yr-old businesswoman. ) When I think of the damage my selfish act could’ve done to my unborn child, even though I survived the suicide attempt; as well as the devastating legacy I would’ve foisted upon our 2 baby sons had my attempt succeeded – all because of my heartache over my children’s serial-cheating father, coupled with my excessively low self-esteem – I am STILL ashamed to this day and will never COMPLETELY forgive myself! However, I am now a “tough-as-nails” BETRAYAL SURVIVOR, and sincerely GRATEFUL to have lived to see my 4 (so far) grandkids!

As a divorced mother I worked full time as an administrative assistant and raised my kids. They are now 31, 33 and 34; all have attended college; my sons are married with children of their own; my daughter is an unmarried (by her choice) and childless businesswoman (“you go, girl!” ); and all of them are successful. My three children’s half-sister (the OC) is a magnificent woman who is 32 and married with an adorable son, and my children love and have been very close to their sister for many years. She’s also one of my Facebook “friends.” (Twenty years ago her mother called me and apologized for having slept with my husband, and I accepted her apology. I NEVER blamed my children’s sister, because human beings have absolutely no control over the circumstances of our births. The adultery was committed by her father and mother, NOT by the innocent child!)

Although my children love their father (of course they do, because he is their father, after all, and always will be), they have told me (AND him) several times through the years that they DON’T RESPECT him, due to his past behavior toward me and his betrayal and abandonment of me AND them. My children have told me (AND their father) that they love AND respect me, and hold me in high regard for how I survived the life-shattering heartbreak and calamity that was forced upon me by their father’s actions back then.

It wasn’t easy raising three children alone by a long shot (I remarried after they were grown), but with God’s grace those childrearing years were the very best times of my life! (BTW, my children’s father -– my ex-husband -– who left me for wife #2, is now with wife #4. Go figure.)
____________________________________
Susan, I’m a church pastor’s daughter (my father is deceased), and a Christian. I said I’m a Christian – NOT Christ! I have so many faults you could fill an encyclopedia with them! Absolutely NO human being – those who have lived on this earth and are no longer alive; those of us who are currently alive; and those who have yet to be born – are perfect! (For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23) I’m a firm believer that people have a right to live our lives as we see fit – so long as we do not encroach upon someone’s else’s life – which is EXACTLY what affairs do!

From Susan: (“But understand that I…didn’t go into an affair with the hopes of destroying anyone’s marriage.”)
This is an example of what separates adults from children. “I didn’t MEAN to do it, Mommy,” (when a child has been caught in wrongdoing); “I never intended for anybody to get hurt, Pops,” (when a child’s folly causes harm in ways the child could have never foreseen); is behavior that is – childish. As adults, we are responsible for our actions, and adults know that engaging in extramarital affairs is wrong. Therefore, any pain and devastation that occur – directly or indirectly – related to an affair is the fault of BOTH the CH/CW AND the OW/OM!

From Susan: (“…It is always easier to make the “Other” woman/man the villain, yet we are not the ones who took the vows; we are not the ones who broke those vows.”)
This is a common “AP” fallacy that must be addressed. There is no way ANYONE involved in an affair has “clean hands.” The OW who has an EA/PA/BOTH with a MM is with someone who DOESN’T belong to her; and the OM who has an EA/PA/BOTH with a MW is with someone who DOESN’T belong to him. It doesn’t matter that the AP didn’t take vows with the Betrayed Spouse. It doesn’t matter that the marriage had vulnerabilities, as EVERY marriage has vulnerabilities. That doesn’t give the CH/OW or CW/OM carte blanche to be with each other! If the owners of a house, for example, are away and the front/back/garage door has been left unlocked, any person who enters that house unauthorizedly will be guilty of a felony, punishable by law. It doesn’t matter that the house was vulnerable. If a car is parked anywhere, unlocked and even with the keys in the ignition, any person who enters that car unauthorizedly and drives away is guilty of felony. It doesn’t matter that the car was vulnerable. People argue that other PEOPLE don’t BELONG to anybody. As a Christian, my beliefs dispute that argument based on 1 Corinthians 7:3-4: “A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife.”

From Susan: (“We are oftentimes not the crazies that the Married man/woman portray us to be, yet we are often the scapegoats. You know why? Because the BS doesn’t always want to know the truth or they really really want to believe their spouse.”)
There is something that I firmly disagree with: the tendency for ONLY the OW to be branded as the homewrecker! BOTH the CH AND the OW, or the CW AND the OM, are EQUAL homewreckers! The MM wrecked his own home, and his AP participated in it. The MW wrecked her own home, and her AP participated in it. As for the BS not wanting to know the truth: Seriously, Susan? “Other” women are NOTORIOUS for believing ANYTHING the MM says about his Wife, even though – in MOST cases – the OW has NEVER EVER met the W personally! What married man is going to walk up to a woman and say, “Hey baby, I’m deeply in love with my wife, we have a great sex life, and I’m never going to leave her for any THING, any BODY, or any REASON. But, you sure look good to me, Sugar. How about giving me some of that?” That man will find himself picking up his teeth after being slapped into next week by the woman he propositioned in that ridiculous manner. Married Men know EXACTLY the time-worn clichés that work with Other Women, and OWs continue to fall for the lies every single day!

From Susan: (“I KNOW what I did, how I behaved and I KNOW what my MM told his W. I KNOW the lies he told her. He asked me to corroborate them. He lied to his W after d-day telling her I called when I didn’t, telling her I emailed, texted when I didn’t. But my relationship was with him, not with her.”)
You’re right about that, Susan, your relationship was/is with him – a LIAR and a CHEAT (by your own description above). He did NOT stop being a liar and a cheat when the divorce papers were signed. Please don’t fool yourself, Susan. (I have read your ENTIRE blog, by the way.)

