= 17592 Hours
= 1055520 Minutes
= 63331200 Seconds

 It has been 2 years and 3 days since my D-Day of December 9, 2009.  I remember every single second of it, like childbirth.  Where I was, what I was doing, the blood pounding in my head and throughout my body, and how time stood still.  It was like a slow motion movie, where life continued on around me, but I was frozen, in my own cocoon.  Part of the picture yet completely removed.  I remember coming across another blogger who had put a clock app on his iPhone (RBM :-) ) that showed how much time had elapsed since he had entered the realm of no-contact; and another blogger (AOW) who had a running calendar of days since d-day, no contact, last kiss, etc.  I felt that I was ‘healing’ when I could no longer remember those critical days and the amount of time that had elapsed.  After all, we say that time heals all wounds.  But does it?  Do you ever forget?  I remember asking another blogger (TVExplorer) if you ever really get over it and he simply replied that you think about it less and less.  Not really the answer I was looking for.  And who would have thought that 733 days after my d-day I would have the answer. 

This time of year depresses me.  I think it always had.  The forced joviality, happiness, togetherness.  The expectations put on making everything “just so” with family and friends.  Nothing ever lives up to those expectations or re-adjusted childhood memories.  Does Disney have a license on brainwashing?  I was one of the “lucky ones” that had d-day further ruin my December holiday time.  My xMM’s w called me on 12/9 to share with me her new found knowledge; xMM called me on 12/14 to tell me of his exile and then we silently slipped into no-contact.  Holiday parties, Christmas, xMM’s birthday – all came and went – with no-contact.  And that was 2 years ago. 

What I learned after the fact still hurts me and still makes me angry.  xMM wrote a confessional letter to his w about all of the horrible things he did (me) and how much he loved her, their life, how much he needed her, and would work tirelessly to restore her trust in him; how MM was the one who blocked me from his Facebook page, his cell phone, his home phone, his other social networking sites (but, he would whine, that he didn’t have a choice); how MM was berated over and over, but was “allowed” to return to the loving fold of his w on 12/26, his birthday; the marriage counseling, the trip to the Caribbean, staying in the hotel he and I always stayed in . . . The list seems to go on and on and on. 

Why can’t I let it go?  There are days when I’m fine and I don’t think about anything having to do with the past, and then . . .**THWACK** something reminds me (like Christmas) and the pain, anger and hurt are there again.

This will be our second “outed” December together.  Last year, xMM went to Florida with his kids, to his parents’ house.  I was only allowed to meet them for a quick bite the day before they left.  MM wanted everything to be “just right” and once again, took all of the advice as to how to make that happen from others.  This year, we’re going to spend Christmas and his birthday together – all of us – kids included – at his house.

We had talked about “the tree” this year.  One of the symbols of his married life that haunted me and over which I would obsess.  Did they buy the tree, did they decorate the tree, was it a perfect little family time fit for a Hallmark card all the while he would text me, call me, email me.  This year his children were hurt that their mother (now the x-W) bought a tree without them, but with her new BF.  I spoke to my BF/xMM and offerred to join them for the tree buying, decorating escapade and xMM didn’t say anything to me until this past Friday, that they were going tree shopping on Sunday, which they did.  Needless to say, I was hurt.  I don’t want to speak to him.  So I haven’t.  The fucking tree.  Now I’m going to hate the fucking tree because I’m so good at transferrance.

So 2 years, 0 months and 3 days after D-day, the answer is . . . drumroll, please . . .

Unlike so many of my blogging friends, I have been unable to delete the old emails or shut down the pseudonym accounts.  I have not been able to delete the ‘saved chats’ that Google stores up.  I have not been able to throw away the hand written, but unsent, letters to MM during the period of no-contact.  I never shut down my blog and on occasion, I read my old posts.

Unlike so many of my blogging friends, my MM and his w are divorced and he and I are a “couple.”  It has been almost 2 years (22 days shy of the full 2 years) since that D-Day, December 9, 2009 - since I got the email from MM’s W saying “Hi – I know about you and my husband.”  It has been a long road.  MM and I talked at length, about my need to get past the pain of no-contact, about his efforts to “work on his marriage” during that time, taking his w to mexico for her birthday, to his company’s holiday party, to posting pictures of her on his Facebook page while telling me he loved me, needed me, wanted to be with me but that I should be patient.  There are times when my anger, to this day, is larger than life, and all I want to do is beat him up – so I yell, storm off, get sullen.  And he lets me.  He says he understands. 

What I have learned from MM is that when caught between a rock and a hard place, most MM will retreat into the familiar, the comfort zone rather than jump off a cliff.  The fear that no one will be standing there waiting to catch them is paralyzing.  When I asked my ex-H for a divorce, I came to the realization that I would rather be alone and poor for the rest of my life than spend one more minute with him.  And mind you, we had a perfectly comfortable life – 2 homes, 2 beautiful children in private school, 3 cars, luxurious vacations several times a year, savings accounts, material objects galore.  Yet I wasn’t happy.  It didn’t make me happy.  It was financially comfortable, but ever day I woke up I felt like I had sold my soul.  I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t getting any younger.  I wasn’t setting a good example for my children.  I was a lousy role model.  The discomfort had to end.  And so I ended it.  MM could have stayed in his loveless, sexless, miserable marriage forever.  It was comfortable.  (Sound familiar 2P?)  As a funny anecdote, MM, a/k/a my boyfriend and I were having a silly disagreement and I offhandedly told him that if he continued what he was doing there would be no sex.  To which he replied that was no threat, in fact he could go years without it and had the history to prove it.  While that was funny, it was also quite telling and ultimately very sad.  Why would anyone want to live like that?

