Yesterday I told my MM that I’m not happy. Specifically, I told him that he isn’t making me happy. I was so angry that I was seething. (Ironically, I haven’t been this angry in ages, yet every time I write about him, it is because I’m angry.) He went to look at apartments today. While that should be making me happy – so we can finally have a place to be together, and he wont always have to come to my town – it made me angry WHERE he was looking. We had discussed that we didn’t think it prudent that he and his soon-2B-exW live in the same town, on top of each other. She will likely have primary custody. She also said that she is going to stay in the same town where they currently live and the kids will go to the same school(s). That being said, he lives in an area where there are towns 5, 10, 15 minutes away that are familiar to his kids and close enough but not too close, where getting to/from school/activities will be fine. He raised this. Not me. I agreed. Today – he’s looking in the same town as his soon-2B-ex. I flipped. For the simple reason that this is what he does – says one thing and does something else. He’s been interviewing for a job that he got that will be 100% commission. I don’t think he should take it. For solid, definable, legitimate, well thought out reasons. He’s taking it. I told him, that it’s not my life. He should live where it is most convenient for him, his kids, his W and if it works for me then fine. And if not, not.
He told me that his realtor told him that his W is close to signing a lease for an apartment/house/condo. I was shocked. The house hasn’t been sold and if she moves out she certainly can’t take the kids with her. And there’s not parenting schedule/agreement. She’s close and he just started to look. Defines who and what he is. Passive.
He told me that he doesn’t think that I’ve been supportive. I thought my head was going to explode. I have been the singularly most supportive person of him. What I told him was that quite the opposite – not only has he not been supportive of me, but he hasn’t been there for me and that he’s selfish. And that perhaps we shouldn’t see each other anymore. It knocked the wind out of his sails. I’m concerned that I said it, that I meant it and that I haven’t felt comfortable with my retraction.
I was yelling at him – about the fact that while I have no income, he hasn’t paid for anything (and not to sound ridiculous, his unemployment benefits are almost double mine). He said that he drove 4 hours to see me and that I was angry that he didn’t stay. I countered that I was angry that he didn’t tell me in advance that he couldn’t stay longer so I would not have changed my plans. And that the prior time we got together, I drove 4 hours to see him, AND paid for the hotel, despite the fact that I own my home and pay a mortgage. He paid for dinner. Who gives a shit. He asked me to join him and the realtor to look at places and I rejected that out of hand and he never would have done that – he would have joined me. I told him that in order for me to “join him” I would have to make 2 days worth of child care arrangements, meals, dog-care arrangement and that unlike him, I’m a single mother with no other adult in my home. I don’t get to go to the gym, even at the ungodly hour of 6:15 am because then there is no one home to wake the kids, get them ready for school, make lunch and take the little one to school. I don’t get to “go for a run” at 2:00 pm on Saturday when I have my kids (1 of which I have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year as she is completely estranged from her father – not complaining, I love her and would cut out my heart for her, just stating a fact) because they have activities, responsibilities, etc. and if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t happen. So, “joining him” at 2pm to look at apartments in the middle of the week, doesn’t work. Of course we went round and round until there was nothing left to say. Unfortunately, this is a discussion we’ve had in the past and I have no doubt, one that we will have again. When he apologized, he said: I guess I’m just a terrible person. I told him that was a cop-out thing to say. I added, bitchily, that if that’s the case, he could write me a 10 page apology letter telling me why he’s a terrible person, like he did for his W. I told him that I didn’t buy it. He just needed to take off his blinders and stop being so self absorbed. LOL. Let’s see the likelihood of that happening.
MM’s W has been incredibly aggressive with their divorce schedule. She hired expensive lawyers, despite the fact that there are no assets and has spent in excess of $30,000 – almost half of it on her credit card. A couple of weeks ago her lawyers deposed MM. Most of the deposition was focused on his relationship with me – how we met, the first time we were together, how often we saw each other, whether he had been with anyone else. She told him this weekend that she figured since he was under oath, it would be good time to find out the details of his life. Sounds fairly sick to me. I have read other blogs about the betrayed spouse learning details of the affair and none of it ends nicely. To what avail? Is it going to undo the past? Is it going to make things as they were before? Or are you going to replay the stories in your head over and over and over. I certainly fall into the latter category. One blogger posted that since the discovery of her husband’s affair she has found herself physically ill. I can imagine. And she posts that she and her husband are doing well, reconciling and moving forward with their marriage. If that were truly the case (and hope for her sake that it is), then why is she sick? Why can’t she get past it? Would she have been better off not knowing the details that she does and replaying a silent movie in her head over and over. We all think that we want to know, but the adage “ignorance is bliss” is true. What we don’t know can’t hurt us. I don’t want to know. I want to know every last detail. I can’t always reconcile those competing thoughts.