From Susan: (“It was between them and their inability to end their marriage and walk away after it had died [or rightfully before it had started].”)
Who has the right to decide if “rightfully” a marriage should not have started? What about if a mass killer should have “rightfully” been born? Should Adolf Hitler, Timothy McVeigh, Aileen Wuournos, Charles Manson, or Adam Lanza (to name a VERY VERY few) “rightfully” should not have been conceived and born because of the murder and absolute devastation their existence would cause? The “that marriage should never have happened in the first place” is yet another argument used to justify and affair, and it DOESN’T HOLD WATER.

I honor marriage and I detest divorce, whether affair-related or not. However, I am fully aware that there ARE times when divorce is the BEST thing for the wife and/or husband in a doomed marriage. (Please see my comments on the blog of “Bad Husband” http://www.affairturmoil.wordpress.com ) Although I didn’t realize it over thirty years ago, through the years I HAVE realized that my divorce from my first husband ended up being the BEST thing to have happened to me AND our children with regard to my marriage, because, as I stated above, he was also PHYSICALLY abusive. Who knows when one of his beatings may have resulted in serious injury or even death to me or to one of our children?

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 15, 2013 at 1:59 am
(My comment is continuing here, Susan, because I was granted more time on this computer. The “gods” are looking out for me today! )

There certainly ARE marriages that have “died” and need to be buried. But, it is COWARDLY for the husband and/or wife in that “dead” marriage to enter into an extramarital affair with someone WITHOUT FIRST HAVING OBTAINED A DIVORCE! Married men are NOTORIOUS for “having their cake and eating it, too.” They want “out” of their “unhappy” marriages, yet MOST of them are the first ones on their knees on DDay, begging and pleading for the wife’s forgiveness, and promising to high heaven that they will spend the rest of their lives making it up to the wife. Often, it is the Betrayed Spouse who decides that she (or he, if the cheater was the wife) can no longer live with someone who committed the most egregious offense possible against their spouse. (From your “Time is of the Essence” 2/8/13 post: “But my BF/xMM stayed after HIS affair was discovered, to try and work things out. I can’t help but ruminate from time to time, what would have happened if his wife hadn’t wanted to push for the divorce.”)

In closing, I’ll say this:
Susan, it is NEVER a CONTEST between the Wife and the Other Woman! Nobody “wins” when it comes to affairs. (From your “And the winner is” 1/6/10 post: “After all of this, you know what? He chose her. He didn’t choose me. So I guess she wins. What’s the prize? An emasculated, castrated unhappy man, in love with someone else for 3 years; fucking someone else for 2 1/2 years; sending her emails about loving her, missing her, wanting to be with her. Even if he doesn’t tell [his wife] everything or only tells her some of it, or shockingly lies about our affair, what is she thinking? What does she get? His honesty? His loyalty? His fidelity? His love? His companionship? Is she letting him sleep in her bed? In her house? Under her roof? Are they eating their meals together? Doesn’t she want to smack him? I do. What I really want to know is who wins? Her? MM? Me?”)

[Please read “Debunking the myths of infidelity: revisited” 12/29/12 @ http://www.rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com

Susan says:
February 15, 2013 at 1:20 pm
Betrayalsurvivor1981 – Thank you so much for your response. I didn’t want you to think that I wouldn’t respond. I would like to give you the proper response, however, but US/east coast time is pushing me to work. Honestly, your story is one of strength and courage. And one I admire. I am a firm believe in the adage that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and you certainly live it. I’ll be back. And I would certainly love to share your comments on my blog.

Reply
betrayalsurvivor1981 says:
February 16, 2013 at 5:15 pm
Thanks, Susan, for your quick “mini-response.” (I know you were on your way to work and that, of course, is a huge priority. We gotta pay our bills, right? ) Also, thank you for your statement concerning my story, and for honoring me with your request to share my comments on your blog.

I’m an “optimistic skeptic” (now THAT’S an oxymoron, if there ever was one!). I welcome the compliment of your using my comments on your blog, with the following requests (that I’m sure you already know, but being an “optimistic skeptic” I must say this anyway: please be sure to notate me as the author of any of my comments you use; and I ask that “creative editing” not be used when quoting me. (I studied journalism in college, and I know the “tricks of the trade.” )

Again, thank you for your interest, and I look forward to your “proper response” (as you worded it above).

———–
So – Holy cow! Some of the things that betrayalsurvivor said knocked me down. I don’t agree with everything, but it was certainly informative and from a completely different perspective from mine. And funny how we have some similarities in our stories. 😉
I had an affair for a selfish reason – it was something I needed at that time in my life. I was ending my marriage and craved physical and emotional intimacy with someone, anyone. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive so while my children and I do not have physical scars, we carry around the motional ones – not readily visible or easily discussed. It was hard to end my marriage after 17 years, and yes, my parents are still married after 50 years. It was what I thought marriage was about – a life long commitment to someone I loved, admired, respected and wanted to grow old with. Unfortunately, that wasn’t my ex. I probably never should have married him, but then I wouldn’t have my kids.