I have a dear friend who is dying of cancer.  It is heartbreaking to watch the disease eat this vibrant, beautiful woman up leaving little more than a shell.  We were out to lunch and she was telling me about what a burden her husband has become and how incapable he is of taking care of her, helping her, supporting her.  He doesn’t even go with her to doctor appointments.  He’s not working.  He has locked himself in the master bedroom; she sleeps downstairs.  He wont cook, clean or help with the household.  She spends as much time out of the house as possible – going to the gym, out to the lunch, to the movies, out of town, with friends.  I asked her why she doesn’t tell her H to get out.  The fire burned in her eyes when she told me that she has told him to get out, that she filed for divorce 2 times, but didn’t follow through, and as she looked at me across the table told me she would rather be alone than have him in her home but is now too weak to move him out.  Of course I offered to pack his shit and throw him out for her.  She laughed and said he was too heavy for me.  I told her to come to me and my older kid offered to give up her room for her.  She’s not going to leave now.  But how sad for her.  She doesn’t get a do-over at the end, to be happy.

BF (f/k/a MM) and I were having dinner a couple of weeks ago.  We were talking about his kids, his ex-w and a problem at school.  He stopped and said that most people refer to the “fog of the affair” yet when he reviews his life to date, he feels that the fog was his marriage – his self-deception was his life with his ex-W.  It is difficult for him to come these realizations; the musings frighten him.  He punishes himself for losing those years and wonders what he was thinking.  His ex-W has been wonderfully obliging – consistently proving him right.  She has trespassed on his property (having his landlord open the door to his house so she could find “some papers”); she forged his name on legal documents; she refuses to take her kids to therapist appointments, help them with their homework, encourage attendance at school.  She has proved him right at every turn.  He has told me horrible stories of her past behavior when they were married.  – She was fired from a job when she was pregnant, yet never revealed the reason.  Imagine how egregious her actions must have been that a company believed they had a stronger case in firing her, than a pregnant woman would have against her former employers.  (Needless to say she never sued them.) – She changed a neighbor’s home listing on-line, never telling them, giving her an ‘edge’ in the marketplace.  The stories are incredible.  Yet, if it weren’t for me, for our ‘affair’, he would have done nothing.  He just simply shut himself down.

We had dinner with some of his college friend his past summer.  They live in Germany now.  The wife said some very interesting things.  She said that no one liked MM’s ex-W yet didn’t want to say anything to him – after all, it was his choice, they were his friends and they would support him (or not).  The second thing was that when she heard he had an affair she thought – good for him and that he’s really not capable of having an affair, whoever the AP is, means more than that to him.  MM/BF was stunned.  Everyone but him knew about his ex-W, but no one told him; everyone knew that he wasn’t capable of having affair yet he believes that he was wrong.  Worse, was that he was weak and would have done nothing to extricate himself from a life in which he was simply going through the motions.

So, almost 2 years after d-day, BF and his kids are coming to my town to celebrate Thanksgiving with me and my kids. 

Now, if only I could hit that stupid delete button.

I always felt, and certainly always told my friends, that even when I was married, I was a single mother.  I worked a full time job (outside the home), and then had to deal with the kids – homework, baths, cleaning up their rooms,  food shopping, making dinner, laundry, doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, lessons, after school activities.  The list was endless.  Except when it wasn’t.  When a bulb blew out in the kitchen, my ex-husband would run to the store to get a new one and change it.  (Of course he was eager to get out of the house so he could get high in the car.  Did he really think that I couldn’t smell it?)  When the car insurance was due, he would pay it.  When the pipe in the kitchen leaked, he would get a plumber.  When there was no milk at 11:00 pm, he would run to the store to buy a carton.  (See light bulb excuse.)  But all that notwithstanding, that meant that I didn’t have to do it.  Maybe being responsible for 99.99% was difficult, but there are days when being responsible for 100% is close to impossible.

I spent last Sunday with my younger daughter and a friend of mine going shopping.  I can’t afford to buy anything for anyone since I am now starting my 8th month of unemployment despite all efforts to get a job and starting my own business has been rough going, to say the least.  But child number 2 needed new sneakers, a dress, and generally some things to make her feel normal.  My girlfriend picked us up from the train station and en route to the outlet mall (where else) she called her husband to remind him to go food shopping.  She had left the list on the counter, but needed to add a case of Gatorade.  The call was on speaker and they discussed what he would buy for dinner and perhaps grill when she got home.  Hmmm, dinner was not even on my radar at 11:45am.  She hung up with her husband, looked at me with tears in her eyes, bemoaning the plight of being a single mother and how hard SHE has it.  HUH???  It’s a good thing I love her or I might be writing this post from jail, although I’m hard pressed to believe that a true jury of my peers (SINGLE MOTHERS) would ever convict me.  I tried to tell her that as difficult as she thought she had things, she has a job and she has a partner, someone willing to help out, maybe not to the extent she wanted, but from my vantage point, any help is a lot of help.  She complained about the fact that if she hadn’t written the shopping list, he wouldn’t know what to buy.  (So what?!?!?!)  That if she didn’t tell him which store to go to, he would go to the “other one.”  (Again, so what?!?!?!)  That, worst of all, if she didn’t call in an hour, he would be taking a nap and get to the store late.  (Really?  That’s worth complaining about??  He’s going to make sure he gets to the store because he certainly doesn’t want to incur her wrath.) 