MM confides everything in me. As I was walking into the supermarket last night, he called to tell me that he had planned to go to his class last night but his W stormed into the house, told him she was going out and then promptly left him with the kids. Not my problem. Of course she’s simply confirming for him, that our affair was justified, that he’s moving in the right direction, as long as it is away from her. I should send her a thank-you note. Of course I should have sent one years ago. Being the self centered narcissist that she is, the affair was easy – for all concerned. He could text me 100s of times a day when he was home, because she didn’t notice and didn’t care. We could travel/go anywhere we wanted and she didn’t notice and didn’t care. Her husband was absent and she didn’t notice and didn’t care. And then has the nerve to be the outraged betrayed spouse. At what point, if ever, will she take responsiblity for her failed marriage. The affair was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back; the camel was the dysfunctional, miserable, sexless, selfish marriage. For as angry as I’ve gotten with MM over the past couple of months, one of the many things that he’s committed to is not recreating his marriage or past relationships. Having meaningful discussions and arguments, resolving issues and moving on, not letting things fester is something that he’s never donle before. While new and discomforting, he’s willing to do it. Fighting, arguing, disagreeing, doesn’t mean that you dont dislike someone or that you don’t love them anymore. It’s a revelation to him.
Amazingly, after d-day, MM’s W was obsessed with whether he wore a condom and getting STDs. Of course he didn’t wear a condom and STDs was not an issue – for either of us. That notwithstanding, she insisted on getting tested. I can’t imagine what she was thinking. The last time they had sex was October 2008. The time before that, April 2008. The time before that – sometime in 2007. If she caught an STD, it would have manifested well before January or February 2010, unless she were fucking someone else. In fact, since they’ve decided to divorce, she’s posted “fuck-me” bikini clad photos on match.com and has bed hopped from guy to guy. It appears that she now has someone who she’s been screwing since June but he’s not the first, the second or even the 3rd. And she likes to sleep over, and return home at 4:00am. As happily married as she claimed to be (according to MM, the morning of d-day she told her mother that she had never been happier with he life and marriage) she hasn’t spent a minute “mourning” the end of her marriage. She has been to busy trying to find a “boyfriend.” Funny thing was she kept telling MM that she was going out with “the girls” and coming home at 4:00 am. Naively, he assumed that was true. Her entire life she never had any friends – neither male nor female – and now, all of sudden she has a posse. And MM was gullible enough to believe her. In fact, after d-day, she called HIS friends, his parents, his sisters – and told him that was because she didn’t have any friends. How very pathetic. And now, given an opportunity to make friends, develop meaningful relationships, she is simply 1000% focused on getting a boyfriend. MM told me a story that years ago, they lived on cul-de-sac. Most of the husbands were friends and most of the women were friends. They would have bbq’s together, take yoga classes, golf, etc. While MM was included, his W was NEVER included. He asked her to try to make an effort and so she went to a yoga class with them once. They never asked her again. She said that MM wouldn’t understand since it was a “girl thing” and that women for the most part, are bitches. One of the neighbors that he would run with, every morning, had a 40th birthday party. EVERYONE on the block was invited except them. Speaks volumes, doesn’t it? Meanwhile during their separation, MM has gone to concerts with friends, dinners with friends, drinks with friends as well as spend time with me and my friends and his friends. How sad and lonely for his soon-2B-ex.
A little ranting, a little raving makes me feel a little better. Struggling like everyone else to find the right answers, to move forward with my life, not backwards. And to be happy. I was reading someone else’s blog this week and he talked about Passion. Aren’t we all looking for that passion – that special something that lights a fire in you. I remember telling my older daughter that was what I wanted for her — to find something that she was passionate about, that burned a fire in her, that she craved to do and that fulfilled her. She has found that something. Lucky her.