While betraylsurvivor quotes the bible and whose body belongs to whom, I find that beautiful in a perfect world. Unfortunately, most of us don’t live there. We live here. Sometimes in our own miserable hell. So what MM does/doesn’t do – his vows are not my vows. Yeah, if a MM tells an OW it’s just a fuck, likely she may not be “up” for it (pun intended), but there are plenty of OW/OM who don’t care. Do I believe that MM/MW are liars when they enter into affairs?? You betcha!! But then there are people who are weak, who are trapped – from every direction. Who can’t make a decision, an action without someone telling them, approving it. My MM should have ended his marriage for all the right reasons instead of because he had an affair. It was shitty for all concerned. And the ripple effect continues. Retribution, for sure.

A couple of months ago, I spent a long weekend with my BF/xMM and his parents – just the 4 of us. And if you’ve read all of my blog, then you know that his xW, made him call his parents after d-day, confess his affair, spend 2+ weeks with his parents in exile and then try to repair his broken marriage at the direction of his parents. xMM/BF and I have now been together, openly, for 3 years. It was time to address the elephant in the room. So I did. And BF’s mother said – that he believes and has consistently maintained that he and I are soul-mates. Yeah. Not so difficult. But a lousy way to start. I wish that we had met after he had divorced his xW, but perhaps without me, he never would have. Perhaps without me, he would have stayed in his emotionally abusive relationship with an asbergers narcissistic woman, solely responsible for the financial and emotional needs of his children. What a lousy way to live.

As to knowing he lied to xW – yeah, it concerns me. Once a liar, always a liar is a popular theory. But my BF isn’t Is there trust? Do I trust him? Yes, I do. If I don’t, then we have nothing. And to be fair, there are times when I don’t. I hate those moments. The re-reading the old emails, the chats; replaying the memories, the conversations, the feelings. And this time of year particularly galls me – as xW’s birthday has come and gone – It was after d-day, March, 2010 when he was telling me how much he loves me, needs me, misses me, wants to be with me and is going to separate from his xW after d-day, that he took her to the Carribean for her birthday, texting me all weekend that he was fighting a cold and getting lots of sleep. (The other day I was leafing through some books in his house and found the receipt for Bubba Gumps in Cancun, March 2010 and got pissed off all over again.)

Lastly, a lot of the MM/MW who have cheated haven’t had “love affairs.” They have had a physical indiscretion. I’m not saying one is better or worse. Being physicallly intimate with someone other than your spouse is difficult for the BS, but being emotially cheated on must be worse. So the spouse LOOKING for it, in my humble opinion, is worse than the one who isn’t. The spouse who falls in love or becomes emotionally attached to someone other than their spouse is in an entirely different category than the one night stand. But, like the rest of this blog, that’s just my opinion.

Don’t know why it took me so long to write, edit and post this entry. Been busy. With life. And the hurt and the anger, fade over time and are replaced by other feelings. And life has a regular rhythm – good, bad, ugly, beautiful. Thank goodness.

D-Day + 3 +730 days

733 Days

= 17592 Hours
= 1055520 Minutes
= 63331200 Seconds

 It has been 2 years and 3 days since my D-Day of December 9, 2009.  I remember every single second of it, like childbirth.  Where I was, what I was doing, the blood pounding in my head and throughout my body, and how time stood still.  It was like a slow motion movie, where life continued on around me, but I was frozen, in my own cocoon.  Part of the picture yet completely removed.  I remember coming across another blogger who had put a clock app on his iPhone (RBM 🙂 ) that showed how much time had elapsed since he had entered the realm of no-contact; and another blogger (AOW) who had a running calendar of days since d-day, no contact, last kiss, etc.  I felt that I was ‘healing’ when I could no longer remember those critical days and the amount of time that had elapsed.  After all, we say that time heals all wounds.  But does it?  Do you ever forget?  I remember asking another blogger (TVExplorer) if you ever really get over it and he simply replied that you think about it less and less.  Not really the answer I was looking for.  And who would have thought that 733 days after my d-day I would have the answer. 

This time of year depresses me.  I think it always had.  The forced joviality, happiness, togetherness.  The expectations put on making everything “just so” with family and friends.  Nothing ever lives up to those expectations or re-adjusted childhood memories.  Does Disney have a license on brainwashing?  I was one of the “lucky ones” that had d-day further ruin my December holiday time.  My xMM’s w called me on 12/9 to share with me her new found knowledge; xMM called me on 12/14 to tell me of his exile and then we silently slipped into no-contact.  Holiday parties, Christmas, xMM’s birthday – all came and went – with no-contact.  And that was 2 years ago. 

What I learned after the fact still hurts me and still makes me angry.  xMM wrote a confessional letter to his w about all of the horrible things he did (me) and how much he loved her, their life, how much he needed her, and would work tirelessly to restore her trust in him; how MM was the one who blocked me from his Facebook page, his cell phone, his home phone, his other social networking sites (but, he would whine, that he didn’t have a choice); how MM was berated over and over, but was “allowed” to return to the loving fold of his w on 12/26, his birthday; the marriage counseling, the trip to the Caribbean, staying in the hotel he and I always stayed in . . . The list seems to go on and on and on. 

Why can’t I let it go?  There are days when I’m fine and I don’t think about anything having to do with the past, and then . . .**THWACK** something reminds me (like Christmas) and the pain, anger and hurt are there again.

This will be our second “outed” December together.  Last year, xMM went to Florida with his kids, to his parents’ house.  I was only allowed to meet them for a quick bite the day before they left.  MM wanted everything to be “just right” and once again, took all of the advice as to how to make that happen from others.  This year, we’re going to spend Christmas and his birthday together – all of us – kids included – at his house.