On the up-side, she has his co-parenting (he was one the that took their kid to their afternoon game so she could go shopping); she has his pay check (directly deposited into their joint checking account); she has help around the house (as limited as she might think it is); she has his company at night, on weekends, on vacations, at the soccer field, at the parent teacher conferences, when she’s sick, on her birthday, etc., etc.  And yet . . . she complains often.  And seems unhappy in her marriage.  And talks about the lack of sex.   Crying over lunch the other day, she told me that at least she has her husband, who loves her and will never leave her.  How does she know that?  Why is she so confident of that?  I was surprised.  And a bit jealous.  Happily ever after is not what it sounds like to me.

Things with my ex-MM/BF have been pretty good lately – normal, almost.  The distance is difficult sometimes, the same stupid issues pop up and out of my mouth, but what I’ve come to see is that, as a single mother, there are other people who have plenty to say about things that are none of their business. 

My children, for example, feel that they are entitled to say anything they want about anything they want.  They like him; they don’t like him; he annoys them, they annoy him; they want him to come over, they don’t want him to come over; the list is endless and impossible to follow for any rhyme or reason.  The worst part is they like to share their negative feelings with my mother.  While I’m close with my mother, after years and years of therapy, I recognize her for what she is what her weaknesses are.  I have spent most of my life acting or reacting to my mother, seeking her approval.  I dated boys she thought were nice to please her and dated boys she hated to spite her.  As an adult she never really liked my more serious boyfriends.  My ex-husband, being a sociopathic narcissist was charming and my parents initially liked him.  When they no longer liked him, I stayed married to him.  When my parents told me to divorce him, I stayed longer, to spite them.  And in the end, ended up hurting myself.  Not the smartest thing to do, but healthy that I now see it for what it was. 

So my mother has had plenty to say about ex-MM/BF.  He’s not rich.  Well, my ex-husband makes a boat load of money (thanks to me) – should I have stayed with him?  My ex-MM/BF lives too far away.  Well, that’s an issue sometimes, but that’s MY problem, not hers.  x-MM/BF’s kids have problems/issues and they shouldn’t be my issues.  Well, I love my kids to death, but when someone lives in glass houses they shouldn’t throw stones.  But, he is kind, he’s gentle, he’s decent.  He’s kind to my children, my friends, my parents.  He’s decent and welcoming to everyone in my life.  He is not mean, cruel, judgemental, divisive, selfish, narcissistic, hurtful.  And yes, we fight.  And yes there’s some hurt still there that needs to be worked on.  But BF bought my daughter a birthday present 2 weeks before her birthday, after thinking about it for weeks and well ahead of my purchase (which I have still to make.)  BF bakes cookies with my younger daughter because she asks him, and he’s never too tired to do it.  He walks the dog without me asking; fixes the clogged drain without me asking; changes the light bulb without me asking; buys milk without me asking.

After 46 years, my mother asked me if she could fix me up with the son of a friend of hers.  He just got divorced.  He’s supposedly good-looking, smart, rich, etc.  She asked me this after having spent a weekend with me and x-MM/BF.  Really mom???  Are you kidding???  And as an aside, that never happened.

So, full circle once again.  Where was I May 10, 2010?  I have to go back and re-read what I wrote because I’m so good at forgetting so many things that hurt me.  So after reading and reading (which put me in a horrible mood) a year ago, xMM came to my town, after his w retained a divorce attorney, to see me and spend a weekend with me, to be seen in public with me as a couple, not a secret.  I was excited.  I was hurt.  Interesting how the re-reading makes all of those feelings come alive again, swirling around in my head and my heart.  It’s difficult to believe that it has been more than a year that we have a been a “public couple.”  And yet, there are plenty of people we know that don’t know about us.  There are times when I get angry that he tells people we’re together and angry when he doesn’t say anything.  It is all a constant discussion.  As he left the business that we were in together, there are still people who don’t even know that he got divorced, let alone that we’re together.  And the feedback has been mixed.  Some of my work “friends” have told me that while he’s a nice guy, he’s not really the one for me; and some have said that they knew all along that he is my soul-mate, my “meant to be.”  I don’t share the hesitant comments with him.  That would just be hurtful.

Mother’s day was a couple of weekends ago, already.  xMM/BF wanted to see his son’s little league game on Saturday at 2pm.  He told me days before that he wanted to come and spend the weekend, then refused to talk about plans for the weekend when he learned of the game and passive/aggressively let me know that he was meeting his friend for drinks on Friday evening.  I don’t care that he wanted to see the game, I care that he couldn’t come clean about it at the time he learned of it.  Worse, he was talking about coming to my town after the game.  He wouldn’t get to me until 8pm at the earliest.  I finally relented and said that I would rather spend some time with him than no time.  Until Friday when his friend invited him to a basketball game and he told me he wanted to go – worse – he said “forgive me for wanting to go.”  I told him that after all we had discussed I was more than disappointed that he wasn’t coming to see me; incensed by his rude remark and that I would see him in a couple of weeks.  The fighting was mean and vicious.  In a calmer moment, I told him to go to the game, it was a playoff game.  I also told him not to come to see me after the game or the following day.  He came anyway.  I was furious and I was happy.