I thought I found it, but now am not sure.
I love this Creed song, One last Breath and it has been playing in my head lately. Captures some of what I’ve been feeling:
Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe
One Last Breath, by Creed.
Tags: addict, affair, anger, angry, boyfriend, broken heart, broken hearted, bullshit, condom, divorce, email, ex-husband, ex-wife, husband, infidelity, kiss, liar, love, lover, married man, mistress, MM, narcissist, OW, pain, second best, second choice, self absorbed, self centered, significant other, soul mate, unfaithful, wife
October 14, 2010 at 5:06 pm |
Dear Susan, this is obviously so multi-tierd and complicated! For you it must be hellish. What screams off this page is his soon to be ex W is certainly acting out big time with HUGe anger toward both you and the MM.
She seems to be deliberately making sure everything is drastic and horrible for you, taking no responsibility, as you say, for her failed marriage. This is bad news for you!
Will it calm down I wonder after the divorce? Can you give the MM some kind of ultimatum about NOT living so close to her and in the same town? She will undoubtedly use him all she can if he is too close by and he seems rather (ahem) passive in saying no to her.
Just my thoughts….Good luck and chin up! You are not”stuck” in this situation by any means (yet).
October 14, 2010 at 5:23 pm |
…deep breaths Susan…sounds like you’ve got your hands full with the wife. Clearly, she is going to milk this situation and the fact that HE cheated on her for all it is worth. While at the same time making sure he is fully aware that other men find her attractive, that she can have her pick of boyfriends and that she can move on quicker than he can. Tough situation…and it sounds like she really is in the drivers seat.
I think you have to distance yourself from what is going on between them…and just focus on the future…(easier said than done I’m sure). I’d like to say it is going to get easier but I think from the sounds of the wife it is going to be a while before things smooth out. Remember you have a lot going on financially and the stress of everything is starting to take its toll. Good luck!!
October 14, 2010 at 9:50 pm |
Kelly – Yes, I agree that I need to distance myself. In fact, I’ve actually said that to MM – I don’t want to know all the gruesome details (yes, I do/no I don’t). While I’m his friend, there are some things that he shouldn’t share with me.
As for W being in the driver’s seat – truthfully, she is anything but. Years ago, MM told me that he had a low libido and in fact went to see his doctor about erectile dysfunction because he couldn’t get excited for his W unless he was drunk (and only sporadically) or had looked at some porn. He had accepted the state of affairs. MM’s W is, in my opinion, attractive – tall, thin, long hair, pretty. But what I said was that most people are not having sex with the outside of a person, but with the inside. Looks fade and become unimportant – how else do you continue to have sex/make love with your 70 year old spouse when you remember them at 25? (Or any other age). MM’s W is 6 years younger than me, 3 inches taller, probably 10 pounds thinner – and yet, he can’t keep his hands off of me.
And it’s not just a fairy tale – we’ve been together sick (he’s held my hair while I was throwing up from food poisoning, and I sat with him in the bathroom when he had the flu, fevers, passing out), healthy, in business settings where we had jobs to do, we’ve fought, we’ve made up, we’ve shared fears/cares/joys. He has true “indifference” for his W, true apathy. He is glad when she goes out, anywhere, with anyone, so that she’s not in the same home as him. He told me that he can hardly look at her, hardly sit in the same room with her. Yeah, she can fuck a million guys and no one cares but her.
The problem is that I want to respond to every little thing she says and does, while MM simply doesn’t care. He just wants it to be done – have a parenting schedule and division of assets. He truly doesn’t care. The only time I ever felt that way, was when I was divorcing my ex-husband. I didn’t care where he went, what he did, who he did it with. I was just glad that he was gone. And he couldn’t have been more obsessed with every single thing I did. MM’s W is like my ex. They are 2 peas in a pod. Yuck.
October 14, 2010 at 5:36 pm |
Melinda – As always, great insight. Yes, she’s angry and is certainly operating on that anger. There isn’t anything that she does that isn’t motivated by her anger. As I have often said the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. She’s out there boy! Her lawyer asked MM at his deposition what he says to me before he hangs up the phone – so that he would say: I tell her “I love you.” I would NEVER want to know that. In fact, she sent him an email when he was “exiled” after d-day saying that the fact that he says “I love you” to me is something that she can’t get passed. And not just that, but that he also writes “very much.”
