Addict, junky, mistress, whore and other names I like to call myself

I wake up every day hoping that today will be better than yesterday, that the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach will go away, that it isn’t too early to pour that first glass of wine.  I listen and participate in conversations but am not really there.  I see your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  I want to shout out that I’m in pain!  Can you hear me?  The noise in my head is so loud that it consumes me.  I don’t care about your problems, your stories, your anecdotes.  I’m listening, nodding my head, but it feels like I’m going through the motions.  It’s a very brief respite from my own agony to hear your voice.  I’m a pretender in my own life.  What I want to do is get into the shower, turn the water on and cry.  Cry and cry and cry. 

What I’m starting to realize is that affairs don’t come to a gradual end, like other relationships.  There is no discovery that the person you’re in love with is really a selfish prick, a shitty lover, doesn’t like the same music as you, hates your parents, you hate his friends and so you decide to see other people, see each other less until less becomes none.  An affair ends abruptly.  His W or her H finds out, or they confess and **POOF** they’re gone, you’re gone — as if you never existed in the first instance.  There was no falling out of love, there was no gradual moving on.  I’m still in love and in the same place emotionally today as I was on December 8th or November 6th or August 27th, 2009, 2008 and 2007.  I feel cheated of the opportunity to fall out of love with my MM.  It’s like being able to prepare for the death of a loved one through a long illness versus finding out that he got hit by a bus and you didn’t get a chance to say good bye.  (I wish that my MM got hit by a bus.  At this point, I could wrap my head around that better than this. Does that make me a terrible person?)

So – what I’m left with is the addiction – of loving him.  This is what a junky must feel like – wanting that fix, knowing how good it will make him feel, but being unable to get it.  Or better yet, lying, stealing, slinking around, to get it.  Oooh yessss.  Doesn’t that feel great?  Aren’t you proud of yourself?  Not really.  I don’t regret for one second what I did.  I just hate the withdrawal.  So far, it sucks.  How do you break that addiction?  By latching on to something or someone else?  Should I take up knitting?  Am I, the OW, no better than an addict?  By my MM’s actions, he was able to discard me, like a used syringe.  How was the high for him?  How’s the low going now?

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17 Responses to “Addict, junky, mistress, whore and other names I like to call myself”

  1. Another Other Says:

    Susan,

    It’s been a horrible day/night. Just horrible. It’s my birthday, and the first thing I did this morning was roll over and check my phone. Yes, text from him. “Happy Birthday, b… xoxoxo” Moments later, he called. I did not answer. For hours….I did not call back.

    Around 3 p.m., I did call. The day went downhill fast after that.

    I am shaking…but I will be OK.

    He’s no longer answering my calls. 6 since 5 p.m. The last one, I left a voicemail…and I think (hope) it actually made sense. I told him this was part of the process of me seeing him for who and what he is…part of me getting stronger and over him.

    Damn…FUCKER!

    I will right more later when my head clears.

  2. Susan Says:

    Another Other – Happy Birthday, sweetie. Sounds like a tough day for you. Yeah, he’s a fucker. I know that it doesn’t feel like it now, but you’re lucky that he’s not going to be a part of your life. He’s a shit that he could ignore your calls.

    Every day you’re getting stronger. You’re so brave to be able to recognize who and what he is. He doesn’t love you in the way that you deserve to be loved. He doesn’t deserve your love. He never did. I’m dreading that day for myself, when my MM isn’t around for my birthday. It makes me sick and it’s 6 months away. Remember – what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. It sounds trite, but it’s the truth and has been my mantra for a while. Look at what you’ve done and overcome in your life to be the woman you are today, the mother you are today, the friend, the daughter, the colleague. You have such a strong and powerful history that you shouldn’t let this guy define who you are. Yeah, it stinks that he’s not there for you and you’ve had a ton of bad shit swirling around for you. But was he ever really the one that was there for you? The one you told your darkest secrets, your innermost fears, your wildest hopes and most fantastic dreams to? I don’t think that we get to be this age, and this self protective and do that. You’re smart – you’re starting to see him for who and what he is — a married man that can’t give you anything. All he can do is take and take and take. You gave and gave and gave and gave. Turn off the tap.