He climbed into bed with me on Sunday morning, looked me in the eye and said that he wants to make this permanent, that he wants to marry me and that we should get engaged.  If I’ve told him once, I’ve told him a thousand times that I don’t want to get married again.  My last marriage was horrible.  We have a good thing.  Why fuck it up by getting married?

He told his kids that we’re going to get married some day.  I have avoided discussing this with my kids.  They don’t want me to get married.  And they don’t want me to marry him.  While I hear what they’re saying, I don’t care all that much.  I’ve spent too much of my life acting/reacting to what others say and worrying what others think.  This time, no matter what I do, it will be my decision.

x-MM/BF and I had our tarot cards read this weekend.  I love doing that kind of stuff (although I’m ashamed to admit it).   He went to the bathroom and the card reader looked at me and said that she saw I was unsure – should I be with him or not be with him and that I was leaning towards the latter.  I was surprised.  How did she know?  I know what you’re thinking – you can read/see anything you want when you listen to these “fortune tellers.”  And no, she hasn’t won the lottery with her ‘gift.’  Hmmm, food for thought.  Then during BF’s card reading, she said that she was surprised we weren’t engaged yet.  WTF???  Happily ever after?  Are you kidding?

I started this post a month ago, and as I’ve re-read the following, it is relevant today too, so I’ll keep it and add from there.

——————–

So here I am.  3/17/2011.  A year ago today, MM was with his (ex) wife, back from a weekend in Mexico, celebrating her 40th birthday because the spa certificate wasn’t good enough for her and she had posted pictures of her “awesome 40th” on Facebook extolling the great time they had; MM sent me emails during the weekend talking about how much sleep he was getting as he hadn’t been feeling well during the week (liar); MM and I had plans to get together unbeknownst to anyone but us — the first time since 12/4/09 on 3/18/10.  And let’s not forget that he couldn’t see me or speak with me, publicly that is, while he was “working through things.”  It still burns me to think about that.  At what point will I be able to let it go?  Will I ever be able to let it go?  I don’t know the answer to that.

So, a year ago tomorrow, MM and I were meeting at a diner halfway between where he lives and where I live.  He wasn’t wearing his wedding band for the first time ever with me (ah, the fucking ring ) and despite all the water under the bridge, it felt like no time had passed.  I burned with anger, with passion, with resolve.  I wanted to slap him, kiss him, kill him, make love to him.  The day after our meeting, he told his wife that he wanted to separate.  She agreed.  He felt guilty.  I can relive every second, every feeling, every thought as if it were yesterday.  Yet it a year ago.

Tomorrow, MM/BF is coming to my town and bringing his kids, for the weekend.  Quite the dichotomy.  I was speaking to MM/BF’s son this evening and he asked me when I was going to be his step mother.  He told me that he would like that very much.  He thinks that I’m nice.  That was sweet.  I told him that I think he’s nice too.  I can’t answer his question.

————————-

MM/BF has been having panic attacks lately.  About money, life, stress, work, etc.  Bad enough that when he was here, the attack was so bad that we went to the emergency room of a local hospital.  Nothing like sitting in a psych ward on a Sunday.  He walked out with a couple of prescriptions and with a warning to see his doctor. 

Yes, the stress of the past year has gotten to him.  In fact, the stress of the past 45 years has finally caught up with him.  No big surprise.  I confess that I find it difficult to garner sympathy for someone having a panic attack.  Why can’t you just “psych yourself out of it?”  I know that’s not possible, but I wonder about it none the less.

The stress:  about getting fired, getting caught, getting hired, getting fired, getting divorced.  Boo hoo.  I’ve been under a lot of stress too and haven’t had panic attacks.  Why not?  Where do they come from?  Why can’t he control them?  Why do I always have to be the strong one?  Why do I have to take care of everything?

MM/BF came to my town, with his kids, for most of their spring break.  I got to see first hand, for an extended period of time, how he deals with life.  Quite interesting to say the least.  I was the one that disciplined his kids; I was the one that made the daily decisions – what to do, where to go, what to eat, when to bathe, etc., etc.  As for his kids – MM/BF and I had a long, painful conversation.  What I said to him was – you moved out in December 2010, your kids did not become this way in 4 months.  You had 11 years in the same house with them and your now ex-w.  Where were you as a father?  Where were you as a parent?  What were you doing?  What were you thinking about?  It wasn’t a good conversation.  He cried.  I didn’t comfort him.  We all live with the choices and decisions we make.  Luckily with children, every day is a chance to change and make a difference.  Why didn’t it bother him that he didn’t have a co-parent or a partner to help him parent?  Why did he completely abdicate control?  If your wife was spanking the kids and you didn’t approve, why did you allow it to happen, no matter how often or infrequently?  Why didn’t you stop her?  Why did you just shrug your shoulders and look the other way?  Parenting is hard work and while rewarding, isn’t always fun.  You don’t get to be “uncle daddy” and think that everything is going to be okay.

I sat his kids down, with my younger kid as there was some fighting going on.  We had a “talk it out” that I conducted in a fairly strict or rigid way – giving everyone a chance to speak, to not speak over the other person and for all of us to come up with a solution.  It was successful. 

MM/BF told his shrink that he had spent his adult life and his parenting life married to someone who was not an adult, someone who could never have controlled the situation and done what I had done.  Enough bashing of the ex-w.  What I want to know is — where was he?  What was he doing? 