We had talked about “the tree” this year.  One of the symbols of his married life that haunted me and over which I would obsess.  Did they buy the tree, did they decorate the tree, was it a perfect little family time fit for a Hallmark card all the while he would text me, call me, email me.  This year his children were hurt that their mother (now the x-W) bought a tree without them, but with her new BF.  I spoke to my BF/xMM and offerred to join them for the tree buying, decorating escapade and xMM didn’t say anything to me until this past Friday, that they were going tree shopping on Sunday, which they did.  Needless to say, I was hurt.  I don’t want to speak to him.  So I haven’t.  The fucking tree.  Now I’m going to hate the fucking tree because I’m so good at transferrance.

So 2 years, 0 months and 3 days after D-day, the answer is . . . drumroll, please . . .

Without trust, there is no Intimacy

It’s been about a month or so since last I wrote.  Funny how time flies or stands still depending on where you are.  I remember when I was in the thick of my affair, the time I spent with MM would fly by, yet days would drag until we saw each other next.  Time seemed to stand completely still after d-day.  Every minute that I didn’t hear from him seemed a lifetime, ever day an eternity, until a week had gone by, a month.

My ex-MM/BF took his 10 year old daughter to her school’s father-daughter dance 2 weeks ago.  He was talking to one of the other fathers while the girls “group danced” with each other.  The other father said to him that it was probably the biggest collection of people in one room who couldn’t stand their spouses but were too lazy to do anything about it.  MM told me that he responded, rather superciliously, that he found that sad and that he replied that he was determined to not be one of them.  My, how well he can re-write history!  My oh my, how willing he was to be one of them!  How sad and depressed he was when he realized that he wasn’t going to be one of them!  He then pondered aloud to this father, how sad it would be to live such an unfulfilling life and what do these people do when they are empty-nesters.  I speculated that they’ve already lived such separate lives to that point, that nothing much changes. 

We talked about a man that we know who has been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, who refers to his wife as a room-mate.  Yup, that’s what happens.  That guy goes out to dinner with “colleagues” and friends all the time and leaves the “Mrs.” at home.  And when he is home, he’s having a bottle of wine, a cigar, a glass of cognac and TV.  I have no doubt that he’s had a number of affairs and may have even been in love with a few of them, but always returned home, to his empty, hollow, life.  Why?  I recently read another blogger’s posting and he hit the nail on the head when he said “comfortably numb” is the existence you have.  I think that’s sad.  I’ve always thought that was sad.  It goes hand in hand with the notion that “inaction is as much a choice as action.”

Of course my marriage was not anywhere close to “comfortably numb.”  It was excruciating  and coming to the decision that I would rather be alone and poor, than spend 1 more second with him was  a difficult but necessary one.  My AFFAIRS made my marriage “bearable” or “comfortably numb.”  Maybe that’s what they do – make a mediocre or bad situation tolerable.  Without those affairs, what does everyone have?  A spouse that they don’t much care for?  That they are no longer, if ever, connected to?  Someone they married at a time in their lives because that was the “right thing” to do and what everyone else expected?  What lessons do we teach our children?  I, for one, would never take the moral high ground.  The one thing I can say for sure is that when I cheated on my ex-H, it made me feel alive, loved, wanted, beautiful, desirable.  It was an escape from the rotten marriage.  It “enabled” me to continue in it because all of my needs were being met elsewhere and my ex-h made a good living. 

As the OW, my affair helped me get over a bad period in my life – ending my marriage.  What happened was I hadn’t expected to fall in love with my MM, just use him for sex, use him for the way he made me feel and then move on.

My ex-MM/BF and I were driving from his home to my home on Saturday.  I was so tired, I had to close my eyes.  We were talking about his unfailing need to “always do right” by everyone, that he’s a pleaser and I was so sick and tired of this conversation that I told him:  Yeah, you wanted to do right by everyone but me.  And he replied:  By everyone but ME.  I was surprised to hear him say that.  He then said, that today, he is a completely different person than he was a year + ago.  He then said, through therapy, counseling, reading and me, he has changed.  But then he said something to the effect that if his ex-W hadn’t found his blackberry with all of our texts, it is possible that we wouldn’t be together now as he had been incapable of “hurting” anyone, but that he couldn’t fathom that everyone could in fact survive and thrive if he ended his marriage.  Funny, I reminded him that at our last in person conversation before d-day, I told him that I was done with our relationship, yes, I would let it peter out, but having signed my divorce papers I was going to focus on meeting someone who was available to me – that essentially MM had served his purposes and I was done.  He then asked if we could be friends, to which I laughed and said no.  He then told me that he loves me, wants to be with me but his kids are young, his house is “under water,” he’s unemployed (we all know the drill and litany of excuses).  I told him that I didn’t care what his excuses were and that if I were around when he sorted everything out, then I would be there and if not, too bad for him.  He asked me what he should do.  He asked me whether I was asking him to leave his wife.  I said – I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I’m GOING to do.  Then, 4 days later, we’re chatting on Skype, he’s wearing headphones so he can’t hear anything around him, and loudly proclaims that he loves me, misses me and can’t wait to see me.  “Unbeknownst to him” his mother in law is in the hall eavesdropping, tells her daughter that she suspects MM is having an affair and then . . . we’re off to the races.  I told MM as we were driving in the car, that he exploded his life.  He couldn’t be honest with his W then, or the year before, or the year before that and tell her that he wanted to leave, that he was in love with someone else, BUT he didn’t want to lose me and knew that I was preparing to leave him.  So, he swallowed a grenade.  ****Kaboom****  Shit flew everywhere and decisions were made that didn’t involve him.  In his fear at what he had done, he retreated.  And yet, he was never remorseful.  Yes, he wrote that letter.  Yes, he told me we couldn’t speak.  Yes, he “unfriended” me.  Yes, he took my call.  Yes, he called me and called me and emailed me and told me he loves.  Until . . .