    And I get the shaking thing too – nothing a glass of wine wont fix (or 2 — for me I’m on my 3rd now). I sent a blackberry instant message to my MM on Monday – it said: IMY. Today, at 8:50 am he wrote: Me too. Can’t talk. I’ve hurt so many people including you. I’m sorry. I was shaking when I read it. My face was on fire. My heart was beating in my chest so loudly it was making my entire body shake and I thought I would wake up my teenager (who sleeps like the dead). I get where you’re coming from – more than anyone gets it. Then, like an idiot, I messengered him back and told him that I love him. Fuck him. Fuck your MM! You don’t really love him. You love the fantasy of who and what you thought he was; what you want him to be. He’s never going to be those things. You can set the bar and he will never meet your expectations. He’s the failure, not you.

    I’m here for you. When your head clears and even when it’s noisy in there. Next year, we will toast our awesome lives.

  3. Another Other Says:

    Happy New Year, Susan! 2010…hope it is better than this past year for both of us.

    Much has happened in the past 24 hours. I have talked several times to him. Good and bad. The most interesting thing is…I have learned that I have changed. I still love him so much, but this hurting has been hell. It changed what I will accept. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want lies. I don’t want to be second best. OH…it would be so easy to slip right back into that role. But how long would that feel good??? I know there would come a point where I would lose again.

    Yes, I love him, but I want to be treated like HE loves ME, too!! I think I have finally learned something. Oh…I hope so.

    Why the text from your MM? Why the contact from mine?? Because they want us right where we were before….on the outside looking in. Adoring them, available to them…

    No, not again. I hope I can stay strong…while my mind screams, “just one more time.” I just want to show him my love one more time. Maybe this will be the time when he sees the value of that love.

  4. Susan Says:

    Another Other – Happy New Year to you too! I hope that our New Year’s resolution is to move on and away from our MM. They are nothing but anchors for us (and not the positive kind, but the drowning kind). They cause us to be both emotionally and physically unavailable to meet the person that will really, honestly love us. Don’t you want to be someone’s first choice? I do. Don’t you want to spend next New Year’s kissing someone you love and loves you back? I do. Don’t you want to go out to dinner with someone, who will hold your hand across the table and look at you, instead of sneaking around? I do. Don’t you want to spend your birthday with someone who thinks you’re incredible? I do. Don’t you think that you deserve that? I do. I’m glad that you feel like you’re getting stronger. You are. Being with you MM fills that empty void, the one that shouts: I don’t want to be alone! I’m afraid to be alone! Guess what? You’re alone. I’m alone. Sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. Where did he sleep last night? The night before? The night before that? You’re a gift. Don’t toss yourself away on someone undeserving of that. He was supposed to leave his W for you and he didn’t. You deserve better than that. Be strong! 2010 is going to be a better year. For both of us!

  5. Jill Says:

    “Affairs don’t come to a gradual end, like other relationships.” “An affair ends abruptly.” These words ring in my head over and over since I’ve read them and I’m afraid. His phone is turned off. He rarely does that. This is the time of day he usually calls. Where is he? We have plans today. The anxiety is awful.

    Whew – He just called. Today isn’t the day.

  6. Jill Says:

    Susan – We have dated off and on for 37 years. We have been in this full blown affair for more than 12 years. You’re right about every day being anxiety provoking. Some days are worse than others. Yesterday, after the anxiety attack, we had a wonderful day together.

  7. Susan Says:

    Jill – Wow! I’m amazed at how long you have been with him. Are you also married? When I used to think about a future with my now exMM, I used to imagine the affair continuing, not that I would marry him. (I’m recently divorced). Funny to think that you seem to be living what I imagined. I guess that if it works for you, then that’s great. My affair was, in comparison to yours, significantly shorter – emotional: 3 years; physical: 2 1/2 years. I was also trying to detach myself from him for about a year – bought books on how to end affairs, read blogs, etc. Easier said than done. One year becomes 2, which then becomes 3. I’m glad you had a wonderful day together (would by lying if I said that I wasn’t jealous :-) but that’s OK too). I would love to hear more about your story. All stories seem to help me move on and heal.