I don’t want to be a parent to his kids.  It’s exhausting enough parenting my own as a single mother.  It’s hard enough stressing out about work (or lack thereof), my ex’s bad behavior, unemployment without worrying about him.  I’m tired.

MM/BF and I are in the same niche industry.  He recently applied for a job that I would have liked to apply for.  I gratuitously told him to go ahead, even though he has a job and I don’t.  Without thinking about how this would really effect me, he went ahead and applied.  I have vacillated about submitting my own application.  I spoke to him about it and he told me to apply and that he didn’t mind.  I don’t see a good outcome out of that application.  In fact, the only positive outcome I see is for him not to get the job.  If we both applied and I got it, he would resent me; if he got, I would resent him.  If I don’t apply and he gets it, I will forever wonder – what if.  It’s not a good position to be in.  I’m losing sleep over it.  What if? 

Would have, should have, could have. 

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

A couple of years ago, MM was traveling to another state on business.  He was with a couple of vendors.  One of them invited a woman friend to join them, which she did.  The next thing I knew, MM had “friended” her on Facebook.  He likes to amass people on his friend list.  Interestingly, he develops a relationship with her where they speak.  How do I know?  Because he told me that he shared some sage advice I had given him with her, and how smart he sounded.  I wasn’t really happy about that then.  Of course, the old maxim “once a cheater, always a cheater” played on a loop in my head. 

Then she shows up on his business networking contact list and thinks nothing of asking him to help a “friend of hers” find a job.  None of this makes me too happy, and I tell him that I don’t really understand the need he has to be her friend.  He tells me that I’m foolish to worry, there’s nothing going on, he loves me, blah, blah, blech!  So I let it go.  OF course the absurdity is that he’s married and sleeping with me.  What’s to say that he wouldn’t be with someone else?  Once a cheater . . .

I subsequently learned that she was getting divorced through a posting on Facebook.  (Ah, isn’t that just the way of the world these days.)  And still, I don’t say anything, don’t mention anything.  Flash forward to Thanksgiving 2010.  MM is in the midst of his divorce, we’re a “couple” and his joining me and my family for the holiday.  I don’t know why he’s passed me his blackberry, but I see that he was texting this woman as he was driving up to be with me.  I said that I was surprised he was speaking with her and he makes to reach for his blackberry which I give to him saying that there must be plenty to hide if he doesn’t want me to see it.  (Of course, the last time he had his blackberry taken from him and read – his wife learned a whole heap o’shit!)  He tells me that he has nothing to hide and tells me to read the texts.  And they are in the order of him giving her his new cell phone number, telling her to call him because he’s in the car for a few hours going upstate, but at no time does he mention that he’s coming to see ME!!  The emails have to do with how hard the holidays are when you’re single/getting divorced and he  empathizes, but doesn’t say that he’s not alone!  I was furious!  I tell him that I don’t quite understand the “need” he has for this “friendship” and that I would like him to not be friends with her.  I can think of only one other time that I ever asked that of anyone (shockingly it was him) and that was from a work situation.  He refused.  He told me that I was over-reacting and that there was nothing going on.  I told him that’s how I felt, and that there were men that I was friendly with that made him uncomfortable that I was no longer friends with or had limited “work only” contact with.  Once a cheater. . . Not to mention, that for the most part, men don’t often want to be “just friends” with women.  And if in fact that’s what happens . . . we all know how emotional relationships/friendships/affairs move to the physical. 

Then 2 days ago he posts something on facebook to which she commented.  And I thought it was more “intimate” than it should have been.  When I asked him, he told me that he only spoke with her about his ex-w so she meant it as a reference to her.  I told him that I was done.  First he tells me she knows all about me, but not my name, then he says that they only spoke about his ex-w, then he doesn’t ever remember his stories or keep them straight.  This was what precipitated the fight about his parents, about this woman.  I told him that I wanted him to unfriend her which of course led to the comment that if I didn’t trust him, then we have bigger issues.  Yup.  He’s right.  We have bigger issues.  Yup.  He’s right.  I don’t trust him.

Tonight.  Ah, tonight.  x-MM/BF was hosting his daughter’s slumber birthday party.  WOW.  My kids would rather not have a party if their only choice was to be with their father, but his daughter ASKED him to host it.  (I guess he’s not all bad.  )  They were going to a hibachi restaurant first and then the girls were going to come over.  He learns in the late afternoon that his daughter has asked his ex-W to come to the restaurant.  (I’m sure it played out differently than that, since his daughter got her ‘nails and hair’ done with his ex-mother-in-law today, I have a feeling it went something like: mommy’s so sad that you didn’t ask her to come to your party today – that the kid was guilted into asking her.)  And of course, the ex-w said yes.  Really?!  What a shock.  So these were the texts:

Him:  Heading out.  I’m a little stressed.  Daughter asked mother to be at the restaurant.  Not psyched about that.  Look fwd. to getting back home with the girls.

Me:  You’ll be fine.  In the future,  u need to be clear with daughter.  Not to mention ex-w should have said no.

Him:  I feel shitty.  I can be the best dad in the world, but a dad can’t compte with a mom.

Me:  Not true.  Ever.  Don’t say that.  She’s playing u.  U need to set the rules.  Besides, daughter wanted to have her party with YOU!!!  I’m sure her grandmother said: mommy is so sad that she wasn’t invited . . .

Him:  I wish u were here  

Me:  Next year.  And I wont let you be manipulated.