MM is mostly indifferent. All he wants is a fair parenting schedule and 50/50 division of assets. He told me that W has stock options – some have vested and some have not. She told him that she’s not going to give him any, and that it is her “holy war” because while he was out there “fucking around” she was working and earning those options. Of course I told him he should respond that all the assets they have are his, since while she was home doing nothing when the children were little (they had sitters and au pairs, so literally, she did nothing), he was working and earning the money to pay for everything. Of course, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on since they live in a 50/50 jurisdiction. So, on top of everything else, she’s stupid, to boot.
Ultimatum about living. I’ve thought about it, but the kids are small. The school district is quite large and the reality is that I would expect that he would be in my town more often than we would be there. And I don’t need to run from her. I never needed to run from her. When she called me on d-day to chastise me, I told that it had nothing to do with her and me, but only to do with her and him. I’m not concerned with her at all.
I was reading another blog and the author recounted stories where the affair ended, resumed and the parties ended up together – married 20 years, 15 years, etc. MM told me that his MIL’s ex H cheated on her all the time, lots of different women. Funny – he left her and married “one of his whores” and they are still married 30 years later. Makes you wonder about the stories people tell themselves to make them feel better.
W can be angry, act like a bitch and what she’s doing is confirming for MM, for his friends, for his family that while he was wrong to have had an affair, that he was right to end his marriage, that his marriage wasn’t working and if he had the proper support (like most of wish we had), shouldn’t have married her in the first instance. Her kids have seen her yell, hit, scream, slam doors and be completely out of control, dress up and leave for the night, not be home in the morning, miss school functions, homework assignments, etc. She’s making a wonderful legacy for herself and I get to sit back and watch it unfold. With all the screaming OW do to their MM, I can sit back and look like an angel. I have no fear that there would be a reconciliation, because by her very behavior, she’s assured me of that. And to be honest, at the end of it all, I feel sorry for her. She hasn’t a clue as to what went wrong, why it went wrong and how to not have it happen all over again. She’ll never look inside of herself. After all, she’s perfect. Just ask her.
October 14, 2010 at 9:56 pm |
Susan I am so glad to hear MM is getting now support from his friends and family for ending his marriage. That is good news for you too.
October 14, 2010 at 10:02 pm |
Yes, that is nice. MM has talked about me meetig his family. While I’m OK with the sisters, as they have always been supportive, I have nothing to say to his mother. She has said horrible things about me to him and others, and doesn’t even know me. The affair wasn’t about me. It was about MM and his W. His father counseled MM’s W on how to proceed and to hire a lawyer and to make him apologize, etc. I have very little to say to him also. I don’t care what they think or how they felt – MM is their son, for goodness sake. You, as a parent, are there to support YOUR CHILD. I cannot imagine taking anyone else’s side but my children’s; protecting anyone else but my children. What parent takes the other spouses side, EVER??? NO MATTER WHAT??? Guess who’s going to bring the grandkids to visit?? It’s not going to be the ex. EVER. Dumbasses. And you can imagine that it’s not going to me.
October 16, 2010 at 4:31 pm |
susan i always thought those parents of his described where he got some of these adult issues so well
like being so passive when he is getting walked over by his W; talking all the guilt for the failure of the marriage etc.
parents can do untold amounts of damage no? even to adult children…
my ex H’s self esteem was shot due to his mother ; at nearly fifty he is still a real basket case
October 16, 2010 at 5:18 pm |
Melinda – No doubt that his parents are responsible for his behavior. But at some point, we all need to take responsibility for ourselves. I remember saying when I was little: When I grow, I’ll never do “x” like my parents. I’ve been in/out of therapy and have lots of soul searching on my own. I’m past the point of blaming anyone else. But yes, it explains a lot. Interestingly – his parents offered to pay for a storage locker for him but when he asked if he could borrow money for a first/last month/security deposit on an apartment, they said no.
As for your ex-H and his mother, I know the feeling. My ex was clearly a product of his parents. Good thing they are exes now!!!