Well, here we are today.  I’ve read lots of my cyber friends’ blogs talking about deleting emails, texts, etc., from their x-MM/MW/AP and while I have even given that advice, CAN’T DO IT.  And I read them, re-read them and re-re-read them.  Will someone come to my home and press “delete”?  The worst part is how horrible I feel when I read them.  How stupid I feel.  How used.  And the list goes on.  The worst part is how they conjure up the hurt all over again.  The unanswered questions, the pleading, fighting, suppressed anger.  I’m right there all over again.  Like deja vu.  🙂

So – flash forward to Valentine’s Day.  And yes, I’ve read everyone else’s accounting.  Man, I burn for you all.  My anger is raw, unrestrained for you all.  When will I stop seeing myself as the “OW” but as the girlfriend?  The significant other?  The partner?  And maybe, if I can tolerate it, the wife?

We went to an “intimacy workshop” for couples.  And it wasn’t about sex, but about connecting, becoming and staying more connected.  The class was given by someone ex-MM/BF knows as a Dojo but who is schooled in other far east schoolings and his partner happens to be a tantra goddess.  What he said was without trust you can’t have intimacy.  I froze.  The “exercise” was to look into your partner’s eyes and radiate the feelings of love you have. I leaned over and asked my ex-MM/BF: “Does Sensei know about us? How we met?  How we came to be?  Where you were?  Where you’ve come from?”  And he said:  Yes.  Trust.  So elusive.  A word we all throw around without thinking.  TRUST.  Do I trust him?  That’s HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I re-re-read my old emails between me and MM, the word “trust” comes up all the time.  After d-day, the texts and emails talk about “trust” – specifically – do I trust him to do the right thing by me?  Do I trust that we are ‘meant to be?’; do I trust that our love is strong enough to get over the obstacles that might confront us? 

Funny, that word.  Trust.

I had affairs during my marriage.  Trust.  I needed those affairs because I had a shitty marriage.  I needed those affairs to help me get over the humps of my life.  Some were emotional.  Some were physical.  And some were both.  I had this last affair with MM because I needed HIM.  Trust.  He had an affair.  Trust.  He sent me a no contact letter.  Trust?  And we talked about trusting each other, trusting our feelings, etc.  Trust.  It’s something we always talk about but something that’s so elusive/

MM and I fell in love during the tenure of his marriage.  Trust

He followed the wishes of his “now ex-W” and there was no contact.  Trust

He hurt me.  Trust

I wonder if I can get past it.

We spoke last night.  I’ve been writing this post for days – starting and stopping; reading and re-reading it and my old emails, chats, texts, etc.  It puts me in a horrible mood.  I’m afraid to hit the “delete” button and don’t know why.  And I told him that last night.  What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me.  What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist.  His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it.  I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to.  You’re an adult, I told him, act like one.  If your parents can’t be respectful of you, what is it you hope to get from them?  And if you can’t defend me to them, then I don’t want a relationship with you.  I refuse to be a secret.  And make no mistake, I told him, I wont stick around.

And here we are today.  Trust?

What’s love got to do with it?

I have been reading blogs and blogging and thinking almost all day.  I’m blue.  Maybe it’s PMS.  Maybe it’s not.  I read this quote and had to (re)post it.  Seems to sum up a lot of what we all feel.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  ~Neil Gaiman

It’s Done – Part 3

MM signed his final divorce agreement Wednesday, January 5, 2011.   Another date I can add into the timeline of my past 12 1/2 months.

12/4/09 – the last time MM and I made love

12/9/09 – DD

12/10/09 – MM exiled to Florida

[I subsequently learned: 12/12/09 – MM emailing W and writing letter about what a horrible thing he did (and then sharing it with me, looking for ME to help him out of his own words being used against him during divorce proceedings):

I have committed adultery and carried on an adulterous affair.  I can’t imagine your pain.  I am intensely sorry and I now realize how incredibly horrible I was to do this.  But I am not a loser.  If you sincerely believe that I am a loser and was never a good person, then we should consider ending our marriage.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to try and deal with this with you in order to try and repair our marriage.  While I understand that you need time to deal with your pain and anger, I think that we need to get into counseling as soon as possible if we are going to have a chance to make things right.  I don’t think it is enough to get advice from friends and family members or to just reflect on things ourselves.  Professional counselors have training and experience and have helped plenty of people in our situation.  I would like to come home, find a place to stay, and go to counseling with you as soon as possible.
I hope you will give this some consideration.  I love you and I want to prove to you that you can love and trust me.  I also want to make sure that the kids are shielded from what goes on between you and me.

I hope you mean that I need to prove that I know that I messed up and that I will never do this again.  To prove that I love you and recognize the severity of what I did.  I don’t understand you wanting me to prove that I am worth it.  We have been together for almost 14 years.  This was a horrible thing, but it was isolated and stupid and it will never happen again.  If you don’t see my worth as a person who has made a terrible, selfish mistake, but who is a good person, then there are other problems.  I really think that a counselor could help us with this, and the sooner the better.  I would be willing to come up just for the counseling and leave afterward.

I love you.

12/14/09 – the last time MM and I spoke

[12/14/09 – I since learned of the letter that MM wrote W explaining his “bad behavior” and how it was horrible and selfish and will never happen again.  How he loves his w, how they have a “story book” marriage, how he is so sorry and will spend the rest of his life making up for his affair.]

12/28/09 – the last instant message from MM telling me he missed me and was sorry that he hurt me. 