Him: Ok

Me:  Did ex-W show up?

Him:  Yes

Me: Ugh.  She’s horrible.  Tell her you expect that she pay for herself.

Him.  She’s paying half, so that’s good.  She’s all chatty and social with the couple at the end of the table.  What’s up with that?  Daughter asked her to be here and wanted her here and she’s not even talking to her.  I feel shitty.  Haven’t said a word to her.

Me:  You should have told daughter that it was your party for her that mom can do another one.

Him:  Just noticed that didn’t have dinner, just a drink.  What’s up with that?  She told son that she was having dinner later.  What the f? 

10 mins and I hadn’t responded and he says: R u there?

Me: Yes, I’m here.  Always.  helping my daughter clean her room.  Ex-w is disgusting & cruel.  She’s pathetic in the truest sense of the everything.  She’s all alone with her misery & herpes.  If she was so happy, she wouldn’t be putting on a frenetic show for everyone.  Very sad.  It’s all a facade.  She doesn’t have and has never had any friends.

Him:  I feel like the antisocial one.  I’ve been paying attn to son and taking pics of the girls.  She’s chattering on with the couple sitting at the end of the table like she’s Ms. Popularity.  And the kids are still paying attn to her.  Oh, and she’s dressed and perfumed for her date.

Me:    It’s a show with her costume and makeup.  If she were happy she wouldn’t behave like that.  She wouldn’t try so hard to convince everyone that everything was great.  And the sad truth is, but for her mother and the match.com guy who gave her herpes, she has no one.

Him:  Who knows.  I feel bad.  She just took off – overheard the guy tell her to have fun at her dinner party.

Me:  Really????????  Who knows??????????  Come on.

Him:  I don’t know.  Maybe she has a whole bunch of friends now.

Me:  Quick.  If you run after her, I bet you can still catch her.

For me, that was the final straw.  I couldn’t “listen” to the whiney, pathetic, whoa is me, drivel.  Shit.  If you want to be with her, be with her.  Stop your fucking whining already!!!!  I couldn’t take it.  He called me as soon as he got the kids home and I blasted him.  I’m not the one to make him feel better about his divorce!  Are you insane!!!!  All of sudden his ex-W is dressed up going out, lying about where and with whom and what???  He feels sorry for himself?  Boo fucking hoo.  I was yelling at him on the phone.  He wanted me to make him feel better about the father/mother dichotomy, he said.  No, he wanted me to make him feel better that his ex-w was going out and he was stuck home, that she was pretending to be something that she wasn’t and never was, because it would make him jealous that she was NEVER that way with him.  She wins!  Again!!!  When they were discussing the divorce, she must have told him a million times, that she wasn’t interested in dating, that she’s a homebody and that she was just going to get her life in order.  Yeah, right.  She was on match.com before she even filed for divorced.  She may be a homebody, but she doesn’t want to be alone, like her mother.

So, x-MM/BF and I finished up our discussion with him saying that he wanted me to be supportive, to which I responded that I had been VERY supportive, but the pity party was more than I could take and I had reached my threshold of stupidity for the evening. 

Let’s call it what it is.  I’m not there to make you feel better about your divorce.  I’m the reason for it.  I’m not going to make you feel better about your ex-wife having a life.  Good.  I hope she does and leaves you alone.  (Of course, I’ve been wishing that my ex-H would get a life and leave me alone, take me out of his cross-hairs).  I have talked endlessly about what a good father, parent he is and marveled at this daughter wanting to do her party at his home.  I’m tired.  I’m exhausted.  I’m sick. 

I’m not your mother.  You have a mother.  She doesn’t acknowledge me. 

Trust.  Yeah.  Bullshit.

My ex-MM/BF took his 10 year old daughter to her school’s father-daughter dance 2 weeks ago.  He was talking to one of the other fathers while the girls “group danced” with each other.  The other father said to him that it was probably the biggest collection of people in one room who couldn’t stand their spouses but were too lazy to do anything about it.  MM told me that he responded, rather superciliously, that he found that sad and that he replied that he was determined to not be one of them.  My, how well he can re-write history!  My oh my, how willing he was to be one of them!  How sad and depressed he was when he realized that he wasn’t going to be one of them!  He then pondered aloud to this father, how sad it would be to live such an unfulfilling life and what do these people do when they are empty-nesters.  I speculated that they’ve already lived such separate lives to that point, that nothing much changes. 

We talked about a man that we know who has been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, who refers to his wife as a room-mate.  Yup, that’s what happens.  That guy goes out to dinner with “colleagues” and friends all the time and leaves the “Mrs.” at home.  And when he is home, he’s having a bottle of wine, a cigar, a glass of cognac and TV.  I have no doubt that he’s had a number of affairs and may have even been in love with a few of them, but always returned home, to his empty, hollow, life.  Why?  I recently read another blogger’s posting and he hit the nail on the head when he said “comfortably numb” is the existence you have.  I think that’s sad.  I’ve always thought that was sad.  It goes hand in hand with the notion that “inaction is as much a choice as action.”