  8. Jill Says:

    Susan – I never wanted to marry my mm. I’ve never been married. Just like his w, I know that he is a serial cheater and pathological liar. She caught us together twice before they were married but not during their 30 year marriage. He can be so good to me, generous, and generally thoughtful. My wish is that our affair continues until one of us dies. I don’t think his wife wants to know or accept the fact that he has been in a long term affair. This summer and fall I went through a rough period where I wanted to expose him to her for what he is. I was hurt very badly by his deceit. I wanted him to hurt as badly as I hurt. My thoughts were evil. I had thoughts that I wouldn’t tell my therapist. TV Explorer and Misfit Mistress brought me to my senses. I’m glad they did. These blogs do help.

  9. Susan Says:

    Jill – Thank you for sharing some of your story. I read TV’s and MisfitMistress’ blogs too. It is good to know that there are other people in the same situation, and learn how they handled it, overcame their pain, etc., as well as hearing all the other sides too. The side that I can’t seem to get my head around is the “forgiving” W. What planet does she come from? (And I don’t mean that sarcastically — well, maybe just a little.) I could NEVER forgive my husband if he had a long term emotional & physical affair, let alone allow him back into my home, my bed, my life. I might be able to get over a one night fling with someone he didn’t know, (probably not), but not a real love affair. That speaks volumes of what he thinks about me, us, our marriage, etc. If he is that unhappy, and yes, I get that it takes 2 to tango, then the marriage should be over. Feeling a little preachy today. Sorry. And – as an aside – I was married for a VERY long time and am divorced. (I asked for the divorce.)

    My mother had a friend who had exactly the type of affair you described – she was involved with her MM until he died. Over 40 years (I think.) I used to wonder why she didn’t want more, but I guess this suited her.

    I’m glad your MM is good to you. I’m surprised that you don’t want to marry him. Do you go out in public, in your life together? Do you really think that his W doesn’t know or that she just looks the other way? If he was with you before he got married, why would she think that he would have stopped after? Denial is really more than a river in Egypt, isn’t it? Those type of women surprise me.

    Well, I hope my blog offers up some good advice, empathy or whatever you need. I certainly appreciate your comments and input.

  10. Jill Says:

    Susan – I don’t know what his w thinks or knows. We do go out in public but very discretely and not often. He knows too many people. W will retire soon so we will go out less often and probably see each other less often. I dread the day she retires. I never wanted to marry him because I could not live in denial and he is not the type of man that will tolerate being questioned. In more than 30 years, I’ve only seen him angry a handful of times, and what I saw I didn’t like… no yelling, just a look he gets when he says what he has to say.

    I want more, but I know I can’t have it. I’m jealous of his life. He has so many balls in the air. He has adult children to two different wives and enjoys great times with his kids and grandchildren who he sees often. So you see, I have to be happy with the crumbs of his time. He does keep a fairly regular schedule with me. I dread the day it ends.

    I know how bad the pain is. I know the fantasizing of wanting to hurt him. This summer and fall, I thought it was the end but I think he realized how badly he hurt me and is making amends. I am thankful for our time together. Good luck to you in your healing. Your blog has the makings of a novel as to why not to get involved with a mm. I wish I never had. I know I deserve more. I have to share him in silence with so many people.

    • Susan Says:

      Jill – You do deserve more. Another Other put it well when she said you deserve to come first with someone. And you don’t need to be silent. You have the blogs, friends, people who are here for you and understand. I have found the silence to be corrosive and speaking about it so cathartic. I’m telling some more of my really good friends and it feels good to just unburden myself. The silence was eating me up. If I could shout it to the entire world, I would feel awesomse and completely liberated! (So much better than being discrete.)

      I have a very good friend of mine who has been having an affiar – on again/off again with a MM for about 20 years. During that time he had children, bought homes, weekend homes, had mortgages, cars, joint bank accounts with his W; took vacations with his family that didn’t include her; didn’t spend the holidays with her, valentine’s day, birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas, etc. She’s beautiful and smart and talented and kind. She’s a mother, daughter, friend, has reached heights in her career and she cries over this MM. It breaks my heart. She’s finally starting to withdraw and it is so painful for her, that I wonder, like you, if she will ever do it. It’s a pity to see such extraordinary people in such bleak and sad situations. We come second to these MM, because we allow it. We come second to these MM, because that’s all we think that we’re worth. We come second to these MM because we haven’t learned to value ourselves. I’m not saying that it is easy, but I can’t help but believe that the final result of valuing ourselves will allow us to grow into the woman we want to be.