1/12/10 – the “However comma” no contact email from MM and his W

1/26/10 – We spoke — I called to tell him that he was embarrassing me publicly. 

2/5/10 – or thereabouts – after he asked me to travel with him, took his W;

[I since learned: 2/15/10- went to FL with his W and kids and fucked his w in FL for the first time in 14 years]

3/10 – we agreed to see each other, w found out, forbid it and told him they should leave the state;

3/10 – MM took his W to the Caribbean for her birthday and sent me emails telling me how much sleep he got over the weekend and how he couldn’t wait to see me

3/10 – saw MM midway between his state and mine and it was if no time had passed; he resolved to end his marriage.

4/10 – I told MM that I was done with him finally.  He told me he loved me, when his W came home from her vacation he was leaving her.

4/10 – W came home, they had dinner and she raised divorce and he agreed.

. . . . And they are off to the races.

On January 5, 2010 I eulogized MM in my blog.  It was cathartic.  A year later, MM eulogized his marriage to me.  I went to see him on 1/4 and spent the night.  It was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back.  He had to be in court at 8:30 am.  Papers were signed and the divorce is final.  It will be entered by the court in 3 months.  I couldn’t wait for him to be done as I had to get home to pick up my kids from school.  He commented that ex-W wore skinny jeans and big black boots to court and looked like a “$3 hooker.”  Funny to think about.  He wore a jacket, pants and button down shirt.  I told him that in my opinion it epitomized their differences.  She could finally be who she is as, as could he.

I told one of my dear friends that the divorce was final and he asked me how much longer before I ended the relationship.  I laughed, but the thought has crossed my mind.  Where do we go from here.  There’s a lot of water under the bridge.  And when I try to discuss it, MM says:  I don’t want to talk about that now; I don’t want to think about that now.  He’s a perfect Scarlett O’Hara.  Does that make me Rhett Butler?

Good-bye 2010. Don’t let the door knob hit you . . .

To all of my cyber friends –

While this has been a horrible year for me, and yes, I cried again tonight over all the mistakes I’ve made and all the fears I have for tomorrow  – all the “should haves, could haves, would haves”  – I am thankful for all of you.  You are all my silver lining to my rain cloud.  The past year + 22 days was unimaginable to me in 2009, 2008 and earlier, yet here we all are.  I hope, for all of us, that 2011 will bring some peace, some respite from the pain.  I, for one, know that not being alone has been healing and cathartic.  To find a world out there of people who understand me, my pain and my experience,  selfishly makes me feel better.  I am thankful to you all.  I read your blogs and I know you read mine.  I could not have made it without you, and that’s the truth.

My wish for 2011 for all of US (non-denominationally):

God, grant us the…

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless

Happy New Year to all of my friends.  Without you, I would not have made it and for that, I am thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.

As my father would say:  Good bye 2010, don’t let the door knob hit you, where the good Lord split you.  🙂

–Susan

D-Day + 1

D-day + 1. 

366 days later.

365 days ago:

MM went to Florida to “stay” with his parents to think about his bad behavior and how he would feel if he were divorced.  He was punished.  His w punished him when she found out about us.  She punished me when she found out about us. 

I spoke with MM the day after d-day – what should he do, what should he say, what he was telling w about me, about us, about our relationship. 

I told him not to go to Florida.  He went. 

I told him to speak to a lawyer so he would have a realistic idea of what “being divorced” was all about it.  He went to Florida and didn’t call a lawyer. 

He told me the lies he was telling his W about our relationship and asked me, that should she call me again, to corroborate them.  He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer and she didn’t call me again. 

He called me 4 days later and then he didn’t call me again.

He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer; he asked me to lie for him; he disconnected me on Facebook, business networks; he blocked my cell phone & telephone numbers, my ip address from his computer. 

He asked me to be patient.  He told me he missed me. 

He came home; took his w to his company’s holiday party and stayed in the hotel we always stayed at; took his family to Florida in February and fucked his wife for the first time ever; and called me and texted me and told me that he loves me, misses me, needs me. 

He went to marriage counseling; he told me he was trying to reconcile/to fix things at home, to fix things with everyone – but me.

He & his w sent me an email telling me that “I’m sorry I hurt you.  However comma I love my wife and my family.”

He made plans to be with me then took his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 3 days before our meeting. 

He didn’t want to hurt anyone.  He hurt me.

366 days after d-day and MM is getting divorced. 

366 days after d-day MM went to the police to file a complaint against his w for menacing and threatening to hurt him.

366 days after d-day, MM’s w has herpes.

366 days after d-day MM has a new home that he calls “ours.”

366 days after d-day MM and I have spent my birthday together, Thanksgiving together and have planned to spend Christmas and New Year’s together.

366 days after d-day, MM isn’t wearing a wedding band.

366 days after d-day I feel that there are some issues that we still need to address; that there are still questions and unresolved hurt; that I’m still owed some apologies.

366 days after d-day is completely different than I thought it was going to be the day after d-day.

Addiction

I have a friend who works in a hospital helping addicted people – mostly teens, but anyone with an addiction.  The other night we spoke about heroine, methadone and what it does to quiet the need for other.  My understanding is that methadone quiets the receptors that call for the heroine, thereby diminishing the need/urge/addiction.  I asked my friend that if we can quiet those receptors in the brain, why we can’t use methadone to help other addictions.  For example someone addicted to alcohol, or shopping or food or going to the gym or is in love with a MM?  Why if we can use methadone to quite the “needy” receptors in someone’s brain and cause them to refrain from shooting heroin, couldn’t we find something to, let’s say, quiet the brain’s need to be in love with a married man?