Of course my marriage was not anywhere close to “comfortably numb.”  It was excruciating  and coming to the decision that I would rather be alone and poor, than spend 1 more second with him was  a difficult but necessary one.  My AFFAIRS made my marriage “bearable” or “comfortably numb.”  Maybe that’s what they do – make a mediocre or bad situation tolerable.  Without those affairs, what does everyone have?  A spouse that they don’t much care for?  That they are no longer, if ever, connected to?  Someone they married at a time in their lives because that was the “right thing” to do and what everyone else expected?  What lessons do we teach our children?  I, for one, would never take the moral high ground.  The one thing I can say for sure is that when I cheated on my ex-H, it made me feel alive, loved, wanted, beautiful, desirable.  It was an escape from the rotten marriage.  It “enabled” me to continue in it because all of my needs were being met elsewhere and my ex-h made a good living. 

As the OW, my affair helped me get over a bad period in my life – ending my marriage.  What happened was I hadn’t expected to fall in love with my MM, just use him for sex, use him for the way he made me feel and then move on.

My ex-MM/BF and I were driving from his home to my home on Saturday.  I was so tired, I had to close my eyes.  We were talking about his unfailing need to “always do right” by everyone, that he’s a pleaser and I was so sick and tired of this conversation that I told him:  Yeah, you wanted to do right by everyone but me.  And he replied:  By everyone but ME.  I was surprised to hear him say that.  He then said, that today, he is a completely different person than he was a year + ago.  He then said, through therapy, counseling, reading and me, he has changed.  But then he said something to the effect that if his ex-W hadn’t found his blackberry with all of our texts, it is possible that we wouldn’t be together now as he had been incapable of “hurting” anyone, but that he couldn’t fathom that everyone could in fact survive and thrive if he ended his marriage.  Funny, I reminded him that at our last in person conversation before d-day, I told him that I was done with our relationship, yes, I would let it peter out, but having signed my divorce papers I was going to focus on meeting someone who was available to me – that essentially MM had served his purposes and I was done.  He then asked if we could be friends, to which I laughed and said no.  He then told me that he loves me, wants to be with me but his kids are young, his house is “under water,” he’s unemployed (we all know the drill and litany of excuses).  I told him that I didn’t care what his excuses were and that if I were around when he sorted everything out, then I would be there and if not, too bad for him.  He asked me what he should do.  He asked me whether I was asking him to leave his wife.  I said – I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I’m GOING to do.  Then, 4 days later, we’re chatting on Skype, he’s wearing headphones so he can’t hear anything around him, and loudly proclaims that he loves me, misses me and can’t wait to see me.  “Unbeknownst to him” his mother in law is in the hall eavesdropping, tells her daughter that she suspects MM is having an affair and then . . . we’re off to the races.  I told MM as we were driving in the car, that he exploded his life.  He couldn’t be honest with his W then, or the year before, or the year before that and tell her that he wanted to leave, that he was in love with someone else, BUT he didn’t want to lose me and knew that I was preparing to leave him.  So, he swallowed a grenade.  ****Kaboom****  Shit flew everywhere and decisions were made that didn’t involve him.  In his fear at what he had done, he retreated.  And yet, he was never remorseful.  Yes, he wrote that letter.  Yes, he told me we couldn’t speak.  Yes, he “unfriended” me.  Yes, he took my call.  Yes, he called me and called me and emailed me and told me he loves.  Until . . .

Well, here we are today.  I’ve read lots of my cyber friends’ blogs talking about deleting emails, texts, etc., from their x-MM/MW/AP and while I have even given that advice, CAN’T DO IT.  And I read them, re-read them and re-re-read them.  Will someone come to my home and press “delete”?  The worst part is how horrible I feel when I read them.  How stupid I feel.  How used.  And the list goes on.  The worst part is how they conjure up the hurt all over again.  The unanswered questions, the pleading, fighting, suppressed anger.  I’m right there all over again.  Like deja vu. 

So – flash forward to Valentine’s Day.  And yes, I’ve read everyone else’s accounting.  Man, I burn for you all.  My anger is raw, unrestrained for you all.  When will I stop seeing myself as the “OW” but as the girlfriend?  The significant other?  The partner?  And maybe, if I can tolerate it, the wife?

We went to an “intimacy workshop” for couples.  And it wasn’t about sex, but about connecting, becoming and staying more connected.  The class was given by someone ex-MM/BF knows as a Dojo but who is schooled in other far east schoolings and his partner happens to be a tantra goddess.  What he said was without trust you can’t have intimacy.  I froze.  The “exercise” was to look into your partner’s eyes and radiate the feelings of love you have. I leaned over and asked my ex-MM/BF: “Does Sensei know about us? How we met?  How we came to be?  Where you were?  Where you’ve come from?”  And he said:  Yes.  Trust.  So elusive.  A word we all throw around without thinking.  TRUST.  Do I trust him?  That’s HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I re-re-read my old emails between me and MM, the word “trust” comes up all the time.  After d-day, the texts and emails talk about “trust” – specifically – do I trust him to do the right thing by me?  Do I trust that we are ‘meant to be?’; do I trust that our love is strong enough to get over the obstacles that might confront us? 

Funny, that word.  Trust.

I had affairs during my marriage.  Trust.  I needed those affairs because I had a shitty marriage.  I needed those affairs to help me get over the humps of my life.  Some were emotional.  Some were physical.  And some were both.  I had this last affair with MM because I needed HIM.  Trust.  He had an affair.  Trust.  He sent me a no contact letter.  Trust?  And we talked about trusting each other, trusting our feelings, etc.  Trust.  It’s something we always talk about but something that’s so elusive/

MM and I fell in love during the tenure of his marriage.  Trust

He followed the wishes of his “now ex-W” and there was no contact.  Trust

He hurt me.  Trust

I wonder if I can get past it.