      I was in a horrible and abusive marriage and I had to make the decision that I would rather be alone than spend one more day with my husband (now ex husband.) The truth is, I wasn’t alone – I had my MM. (I didn’t leave my husband for him, just to be clear on that. I would NEVER have left FOR my MM.) I used my MM as a crutch to get me over the hump. And it was great. Now – it is time to stand on my own two feet. I can’t believe that that is not for everyone. Why not “use” your MM in the interim, while you look for someone else. That someone else could be your transition man and then, have a real, wonderful and honest love. It’s out there for you if you allow yourself to find it.

  11. anotherother1 Says:

    Jill, I feel so sorry that this is the love you have in your life. Thirty years?? All the holidays, special days…all of that you have had to give up to be his “other woman.” You DO deserve more than that, much more. I admire your ability to be understanding and to share him with so many people, but you deserve to come first with someone special. You deserve someone who puts YOU first.

    Another Other.

  12. Jill Says:

    Thanks Susan and anotherother for your kind words. You’ve brought tears to my eyes. I haven’t cried like this for quite some time. This year I did spend my birthday with him and have spent many Valentine’s Days with him after he and the w go out for an early dinner. He’s very generous. For Xmas he bought me a remote starter for my car and a hi def TV. That’s the third hi def TV I’ve received from him. Last week he gave me money to take myself and a friend out for a 5 star dinner. He wants me to be happy with the crumbs of his time.

    What hurt me so badly last summer is when I found out that not only was the w retiring, but in a dream I learned they bought a vacation home which he confirmed. I was devastated. It was so deceitful. Susan, like you, I am also counting days. I’m counting the days until she retires. Right now, I am living day to day wondering what the future will bring. I have tried to open myself for someone I can love and call my own. I think as long as he’s in my life that won’t happen. It’s sad, but he’s my best friend. And like my cigarette habit, I can’t quit him. Addict, junkie, whore. You hit the nail on the head.

    Where do I meet such a generous, fun loving person that I can call my own? His personality is so charming. Always has been. That’s why he’s such a successful businessman. I go to the gym, I go out to lunch, and I take vacations alone. I seem to attract mm, which I will NEVER do again. My friends are all married and are located throughout the country. My career is over, yet I’m not old enough to go the the senior center.

    Maybe one true love that I can call my own is not in the cards for me.

    • Susan Says:

      Jill – I read your response and I cried. We’re all entitled to that true love or companionship. We’re all entitled to have someone who makes us feel worthwhile – who gives us more than crumbs. I hate that those words – junkie, addict, whore – fit someone other than me. I hate that they apply to me. I’m smart, talented, attractive, kind, generous, decent, funny, engaging. I’m a good person, mother, daughter, friend, colleague. And yet – in the pit of my stomach – I know what I really am – an addict, a whore, second best. How did that happen? I don’t want to see myself that way anymore. You’re so much more. You need to recapture who you really are – or better yet, tap into that. That’s going to be my 2010 goal. (I don’t believe in resolutions. They’re like diets – bound to fail.) But I can set a goal, and I believe that time is kind. The way it dulls our eyesight and softens those harsh lines, I am hopeful that it will work that way in my life. Soften and dull the pain. It has to.

      As for other MM – yeah – they love me too. What is up with that? Unlike you, though, maliciously I could sleep with a million of them. I just don’t care right now. I feel like a hurricane and could just wreak a path of havoc. I wouldn’t care how many lives I ruin. Right now, it feels “all good.” Because in my gut, I would be punishing my MM. And the must unbearably sad part, is I’m so unbearably sad and don’t know how to move past it right now. The worst part is that today, I haven’t been able to stop crying.

  13. laurenellis Says:

    I’m so glad I wandered onto your blog! I’m sitting at my desk, eating a grilled cheese and feel so grateful that you’ve shared all this with us! What an amazing writer you are, I’m completely enthralled. ^___^

  14. Susan Says:

    Thanks Laurenellis. What brings you to the site? Feel free to share your story, if you have one.

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