My MM has kept me up to speed on every single gory detail about his divorce.  I know that I’ve written about that, but it never ceases to amaze me.  I know about the discovery demands and responses, the deposition testimony, the acrimony about dividing up the personal property and on and on and on.

There’s something interesting in a relationship with a MM (and I don’t mean boyfriend.)  While we, the OW, accept their position as married, from my perspective I didn’t find the ugly green monster of jealousy rise too much to the surface.  Every once in a while it would bother me.  In fact, for the most of my relationship with MM, I didn’t ask him whether he and his w were having sex.  I didn’t want to think about it and so I didn’t ask.  I knew that it was infrequent, if at all and he told me more than once that he was more married to me that way, than to her.  I remember him telling me the last time he and his w had sex was in October 2008.  That when she would initiate, he would say he was tired or something.  I wasn’t having sex with anyone else during that time – but went out on dates, kissed, held hands, thought about it, but nothing further.

MM was in town for business this week.  I have the flu.  So off he went to work, and I stayed in bed.  He has left some clothes here, some papers, some toiletries – to establish an existence here while he prepares to move out of his house and into a new home – like a dual residency.  He empties out his suitcase and puts his stuff in drawers in my home.  He put his bag on the window sill and I went to move it to close the window and noticed that there was “stuff” inside the bag.  It turned out to be papers, folders of his legal/matrimonial action.  I’ve seen all of the documents – he has forwarded everything to me.  Except the deposition transcript.  Which was in the bag.  Which screamed at me to read it.  So, whether I should have or shouldn’t have, I did.  And I didn’t like what I read.  While I knew he was questioned extensively about the infamous apology letter he wrote to his w, during his exile, I didn’t know how much effort he put into “fixing” his marriage, making it work, atoning for the sins of his affair, apologizing for putting his family at risk and everything he loves (none of it was me, of course) and how very stupid and selfish he was, how very much he loves his w more than anything.  What I learned was that he took her to the holiday party at his new company (from which he has since been fired) and stayed at the same hotel that he and I would stay in when I would come to his town; that he brought her on a business trip to another state that he had ASKED ME TO GO WITH HIM TO, in February 2010, that up until July or August, he and his w would share a bottle of wine.  That a month before the deposition (in September) he was still, albeit rarely, continuing to look at on-line pornography/women.   But the one thing that I saw, shoved into the transcript was a piece of paper with his hand written notes, detailing all of the sexless vacations they had and how even when they were intimate, there was no connection, that whenever they would go south to stay with his parents they NEVER had sex EXCEPT THIS PAST FEBRUARY 2010, DURING OUR NO-CONTACT PERIOD.  Actually, it was worse than that – he had been emailing me and calling me and then, out of the blue, he told me that he had to think things through but that I was complicating things and he needed to do this on his own.  That was the week he was down south with his parents, fucking his wife.  I can’t get it out of my head.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  I’m so angry I could explode.

I went and re-read emails that we were exchanging during that “no contact” period of time.  Almost every email started with “I hope you will forgive me for the way I behaved” or “I’m sorry that I hurt you and realize how much I love you, need you and want to be with you” or “I don’t want you to resent me for what I have to go through, but I’m doing this so that I can be stronger” or “I don’t want to resent you for doing something that I’m not ready to do” or “I’m sorry for . . . .”  Ironically, he wrote a multi-page email telling his wife how sorry he was for the “stupid mistake” he made by falling in love with me. 

What I know about MM and what I have since learned about him are as follows:

1.  He’s weak – he does what everyone tells him to do (except me, of course)

2.  He’s a pleaser – he wants everyone to like him and he can’t stand when anyone is angry with him

3.  He’s not as a smart as I thought or as well-rounded as I thought – but, on the upside he seems more amenable to changing than I thought he would be

4.  He’s weak

5.  He is insecure

6.  He is naive and childlike

7.  He doesn’t have a very good head for business, but can retain a tremendous amount of information

8.  He’s weak

9.  He’s cheap – but I wonder if that’s (a) because he was married and couldn’t spend his money on me or else she would find out; (b) has been unemployed since June; or (c) because that’s just what he is.

10.  He’s unimaginative in bed.  He’s a good lover but uninspiring.

11.  He’s a liar – aren’t all MM who have affairs, liars?  Don’t they have to live double lives in order to be with someone other than their wives, their families.  Why would I think that if he could lie to his w for all those years, that I’m the only one that he’s honest with.  What a big ego I must have to think that way.  How delusional I must be to think that way.  How addicted I must be to think that way.  I wonder if I were to get an injection of methadone, whether that would help the receptors in my brain behave more clearly.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

For all the OW out there, what you THINK you want is a fantasy. The reality is not what you want.  It’s always more of the same. 

What we think:  Be a good OW and he will love me more; want to be with me more; will leave his W for me.  The big question is WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS???  It’s not about him!!  It’s about you!!! What do YOU want?  What will make YOU happy?  Who gives a shit about him!!  How do we all come to lose ourselves in the process?  Why do we think what he wants matters???  For goodness sakes ladies, enough of the self pity. 