We spoke last night.  I’ve been writing this post for days – starting and stopping; reading and re-reading it and my old emails, chats, texts, etc.  It puts me in a horrible mood.  I’m afraid to hit the “delete” button and don’t know why.  And I told him that last night.  What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me.  What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist.  His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it.  I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to.  You’re an adult, I told him, act like one.  If your parents can’t be respectful of you, what is it you hope to get from them?  And if you can’t defend me to them, then I don’t want a relationship with you.  I refuse to be a secret.  And make no mistake, I told him, I wont stick around.

And here we are today.  Trust?

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  ~Neil Gaiman

12/4/09 – the last time MM and I made love

12/9/09 – DD

12/10/09 – MM exiled to Florida

[I subsequently learned: 12/12/09 - MM emailing W and writing letter about what a horrible thing he did (and then sharing it with me, looking for ME to help him out of his own words being used against him during divorce proceedings):

I have committed adultery and carried on an adulterous affair.  I can’t imagine your pain.  I am intensely sorry and I now realize how incredibly horrible I was to do this.  But I am not a loser.  If you sincerely believe that I am a loser and was never a good person, then we should consider ending our marriage.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to try and deal with this with you in order to try and repair our marriage.  While I understand that you need time to deal with your pain and anger, I think that we need to get into counseling as soon as possible if we are going to have a chance to make things right.  I don’t think it is enough to get advice from friends and family members or to just reflect on things ourselves.  Professional counselors have training and experience and have helped plenty of people in our situation.  I would like to come home, find a place to stay, and go to counseling with you as soon as possible.
I hope you will give this some consideration.  I love you and I want to prove to you that you can love and trust me.  I also want to make sure that the kids are shielded from what goes on between you and me.

I hope you mean that I need to prove that I know that I messed up and that I will never do this again.  To prove that I love you and recognize the severity of what I did.  I don’t understand you wanting me to prove that I am worth it.  We have been together for almost 14 years.  This was a horrible thing, but it was isolated and stupid and it will never happen again.  If you don’t see my worth as a person who has made a terrible, selfish mistake, but who is a good person, then there are other problems.  I really think that a counselor could help us with this, and the sooner the better.  I would be willing to come up just for the counseling and leave afterward.

I love you.

12/14/09 - the last time MM and I spoke

[12/14/09 - I since learned of the letter that MM wrote W explaining his "bad behavior" and how it was horrible and selfish and will never happen again.  How he loves his w, how they have a "story book" marriage, how he is so sorry and will spend the rest of his life making up for his affair.]

12/28/09 – the last instant message from MM telling me he missed me and was sorry that he hurt me. 

1/12/10 – the “However comma” no contact email from MM and his W

1/26/10 – We spoke — I called to tell him that he was embarrassing me publicly. 

2/5/10 – or thereabouts – after he asked me to travel with him, took his W;

[I since learned: 2/15/10- went to FL with his W and kids and fucked his w in FL for the first time in 14 years]

3/10 – we agreed to see each other, w found out, forbid it and told him they should leave the state;

3/10 – MM took his W to the Caribbean for her birthday and sent me emails telling me how much sleep he got over the weekend and how he couldn’t wait to see me

3/10 – saw MM midway between his state and mine and it was if no time had passed; he resolved to end his marriage.

4/10 – I told MM that I was done with him finally.  He told me he loved me, when his W came home from her vacation he was leaving her.

4/10 – W came home, they had dinner and she raised divorce and he agreed.

. . . . And they are off to the races.

On January 5, 2010 I eulogized MM in my blog.  It was cathartic.  A year later, MM eulogized his marriage to me.  I went to see him on 1/4 and spent the night.  It was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back.  He had to be in court at 8:30 am.  Papers were signed and the divorce is final.  It will be entered by the court in 3 months.  I couldn’t wait for him to be done as I had to get home to pick up my kids from school.  He commented that ex-W wore skinny jeans and big black boots to court and looked like a “$3 hooker.”  Funny to think about.  He wore a jacket, pants and button down shirt.  I told him that in my opinion it epitomized their differences.  She could finally be who she is as, as could he.

I told one of my dear friends that the divorce was final and he asked me how much longer before I ended the relationship.  I laughed, but the thought has crossed my mind.  Where do we go from here.  There’s a lot of water under the bridge.  And when I try to discuss it, MM says:  I don’t want to talk about that now; I don’t want to think about that now.  He’s a perfect Scarlett O’Hara.  Does that make me Rhett Butler?

While this has been a horrible year for me, and yes, I cried again tonight over all the mistakes I’ve made and all the fears I have for tomorrow  – all the “should haves, could haves, would haves”  – I am thankful for all of you.  You are all my silver lining to my rain cloud.  The past year + 22 days was unimaginable to me in 2009, 2008 and earlier, yet here we all are.  I hope, for all of us, that 2011 will bring some peace, some respite from the pain.  I, for one, know that not being alone has been healing and cathartic.  To find a world out there of people who understand me, my pain and my experience,  selfishly makes me feel better.  I am thankful to you all.  I read your blogs and I know you read mine.  I could not have made it without you, and that’s the truth.

My wish for 2011 for all of US (non-denominationally):

Happy New Year to all of my friends.  Without you, I would not have made it and for that, I am thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.

As my father would say:  Good bye 2010, don’t let the door knob hit you, where the good Lord split you. 

–Susan