There are several truths:
1.  Be careful what you wish for

2. Life is long

3.  The grass is NOT always greener on the other side

4.  Be true to yourself, first and foremost.

For all the OW out there in the midst of “no contact” or pining away for their MM – hear me loud and clear –he is human, he is fallible, he is not what you think he is.  All the secrets you kept from him, during the course of your relationship, were kept for a reason – because he couldn’t be there for you.  Not just because he was/is married, but because he is incapable of being there for you.  He is selfish.  He is is egomaniacal.  He is all about himself.  It was not about you.  It was never about you.  It was about him; his needs; his wants; his desires.  And you fulfilled every last one.  Did you ever once let him know what you were REALLY thinking?  REALLY feeling?  What you really want?  Did you get into bed without shaving your legs?  Without brushing your teeth?  Did you take off your make up?  Did you wear your “comfortable” under garments?  Were you ever your REAL self???  Ever?????  If I were a betting woman, I would say, I don’t think so.  Did you lose your temper?  Did you chastise?  Did you NOT apologize????  I doubt it.  I am a very good OW.  I’m a great OW.  I won.  I got my MM to leave his W or maybe his W got him to leave her.  But what you all think and hope for, isn’t the reality of the situation. It is never as good as we imagine it.  Never, ever, ever.

The final truth, take a lesson from your MM:

4. Fantasy is far better than reality.

“Why” is a crooked letter

You know how there are times when all you want to do is vent, scream at the top of your lungs, drink a bottle of wine, eat a pint of ice cream, sit in front of the TV but something inside you stops you from doing that.  And you do the responsible thing.  Get up, go to work, make dinner, do laundry, smile, exchange pleasantries.  And you feel like tearing your hair out.  Or ripping his face off.  But you don’t.

I have read a number of posts where the entries have talked about deleting MM’s old emails and how cathartic it was.  I have read them enviously.  I can’t do it.  I couldn’t block his phone and I can’t delete the old emails.  I like to re-read them.  Especially the ones that burn my butt.  I don’t know why.  I have most of our emails from all the pseudonym email addresses.  In the throws of the affair, I used to love to read them over.  The ones telling me how much he loves me, misses me, aches for me.  How I complete him, am his soul mate.  After d-day, and his bullshit no contact email, there were no emails for a while.  I called him towards the end of January to tell him how angry I was that he blocked me on facebook but refused to call him and refused to email him.  If he wanted to speak to me, he could call me.  If he wanted to email me, I would think about responding.   That ended our “no contact” but the pseudonym email addresses persisted.  I didn’t want to call him because I did not want to be portrayed as the crazy OW, and have some sort of restraining order against me.  That wasn’t me.  You don’t want to talk to me, I’m not calling.  That doesn’t mean I wont answer the phone. 

So today, I was looking through some emails.  My favorite is the “However comma I love my wife.”  But then, like a detective, I looked through some more.  The email from him, out of the blue, after we had talked that simply said “IMY”  (I miss you).  The date on that was February 13.  Was that before or after he went to down south with his W and kids to see his parents, while he was “trying to figure everything out” so “we shouldn’t talk that week.”  I found the emails where we talked about making plans to see each other.  Then a few intermittent emails, because he was sick.   Sunday night he writes to tell me that he got a lot of rest over the weekend, but now I know that he went to the Caribbean with his W for her birthday that weekend.  Must be why I got an email at 10:30 am and then not another one until 9:30 pm (when he got home.)   I was able to get angry all over again. 

I saw MM this weekend.  We were talking about funny names.  And he told me that when he was at a resort, he saw someone with a funny name tag.  When I asked him what resort, he said he didn’t want to tell me because I would get angry.  OH HOW RIGHT HE WAS!!!  I told him that I didn’t find anything funny about that time.  That I didn’t want him to raise that fucking weekend trip to me ever again.  That what was “funny” was that he has apologized to everyone but me and that I want a fucking apology.  That what I find “funny” is that he doesn’t ask about who I was dating, seeing, screwing, but that he should rest assured that I wasn’t sitting home, holding my blackberry waiting for it to buzz.  Because, “however comma” I was working on my future. 

Oh, I feel the blood boil, and the anger course through my veins.  Will it ever stop?  I told MM this past weekend, that I need to get it out of my system.  He treated me like I was disposable.  (In fact, I used those very words in an email to him.)  He wrote, in an email, that he was concerned that I shouldn’t hate him for the way he treated me during those months when he was “working on his marriage” and “going to marriage counseling” all the while telling his W that I am his soul mate but telling me that he is in MARRIAGE counseling!!!!  Why else does one go to marriage counseling except to work on their marriage.

Then I found the email where he told me that he told his W, and she agreed, that they should separate.  He was “physically” sick. 

I grew tired of looking at those emails and skipped to the ones that he has since sent me under his real name.  My favorite, as of late, is the 7 page email he sent to his W while in exile immediately after d-day.  I liked reading her email to him, attached to his string of apologies – telling her he loves her, wants her, needs her and their life and how after knowing each other for almost x-teen years he can’t imagine his life without her –  commanding him to write the email (which he obliged her with) and what it should say.  I liked how he referred to our love affair as a “stupid indiscretion” and something he would never do again.  How she yammered on about how he put his marriage at risk by getting involved with another woman, how he jeopardized her health and risked getting STDs, how she was hurt that he told me that he loved me “very much”.   What amazed me as I read (and of course, got angry) was that he never told her to go fuck herself.  He never told her the truth.  He never said to her “You’re right.  I was dishonest with you.  I should have left years ago, but I couldn’t.  Now I’ve met someone else, someone I love deeply, someone I believe is my soul mate.  I’m sorry I hurt YOU, however comma I’m leaving you.”  Why couldn’t he do that?  What was he thinking? 

Why?  Why?  Why?  Will I ever stop asking why?  Will I ever let it go?  Am I capable of letting it go?

When I was a little girl, and I would ask my parents “why”, they would oftentimes give me the non-answer:  “Y is a crooked letter.”  I never understood that it was a diversion, not an answer, never an answer.  Why is a crooked letter.